Grr
I'm getting wound up already and I haven't even written it yet...

My dad's wife.

When me and my brothers were little we had pretty much an idyllic childhood. My parents worked hard in their own business to give us the best childhood they could. We weren't rich but we did fun stuff and were, we thought, a nice little secure family unit.

My dad was cool. He always had time for us, took us to interesting places every weekend, introduced me to Pink Floyd on his reel to reel, and when I accidentally threw a bag of rotten apples that exploded in his face, which I expected to be shouted at for, he looked at me sternly... then burst out laughing. He let me make fires. He taught me about self awareness, meditation, martial arts, and Eastern philosophy, mind over matter, and neat tricks like how to overcome fear, fall flat on the floor, or pull hot clinkers from the fire with bare hands. He had a little room at the back of the garage where he kept his stuff from uni... we weren't allowed in there but obviously we investigated. We found chemicals that burnt through the floor, and a human skull in a cupboard. And he told me how to make nitro-glycerin. That's how cool he was.

This woman, L, befriended my mum. She was married with two kids. She became my mum's best friend and worked her way into our happy little family.

Then she seduced my dad. She got pregnant. OK, I know she's not solely to blame for this, my dad is equally guilty so far.

This broke up two families. Not only that, but she moved into our childhood home with her daughters, and my mum and us kids had to leave.

It became apparent over the next few years that she was (and still is) a manipulative, devious, bullying, violent, attention seeking control freak.

To get her own way she would throw hysterical melodramas, sometimes culminating in violence upon my dad. As little children we were confused and blamed ourselves... "You all hate me!" she would scream. And my dad would sit us down and explain to us that we had to be especially nice to her and show her that we loved her, because she was "insecure" and had had a bad childhood. We tried to be as nice as we could, and we were scared of getting it wrong. Of course it didn't make any difference what we did.

They had another child, moved to Wales (far away from his business, parents and friends), and as well as her daughters and their boyfriends, she moved in her mother, sister, and... her ex husband, the one she left for my dad! She made him get rid of anything from his previous life. All his books, his albums, his uni stuff. And his entire family, including his elderly parents... She manipulated him into missing his father's funeral, pleading that she was scared of his mother (and of course he couldn't go on his own). My grandma was the tiniest, sweetest, gentlest woman who ever lived.

She completely disempowered him, not letting him do anything (except work to support the lifestyle she insisted upon for her and her extended family). He couldn't even sign our birthday cards. And we felt that if we dared to want some personal attention from our dad we would be in the wrong.

By this time we had stopped going to stay. We'd realised that all our dad's promises that things would get better were groundless, and we'd lost hope. We knew we'd lost him.

When I was 18 I phoned them. Just for a chat, I hadn't spoken to them in a while. My dad answered the phone and almost straight away he said "do you want to talk to L?". Not really, but I played the game, knowing how difficult she would make things for him if I didn't.

So she came on the line and I said "hello! how are you?" all friendly like.

""What? Why don't you want to talk to me?" she whimpered. And began to wail and scream, throwing the phone down and running from the room. My dad came on the phone, and I told him I had done nothing wrong. The next hour was one of the most painful I have ever endured. He eventually admitted that he knew I was blameless and that she had put on the show to cause a rift between us. But he couldn't stand up to her. I gave him an ultimatum. He chose her.

When his mother fell and broke her hip me and my mum went to visit her in hospital. She was not in a good way. Barely conscious and very frail. We'd had more contact with her than my dad had for a long time, and she referred to us as her family. And she despaired of my dad's situation, it broke her heart. We'd travelled 150 miles to see her. My dad arrived and asked us to leave the hospital so L could visit. We were so furious we were speechless. "She's scared of you and she thinks you all hate her" he said pitifully... We left, knowing that if we didn't there would be a scene of epic proportions.

He has become a zombie. The last time I saw him, at his mother's funeral, he looked like a rabbit caught in headlights... stooped into a permanant fight or flight posture. There was nothing behind his eyes. There's nothing left of the dad I used to know. Just fear.

She's managed to achieve everything she set out for. My dad all to herself, a nice house in the country far removed from the real world, my dad's inheritence, and ultimate power over all of it. All it would take, as with any spoilt brat, is for someone to stand up to her. But they are all too scared.

You may remember if you read my post on the last QOTW that I became trapped in my own nightmare with a control freak. Without going into the psychology of all that, I do find it ironic that everything my dad taught me about overcoming fear was ultimately wasted on him... but proved invaluable to me when I found the balls to liberate myself.

Apologies for length, lack of hummus, and lack of satisfying comeuppance.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 15:14, 20 replies)

Bloody hell
that sounds horrible.

I can't see myself letting anyone have that much control over me, but then I guess everyone thinks that.
( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 15:18, closed)

.
*hugs*

You have my sympathies, my step-mother-in-law is an evil witch too, she didn't bother to tell us when she interred my oh's dad's ashes, she just sent us a card informing us that she'd done it.

I don't know how you keep your mouth shut with her, I don't think I'd have been able too.
(Madam Cholet, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 15:27, closed)

*hugs*
That's horrible. You have my sympathies too.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 15:44, closed)

thats
rubbish, I suggest you pay dad and her a visit, and kick the shit out of everything and everyone to see if dad snaps out of it.

You have nothing to lose.
(Halfy By light alone, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 15:28, closed)

Do it....
What have you got to lose, perhaps it will bring your dad to his senses?
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 12:55, closed)

Believe me Halfy
That's been considered.

As for how we keep our mouths shut... I guess because the situation began when we were little we got used to blaming ourselves. By the time we realised it was her who was at fault, not us, the damage was done. We just felt powerless and had become resigned to it. Standing up to her would merely result in more and more extreme ways to get her own way. We were scared of what she would do to my dad.

We've had no contact with them for years now. It's up to him if he wants to change his situation. I have told him in the past that if he chooses to he will have my support. But until then I will have no part of it.

And I am thankful that me and my brothers and my mum and my step dad are fucking awesome!
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 15:41, closed)

I agree with Gunther, a good shoeing is needed
However, as violence isn't a good option, my advice for what it's worth, is:

Don't wait for your dad to come round, it won't happen. Consider how many women live with wife-beaters, but when asked why don't they leave/prosecute, they say "oh, but I love him, I couldn't do that. He's very sorry afterwards etc."

You could wait until he becomes a pensioner, and then call in social services.

Or alternatively we can round up a posse and go rescue him, I'm sure plenty on here would sign up.

Don't turn your back on him because he isn't strong enough to deal with it. Think about if the roles were reversed, would he try to help you or give up on you?

A friend of mine lived with an insufferable bitch and was constantly abusive for 10 years. Myself and his brother repeatedly asked why he puts up with it, but he just used to ride it out, anything for an easy life.

Sorry if I sound a bit forward, but your tale has wound me up somewhat. Feel free to tell me to fuck right off, but to me, the only solution is to fight fire with fire.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 16:59, closed)

We've considered
many many options including your suggestions. I'd like to see her sectioned.

And I hear what you're saying.

But there are other people to consider too... they have two children between them. I don't want to be responsible for charging in and changing their lives too, not knowing if they would want it. I don't know if my dad would want it either.

And having been in the same situation myself, I know that regardless of how powerless I felt at times, and how much I wished for a saviour, nobody else could have changed it except me. And I'm glad nobody did, or I wouldn't now have the faith in myself and the strength that I got from it.

I'm not waiting for him to come round... I know he's too weak to change things, but it's still his decision, not mine. I can't take responsibility for his life.

I'm sorry to hear of your friend's situation... I hope he's found the courage to deal with it.

And no worries for your forwardness. I know how you feel.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 17:29, closed)

Rubbish.
What a rubbish woman.

I just hope there's some comeuppance awaiting her. What she really needs is a good old fashion shoeing.
( Moey, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 15:55, closed)

That's really sad
I feel quite moved reading that.
(Jeremy Paxmans Itchy Gusset, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 16:30, closed)

:(
Hugs and such. That realy sucks. I hate peole like that. Sounds like she needs a short walk off a tall cliff
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 16:30, closed)

*Hugs*
That's just awful, your poor Dad. I know it may be partly his fault if he won't stand up to her, but still.
Put my name down to help with the shoeing! I even offer my car as transport.
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 21:03, closed)

Mate...
*Hugs*

Awful awful excuse for a human being. Pisses me off greatly. With any luck, karma will catch up with her, it always does in the end.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do. You deserve it.
(RizzJizz doesn't do life., Sat 11 Oct 2008, 23:29, closed)

Tales like this make me beyond furious
At the injustice of it all - what a waste of a decent man, just so some awful harpy can feather her nest.

I sincerely hope there's a way back for him. My sympathies.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 23:46, closed)

Why
do you think your da changed so much? He sounds like a magnificent guy-I understand the getting seduced and knocking her up part, but not the caving in to a psycho part. What happened to his mental outlook?
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 12 Oct 2008, 4:28, closed)

I too offer my services for the shoeing.
My dad did a similar thing. He became involved with a woman after he and my mum broke up, who when they eventually married, likewise demanded he give up everything from his past. Which included me. At the age of 13, my father chose her and recused himself from my life without a word.

I don't know if he was thoroughly whipped like yours was, because I never saw him again. I just don't know how a woman can knowingly do that to a child. Who was there first.

So I'm all for bringing comeuppance to such people!
( HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Sun 12 Oct 2008, 6:02, closed)

i've got big feet for a woman
i'd be more than happy to plant one squarely into the evil bitch's batter pocket for you.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 2:37, closed)

It's time...
...to act.

Domestic abuse is a terrible thing that cannot be allowed to continue.

If this were the other way around, speaking gender-wise, the course of action would be clear as much provision is made for abused women.

It's time for you to stand up and be counted.
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Wed 15 Oct 2008, 15:11, closed)

As far as I know
The violence is the exception rather than the rule, and she has only resorted to it when all other attempts to get her own way have failed.
From what I have seen and what others have said, my dad and the rest of the family have become used to doing whatever it takes for a quiet life... and so although she still rules the roost I don't think she is actively "abusive" any more. (I could be wrong, I don't know).

One of her control techniques is (as I said before) to do absolutely everything in the home, which although it has disempowered my dad, means he is waited on hand and foot as long as he toes the line... She can come across as the nicest, sweetest, most caring person when it suits her... Very similar to the control freak I was with... But the cynic in me wonders whether this is one of the reasons for his not standing up to her. Maybe when his life is quiet it's a pretty good life... I don't know...
I do think he has suffered from guilt which along with her beating down of his self esteem has resulted in a man who believes he has to simply put up and shut up.

I can't swoop in there and "rescue" him, as I said there are others involved, and I don't know if they or my dad would want it. But I have told him if he wants to change his situation I will help him as much as he needs.

However... there have been unexpected developments in the last week (which I don't want to go into here in case of repercussions). It could be make or break or it could be nothing. We shall see...
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 13:38, closed)