Topical / Oblique
Ok .... who told Irans President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad about this QOTW, or is it just a myth?


YESSSS! pop, lost it ......... was it good for you?
Jocular phallic ending, why do my ex gf always call me 'Justin' ?
(smeg-head, Sat 17 Dec 2005, 16:33, Reply)

A sick joke about Gary Glitter
What do people call Gary Glitter now he's lost his hair?

Gary Baldy!
( giant_squid, Sat 17 Dec 2005, 13:59, Reply)

New...
What do you do if someone runs into an epileptic's centre with a strobe light?

Foam Party!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sat 17 Dec 2005, 7:27, Reply)

What's the worst part about shoving 12 oysters up your granny's cunt?
licking out 13 afterwards
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 16:59, Reply)

What's blue and doesn't like sex?
The boy in the boot of my car.
(Douze, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 15:29, Reply)

Hmmm....
So this Air-South-Africa plane is flying across the mountains, and the pilot announces that there's too much weight, and they're gonna have to start throwing people off to avoid crashing into a mountainside. So the stewardess gets up and says "We're going to be totally fair, and do this in alphabetical order. So, all Africans, Blacks and Colored people please jump off now!"

-------------

Why did god invent the orgasm?
So the blacks would know when to stop fucking!

-------------

A man finds an old oil lamp in the attic, and rubs it to see if a genie will pop out. Sure enough, a genie pops out and says "I grant you three wishes, but you must wish them silently in your mind, do not speak them aloud!"

He goes downstairs later to get a beer from the fridge, and there on the middle shelf is a million dollars. "Wow, a cool million!" he thinks to himself, maybe this genie was onto something.

He then wonders if the other 2 wishes have come true? He runs upstairs, and sure enough, there's [insert supermodel name here] lying naked on the bed, with pouty lips.

Just then, there's a ring at the doorbell, so he goes downstairs to answer it. Outside is a Klu-Klux Klan man, all dressed in white with a pointy hood, and a noose in his hand, and he says "You wanne be hung like a nigger?"
( BamaSS, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 14:07, Reply)

No apologies. At all. Ever.
Mr Jones gets a phone call from the hospital. His wife was in a car accident.

He arrives and the doctor pulls him in to a quiet office.

"I'm sorry to say your wife was in an accident" The doctor says. Mr Jones sits down.
"She has a broken back" He continues. Mr Jones starts to well up.
"She will be unable to walk again" Tears start.
"You'll have to spoon feed her..." more tears
"You'll need to nappy/diaper her because she won't be able to go to the toilet on her own..." even more tears and a small sob
"You'll have to roll her over every two hours because of bed sores..." more sobs, floods of tears.
"You'll have to bathe her yourself..." starts to slump on the floor...
"She'll constantly shit and piss herself..." on the floor crying, sobbing, and a slight wail.
"You'll have to communicate for her because she won't be able to..." He's wailing out loud
The doctor leans over and touches his shoulder gently...

"Dude, I'm just fucking with you...She's dead".
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Fri 16 Dec 2005, 12:26, Reply)

oi ImNotRightBotheredMe
"What do you do if someone has a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing in quickly."

that ain't funny my grandfather died like that...






...he choked on a sock

/old gold
(doltage, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 12:16, Reply)

There's a bear and a rabbit taking a dump in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you ever have trouble getting poo stuck to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No...not really..."

So the bear wipes his arse on the rabbit.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 11:27, Reply)

chunks
Not sure if this has been done.

Three guys start drinking at lunch time and decide to make a whole day of it, day becomes night and still drinking. eventually all go home and agree on a all day breakfast to recover the next day.

Next day comes round and they all look like crap. First guy says i had did something really bad last night when i got home, i woke my wife up and she said that was it and wants a divorce. Second guy says thats nothing, i got home and wanted chips and ended up burning my house down. Third guy says thats nothing, i got home and blew chunks, the others say 'what how can that be worse than us' so he explains that chunks is his dog
(hairymonkey, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 10:34, Reply)

Oscar's a bit wild
Not that sick but:

"From the outset I could tell that Oscar Wilde was gay. Honestly, someone who likes wine that much can't be straight. He'd always be following me round my house with a Semillon."
(tomshave, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 1:14, Reply)

ho hum
how do you stop 5 black men raping a white girl?

throw them a basketball.

also, why can't stevie wonder and ray charles read?

cos theyre black, duh.
(larnioooo, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 1:02, Reply)

Plans to bury George Best in Dublin cancelled
Authorities are now regretting the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead


maybe hell won't be that bad
(gjfreakboy, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 16:15, Reply)

Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star? lol!!11!!one!
....what's that? You did?

oh.
( slippery doctore, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 15:29, Reply)

whats black and has 37 tits???
a black bin bag outside a cancer clinic!
(McOrange, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 15:07, Reply)

How do you make a cat go "Woof"?
Douse it in petrol and strike a match....

WOOF!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 13:29, Reply)

Once upon a time, there was a black knight on a black horse...
But the princess said 'no'
(Mr_Jums, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 1:10, Reply)

Imagine this is 1997 and you think you're having a serious conversation.
Princess Diana was on the radio last night.

And on the dashboard. And on the windscreen...



(this would be my first post ever. Woo!)
(Cap'n, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 19:15, Reply)

Bear with me on this one...
There was once a man named Gervais (pronounced Frenchly) who owned a world-famous fish restaurant. Now, it just so happens that along one wall of this restaurant was a giant fish tank, full of fish to be served. Patrons would walk over to the tank, select which specimen was to be their dinner, and it would be cooked to their liking. There was one creature in particular, however, that Gervais refused to sacrifice: the Wild Green Hairy-lipped Squid. Whenever a customer requested it, he would inform them that, regretfully, it had already been reserved by another customer. But one day an excessively rich city tycoon came in and requested this magnificent specimen, and when Gervais told him it was reserved, he offered to pay several million pounds just for that one dish. Now Gervais, enticed by the thought of such great riches, complied. He removed the squid from the tank and brought it out to the chopping board. He raised the meat cleaver, but then caught the eye of the squid. That dark pool; so expressive, so pitiful and when Gervais looked into it all the memories of the happy years he had enjoyed with the squid flooded back. He broke down in tears, and simply could not kill it. He wished to go with the sale, however, so he called upon Hans. Now Hans was a very large German sort, accustomed normally to washing the dishes and other simple tasks around the kitchen. A former member of the German special forces, Hans was not a man to be troubled by such emotional matters. They were for the weak. Full of confidence, he pinned the squid down and raised the meat cleaver. But then the squid's eye caught his own and, mesmerised by it's beauty, wisdom and mournful stillness, Hans broke down in tears for the first time in his life.

The moral of the story?

Hans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervais with Wild Green Hairy-lipped Squid.





SPOILER:
Hands that do dishes can be as soft as your face with wild green fairy liquid.

I thank you.
(Mr_Jums, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 15:57, Reply)

Not sick but...
Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.
(Mr_Jums, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 15:37, Reply)

How many
Anglican bishops does it take to change a light bulb?

Change?!
(Mr_Jums, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 15:26, Reply)

Similarity between George Best and Gary Glitter?
They both enjoy the occasional tot.
(Mr_Jums, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 15:19, Reply)

Bit more topical...

Q. What was the difference between Princess Di's driver, and George Best?

A. George Best could take corners p*ssed
(Gibber, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 14:43, Reply)

Oldy but a goody...
Q. What do you call a black man flying a plane?


A. Pilot, you racist c*nt.
(Gibber, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 14:40, Reply)

Doctor Doctor, ive broken my leg!

Yes its a very bad break you will never walk again.
(animalsinclothes, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 12:01, Reply)

A man walks into a bar
he has got an alcohol problem thats destroying his family.
(animalsinclothes, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 11:58, Reply)

Cheating Girlfriend
A man is sitting in a bar looking really upset. The barman realises that this depressed looking man is bad for business so goes to cheer him up.
"What's the matter?" asks the barman.
"I've just found my wife in bed with my best friend"
"That's awful!" shouts the barman. "What a bitch! What did you do?"
"Well," said the man, "I grabbed my girlfriend by the hair, threw her out of the house, grabbed all her clothes, threw them out of the window after her and told her never to come back."
"Good for you", says the barman. "What did you do to your best friend?"
"Well", says the man. "I shook my finger at him and said "BAD DOG!" "

Yay! First posting!
(motorbike thieves should be chainsawed, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 11:55, Reply)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Police. Your Husband has been killed.
(animalsinclothes, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 10:30, Reply)

how many paki's can you fit in to a ford fiesta
4 and a small child
(animalsinclothes, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 10:12, Reply)

Joke 5
Police admitted today that George Best was not buried in Belfast last week and the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning may have been a mistake.
(davefromkent, Wed 14 Dec 2005, 10:11, Reply)