sheep don't make good bedfellows
I walked the Pennine Way some time in the late winter 87 and stayed at a bothy (simple wooden hut) in the Grampian Mountains. Woke up about 2 o clock absolutely freezing. Realised I was about an hour away from hypothermia so had the brilliant idea of herding a few sheep into the bothy with me to provide a bit of ovine heat. Chasing sheep in the dark was great fun and much more difficult than it sounds. Once I had 3 of the little beggars trapped (they all looked very worried) I settled back down to a very unrestful night's sleep (ba-Baaaa- BAAAA etc). .....and woke in the morning with the bothy filled with 2 inches of sheep pee.
BAh!
(bugboybeast, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 16:55, Reply)

In a hospital bed
Unpleasant one this….

After a rather big op….already recounted here….I was high on morphine pain killers in a room on my own and odd little grey folk kept coming in to check on me….

Then the giant killer flowers turned up and strangely enough they were being carried by various members of my family, including Mr Chickenlady….

sadly every time anyone spoke to me I was unable to remain conscious for longer than 30 seconds…..

so unable to complete sentences, words were lost on me….

And the strangest thing of the lot was all the bloody crying – not me but hundreds and hundreds of babies….

well, there lots of them and two of them were mine…but for the first 24 hours I couldn’t work out why or how, it did cross my addled brain at the time that I had perhaps been abducted by aliens….
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 16:09, Reply)

Couple of times actually
On my ex-gf's arm or laps or something. This wouldn't really be worth mentioning had this not happened during conversations. She took it lightly though
(firestormviper!!1 approaching god through cigarettes, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 15:58, Reply)

I fell asleep on the train once.
Going from Newcastle to London.

Thing is, I woke up in Edinburgh 9 hours later.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Mid-Pat Cash
A friend of mine was at a house party a while back and, as he was wont to do, got fucking reeking.
Anyway, later on his friends at the party had not seen him for a couple of hours, and quickly assembled a search party. Of course, the was completely unneccessary, as he was in the first fucking place they looked, namely the toilet.

The sight that greeted them was a true spectacle. My friend was unconscious, with his head in the bath, his legs up in the air, his pants round his ankles, and, rather crucially, his hands lightly gripping his dribbling cock.

It seems that my friend had fallen asleep whilst having a pish, and had fallen Del-Boy-through-the-bar style into the bath. Without waking up. Even after two hours upside down. Holding his knob.


Length? Apparently there are photos of him somewhere, so I'll get back to you.
(Last Night a DJ Shaved My Wife, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 15:16, Reply)

Oh go on then, some work-related ones
I once fell asleep in London. This wouldn't be particularly unusual normally, but this one time was special. I was working 12-14 hour days in London, but living in Oxford at the time. I'd spent all week showing up at site at 7am, which was an achievement seeing as I took the 4:45 or so train from Oxford. I then rebuilt their entire computer system from 7 till 9, helped the users from 9 till 5:30, then carried on rebuilding the system from 5:30 until I couldn't say my own name, then I went home. Clearly, even with brutal amounts of coffee, I couldn't keep this one up forever. One fine day, the customer guy is droning on about his favourite method of indexing databases, or some dull as moo stuff like that. Some minutes later I awoke to a panoramic view of the ceiling. Apparently my eyes had rolled back in my head, and I'd fallen asleep in mid-nod. The best of it is that the person droning didn't notice I'd gone, and someone else stepped over my body. The second person past happened to be the first-aider, and she tried to sort me out. The result - the customer complained to my company! In the end, I got let off the 7am-9am shift. Woo.

Again, I'm told that sleeping in cars isn't unusual. People do it all the time - the low rumble, the warmth, the comfy seats... perfect for a quick forty winks. I usually get to see my passengers nod off, as I drive. This year, for instance, I drove Mrs. God and Small God down to Mother of God's for Christmas. Both of them sparked out somewhere around halfway there, so I drove to the sound of gentle snores and low mutterings of 'Damn, my iPod's in the boot...'. So, sleeping in cars, always good. Except when, as I do, you wake up to find the steering wheel in your hands. And someone on the phone going 'Hello! Hello!' I've been told by the police that this is A Bad Thing To Happen. So you'd think I wouldn't do it again... twice I've done it so far!

Finally, and cliche'd I know, but I have fallen asleep in several computer rooms. Normally the cold wakes me up, but a couple of times I've come around because someone's tapping me on the shoulder. Some of my customers are nice enough to bring coffee!

Insert your own length/girth joke here: ( * ) [but please lube it up first, after expelling the above, I'm a little sore]
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 15:00, Reply)

camping in eype, dorset.
Very hilly, short climbs rather than wanders o'er clifftops.

We all put tents up, and wandered off for a beer. night one. awesome fun.

Night two was something else. i am staggered i slept through it and pleased my wife got me awake for 5 mins in the middle.
Got very pissed on good ale, staggered back and smoked til we were near comatose. good times. then we noticed the wind had got up, and that hard rain was hitting the clifftops with our tents taking the brunt of it. Our domw tents were depressed to the point that the carbon poles snapped, and whilst comatose we were getting hit on the head inside a 4ft tall dome by the top of the tent.

i was un worrried. the wife had to beat me awake as i had wrapped the loose edge of the tent under mer and kept muttering "its fine, its fine" as the rain and wind beat down.

i did manage to fix it down temporarily and proceeded to check the damage in the morning.

nothing outside was still there, all the tents had at least one pole snapped, and most of the guy rope flaps ripped of the tent with the pegs still in the ground.

i recommend the campsite, very nice. just be warned.

had i been on my own, i know i would have just let the whole lot blow away around me as i slept blissfully unaware of my impending doom.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 4 Jan 2007, 14:58, Reply)

On a bench
at Hassocks station after falling asleep on the train and missing my stop by about 30 miles. It was half an hour till the next train back so I did the sensible thing and set the alarm for when my train was due then settled down for a kip. You can guess what happened ... I slept through the alarm, missed the (last) train and had to get a cab home anyway. What a waste of fifty quid....
(Mad McMad, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 14:42, Reply)

Bouncy bouncy!
On a park bench in Bordeaux. You get an altogether classier type of wino there you know.

Unfortunately I can't top the antics of a bloke at a party hosted by my brother and sister. He fell asleep against the side of the bouncy castle pint still clutched in hand. Not particularly unusual except that the aforementioned bouncy castle was then deflated as a response to excessive quantities of bouncy shennanigans going on (obviously they wanted to avoid losing their deposit as a result of unsavoury staining). When it was subsequently re-inflated it ended up over the top of the sleeping bloke leaving only his legs sticking out and looking very much like the wicked witch of the east. On being pulled out (complete with pint) he uttered the beautifully understated "Thanks mate, I was suffocating under there."
(flimflam_machine, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 14:09, Reply)

I once fell asleep..
in an emu/ostrich farm god knows what they were but they were pecking the shit out of the back of my head
(Blundetto, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:56, Reply)

I remember having been up for 3 days
on the weekend the clocks went back in 1998. Having had a wonderful time (before becoming convinced my pupils had become oval and mismatched [and calling most of my friends to confirm this was unusual]) I decided to go to bed. I failed to sleep, and after a further day was a twitching wreck.

I was press-ganged into seeing a doctor who diagnosed me with amphetamine psychosis, told me it would be strictly temporary and prescribed me some sleepers (I forget the brand but they were pink and so very lovely).

Being new to sleepers I decided to drop a couple as I went to the pub to try and bring myself down. I hadn't expected them to be so efficient and fell asleep face first upon the bar (in the Nursery Tavern, Sheffield).

I woke completely free of marker pen and with all my hair. My mates aren't wankers, you see. However I did wake up in my female friends clothes, presumably to teach me a non-permanent lesson about the dangers of staying awake too long. Although I did quite like the feel of her underwear...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:49, Reply)

Back in the Seventies.......
Aged seventeen or so went to a workmate's party in North London and ended up staying over in a house full entirely of men. I phoned my dad and explained that it was fine because they were all gay. It was the honest truth! I spent an innocent and undisturbed night. Not sure what my parents thought mind.

A year or two later at university I regularly held parties in my bedsit and sometimes went to bed with the party going on full swing around me. In the morning there would be bodies everywhere, wrapped in any available covers including one friend, Aardvark who wrapped himself up in the carpet.
Ah heady days!
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:49, Reply)

My brothers housemate
came back from a hard nights drinkin and went straight to bed. Later in the night he woke up needing a piss, so opened his first floor window and promptly fell out onto the roadside below. Naked. And fell asleep. He woke up several hours later, pulling dried leaves over his body trying to keep himself warm. He couldnt wake up anyone in the house, so broke into his mini, as traffic was starting to pass. All he could find was an oily t-shirt to keep him warm. Postman woke him up at 8 o'clock. Good work.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Sleep related strangeness
Hmm... This could run and run. One of b3ta's better QOTWs methinks.

1) Once spent the night on a beach at Walton on the Naze after a drunken beach party in summer 1995. We assumed the place was deserted but I was shocked to be rudely sniffed awake by the cold, wet nose of a passing labrador, no doubt looking for an object to mark his territory against.

2) The annual beer festival at Chapel in Essex has resulted in me drunkenly trying to put up a dome tent (akin to assembling a Saturn V rocket with a tube of superglue and a can of "no nails"), which ended up woefully on this piss - much like it's owner. Meanwhile I wake up the next morning in my car/comatose in a field/etc having slept where I eventually fell.

3) Cats. I like them, they like me. However, they take huge liberties with sleeping people, mistakenly believing that you'll willingly shift over and donate the whole bed for them to sleep on while you balance on the edge of the mattress. I had woken to find my cat alternating between pawing and drooling on my face (he was hungry), under the duvet and lying sprawled out with his back to me (he was cold) or most irritatingly, sat on my chest and purring far too loudly for my hangover to bear (he was bored and wanted company).

I have also woken up at parties to find random cats sat on me.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:40, Reply)

Back in the Eighties......
Five of us on a snooker table at the Poynton Folk Festival (ah heady days!). There were also other drunks (sorry, sleepers) on the other table and many others underneath. We were all supposed to be camping but it was snowing outside. God bless the british Easter.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:19, Reply)

On my pushbike.
I was riding home on my pushbike in the pissing rain at night after much weed smoking at my brothers house. I remember being slumped over the handle-bars with one eye open probably doing about 3mph, then I woke up under a parked car.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:15, Reply)

not where i slept, but what happens if you sleep in the pub:
The railway in New Malden; We were befriending random 18 year olds as a result we got to draw on the sleeping one:


Then my mate falling asleep on astro turf in a fireplace and thinking that it was outside:

and


highly original, and possibly entertaining
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:12, Reply)

next to my girlfriend...
after i found out the manky slut cheated on me.

should be out of the flat within the month tho...

*sobs*
(wordizbarn, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:04, Reply)

Daft Friday
Any Glaswegians here might know of Glasgow Uni's Christmas ball (12 bars open for 12 hours, all in the same building). During my second DF, the bar staff told me of their plan for the first person who fell asleep in Deep 6.

Later on in the evening, around 2am if my memory serves, some guy fell asleep propped up on a bar stool in the corner. The bar staff had emptied 8 cans of silly string over him, so he resembled a bizzare sculpture.

As the evening wore on, people put coats over him, leaned on him, and he still didn't wake up.

I've no idea what happened to him at the 8am chucking out time as I was on my way to the champagne breakfast in a hotel :o)
(Drinking solidly for 72 hours. Ah I miss being a student...)

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 12:41, Reply)

Alcohol, Mother Natures anaesthetic
Just remembered another party I was at, where the drink had been flowing for hours, and everyone was warned not to be the first one to fall asleep.

Well, poor Prawnstar (for that was his name) did, snoring softly on a pile of coats.

We started off with all the usual stuff, mascara, lipstick, eyeshadow etc, until someone had the brainwave of shaving off his eyebrow.

With a naked razor blade.

I think we took more skin than hair, and there was copious amounts of blood spoiling our previous make-over. He slept thru it all tho.

4 years on he still has a scar where his eyebrow should be :o)

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 12:18, Reply)

Gibraltar...
Alone and bored, I took a stroll up towards Gibraltar's summit.... and sat whistfully looking out over the sea as the sun went down. It would have been the perfect time to smoke a pipe.

The sun had been warming the cliff all day, and as the it dropped, a gentle breeze picked up caused by the cliff warming the air and sending it upwards. Smiling like a child, I slipped into sleep, surrounded by the sound of twittering swallows drifting on the updraught and catching insects.

I woke a couple of hours later to discover that I was surrounded by some Gibraltar's finest residents... Barbary Makaks.

12 monkeys and I, Sat on a rocky cliff looking out to sea, and looking at each other. After a few minutes of appreciative silence, One of them then got up, turned around and walked off through the bushes... the others followed suit, and I was alone again.

Truly sublime, and one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

I walked back down the twisting road, hands in pockets and smiling all the way.

*********************************************

Edit.. I went to see them the next day... There was a bloke up there who got a little one to come and play... awesome. Kinda makes you want to have kids. www.pichotel.com/pic/5760vcBwB/107777.jpg
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 4 Jan 2007, 12:17, Reply)

Well its a strange one...
I was at a club with some friends from North London (I'm from South London) in Tottenham Court Road. Got the bus after the club had closed and went the wrong way so I ended up in Bethnal Green. Jumped on the next (RIGHT) bus got to Trafalger Square just in time to see my last night bus leave. Decided I'd wait in Trafalger Square until the tubes started running and feel asleep. That wasn't the odd part. The odd part wasn't even being woken by a monkey (yes a trained monkey organ grinder type monkey) at 9pm at night on my anniversary with my trousers round my ankles. Nor was it the tourists that were laughing and cheering and taking photos. No the really strange part was the fact that despite having been near enough comatose, and despite the fact that i'd had my hand in water all night and day (and hadn't pissed myself) and had my trousers round my ankles...the strange part was the fact I still had all my belongings. Pickpockets in London are so lax these days!
(The_Great_Stevano, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 12:03, Reply)

On a table....
Flat out, utterly at peace and unable to be stirred...in the middle of some god awful wedding of some distant relative of an ex. I awoke, to find people cleaning up bottles and glasses round me, and my ex's family laughing and taking pictures. I was then carried back to the car, and woke up the following day in the hallway/porch of their house. I protested and demanded to be left there in my drunken stooper, and not exactly being a small lad, they had dutifully left me there. Apparently I got bored someway through the afternoon and drank the bar dry of Jack Daniels...cost? Coooo, bout £60. Best sleep ever though.

Ohh first post!
Length? God you'd LOVE it!
(Damn_you_Cillit_Bang, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 12:00, Reply)

Not so much were I slept, more 'what happened when I was asleep'
Happy new year B3ta’ers!

Now, my story is a simple one, I got drunk at a house party and fell asleep in a chair, this was no bad thing as I had to get up to go to work the following day.

I woke up the following morning to find my ‘friends’ had drawn all over my face with a thick-tipped black marker pen. Usual malarkey, the word ‘twat’ over my forehead, fake ‘clown-tears’ on my cheek, a really rather badly drawn goatee beard on my chin, that sort of thing…

Anyway, I managed to get all of this off with some intense scrubbing, and despite my face being scrubbed to within a millimetre of bleeding; I got all of the offending marks off.

So, the journey into work on the bus, nothing much happened although I did get some strange backwards glances off a few passengers, but I thought nothing of it, why would I?

It was about lunchtime when I was approaching by my then manager, the sort of manager who tried way way too hard to be ‘right on!’ – but even he expressed some concern at my tattoo.

In fact, he said he was surprised he’d not seen it before.

I wasn’t sure what on earth he was talking about, so I enquired…

His response was something like this, ‘hey man, you know, it’s good we have different views and things, but I’m not sure how comfortable people are going to be working with a man who has a swastika tattooed on the back of their neck.’

Turns out I didn’t get all of the pen marks off, neither did I fully appreciate until that point, just how, if washed in part, black marker-pen ink can take on that faded ‘green’ of the classic prison tattoo, right in the middle of the back of my neck.

Oh, how we laughed…

L&G apols.

Mullered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 11:57, Reply)

1 way ticket to Hull please....
Possibly also counts as the most embarassing thing i have EVER done

15 years ago, i was about 17, Christmas Eve was ALWAYS the best night out for going on the piss with your mates, in the locals. fuck New years. Anyways, 8 or 9 pints of wife beater and i was hammered - no questions. Walking home, with a mate around midnight, notice lots of people going into the local methodist church "ahhhhh - midnight mass" my brain tells me. "lets go in and have fun" says the booze.

Stood at the back, giggling, nudging each other, thinking we were being quiet, singing the wrong words, pretending to 'polish' an old mans bald head in front of us by making a squeaking noise and polishing motion. All the time we were getting evil looks. God, looking back now, i wish i could remove the memory of that night - it fils me with shame.

It's very warm, we sit down, calming singing, all very pleasant, i'll shut my eyes for 2 mins, you know, jus...............................................


Next thing i know, the vicar is prodding me awake "your friend ran away with a 2 kneeling cusions" he says, then i remember where i am. it's 1:30am and i've been a little sick down my shirt and into my pocket. i manage to stand and run off into the night crying...

I'll probably get my come-up-ance - and throughly deserve it.
(TheManofScience, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 11:55, Reply)

Martin Fowler's fruit 'n' veg stall....
....well not exactly Mr Fowler's own stall but t'was a market stall all the same. Me and pal had been drinking lethal cocktails in Covent Garden from 4pm until sill o'clock. Being drunk we couldn't actually fathom out what the little handies on our watches were telling us so wandered out of the bar we were in to discover there were no more trains and we were stuck. Being drunk we didn't have the sense to pool our pennies and get a cab. No, we decided to kip on one of the deserted market barrow things until the trains came back to life. We also bribed a random man with cigarettes to act as our bodyguard, which he happily did, even ensuring we got on the correct train once the tubes were up and running again a few hours later. Ah, those were the days
(angelica666, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 11:49, Reply)

GCSE
A flashback....

I was lucky (!) enough to do the higher paper at GCSE Biology, now as a rule, I can't tell my arse from my elbow, but meh.

It was 3 hours long, I looked at the 2 of 3 questions you had to do. No ideas about either. At all. And it was a nice sunny warm room.

Now, I could have left inside of 15 minutes, but no, I settle down for one of the best kips of all of my exams :-)

Came away with a "C" anyway, heh heh.

Length? Here, I'll show you **zzzzip**
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 11:23, Reply)

I awoke with a face covered with makeup
on mate's couch, and on the table nearby there was a camera. Putting 2 and 2 together, I realised I had provided them with some fun that previous evening during my comatose drunken state.

Sitting outside in the sun later, doing the post mortem on the night before with my mate, he told me about how I'd been tea-bagged, and he couldn't wait to get the film developed. At that point I pulled the film out of my pocket and held it up to the sunlight for him to see...

Turns out that same roll of film also had nudie shots of some fit bird he'd pulled a days prior, all of which now are lost forever!
(Dubiously Fragrant Mormon, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 11:19, Reply)

The one and only time I ever slept in halls during Uni….
I had just started seeing a lad from the North East but we could only catch up with each other at the weekends, so my friends decided I needed a night out to enjoy myself…..

One particular friend, Kathy, was rather partial to young soldiers (this was a garrison town….with a regiment from the North East coincidentally). So we go out around town only going to pubs full of squaddies (um, all of them). Kathy finds her current shag-group (yes, she had a whole gang of them that she changed as often as her knickers) and I soon find myself chatting to a very nice chap by the name of Ned…..

Five or so glasses of wine later we make our way back towards Uni – I am by now staggering just slightly and keep offering to show my stocking-tops (why I drink I’ll never know…it always ends up like this….). Kathy decides that now would be a good time to attempt to push me through Dixons’ shop window as her partner for the evening is very keen to see said stocking-tops, as is Ned…..Argument sorted out – I had to kiss and make up with her as she was the one with a spare room….

We get back to Kathy’s room and fortunately her (awful) roommate has gone home for a few days so I can stay in her room….Ned joins me and most of the night is great fun – I do remember pretty much all of it, but the gymnastics did make me feel a little queasy…fortunately the room had a sink….

A little sleeping was done, not much, but a little…..

Anyway, a day or so later the roommate returns and falls out big time with Kathy – no one had thought to empty the bin in her room and she guessed someone had used her bed….But that was the least of my troubles……Met up with Ned, he and I were still getting on like a house on fire until Kathy mentioned the lad I was seeing already…..

Firstly it turned out they came from the same town and had mutual friends, not good – so I couldn’t see him again….and secondly I found out that ‘apparently’ Ned was far, far more innocent than he appeared to be…..either that or I am amazingly good at leading young men astray…….
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 11:03, Reply)