what do you get if you cross billie piper with a turkey
something horribly unexpected
(animalsinclothes, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 9:23, Reply)

new tampon
did you hear that tampax is bringing out a new tampon? they have replaced the string with a piece of coloured tinsel.... it's been released for the christmas period..
(bundy, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 8:00, Reply)

Can't be bothered to check if it's been posted...
This gay guy named Nigel is totally in love with his doctor. Much to the doctor's chagrin he makes an appointment at least three times a week with imagined illnesses and the doctor sends him away telling him not to come back unless he's really sick.

So one day Nigel goes to the doctor and when the doctor sees him he says,

"Oh God no, what is it this time Nigel?"

Nigel replies in a very mincing tone, "I seem to have gotten something stuck up my back door"

Doctor: "Oh Jesus, why me? Alright pull down your pants and bend over."

Nigel obliges and the doctor has a look, "Oh shit, there's definitely something up there, it looks like a stick..........a stick with thorns on it...........there's more than one, oh this is disgust.......there's heaps of them!"

The doctor grabs some forceps and finally gets hold of everything stuck in there and, shocked, pulls a dozen roses out of Nigel's arsehole.

Nigel, still bending over, looks back at the doctor and squeals "Go on, read the card, READ THE CARD!"
(winestain, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 23:14, Reply)

Sorry if it's been posted before but;
Why did Adolf Hitler kill himself?



He saw the gas bill.
(tranmerefan, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 22:45, Reply)

doctor walks int George Bests room,
he says "i've got some good news and some bad news, the bad news is that you only have an hour to live,...the good news is that it's happy hour"
( MrSanity has maybe kicked the WoW habit forever, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 19:45, Reply)

My first ever post!!!
Can't remember seeing this one here before so...

Q: Why did the backstreet abortionist go out of business?

A: Because his ferret died.
(Trolley, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 19:42, Reply)

What Do You Call a Black Baby Pig?
Niglet.
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 15:23, Reply)

why do women wear makeup and perfume?
cos they're ugly and they smell bad
(softporn 70's sink fixer, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 14:49, Reply)

Not spotted this one...
But sorry if it turns out to be a repost...

A young man sits down at the bar and orders ten shots of tequila. The barman pours the drinks and asks the lad what his troubles are. "Oh no troubles" he replies "In fact, I'm sort of celebrating".
"Celebrating what?" asks the barman.
"My first blowjob" came the reply.
"Well in that case, the 11th shot is on the house" replied the barman.
"No thanks" said the young man. "No offense, but if ten don't get rid of the taste, nothing will".
(PrinceMong, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 14:28, Reply)

Sorry if already posted (read most of the pages)
What's got three legs & lives on a farm?
Paul McCartney & his wife.
( ERG1008 is climbing in yo windows & snatchin yo people up, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 14:18, Reply)

Not really that offensive.
Two gays, Tarquin and Justin, sitting watching Television of an evening, when Justin turns to Tarquin and says 'You know, I've got a bit of an itch up my bum, can you scratch it?'
Tarquin naturally obliges, so Justin whips his kecks down, and Tarquin sticks his finger up.
'There?'
'Nooo, it's deeper'
So he sticks two fingers in and pushes a bit more.
'There?'
'Nooo, deeper'
So four fingers, delving around.
'There?'
'Noo, deeper'
So Tarquin pushes and pushes, and manages to get his whole hand up Justin's arse, feeling away.
'There?'
'Noo, it's deeper than that, go deeper'
So with gargantuan effort, Tarquin wedges his whole arm up Justin's arse, elbow deep.
'I've found something!'
'Well grab it, get it out!'
He withdraws his arm, and looks..
'It's a Rolex watch!'

'Haaaappy Birthday to youuuu, Happy Birthday to youuu'

(cor, two posts in one day)
(ArfurDaley Must try harder., Tue 13 Dec 2005, 12:43, Reply)

As told to me by a very inappropriate chap who looks a bit like Jimmy Carr...

St. Peter's standing at the Pearly Gates, and he spies a little brown face coming up the escalator.

A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be wanting to come into heaven thankyou'
'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim, aren't you'
'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou'
'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there'
'am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please'
'You can't be a good muslim, how?'
'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity all the time'
St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?'
The Pakistani stands up proudly. 'Only last week, am giving twenty pounds to the children in need'
St. Peter considers him for a second, and finally resigns himself to the fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here'

So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple of hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani, and says 'Right, I've had a chat with God about you, and it's all sorted.'
'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fuck Off'.



I thought it was worth the length. *POP*...
(ArfurDaley Must try harder., Tue 13 Dec 2005, 10:26, Reply)

What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single.
(Chuckman, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 23:35, Reply)

What do you get if you cross an octopus with an afro-american?
No idea, but i bet it's great at picking cotton...

*giggles* bet it's a duplicate though...
(john_woo_yay, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 19:15, Reply)

What's black and shoots across a room?
Marvin Gaye's dad
(geegee, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 17:42, Reply)

What have George Best and Gary Glitter got in common?
They both enjoyed the occasional tot.
/coat
(Flagrant Tendencies, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 17:42, Reply)

Meh
Not really sick, but whatever.


Jesus is walking and comes across the adultress being stoned. He stops the crowd and gives his little spiel. "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

A rock flies out of the crowd and hits the woman. Jesus turns and says, "nobody likes a smartass, ma!"
(DeadCats, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 17:39, Reply)

With apologies to Jimmy Carr
I was talking with my girlfriend last night, and she asked me if I wanted to have a baby. Now this really got me thinking. I mean, it would change our entire relationship, we'd start calling each other mum and dad, we're not even married, would that be a problem? We'd never have time alone together, and of course there's the money, bringing up a child is pretty expensive nowadays, you've got clothes, food, toys, school, all that tots up, plus why don't I just adopt? There are loads of underprivileged kids out there, having my own kid isn't just about wanting a little version of me running around. Am I really mature enough to be taking care of another human being? I mean I'm a pretty useless person, what's to say I wouldn't just get locked up for child-neglect? Also, my girlfriend and me have differing opinions on religion, would we get it baptised? send it to a Christian school? But then again, it's a very precious thing, it's what you were put on this earth to do, you love your kid unconditionally, they take care of you when you're old, they can give you some of the best moments of your life. So I weighed up all the pros and cons, and decided, no. Unfortunately, by this time I'd already cum. Thankfully, all over her tits.
(Elmsters, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 17:39, Reply)

All the beauty salons in South London are closing down . . .
. . . 'cause the police there are doing Brazilians for nothing
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Mon 12 Dec 2005, 17:32, Reply)

lol
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name?
A: Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar.
(mcintoish, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 17:03, Reply)

Not too sick & not about babies etc
there were these 2 rats in the sewer.
One says to other "whats up, you look right cheesed off?"(no pun meant with cheese)
2nd rat replies:"I've had a guts full.every days the same..shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for tea"
1st rat: "tell you what, why don't we have a night on the piss"
(Picasso, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:58, Reply)

Things to do in toilets
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a shoe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with lemonade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say,' Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toilet paper, lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
(mcintoish, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:48, Reply)

woo yaa
A drunk walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I wan't to rip your shirt off and suck on your boobies".

The woman points across the bar and says, "See that big, hulking guy over there, he's my boyfriend and if you don't leave be alone, I'm gonna get him to beat the crap out of you".

The drunk slinks away but soon musters the courage to try again, saying to the woman, "I want to take off your pants and lick your a$$".

Again, the woman says, "I'm not kidding, leave me alone or I'll get my boyfriend to kick the living snot out of you".

The drunk however is not deterred and whispers to the woman, "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pu$$y full of whiskey, and drink you dry".

In a rage, the woman crosses the bar to speak to her boyfriend. "See that drunk over there, he said we would rip my shirt off and suck on my boobies!".

The boyfriend stands up and says, "I'll kill him".

The woman goes on, "He also said he would take off my pants and lick my a$$".

The boyfriend turns red with rage and starts to cross the bar, but the woman holds him back and finishes the tale, "He then said we would flip me upside down, fill my pu$$y with whiskey and drink me dry"!

Suddenly the boyfriend turns pale and sits down. The girlfriend says, "What's the matter, aren't you going to kick the snot out of him?"

The boyfriend replies, "Anyone who can drink that much whiskey is too tough for me!"
(mcintoish, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:39, Reply)

hooray for the monkees
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.
Q: Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead, too.
Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to the other two.
Q: Why did the elephant fall over?
A: It got hit by falling monkeys.
(mcintoish, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:34, Reply)

What do you call the flesh surrounding a vagina?

A woman
(geegee, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:34, Reply)

PIGS
What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside
(mcintoish, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:33, Reply)

What's worse than stepping on the dead mouse that your cat brought in? Stepping on half a dead mouse.
An idiot son of an asshole storms into an other country under false pretenses, and proceeds to ....
Oh wait, that's NOT funny
(annfyban, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:16, Reply)

Eee
Know this might have been posted..but I'm lazy and am going to have a go with it anyway. Heard this whilst 21 and at my very first naughty strip club. My guy friends took me out apparently thinking they could get me drunk enough to preform on amuteur night. They failed.

"What do you call a dead baby crawling up your leg?"

...A homesick abortion.
(thewenchspeaks, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:04, Reply)

Anyone remember this one?
Q: What's yellow and white and goes down well at Christmas?

A: The Penlee lifeboat.

Read this:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penlee_lifeboat_disaster

To find out why a joke that, at age 12 or so I thought was hilarious, wasn't really all that funny. Oh well. Live and don't learn, that's me...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Mon 12 Dec 2005, 15:54, Reply)

AAAAAWWWWIIIGGGHHHTTT CHEWALL!! IT'S A NEW WORLD WECORD....
Going back a long long time ago, I remember this one quite vividly as being one of the sickest jokes I ever heard... (envisage the time when Roy Castle was slowly fading away from his ecounter with cancer)
"Have you heard, Roy Castle has been given three weeks left to live.....

He's going to try and do it in a week"

Boom boom, arf arf

Sorry
(HairyBaldy, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 12:42, Reply)