Or maybe the time I told a lass I loved her, even though it was the second time we'd been to bed together and we had met up only a couple of times.
I apologised and laughed and she went in a strop saying "Don't laugh like it's fucking impossible!". Oops.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:55, Reply)

Charlotte

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:54, 20 replies)

If it's tlfy then dbr
Many, many years ago, in a far-off suburb in North London there lived a young man called Che Grimsdale. He was a fresh-faced young man of 17 with a ready wit and skinny legs. He was as horny as an old man’s toe-nail and well practised in the fine art of serial masturbation. At this time he had a best friend who was on his third or fourth girlfriend, having popped his cherry a year or so before, but our Che was one of those lads that a) are very shy with the opposite sex and, b) seemingly unattractive (or invisibile) to girls. Yes, our Che had never even kissed a girl, had never been ‘on a date’ or ‘gone out with’ a girl. The very name Virgin Records made him blush and squirm and he was more or less miserable when not stoned out of his gourd.

Now, in order to earn some cash, he got a Saturday job in the kitchen of a department store restaurant, and in this kitchen was a charming catering student. She was a reasonably comely wench, svelte of figure with silky blond hair, though her face was nothing to write home about. Anyway, Che got along fine with her, working in the confines of a tiny kitchen, banter was bantered, glances were exchanged, bodies were brushed up against…Che got a little hot under the collar.

One Saturday, it so happened that the two of them took their break at the same time, chatting away, she suddenly came out with a comment that is seared on Che’s memory as if it happened yesterday, and not in 1980:

“Don’t you think that the nicest thing two people can do is spend the night together?” she breathed.

“Yeah…” Che replied. “ME TOO” shouted little Che from the confines of Che’s suddenly too tight underpants.

Anyway, the weeks went by, and one day she invited me round to her place, and in her large bedroom we listened to David Bowie and chatted about this and that. I found out that she was an amateur gymnast (moan…) and she she showed me some of her moves – including one called the crab. She was wearing tight, stretch jeans and a tight top that looked like it might have been her gymnastics leotard. Her pliable form bent and twisted, while I admired from the bed. When she had tired of this, she joined me on the bed and got up close and personal…BUT…she was waiting for me to make the first move. Me – who not only hadn’t got to first base, but wasn’t even on the bench…not even the waterboy. All I had to do was to take her face in my hands and pull it towards me for that first kiss, which would then lead to a night of passion (surely the first of many) with a girl who could very probably lick herself clean like a pussy cat. We ended up on her bed sort of play fighting…and that was it.

Now, as a man, I’d love to be able to go back in time to that evening and coach the young Che to say: “Look, I’ve got a confession, I’ve never had a girlfriend before…can you show me what to do? I’m in your hands, guide me, teach me, earn my eternal gratitude, I’ll make it worth your while.”

But no. Nothing happened, and then a friend turned up to give me a lift home.

The next Saturday I invited her to a party. I was annoyed at myself, I was embarrased, but more importantly, I was now as horny as the Brighouse & Rastrick brass band, riding a herd of Highland cattle. I’d given myself a good talking to, vowed that if the situation occurred again, I wouldn’t fluff it again.

By damn fool luck I was offered the chance to try acid that night and like the damn fool I was, I didn’t turn it down.

When Paula turned up at the party I was tripping my teenaged tits off. I was talking to one of my friends at the time and I tried to introduce her to him: “Paul, this is…er…” shit, what was her name again? “Er, Paul, this is…a friend from work….” What the fuck was her name? Why couldn’t I remember it?... “Paul, I’d like you to meet….”

At this point she helped me out: “I’m Paula”, she said. “Nice to meet you Paul.”

I had two choices really, suicide or despair. It was two more years before I finally popped my cherry.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:54, 6 replies)

3rd time I've posted this but it fits well.
I've been making a great effort, when talking to the ladies, to keep my answers short, sweet and to the point. Problem is you see, when I'm nervous I say the STUPIDEST fucking things and immediately regret them.

Example 1: Laura; My ex from when I was 17 moved back home for a while and seemed very keen to meet up. When we were 17 she was a bit religious and, basically, I didn't get any further than 3rd base. Now she was a bit older/wiser she knew what she wanted and wasn't shy about it. PERFECT.

SO. The first time we meet up (at her house) it was straight to bed :) We'd had a conversation earlier in the week about how many partners we had been with so after the deed was done and she was lying in my arms, her lovely dancers body against mine I say "hooray for number X eh?"

FUCK ME WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!! I think.

It didn't go down well. At all.

But I'd obviously made an impression of a different sort so I get a second chance the following week. I go round for her and she's just out the shower. She throws on some clothes and it's round to mine this time. All goes well but as she's getting dressed she checks her pockets and pulls out her bank card.

"no need to pay me" Says I then instantly put my head in my hands and DIE INSIDE. 2 weeks later she had herself a new boyfriend and no more fun for me.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:54, 6 replies)

Fucking five blokes within the space of about 12 hours.
It's good to stretch your boundaries*, but that just made me feel a bit "slaggy".
(*resist)
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:39, 6 replies)

Your mum!

( FIEND, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:37, 1 reply)

Vagabond, I'd like you to watch me with another woman.
Then she could watch me and you.

I'm not really into sharing - Shirley that's cheating?

OK - I'm a lesbian, and you're single.

Ah.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Let's just say
It wasn't worth 7 years in the big house.

Oh who am I kidding. Of course it was.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:08, 1 reply)

Pearoast, as it's still definitely this ...
Ooooooooh I was at a sexy lady's house party and liquored up on eight cans of Irish Harp. Seventeen, thrusting, and full of spunky lust. Despite the aggressive boil on my nose and my flaking scalp, I fancied myself as quite a catch. I'd just successfully muttered along to Rapper's Delight (the LONG version bitches), and was working my way through U Can't Touch This. In short, I was on fire.

Idly playing the air drums, my roving eye scanned the party and fell on a dwarfish young woman who had been hounding me for some months. I had, weeks previously, sucked her mouth for sport, and found it to have a curiously pungent taste – like plaque and cigar smoke mixed with dogshit and chips. Mmmmmmm.

She kept casting dewy-eyed glances my way. Those curiously black-ringed eyes on her unfeasibly large freckled head had me all confused. Extending one stumpy finger from her awkward and pale boy-hand, she sexily beckoned me over, running her other hand through her mannish hair. Giddiness swept through me. I stepped outside for some air. Oh, goodness, a bunch of folk with a bottle of vodka. Give us a swig on that.

Gulp gulp gulp

and –––––––––––––––––– morning.

I'm in a bed. I'm still at the party house. I'm alone. But dark thoughts are nipping at the back of my mind, like an Alan Partridge striptease fantasy. And there's a form on the floor, covered in duvets.

Gingerly I leaned out of bed and pulled a corner of the duvet back, revealing a chillingly large vision of wine-stained teeth, distended eye lids and a masculine short back and sides. She was sleeping, and dressed. I was safe. But still … those ominous flashes in my mind. Fleeting, millisecond sensations of a nipple like a tube of Polos being rolled sickeningly between my fingers like a cannibal's spliff. A cow's long black tongue thrashing around in my mouth.

No. It couldn't have happened. I'd remember something like that. Wouldn't I? Yes, I would. And I didn't. So it didn't happen. Fuck it, time for a shit.

I wobbled my way out of the bedroom, across the landing and into the bathroom. Plonking myself down on the throne, I started playing through the events of the evening. It was fine. I got drunk, went to bed and went to sleep. That's it. Nothing dark happened. I'd have remembered. I'm sure I would have remembered.

Then something struck me. Or rather, the absence of something struck me.
The bathroom was completely quiet.
Silent.

I was unleashing a gallon of piss into the toilet bowl, and yet the whole room was fucking SILENT.

Not wanting to, but unable to resist, I slowly looked down between my legs.

Bobbing off the end of my cock was a grossly swollen condom full to bursting with piss and sperm, and covered with red slime and matted pubes.

Have you ever heard a man howl like a dying wolf? I have.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:58, 25 replies)

Ocean Heights Holiday Park, Newquay, Wales. Aged 15.
I was a bit of an arcade and computer freak so didn't have a great deal of interest or experience with the ladies. On this particular night I was demonstrating my prowess at Karate Champ to a small crowd of lads when this lass around 15 or 16 took an interest in my awesome skills.

Once the crowd had thinned she was still there showing a keen interest in my gaming prowess. Or so I thought.

Shortly, a small group of her friends appeared and after a few minutes I was integrated into their little group. I can't recall much of what happened for the next hour or so but my parents announced that they were going back to their caravan at a park a mile or so up the road and I could either catch a lift or walk back.

As I was having a nice time with this party and the bar was happy to serve underage kids I decided to stay, as it turned out that a few from the group I was with were also staying at the same site.

When the club closed for the night we set off up the road and before long 2 of the girls had disappeared along with 2 of the guys. Leaving me and this girl to walk back alone.

After about 1/2 a mile she declares she's feeling cold so I offer my jacket and she puts it over hers and puts her arm around me. We continue to walk until she announces she needs a rest and we then sit together for a few minutes on roadside bench.

We eventually arrive at her caravan and she whispers to be quiet as her gran is asleep in her bedroom. She gets me a drink and we sit on the sofa talking for a while.

The conversation comes round to sunbathing and she reveals that she's got quite a bad bit of sunburn and unbuttons her blouse to show me her cleavage glowing from within her bra. I recall making some sympathetic cooing noises about it and how it must really hurt before she buttoned herself back up. Then her other friend arrives with the lad she disappeared with. They are both looking a little sweaty.

As it's getting late I decided to go back to my tent and the girl offered to walks me back as it was dark. Her friends say she can't go alone so they join us too.

I think we briefly hugged and they wandered back to their caravan as I climbed into my tent and went to sleep.

It was only in the morning when dad opened the door from their caravan and asked whether he should make 1 cup of coffee or 2 that it dawned on me what I'd missed out on. As she was leaving that morning I never saw her again but she did write me a letter one time. I never replied.

It was still a few years after that before I found a real interest in girls as computers was all I really cared about.

Whenever I tell my male friends this story all these years later I can almost feel them wanting to slap me for ignoring such obvious signs of a come-on.

Apologies for length, of which she never got to experience, despite her best attempts.

Oh. And I did once get the offer of an ffm 3-some from a bisexual girl I'd knobbed a couple of times but she was a bit mental so I dismissed it as one of her weird fantasies.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:42, 4 replies)

On not having a threesome
"Just think how great it'd be to have a threesome," I said.

Dave looked over his pint with tired eyes. "I had a threesome with two women once," he told us, "Back in the 90s. Didn't like it."

Tired Dave didn't like very much, to be honest, but surely no man could dislike a threesome? It's like doing The Sex, only twice as good. Not Tired Dave, who was both old and tired.

"You know how hard it is to satisfy a woman?" he asked.

"Can't say that's ever been a problem," I lied.

"Think how hard it is to satisfy two. Terrible."

I have spent a lifetime heeding his advice.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:31, 1 reply)

My regrets?
When I was a bit younger I refused sex with a couple of female friends.

The first was due to not wanting to have sex outside of a relationship. (I was overly sensitive.)

The second was because she was rather drunk and it wouldn't have been the most gentlemanly thing to do.

The irony being, when I did finally find a girl to have sex with, I was the one who was taken advantage of.
(Mong goose, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:23, 1 reply)

Not having more sex
obviously
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:18, Reply)

had the option of having a threesome
but turned it down as before the day came round i met someone else. I think in hindsight having lots of sex over the next two years was probably just about better than the proposed threesome.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:13, 4 replies)

Chart Cat's
post about the "Devil's Cocktail" during his threesome deserves to be re-posted as it basically wins the Internet.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:11, 13 replies)

Gummyyyy power!
Mmm, I rarely regret doing things (or people...) although getting a "Gummy Bear" while in Amsterdam from a young-ish business man did give me sleepless nights for a while.

Dentures look weird when they're not in someones mouth...
(Helo, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:04, 1 reply)

My only regret is being too keen with guys who I've just met to get nekkid thus losing the chance to form a relationship.
Not all men obviously, but the odd one I've liked a lot.
( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:03, 7 replies)

Sodomising a virgin. That is all.
(Amberleaf, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:01, Reply)

she was 47
I was 21. She had obviously long since given up on one night stands coming her way anymore, despite the fact that her general appearance was quite pleasant. Garlic breath from whatever she'd eaten earlier (presumably garlic), unshaved legs, big old hairy jack and danny, you get the idea.

I still did what I had to do though, for the good of all men and all that.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:59, 5 replies)

My biggest regret
is not screen grabbing Ya What?'s reply where he implied he wished he was a rapist before he deleted it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:59, 5 replies)

Give peas a chance
I was 17, and going out with a girl who was also 17, and she was absolutely bloody gorgeous.

And obviously we were very horny.

And we fooled around an awful lot, BUT

She said she was saving herself.

And, because I'd been brought up right, I respected that. I have two older sisters, who had told me in no uncertain terms that when I came of age I was to respect a girl's decision when she says stuff like that, as she would feel pressured and then awful and dirty and used and stuff afterwards if you didn't.

And this girl I was seeing, one evening when we had some time to ourselves, sat across my lap, with just my shirt on, completely unbuttoned, and whispered, "Screw me".

And I thought "NO - for the woman hath been infected with LUST, and she knows not of what she speaks!" and I did not do the dirty deed to her, for I thought it honourable.

And so she dumped me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:57, 3 replies)

I have actually taken part in a threesome
I don't regret it, so that doesn't fit the question. However, I found it difficult to perform as there was another, and bigger, willy involved. Kinda put me off.

She had fun, though. That's the important thing.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:55, 16 replies)

I only have one regret in life
When first presented with the opportunity to have sex with a woman I must have looked a little nervous as the enthusiastic Scottish lass in question said:

'you can do me up the arse if you like'

I politely declined, and in doing so shunned the opportunity to have completed anal sex with a woman before vaginal sex with a woman thus denying myself an unusual sexual boast.
( WormuIus, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:54, 2 replies)

I got to
crash the yoghurt truck. What do I care? No regrets.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:52, 1 reply)

First?
no that would be too selfish.

I think I've pretty much done everything sexually. If it's in the dictionary I've done it with and without midgets present. That's probably my biggest regret. There really isn't anything new now left to try, except perhaps to do it with somebody I love and who loves me - That would be a first
.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:49, 6 replies)

I think, come Thursday, when I've read 27 posts about giant seabirds.
I will regret that.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:43, 1 reply)

My biggest sexual regret
is not getting to shag the blonde bird from Abba before she got old and fat.
(username failed moderation, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:41, 2 replies)

Coming first

(Geoff Furst Always coming first, so you don't have to, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:36, 12 replies)