Whats that Brain?
A man and his wife are at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:33, Reply)

The same thing we do every night pinky...
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also.

The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:

"She choked."
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:31, Reply)

Zord
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
So one guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:30, Reply)

Poit
A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a piss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the hedge, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himslef gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex!!!"
"No" she replies "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:29, Reply)

A woman is giving birth,
...and as soon as the babies head appears, the doctor rips the baby out of the woman's womb. He starts spinning it around by its umbilical cord, smashing it on the floor and stamping on its head.

“Oh my god” cries the woman, absolutely horrified, “that's my baby!! What are you doing? You'll kill him!”

The doctor laughs, and replies - “April fools - it was already dead.”
(djrob, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:28, Reply)

Narf
A guy walked into a bathroom and started pissing. He looked over and saw a really little man taking a piss. The guy looked over at him and said,
Hello.
The little man said, Hi, I'm a leprechaun! The guy was amazed. The leprechaun said I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes.
The guy was skeptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said, Okay, I want a big house. The leprechaun said, When you return home, you will
have a huge mansion!
The guy said, And then I want a beautiful woman for my own. The leprechaun said, I will give you a woman so wonderful you will never look at anyone
else.
The guy didn't know what to wish for 3rd. He looked over and saw the size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge. He said Okay, my third wish is to
have a big dick as big as yours.
The leprechaun said, "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt.
The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick.
So the two were tearing it up!
All the sudden the guy yelled out, I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt!
Then the leprechaun said, I can't believe you think I am a leprechaun.
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:26, Reply)

Egad Brain
Little Johnny was curious as to the mysteries of female anatomy, so he decided one day to approach his father, who was sure to be a learned scholar on the subject.
"Daddy," said Johnny, "what does a vagina look like?"
Somewhat unprepared for this question, Johnny's old man took some time to gather himself, and replied with a knowledgable smile: "Well, before a woman has sex with a man, a vagina looks like a delicate flower bud, glistening ever-so-slightly in the morning dew."
"And what does it look like after she's had sex?" asked Johnny.
"Like a bulldog eating mayonnaise."
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:26, Reply)

Not quite seasonal - but
What is bloody and slimy and goes "ho ho ho"?

Placenta Claus


(I've gotta million of 'em)
(pacificprincess1, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:16, Reply)

Blondes (bit tame)
This beautiful blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it?"

The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve?"

She said, "I can't, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuck."
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:01, Reply)

What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
God, you can't eat sand!


(I don't think I saw this one when I was reading through, but if it's a repeat, apologies)
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 10:51, Reply)

.
What's got one ball and fucks women?



Peter Sutcliffe's hammer...
(scruffyfella hasn't washed since..., Tue 14 Sep 2004, 10:48, Reply)

Guiness Book of Records
Three guys are sitting round in the pub sinking a few.
The first guy goes "I'm going to try to go into the guiness book of records as the man with the biggest feet in the world"
The second guy goes "yeah well I'M gonna go to the guiness book of records and prove that I have the longest fingers in the world".
Not to be outdone the third guy goes "well I'm gonna go to the Guiness Book of records and prove I have the smallest cock in the world"
And off they go...
First guy comes out and goes "yeah I have the biggest feet in the world. I knew it."
Second guy comes out "I told you I had the longest fingers in the world"
Third guy comes out "hey have any of you ever heard of [insert male friends full name you're telling joke to]"
(flash, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 10:45, Reply)

Jokes SUMMARY!!! (Summary of pages 1 - 34)
A summary of all the best jokes in my opinion. Not meaning to steal credit, just to save time for everyone, okay? I voted for all the people i took a joke from. Here goes...


********
what has two legs and bleeds?
half a dog
*******
Paedophile leading a child through the woods at night...
"What? YOU'RE scared. i have to walk out of these woods on my own."
*******
Mrs Smith goes to a doctors surgery to get the results of a test.

When she asks the doctor for the results he replies " Do you know how to change a nappy?".

"Am I pregant" she asks?

"No. You have bowel cancer."
********
Why don't pygmies use tampons?
They keep tripping on the string.
********
What would it take to reunite 'The Beatles'?
A few bullets.
******
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.
******
Definition of gross: Sticking 12 oysters in an old woman's fanny and sucking out 13.
*********
George Bush and Tony Blair sitting in a cafe, talking about stuff.
The waiter, whos a bit of a wisearse, gives them their coffee, and then asks: "so, who are you plotting to kill now?"
Bush turns and replies: "Well tomorrow I'm gonna nuke Pakistan, and the day after, i'm gonna shoot your mum"
Waiter: "No. Don't kill my mum! What's she ever done wrong!"
Bush turns to Blair and goes: "See! Told you no-one cared about the Pakis"
********
What do you do once you've raped a deaf girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum
(OMG)
********
What's the better than fucking a 6-year-old girl?
a. Flipping them around and pretending she's a 6-year-old boy
b. Slicking her hair back and pretending she's a 6-year-old boy

What's better than fucking a 6-year-old boy?
NOTHING.

What's the worst part about fucking a 6-year-old boy?
Getting the blood out of my clownsuit.

How do you make a 6-year-old cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

What's the best part about fucking an infant?
Hearing the pelvis crack.

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a spare tire?
I don't have a spare tire sitting in my trunk.

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
a. You don't cry when you're cutting up the hooker.
b. An onion doesn't scream when you peel it away, layer by layer.
********
A woman passes out after giving birth...
She eventually comes around and a doctor is standing over her...
He says "I have some good news and some bad news"
The woman replies, "Oh no, what's the bad news"
Dr: "You're son is ginger"
Woman:"What's the good news"
Dr: "He's dead anyway"
*******
Why do pill bottles have that bit of cotton wool in the top?
To remind blacks they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
*******
What do you call 5 mexicans, three black men and one oriental man?

A garden sprinkler.....

Spick-Spick-Spick-Spick-Spick-Chink-Nigger-Nigger-Nigger
********
A blind man goes into a forest... as he goes on he stumbles into a stream and then decides he should feel his way around for a bridge.

Just as he arrives at the bridge, a bunny rabbit and a skunk dive at him and say
"you can only cross this bridge if you can guess what we are"

He feels the bunny first "well... you have long ears, long front teeth and a fluffy tail, you must be a rabbit"
Then he feels the skunk..."you've got long greasy hair and you smell... you must be a paki"
*******
Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the table, and says "Put me up for the night."
********
Q: Whats black and screams?
A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron
********
Whats the difference between...
A truck of sand and a truck of babies?
You cant pick up sand with a pitchfork.
*********
Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
You only have to punch the information into a computer once.
********
What's more fun than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
Ripping it off.
*******
A paraplegic walks into a bar.
Wait a minute, no he doesn't...
*******
Whats the difference between a baby and a fridge?
A fridge dosnt scream when you put your meat in it.
********
A woman phones up the police station late at night, and says "Help! I've been reaped!"
The officer on duty answers, "Don't you mean raped?"
"No, he used a scythe"
*******
Whats funnier than swinging a cat around on a washing line by its tail?
Stopping it with a spade!
*********
Whats green and hangs on your veranda?
Its my nigger and I can paint him any colour I like!!
********
What's the difference between a piece of toast and French men?
You can make soldiers out of a piece of toast.
**********
9/11 Joke

Who are the fastest readers in the world?
New Yorkers. 110 stories in 15 seconds
********
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3, one to screw it in, one to get me a beer and one to suck my cock
*********
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't come all over an apple before I eat it.
********
Why do brides wear white?
To match the rest of the appliances.
********
There was a young man called Dave
who found a dead whore in a cave
he said, "just my luck to get a cold fuck,
but think of the money I'll save".
*********
What's the worst thing about drinking a newborn-baby-smoothie?
The sound the mother makes watching you make it.
**********
Why don't blacks like chainsaws?
Run-nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga
********
Whats pink, wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas in the morning?
Granny.
*******
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you are still a little warm when I fuck you up your arse.
(LOL)
*******
Man goes to the doctors..
Doctor says, "I'm afraid i have two lots of bad news for you. First, I'm afraid you have terminal cancer."
Man says, "Oh my god, that's terrible I'm going to die aren't I, what's the other bad news?"
Doc replies, "Well you also have Alzheimers disease."
"Oh", says the man, "well it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer."
********
Whats the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage?
You can't eat a train carriage.
*********
Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: The seven-year-old in my basement.
*********
Q: What's the worst part of nailing a baby to a wall?
A: Having to pry it off again every time you're horny.
*******
What do 54,000 abused women every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen
*******
Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono
********
A Man walks into a chemists, and says "I need some birth control for my 14yr old daughter".
The chemist looks a bit shocked by this and queries "Your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?".
The man thinks for a moment then replies..
"Not really, she just lies there like her mother"
********
How many women does it take to decorate a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them
********
Why are there no arabs in StarTrek?
Because StarTrek is set in the future...
********
Whats the best thing about fucking a nine year old boy?
Watching him cry in court.
*****
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom when his mother is in the shower.
"Mummy mummy! What's that between your legs?"
"Umm ... that's where daddy hit me with an axe."
"Ooooo! Right in the cunt!"
********
What do you call a supermodel with a yeast infection?
Quarterpounder with cheese.
*******
Little Johnny wakes up on christmas morning, runs downstairs and is greeted by his parents and hundreds of presents under the tree.

"Oh Wow!" cries Little Johnny as he starts tearing away at all the wrapping paper. Little Johnny is so excited as he opens the presents. He has a brand new BMX, a skateboard, a playstation, a brand new PC, a scooter, a climbing frame - everything a little boy would want.

When he finishes opening all the presents, Little Johnny asks his parents if he can go round to Little

Timmy's house to tell him about all the wonderful presents he got.

"Of course you can Little Johnny, off you go, but be back before dinner!"

So off Little Johnny goes, and gets to Little Timmy's house.

"Oh Timmy! This is the best christmas EVER! I got a playstation, a BMX, a new computer - everything i could ever want!!"

"Oh your so lucky", replies Little Timmy, "I wish I had cancer."
********
Little Johnny finds a welder's mask, and spends the whole day wearing it, seeing the world through green glass. Eventually, he runs into a man in a dirty old mac.

"Hello little boy, do you know what blowjobs are?"
"No."
"Do you know what a paedophile is?"
"No."
"Have you ever been spit-roasted?"
"Look mister," says Johnny removing the mask, "I'm not really a welder you know."
*********
Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken
*********
Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives shelter?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her
*********
*knock knock*
Who's there
Zis is the Nazi's, vere are your papers??
*********
An old Chinese man walks into a bar, up to the black bartender and says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" The bartender is a bit offended but pours the man his drink anyway. A few minutes later, the Chinese man finishes his drink, walks up to the bar, and again says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" The bartender is getting a little mad, but lets it slide. The Chinese man finishes off his third drink, and walks up to
the bar, but before he can order, the black man says, "Please don't call me a nigger again, it's offensive." The Chinese man just laughs and says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" which infuriates the bartender. "Okay," he says, "that's it, let's trade places and see how you like it!" The Chinese man agrees, and the black man walks out of the bar, and back in, to where the Chinese man is standing behind the bar. He says to the Chinese man, "Give me a drink, chink" to which the Chinese man replies "I'm sorry - we don't serve niggers here."
*******
Q) What's the best part about fucking a two week old baby?
A) Deep throat from both ends.

(OMG)
*******
A baby seal walks into a club...
*******
Q: In Greece, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.
*******
What do you get if you cross a black-man with an octopus? Nothing much, but by fuck it can't half pick cotton.
*******
What's the difference between a french girl and a bowling ball?

You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball
*******
Q: Why can't you have sex with pensioners?
A: Have you ever tried taking apart a cheese & ham toastie?

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: Have you seen the mess a slug makes?
********
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
One, but you have to throw it really hard
********
Little Johnny misses a day at school.
He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"
"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium"
********
A guy steps into an elevator and notices a nice looking girl is in it.
He leans over and says, "Can I smell your cunt?"
"Of course not!" she screams back at him.
"Oh - then it must be your feet" he replies.
********
What's Bin Laden's favourite receipe?
Big Apple Crumble
********
World Trade Centre...
There's still a Hotdog seller running around Ground Zero trying to find out who ordered the "Jumbo"
********
Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.
"Don't know" he replied, playing along.
"I'll be six!" she replied.
She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"
"To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers." he says.
So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.
"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandad says.
"How did you know that?" replies Katie.
"Because I heard you saying it to your dad" was the reply.
********
Whats red slimy and crawls up a womans thigh
A homesick abortion
********
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

(LOL)
********
Whats the worst thing about shagging a 6 year old?
Having to kill it afterwards
********
What's a Police Officer's favorite hand in poker?
Four clubs beat a spade.
********
In the hills of Tennessee a girl ask her father "Kin I use the car daddy?"
He replies "Sorry hunny, your brother needs it."
"But Daddeeeee"
"Well, alright, I'll tell him he'll have to wait. But you have to suck my dick first."
"Oh, okay"
So she goes down only to pull back spitting and sputtering.
"Daddy, it taste like poop!"
Father replies: "I told you your brother needed the car too."
********
Q: Two pakis jump off a cliff - one's wearing red, the other's wearing blue. Who wins?
A: Society.
********

Thats all up to page 34 (14/9/04)
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 10:25, Reply)

Royal
Whats the difference between Princess Diana and the Queen Mum?

They both died pushing 102.
(Wrecked Tums, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 10:15, Reply)

First Post
A leper walks into a brothel and says to the girl thats out front "look im a leper and no one will shag me, can you help me?" The girl looks at him and says "well so long as one of the girls agrees, but you'll have to pay triple the price." The only girl that will agree to shag him is fugly to say the least but he thinks to himself that this is the best he can hope for. The prostitute leads him to a small room and they get down to it. When he's finished he gets up and gives her the money and on leaving the room he turns and says "you can keep the tip".

First post hope it hasn't already been done.
(nobodyremembersmyname, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 10:04, Reply)

Bernard Manning would be proud
Q: Two pakis jump off a cliff - one's wearing red, the other's wearing blue. Who wins?
A: Society.
(TooAshamedToUseMyRealNick, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 10:01, Reply)

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest holiday destination?
He's going to Tampa with the kids
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 9:41, Reply)

Not entirely sick
Why are women like washing machines?





They both leak when they're fucked....
(plateau, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 9:37, Reply)

Havn't seen it so far.
A mute guy goes into a chemist to buy some condoms. In every way possible the guy tries to sign to the chemist what he wants, but alas, the chemist simply can't understand what the mute wants.

Out of desparation the mute pulls out a fiver, whips his cock out, and slaps them both down on the counter.

The chemist says "fine", whips his own cock out, slaps it down on the counter and it dwarfs the mutes' cock by several inches. The chemist then puts his cock away, and pockets the fiver.

The mute looks shocked and very distressed, so the chemist says "Look mate, if you're going to make bets like that, what do you expect?"

It's the way I tell them... i.e. badly.
(minister of heresy, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 9:30, Reply)

whats the queen mum n a cock got in common?
they both go hard after 3 strokes
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 9:26, Reply)

not so much sick but funny
man walks into asda puts his penis on the counter and asks the assitant 'roll this back for us love'.
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 9:22, Reply)

A silly joke then.
A magic tractor goes down a lane and turns into a field. Oh, what's that you say? Sickest joke? Right you are.

A magic tractor goes down a lane and turns into a field. Of dead babies.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 9:04, Reply)

why did hitler commit suicide?
because he just got the gas bill!

hooray, all aboard the the hull express!
(marky-MALFUNCTION, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 8:15, Reply)

What would
Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today?

Scratching on the lid of her coffin
(Jibbed, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 4:44, Reply)

A man is in the pub and spots a gorgeous girl.
He walks over to her and says:
"Know the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job?"
Of course her answer is no.

"Wanna go for lunch?"
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 3:49, Reply)

..
Bob returns to see Bill at work after the weekend.

"Bill, Bill, I had an amazing weekend."

"Get pissed and stoned?"

"No. I went for a walk" says Bob.

"A walk?"

"Yeah, down the canal, and then I took a left over the bridge and went down the railway tracks, and thats where I came along this young damsel in distress" Bob starts to salivate a bit.

"OK, I'm interested now" replies Bill

"She was tied to the tracks all naked! So I did rescued her, and took her home. She was a bit cold, so I put her on the rug in front of the fireplace. After a while, she started to warm up, and to cut a long story short, I got a bit excited. We ended up making love in every single possible position all night long! It was fantastic!"

"Holy crap!" screams Bob, "Tell me more. Tell me more. Did she give good head?"

"Oh, dunno. Never found her head"
(staggs28, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 2:49, Reply)

keep it in the family....
How do you know your sisters on her period ???

Your dad's cock tastes funny....!!!!

A boy is in bed with his sister, he turns to her and says your a better fuck than my mum.
She replies I know, my dad told me...!!!
(tufty the chav slayer, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 1:23, Reply)

probably been done before but....
Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star ???


He had an arm like a babies cock.... !!!!

Whats the best thing about twenty eight year olds ???

There is 20 of them ....!!!!
(tufty the chav slayer, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 1:20, Reply)

More Jokes
Why did jesus cross the road?
cause' he was nailed to the chicken

What's pink and red and goes round and round?
A baby with it's foot nailed to the floor.

What doesn't jesus eat skittles?
Cause they keep falling through his hands.

How can you tell if you're dating a tough gal?
she rolls her own tampons.

What do vampires use for tea bags?
Tampons

Why don't pygmies use tampons?
They keep tripping on the string.

Why do you call skin on the end of a cock?
A man

Why do men had holes in their cocks?
so they're open minded

That's all for now!
(La Chockita, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 1:09, Reply)