haven't seen it here as yet...
Q.what word beginning with "N" and ending with "R" do you not want to call a black person?
A. Neighbour!!
I don't know why people apologise on this QOTW; i love all the jokes!
(asme, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 20:45, Reply)

so very very long
A man pulls into a motorway service station in the middle of nowhere. He's ravenously hungry, so he goes into the Little Chef attached to the petrol station. Evidently, the rest of the world is also starved, as the place is packed to the rafters. Luckily, there's one table free.

Just as his food arrives, a leper walks in. The leper's clearly not been taking the best care of himself: he's a bit flaky, is missing an ear, and smells a little of drains. The restaurant hasn't thinned out any, so the waitress approaches our hero and asks if he'd mind awfully if the leper joined him at the table.

He doesn't want to be rude, and gestures that it's fine. But he's a little uncomfortable, and hunches over his meal. A few moments later, however, curiosity gets the better of him and he looks up.

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

The leper is a little taken aback, "Sir, I know the way I look, and if I'm offending you, I'll just leave."

"No, no, I'm sorry, it's not you. Sorry." And so he hunches further over his meal.

But his appetite has taken a knock, and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has to look again. And so he just glances up.

"For the love of all that's holy!"

"OK, seriously, I'll leave. Really, it's fine. I know what I am."

"No, no don't. It's not you, honestly. Stay. I apologise."

But now his appetite is crushed, and he's merely pushing beans around a plate in a futile effort not to appear too rude. And he has to look, dear Lord, he has to look.

"The baby Jesus sucking cock!"

"Right, that's it." The leper gets up to leave.

"No, no, it's not you. Really. It's the guy behind you dipping his tortilla chips in the back of your head!"
( Shedside, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 18:01, Reply)

I have to tell this. I hate myself...
What's green and has a thousand breasts?

The dumpster behind the Mayo Clinic.

Translation for non-North-Americans:
The garbage bin, trash can, etc. behind (insert famous cancer hospital).
(rosweed, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Whats the difference between a cow and a hamster?
A cow survives branding
( Strawberry Dragon, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 14:46, Reply)

WHO?
Love him or hate him.

But he did kill 6 million jews.
(klegnut, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 14:16, Reply)

I'm not racist, so retelling this makes me feel slightly dirty, but never mind....
Black guy goes on a skiing holiday, gets to his hotel and sees a sign outside:

"WHITE PEOPLE £50, BLACK PEOPLE £50"

So he thinks "ah, that's good, equality and all that", books in and goes to a restaurant for his dinner. He sees another sign outside the restaurant:

"WHITE PEOPLE £10, BLACK PEOPLE £10"

He's thinking how nice it is that everyone's equal here, has a great meal and goes back to his hotel to sleep.

The next day goes for a ski, and again he sees a sign:

"WHITE PEOPLE £20, BLACK PEOPLE £1"

Again he's happy that there's no racism here, there's even positive discrimination. He pays his £1 and is taken to a seperate ski slope. He's having a great time, he gets to a big jump and flies off it. In the distance, he hears one word:

"Pull!"


I'm sorry.
(The Worminator I have discovered that Quavers are nice, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 14:05, Reply)

What do you do if a cat spits at you?
Turn down the grill
( Strawberry Dragon, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 13:54, Reply)

Nice
What do you say to a black jew?

Get to the back of the oven.
(barpaolo, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 6:21, Reply)

Very sick
What cracks when you fuck it?
A two year old's pelvis.

What's the ultimate insult?
A three year old telling a child molester she's had better.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sat 4 Feb 2006, 5:14, Reply)

yey its open again !
and they'll all be repeated won't they ? oh well, a book, stonking idea, all out of filthy jokes for the moment but heres one I heard during the week that eased the drudgery of my factory existence for a few seconds . . .


Q. what do you call maoris on prozac ?

A. once were worriers.
(The Cats Twat, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 2:31, Reply)

What's funnier than a clown?
A clown with Down's syndrome.
(Valstorm, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 1:50, Reply)

What's the worst part about having sex with a dog?
I can't think of anything bad about fucking a dog either.

ok, one more.
Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

lastly, (stop me if you've heard this one) what do you do when you find a dead baby on the beach?

Try to hide your erection.
(Owl, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 0:44, Reply)

Why not...
What goes in and out and smells of piss? The Queen mum doing the okey kokey!!
(farlice, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 23:34, Reply)

I hope this makes it to the book...!
Three pregnant women sitting knitting jumpers. One says to the others, "I hope I have a boy, because I got this blue wool cheap". Another says, "I hope I have a girl, because I got this pink wool cheap". The last lady says... "I hope I have a disabled kid, as I've really fucked the arms up on this jumper..."
(farlice, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 23:32, Reply)

World's Sickest Joke
Two Dyslexics sitting in a room.
Dyslexic 1: Can you smell gas?
Dyslexic 2: I can't even smell my own name!
(PunkBubble Lady, I couldn't take another 67 of those..., Fri 3 Feb 2006, 23:25, Reply)

What's black and blue, and doesn't like sex?





....Sarah Payne
( newg rum n coke, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 23:24, Reply)

What does *insert hated person here* use as contraception?


His personality!
/badum tish!
(G.Eusebio ...Fentruk from the long past..., Fri 3 Feb 2006, 23:20, Reply)

worlds sickest joke
Q. How can you tell if your sister is having a period?

A. Your dads cock tastes funny

that great on so many levels
(freddred, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 23:13, Reply)

Two flies on a pile of shit
Fly #1 *starts to pick his nose, burp and fart*

Fly #2 Do you mind I'm eating here!
( maiden is filmed before a live studio audience, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 21:54, Reply)

Did you hear about Gary Glitter's holiday ?
He went to Tampa with the children.
(creeper Hiding under your bed with a teaspoon, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 21:19, Reply)

How do you stop a 100mph baby?
Cricket bat
( ed.ge is drunk again in the rhododendrons, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 21:16, Reply)

mmmm........
Whats the difference between a priest and acne ?
Acne doesnt come over a boys face till he is 13.
(creeper Hiding under your bed with a teaspoon, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 21:16, Reply)

Why do black people have so much melanin in their skin?
Genetics.
(Stepping Hen the Delirious, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:37, Reply)

Why do black people have such dark skin?
Melanin.
(Stepping Hen the Delirious, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:37, Reply)

What's better than your cancerous friend's funeral?
The cancer jokes immediately following.
(Stepping Hen the Delirious, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:32, Reply)

What's the difference between an American rape victim and a South African rape victim?
AIDS.
(Stepping Hen the Delirious, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:30, Reply)

Here's a pair that prolly aren't funny to anyone but me.
What does "MMMGPH!!!" mean through a ball gag?
"Yes."

What does "GLNNGH!!" mean through a ball gag?
"Yes."
(Stepping Hen the Delirious, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:28, Reply)

What's better than terminal cancer?
Finding another tumour during the open casket.
(Stepping Hen the Delirious, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:21, Reply)

What do you call 100 babies in a gas chamber?
a good start.
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 19:23, Reply)