why did hitler kill himself?
he saw the gas bill

whats black and blue an afraid of sex?
the small boy in my basement

what eats more pussy than a randy lesbian?
cervical cance

whats small, red and hangs off the back of trains?
a mis-carriage
sorry!
(hot wee wee jefferson - the cystitis kid strange things are afoot at the circle K, Fri 20 Jan 2006, 21:49, Reply)

Could be...
Upon hearing "THe black eyed peas" new song, "my lumps/ humps/ bumps or whatever"

Thought it could be used in the new cancer research ad.
(klegnut, Fri 20 Jan 2006, 20:38, Reply)

What's funny?
A bunch of black people with cancer

www.aclt.org/



:(
(Ethong is enjoying Cardiff. Especially Bogiez., Fri 20 Jan 2006, 18:24, Reply)

I hate pantos
What's the funniest thing about Panto horses?

You have to shoot them twice.
(Elmsters, Thu 19 Jan 2006, 21:33, Reply)

5 minutes later on july 11th
What does bin laden have for lunch?

3 subways and a double decker.

A Mog & Mole Presentation.
(holymole, Wed 18 Jan 2006, 18:11, Reply)

sick joke
What's Pink and hard in the morning?

Cot death.

Complements of Morgan (i had nothing to do with this!)
(holymole, Wed 18 Jan 2006, 17:12, Reply)

apologies in advance
Why do Japanease people have slanty eyes?

Have you ever seen the glare off an atom bomb.

I know, wrong!
(holymole, Wed 18 Jan 2006, 10:37, Reply)

Heard about the new Christopher Reeve biopic?



Brokeback Mountain?




I'll get my coat
(Quantum Sheep was going to type something clever here...but...oh, Tue 17 Jan 2006, 23:57, Reply)

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Good Year.
(Pachey, Tue 17 Jan 2006, 20:04, Reply)

Tourettes Story
I remember being a very loud sweary kinda guy (no change there then).

In the middle of Birmingham City Centre I was walking with a friend of mine, using language like "Oh for fucks sake what the fuck"

This old lady then had a go at me for swearing so loudly in public, to Whic I replied "I've Got Tourettes you fucking old bat"

I have never seen anyone walk away so sheepishly in my life.
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Tue 17 Jan 2006, 18:58, Reply)

Why Do Women like Michael Hutchence and Harold Shipman???
Coz both Are Well Hung.
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Tue 17 Jan 2006, 18:44, Reply)

How do you get a Gypo Pregnant???
Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Tue 17 Jan 2006, 18:41, Reply)

What's brown and sticky?
Damilola Taylor.


(Baron Samedi - sale must end, Tue 17 Jan 2006, 18:37, Reply)

What's blue and sticky
Smurf cum.
( rob, Mon 16 Jan 2006, 17:40, Reply)

For the builders.
How many blacks does it take to tile a roof?
3 if you slice them thinly.
(or just use wood - expensive but coming back in fashion)
(Picasso, Mon 16 Jan 2006, 2:21, Reply)

Warning, may contain poor humour.
So this lady has a severe allergy to nuts, she's one of those people who meant you couldn't bring peanut butter sandwiches into school. Anyway, she's in the middle of a nice long sex session with her husband when suddenly she has a reaction, starts frothing and everything. He rushes her to hospital, but she dies. The doctors are trying to work out how she got into contact with nuts, was it a delayed reaction? Had the man been eating peanuts? No. Finally, in desperation, the doctors ask the man, "did you have peanut butter anywhere on your body at the time?" and the man says "No! It can't be! The dog licked that all off!"
(Elmsters, Sun 15 Jan 2006, 18:17, Reply)

nature
whats brown and sticky?
a stick
(babog, Sun 15 Jan 2006, 18:07, Reply)

simple maths
How do you circumsise a redneck?

kick his sister in the jaw
(minister of evil, Sun 15 Jan 2006, 17:30, Reply)

It's all coming back to me now
said the blind man as he pissed in the wind
(donkeysoup Was last seen on, Sat 14 Jan 2006, 15:27, Reply)

How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of dead baby in a glass of Seven-Up.






Attempted earlier but first correct recipe. And yes, I read all sixty pages. The ancient gypsy curse on all of the lazy spackers that did not: "May you be involved in a lawsuit in which you are right."
(Lister, Sat 14 Jan 2006, 14:27, Reply)

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza won't voluntarily walk into a shower.






Not funny. Not supposed to be. Never Again!
(Lister, Sat 14 Jan 2006, 14:21, Reply)

Do the Math
There used to be 3.2 million Cambodians.

Since the Khmer Rouge took over, there are 2.8 million Cambodians, plus thirty-five years of population growth.


Guess you had to be there.
(Lister, Sat 14 Jan 2006, 14:17, Reply)

Ouch!
I was playing basketball with a group of people of various ethnic backgrounds when a white teammate tried to dunk and really made an arse of it.
A black opponent pointed and shouted 'Ha! White men can't jump!'
My teammate immediately pointed and replied 'Ha! Black men can't climb corporate ladders!'

Short silence...nervous laughter...smack!
(DrTugnut, Sat 14 Jan 2006, 11:28, Reply)

Sweeties
An old man parks his car outside a school gate. A little boy walks past and the old man says; "Little boy, will you come in my car for a sweetie?"
The little boy replies; "No, but I`ll come in your mouth for a whole packet."
(gorgeousbob, Sat 14 Jan 2006, 10:50, Reply)

What has 6 legs and a big, black cunt?
The A-Team.

/ coat, hat, door, firing squad
( MBar And now back to your regularily scheduled lurking., Fri 13 Jan 2006, 15:41, Reply)

Iran nuclear weapons.
Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala

When George is yawning
On a Texas Sunday morning
How he longs to destroy
Ayatollah Ali Kha-men-ei
Every lonely city where uranium's at
Ain't as half as pretty when he's done with it

Is this the way to Arm-Khamenei?
Every night it's been buggin our Georgy.
Dreaming dreams of Al-Khamenei
Weapons inspectors work for him

Show me the way to Arm-Khamenei
A mushroom cloud is starting to billow
Rising over Al-Khamenei
And his nuclear energy

Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
And his nuclear energy

There's a death knoll ringing
Hear the song of doom that it's singing
For Al-Khamenei
And the guy who's coming to see him

Just beyond the highway,
there's a great big plane
And its going to keep going
through the wind and flame

Is this the way to Arm-Khamenei?
Every night it's been buggin' our Georgy.
Dreaming dreams of Al-Khamenei
Weapons inspectors work for him

Show me the way to Arm-Khamenei
A mushroom cloud is starting to billow
Rising over Al-Khamenei
And Iran's nuclear energy

Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
And Iran's nuclear energy

Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
And Iran's nuclear energy

Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
Shah al la lala lalala
And Iran's nuclear energy
(therandomthink, Fri 13 Jan 2006, 15:38, Reply)

A Banana
walks into a jewellery store. The manager says "Sorry we dont serve food in here"


/I felt sick with discrimination
(skase, Fri 13 Jan 2006, 9:13, Reply)

Jokes Then Is It?
Q: How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?
A: Doritos

Q: What did the blind deaf paraplegic get for christmas?
A: Cancer

Q: what's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: Superman, After the fire
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Fri 13 Jan 2006, 4:03, Reply)

Another father son one
A young boy approaches his old pa, who is sitting in the armchair, smoking his kippers and eating his pipe.
'Dad?'
'Yes my boy?'
'There's this girl at Nursery...'
'Ohoh?'
'And she let's me use her felt tips...'
'Go on,' says the Dad, trying not to get an erection from this.
'How do you make a girl love you Dad?'
'Oh son! Son, son, son!' Dad chuckles, 'When you get to be my age you'll know better, but you can't really make a girl love you!'

Pause.

'I meant physically.'
'Oh, then Rohyphynol.'
'Does that work?'
'You wouldn't be here if it didn't.'
'Cheers Dad.'
'Any time son.'
(thePontificator, Thu 12 Jan 2006, 20:42, Reply)

I first heard this in primary school
On his tenth birthday, a father asks his son what he most wants in the world. 'It can be anything,' he says, 'anything at all.'

'Oh boy!' says the son, 'In that case Dad, could I rent a whore?'
'Erm, well, no you can't son.'
'Why not?'
'Well it's illegal to have sex until you're 16 son.'
'Can I hire one then Dad?'
'Yes, of course you can.'
***
On his 16th birthday, as promised a whore comes to the house.
'Oh thank you Dad!' cries the boy, 'Is it okay if I open it now?'
'Yes of course son,' replies Dad, 'Thank fuck your mother's dead eh?'
So the son goes to the bedroom, where he suddenly realises he doesn't actually know what to do, so does the only thing he can, and asks his dad.
'Dad,' he shouts through, 'She's taking her clothes off, what do I do?'
Take your clothes off too son.'
About twenty seconds later the son shouts 'Dad, she's getting into my bed.'
'Get into your bed too son.'
'She's kissing me dad.'
'Kiss her too son.'
'Dad what's hap-'
'That's an erection son.'
'Right.'
After a pause a panicky voice shouts 'What do I do now Dad?'
'Put your big hairy thing into her big hairy thing son.'
A few minutes later the father hasn't heard anything else from the bedroom so assumes his son must be doing well, until he hears a muffled cry of 'Dad, my head's stuck.'
(thePontificator, Thu 12 Jan 2006, 20:34, Reply)