British History Re-written by yanks
One time back in school a few years ago we were on a geography field trip to Kendal and me and my friend were sat on a wall eating our lunch when some yanks walked by, dressed like they'd just come out of harrods wearing huge cameras et al.. and the lead yank was showing off to the people he was with about his knowledge of "british history", apparently the city of York is named after the Crusades... here was me thinking it was named by the Romans 1900 years ago. Thank you Mr Yank for correcting me!
(welsh_dude, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Blah
Americans + An Fcuk shop = you can work out the rest
(homochicken, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 12:23, Reply)

Hawaii is not America
I asked a young Japanese lady if she had visited the States.

"No" she replied. "But I have been to Hawaii"
(Hunyaga, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 11:29, Reply)

a geographically challenged south african mate back...

...in london from his continental vacation: "I was in three countries in 2 weeks. I was in spain, in france and in paris!"

bless him, he couldn't find london (where he had been living for 2 years by then) on a uk map.
( bierbelly, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 11:06, Reply)

In reply to Mad Rabbit
I feel it is only fair to point out that not all people who do stupid things with alligators are Mercans.

I once attended a lecture by the prominent aquarist Dr. David Ford (he is English), who described a coach trip to the Everglades. The tourists alighted, walked along a small road to the edge of a pool and began taking pictures of a large alligator which had just hauled itself out of the water. He wanted to get a closer picture of it and started throwing food to it (sandwiches I think?!) until he was able to get a good close-up shot. He turned around expecting to see everybody else getting pictures too. There was nobody there. When he finally got back to the coach, he asked the driver why everybody had left him there.

The driver replied something along these lines...

"Mister, how fast can you run? A 'gator can do 25 miles an hour on land?!"
( finnbar has officially retired, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 10:30, Reply)

german.
i met this german guy who said " we have great plans for your company, we are going to invest heavily and everything will be fine".

what he meant to say was " we have bought your company so we can shut it down, make everyone redundant and eliminate the competition".

idiot.
(robotrobotROBOT, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 10:26, Reply)

Another Seppo Incident
This took place in July, a few years ago. I am in Sydney, Australia, Southern Hemisphere.

Mercan Colleague in Ohio: So, is it hot there in Ostrellya?

Strangey: No, it's winter at the moment.

Mercan: Jeesh. So what month is it then, if its winter?

Strangey: Pfft
( Strangey is present at, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 10:23, Reply)

In America and I was the tourist
I was in a backwater bar one afternoon in New Hampshire with a Dutch friend Yeori.

A nasty middle aged woman heard us speaking and asked, "Hey, are you guys Irish?"
To which I replied, "I'm English and he's Dutch."
Later we heard her say to someone, "Did you see those two Irish guys? He's English and he's Dutch."

Think about it. A hint if you're slow - What was Arnie's character called in Predator?

Apols for being off topic.
(jokaah, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 9:53, Reply)

An ex-girlfriend..
..has some excellent video footage of her family visiting the Grand Canyon....an American couple and their young son are seen taking in the magnificent view from one of the rest stops on the way, and the boy is heard to remark " so Dad, when was this built?",
Not strictly tourists, but Stupid Americans anyway.
(mcnelson, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 9:03, Reply)

Street in Prague
Loud American: Excuse me, do you have THE TIIIME?
*LA Taps area where watch should be in explanatory manner.*

*Look at dad, who looks at me blankly*

LA: THE TIIIIME?
*more tapping*

Dad: Yes its quarter to three... there's a church clock behind you.
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Sat 9 Jul 2005, 7:43, Reply)

Spain
I was in spain, and not impressed with the local food, I'd bought some bread and peanut butter.

After getting back to the hotel and realizing it's impossible to spread with your finger, I decided to head back into town for a spreading implement.

All I could find was sodding tourist shops, so I thought maybe they'd have a crappy touristy knife & fork set or something.

A few minutes after speeking slow english and getting nowhere, I decided to mime what I wanted.

It seems the shopkeeper got upset about me shouting "knife, knife" and making a stabbing motion toward him, and chased me out of the shop with a knife too big to get into the jar.

Anyway, I found that a 19 yr old (as I was then) can run faster then a middle aged fat shopkeeper, and ruffled crisps spread PB kind of okay.
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 6:59, Reply)

This makes me very worried about the state of my nation...
Let me say one thing first: The Poconos is "the place to go" for EVERYONE on the northern East Coast of America. Everyone comes here- why, I'm not sure(it's just TREES for god's sake), but it has the odd power of drawing the most... er... colourful people out by where I live. We get a lot of tourists, and they generally just clog up traffic and get vaguely lost. But there have been a few memorable moments...

Like this one guy. A New York City driver (lost as hell, but still going too damn fast on little local roads) was in front of me not a month ago as I made my way home from a particularly good grad party.

Like I said, this guy is going fast. Not just any kind of fast, but Too Damn Fast. And this is the woods, so there's nothing to stop him as he zooms his way around our quaint little country highways, right?

WRONG.

He hits a deer, which then flies back OVER his car and hits mine. Okay, I say, I'll pull over and asses the damage. He does the same.

He gets out of his car and starts stomping towards me.

Uh-oh, I think. He was big. Very Very Big. And scary. And visibly furious. And he was coming my way.

Not wanting to provoke him too much, I roll down my window as he reaches me. He leans in, this godawful crazed look in his eyes. He looks me square in the eye, and in the most nasal Brooklyn accent I have ever heard, goes:

"You wanna bunch of money? We could have a lawsuit! The government should keep their damn animals penned up!"

And I live in the same country as this idiot... good god. Fucking American tourists. *headsmack*
(GirnsieBabes- Ring baloney once! Ring baloney twice! Hey-ya, Kutztown sure is nice!, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 6:18, Reply)

Rome,Paris
I was working in a pub here in Melbourne, overheard story being told about a seppo (Septic Tank = Yank) complaining in a cafe in Rome.

"I can't fricken believe it! We're in the middle of Rome, and I can't get a fricken Caesar Salad!".

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caesar_salad

Another related to me: A mate was in Paris, goes into cafe for breakfast, makes attempt to order in (terrible) French, waiter asks, in English, what he wants. Five minutes later, seppo walks in, orders coffee and croissant in English, no attempt at French. Same waiter looks at him blankly, says "Pardon? Parlez vous Franglais?". A short back and forth of "Coffee, croissant" and "Parlez vous" ensues, until Yank walks out in disgust.

My mate is paying and asks, "Why did you speak to me in English, but no that other bloke?". Waiter replies, "You at least tried".
(Pleiades, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 5:35, Reply)

Disneyland!
From "More Mouse Tales" - the majority of these are from California locals, although to their credit most of them are from when the park was new and the only thing of its kind:

"Are you open until you close?"

"Do I have to pay to get in?"

"Do you give discounts to tourists?" (I doubt they still give discounts to locals)

(During a rainstorm) "Is it raining inside?"

(Looking for It's a Small World)
"Where can I find the Mad, Mad World of Children?"
"Can you tell me where the Valley of the Dolls is?"

(After staring at the giant fake Swiss Family (now Tarzan) Treehouse for 5 mins) "Is this the Treehouse?"

"Do these stairs go both up and down?"

"Can I enter the exit?"

Swiss tourist: You know, we Swiss people do not really live in trees."

(Tourist explaining why he didn't have to sit down during a parade) "Yes, but I am French! But I am French!"

"I've been to Fantasyland, Adventureland, and Frontierland - where's Disneyland?"

(Whispered to a clerk) "You know, these watches will be very valuable because California is going to fall off into the ocean next year."

Surely someone has a story about being insulted at/with the England Pavillion at EPCOT...
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 4:43, Reply)

One of those dumb Mercans
Fortunately for you all, he didn't leave the country-- he was visiting Okeefenokee in Georgia. The stupid thing he said was "Here, gator gator!" which he said while doing this:

That's right, he was trying to lure alligators closer with food. The best part is, the alligator in the picture is one of SEVEN that I could see within ten feet of this genius. I'd have gotten a better picture except I don't volunteer as alligator bait.
( madrabbit is fully prepared, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 4:32, Reply)

Pronouncing names
I don't really think it's outwith the grasp of most people to learn the pronounciation of the place names they're about to visit. I'm going to Poland in a few weeks and I've gone out of my way to make sure I can pronounce names like Lódz (woodge) and Wroclaw (vrotswaf).

An American woman once got really pissed off with me when she overheard me describing barbecued food as "charred flesh". She looked genuinely upset and told me I was being "very rude". What did she think she was eating? Solidified rainbows?

Edit - Hmm, for some reason it won't let me do accents on the Polish letters. Oh well, you get the idea.
(SusK, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 3:24, Reply)

New York City - tales from a local
* Common t-shirt phrase in NYC: "If it's called 'tourist season,' why can't we shoot them?"

* On the observation deck of the Empire State Building, I once overheard a Southern gentleman complain that the coin-operated binoculars couldn't turn completely around.. which would have made a lot of sense had he wanted to pay to look at the wall behind him.

* Sitting in a subway train watching a group of tourists from somewhere slavic-sounding take photos of each and every ad poster placed along the ceiling.

* One of my favorite things to do in the local version of Mme Tussauds is to wear sunglasses and stand really still until some old lady starts admiring me, commenting on how lifelike I look. Then I violently sneeze.

* Listening to a couple of theatregoers from Blighty who were vaguely disappointed that New York's version of the musical "Les Miserables" turned out to be nearly identical to their one.

* Buying a Queen cassette sometime in the late 80s, leaving a stray Englishman in the store shocked and amazed I, a Yank, knew who Queen were at all.

* During a trip to Atlantic City, chatting with an increasingly drunk tourist lady from California at the bar, and eventually reciting the whole Red Dwarf "smart shoes" gag complete with punchline, which amazed her to no end. She failed to recognize it as a joke, or ask about the car door. (Search for "shoes" here for the whole speech.)
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 3:13, Reply)

Right. That's it.
I've read far too may posts taking the piss out of tourists visiting the UK who can't pronounce 'Worchestershire' or 'Warwickshire' or even 'Auchterarder' for God's sake! I hereby cordially invite every person in the UK to visit New Zealand and attempt to pronounce 'Paekakariki' or 'Maunganui' or 'Te Puke'(yes, a real town, Yank tourists love it)correctly. When you fail dismally, I shall be straight back on the board to tell everybody how thick you all are.

Bah.
(charles mingus, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 2:09, Reply)

Perhaps the other way round...
I went to California last year with a housemate of mine.

In a bar in LA we got talking to a couple of girls. We told them we were from england and one said:

"You're from england? Say something in english!"

hmm.

I didn't want to break it to them that both I and they had been saying things in english for some time.

Also, whilst in San Francisco we met a friendly fat, bald yank on a ferry. We'd been busy all day and mentioned that we were hungry.

Says the yank: "Oh, what kind of food do you like? I know good places for absolutely EVERYTHING. Just name it, I'll tell you were to eat"

"Well, I'm vegetarian..."

"No!" he shouts.

Well, that was me told.

Finally, whilst on a train (big double-decker amtrack trains, with a bottom deck that you're only supposed to sit on if you're too fat to get up the stairway) we hear a good bit of commotion from the buffet car next to us. We go through to find a load of schoolgirls in the car, trying to prove themselves by standing on one leg to show off their balance. Trouble is, none of them can stay upright whilst the train is moving, so they keep falling over into chubby yanks with plates full of food.
We reach our stop and flee the train of horror (or at least annoyance), and hop on a coach to Fullerton where we're crashing with a friend from uni. The coach remains almost empty until, at the last minute, we find that all the other seats have been booked by the schoolgirls. Stuck on a bus of ingnorance for two hours, we learn to our amasement that Scotland is in Germany, and hear a girl forget (for almost a minute) how to say the word "bag".
(SwampDonkey, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 1:10, Reply)

Whilst working as a lift operator
in canada. dumb american tourist was heard asking (during a period of long lines to get up mountain) why cant the chairs go up on both sides? because the ski lift operates as a loop and while half the chairs go up the other half come down you ignorant fuck!!!
( Alabaster Codify wouldn't piss on yr gums if yr teeth were on fire, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 0:54, Reply)

To all the proud English out there...
It's fairly obvious that the yanks are top of the list when it comes to being the stupid tourist. However, we brits have a secret weapon: Prince Philip.

en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Prince_Philip,_Duke_of_Edinburgh
(robbersdog, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 0:36, Reply)

OK, not a tourist story
But it seems quite relevant
I used to work with a girl and most days Id hear this conversation on the phone (just her end)

.........
My name ? Ill spell it
.........
OK, Glowinski
.........
G.L.O.W.I.N.S.K.I.


Well it made us laugh, if someone offers to spell their name, you can be sure it isnt Jones or Smith.
(gpl, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 0:31, Reply)

American tourist and Ticketmaster
Two weeks ago, when the world was buzzing with excited about Live 8 (TTTTT), I received a call from Evelyn Bergman from Milwaukee. She didn't understand that you couldn't buy tickets for Live 8, you had to win them in a text lottery. After explaining this for 15 minutes she came out with this gem:

Evelyn Bergman: "So, if I can't buy tickets for that, how the hell do I get into this G8 thing?"

Having had enough as it was 8 in the morning and i'd been there for 2 hours, I politely informed her that you had to be the elected president or prime minister of one of the 8 largest economic countries in the world. Just when it couldn't get any better....

Evelyn Bergman: So it's not a concert then huh?

Me: No madam
(kiss_my_swingers, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:48, Reply)

Ticketmaster
You get some right ones when you work at Ticketmaster too, like when you ask an Irishman for the county of the billing address and they say "Euro!" or what card they are paying on and they say "Mine!" I fucking hate speaking to them, on the phone, you do understand
(kiss_my_swingers, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:38, Reply)

Yank
The stupiest thing I have ever heard a tourist ask was "What's the bridge called that connects England to Ireland?" I told him I didn't know
(kiss_my_swingers, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:37, Reply)

Not, strictly speaking, tourists...
but you get to meet a lot of stupid foreigners dealing on eBay.

There was the one who called me a cheat and a charlatan for saying that £5 = $8 when everyone knows that Dollars are worth more than Pounds.

Then the one who sent me $10 for a £10 purchase - when I sent it back with a huffy note explaining the exchange rate, he said he didn't realise that 'British Dollars aren't the same as American Dollars'.

And I can't count the number of Americans who think that 60p first class postage will get a book from here to zip code 1-800 fuckwit. (and yes, I know that would be a phone number not a zip code. I even know that when you use the 9 digit zip codes, you have to put a dash between the first 5 digits and the last 4. I'm clever, me)

However, I was well into university before I twigged that Arkansas and 'Arkansaw' were actually the same place. *sighs*
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:29, Reply)

One me, one not me...
We were on a school trip to France, and were in the museum that has that massive tapestry in it (the Bayeux tapestry or something). Anyway, me and my mate were sat down, with our other mate, Fathead, sat on the other side of a display case. My mate and I decided it would be hilarious if we pointed at him and shouted "il s'appelle grosse tête" (loosely translated "he is called Fathead"). It wasn't actually that funny until one of the employees went over to Fathead, and asked him, in perfect English, if he would step outside! Haha!

Another one (another school trip, this time in Germany, which I didn't attend because I didn't go to that school) involved two of my mates. One of them was bent over looking at something, when the other decided to run up and kick him up the arse. It wasn't until after he had done it that he realised that it wasn't my other mate at all, and was in fact a very big, pissed off German bloke. Oh dear.

Not really relevant, but I thought that I would let you know that I recently discovered that I can access b3ta on my mobile, so now I can read Question of the Week whilst having a shit. And you know something? It feels fantastic!
(Keiths Dad, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:21, Reply)

Skegness, on the beach.
"How many feet above sea level are we?"

Dozy fucking austrailian twat.
( Muns, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:19, Reply)

When in a foreign land, be careful who you think can't understand...
Yeah, yeah...poet, didn't know it.

I'll 'fess up immediately and tell you that I'm American. Not only that, but I live in LA. (Shoot me now.) The attempt at saving grace here is that my girlfriend is English. Immediately losing whatever footing British cred might have given: we went to a SUPER trashy, LA, new money, 'hip-hop' club because they had an open bar party that for some reason I was invited to (no, don't even think it!). We were obviously the odd couple out in this situation...at least we think, until we see a pack of about 8 super pasty girls, easily 10 lbs overweight for their manner of dress and we start kind of snickering to ourselves (as you do when drunk on free vodka) about their immodest flab display, fake nails and Burberry. We were doing our best to not be heard, but, at the time, we had learned a new word during our (at that time) recent trip to London: chav. We definitly have chavs in America, and this 8-headed chav machine really took the cake. They noticed that we were looking at them and one of them says something to my girlfriend who is immediately horrified that they are English. So we join them and one of the chav-monster's 8 heads whipped around and asked us what we had been talking about. Being drunk, I replied, "do you know what a chav is?" Needless to say, they pissed off straight away.

It's Friday...is that rhyming day?
(the homunculus sleeps tonight, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:13, Reply)

An American in Luton.

American from Washington DC here --
January 2nd, 2000 in London with my ex and some friends that live in Luton... Took us all to eat mussels at BELGO in London - and we ordered water along with the beer. The server asked if we wanted "GAS" with the water and stupidly I asked what that meant... Now I know. It is also quite more expensive than plain "FLAT" water we realized later.

Next day - after sightseeing and traveling back the Luton, exhausted we went off to a Pub. We all sat in comfy chairs and I volunteered to go get the drinks. Everyone wanted just water to start so I went up to the surly, unshaven bartender and asked for "5 waters with no gas, please" - of course learning from my previous experience, speaking the local dialect - he gave me a look that really said we all actually really hate you yanks, and replied "You want tap water then?" -- I sheepishly answered "Ah, yea, OK then" - and shuffled off to my friends carrying my plain still water.
(xianstudio, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:05, Reply)