RTF Bible!
On honeymoon in Malta, we're taking a break from shagging, drinking and windsurfing by going round the 3000BC megaliths at Ggantija. The guide is explaining that the temple torch was kept burning permanently. ANGLO tourist asks:

"When did they let it go out?"

"Oh, when the islands were converted by St. Paul"

"I thought St. Paul was a Londoner"

Marvellous.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:57, Reply)

Aint getting on no plane fool
I was once in a restaurant in america when I heard an english laidee ask for brown sauce. The waitress disappeared and came back with the head chef who was a black fellow who promply said to the aforementioned nitwit "I think your blouse is simply atrocious"*





*May be complete lie as I am bored.
(myohmy, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:47, Reply)

Where do mountains come from?
I nicked this from Cliff Warby:

Greyhound driver en route through Arizona gets asked question from a woman who got on in Kansas.

"What are those things over there?"

"those are mountains, ma'am"

"How did they get there"

"Glaciers bring 'em. Big rivers of ice, y'know?"

"There's no ice there now"

"They go back north in summer to get some more".

Up to a point, Lord Copper, up to a point.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:40, Reply)

York Tourist Guide (unofficial)
Whilst walking around York one day I convinced some americans that the Romans used to live in caves that they had stolen from the Vikings and that is why you have to dig so deep to find their remains, the best bit was when the “smart” one of the group explained to his fellow country men that the reason that the Romans did not stay in america was because there was not enough caves for them all.

I also explained the flashing lights on zebra crossings meant it was too dangerous to cross at that time and they should wait until the lights stopped flashing.

I think I might have taken it to far when I explained that the City Walls where built to mark the boundary of a cricket pitch and the Tower was a giant beacon that was used to light the city during the dark ages.
(hullygully, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:39, Reply)

I think I'll prenounce it slew from now on...
"slough1 ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sl, slou) also slew (sl)
n.
A depression or hollow, usually filled with deep mud or mire.
also slue A stagnant swamp, marsh, bog, or pond, especially as part of a bayou, inlet, or backwater.
A state of deep despair or moral degradation."
Apparently tourists aren't as stupid as we first thought
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:38, Reply)

Wind-up and serious stupidity.
A fellow traveller when I was in South America told me that the obese American woman he was sitting with on his plane to Santiago managed to come up with the wonderful question "So what language do you speak in England?"... he said he replied "French".

Spent a lovely evening in a bar in Norway winding up two young American ladies. My mate managed to keep a completely straight face explaining that there weren't really paved roads north of Watford Gap in the UK. Most people still used horses and carts and collected their water from the village well... they lapped it up.
But then we had to run away as terrifying huge Russian woman kept trying to chat me up and I only knew one word in Russian which was "Yes", not a good situation...
(martin_e, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:38, Reply)

Slough is sluff
Actually it's OK to pronounce Slough as "sluff" the first time you see it -- cos one of the meanings of the word (slough) is to shed the skin (like snakes do), pronounced "sluff". Mind you, it's OK to pronounce it "slew" too.
dictionary.reference.com/search?q=slough

It's like saying reading for Reading... oh never mind.
(beholder the lurking lurker's lurker, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:31, Reply)

slough
we moved to buckinghamshire when i was 5. as my mother was driving us into slough to do some shopping, i pointed at the sign and said:

oh look, mummy. we're in sluff.

does that make me a stupid tourist? [or just stupid?!]
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:17, Reply)

Xenophobia is an Englishman's national sport
and despite the tongue-in-cheekness of it, a recent sojourn to Finland heard me saying umpteen times "bloody foreigners." To be fair, we WERE eating reindeer.

It's one of the reasons I now no longer live in England either. When you admit you come from Margate too many spackers ask "oh, do you like jellied eels then?" as if it's some kind of commune for alternative dieters. It's only the twunts from London who eat jellied eels when they swarm to the south coast (alright, SE coast) for the bank holidays, and they dont appreciate the retort - "oh, you're from London? Why arent you wearing a bowler hat?" They even complain "There's too many bloody frenchers in Margate," when, after all, France is a mere 28 miles away, and London is about 75...

And FFS, the Loogabarooga thing isnt an urban myth, considering "ough" has 17 pronunciations, including "hiccough"

I like this QOTW.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:09, Reply)

Carlisle
Home of trolls, I left at 18. When I went back recently to visit I met my brother off the train and began drinking immediately. Walking up to the cash machine I began to think not such a bad old place etc.

The couple's conversation I heard behind me on the way back was how there were too many black people in Carlisle these days (ie. more than one) but how it was worse in Birmingham which was at least '50% black'. "aye, what do you call them now though eh?, er, british americans?"

Twats. Carlisle was the place they trial-marketed Sunny Delight, need I go on?

ok - I was the tourist, but in my home town, and they were stupid. do you feel better now?
(bloodyHassocks, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 13:00, Reply)

Not so much stupid as stating the fucking obvious
Waiting to check in on my way back from France in London Stansted airport. A middle aged English couple are having a good bitch about waiting and spouting inanities like "It's not actually in London is it?"

This was wearing me down a bit, so it was with considerable restraint that I kept quiet when they came out with "This place would close down if it wasn't for Easyjet and Ryanair!". That's right fucktards, having flights coming in and out is a fairly major part of an airport's business.
(richey, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:59, Reply)

Sorry squiggy and hairy
I just couldn't resist.
(mm123, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:43, Reply)

no greater gift
when I was teaching in Tanzania, one of the african teachers we had got to know, Paul Shirema, came up to me (a boy) and my female teaching partner + several other girls from our group and told us enthusiastically that he was going to give us all his 'best cock' that night, and that a boy would bring it round (?)

(once we sorted out what he meant, we invited him and his wife to help eat it the next night - when the live chicken arrived later, we got a bit stuck, it worked out ok tho, 'nother story...)
(bloodyHassocks, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:43, Reply)

Squiggy...
Yes it bloody is! It's full of people who *claim* to be Scottish, but in everything other then a freak of geography, it's full of people who seem just like pretentious home counties w?nkers to me.

Sorry. I'm in a bad mood.
(Hairy, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:41, Reply)

Oh yes it is!
Well it might as well be I mean after all Scotlands not what you'd call a REAL country is it? Not like England.

;)
(mm123, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:40, Reply)

NO! NO! NO!
EDINBURGH IS NOT IN ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Been there
The Durham unis full of german graduate students and most of them are indeed top blokes. One did ask us why we where all wearing poppies. Que the uncomfortable sideways glances at each other.

I remember an american student we had over once who spent his time loudly proclaiming how Britian and the US whooped German ass and how the French should basically suck us off for this. All this in front of very uncomfortable looking German and French students.

He was an ace bloke.
(mm123, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:34, Reply)

Can't pronounce my own language
It's bad enough that they mangle English, but one american tourist had the temerity told me that I was mispronouncing the city I lived in.

"It isn't 'Nottingham', it's 'Nardingham', there's no hard "o" in english."
(Davoloid, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:31, Reply)

germans
We have lots of German people where I work - most of them are top people, and contrary to popular opinion, they can be taught the finer points of the British sense of humour.

We had one very "special" German chap with us for a year though. Round about Remembrance Day, he asked why we all wear poppies. I explained to him that it's to commemorate those who died in the first and second world wars, and I asked if they had anything similar in Germany.

His answer? "No, Germany has not been in any wars" Erm, hello?? What do they teach them over there??!!
(emma_fisi, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:27, Reply)

Rooster...
I worked in a shop in Bath that sold stationery, cards, and sundry knick-knacks to tourists... One summer, as part of the window display, we had on sale a large, hand-painted fire screen in the shape of a chicken which prompted a Spanish woman to enter the shop and ask loudly: "How much is the big cock in the window?"
(stealthbanana, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:26, Reply)

And henceforth, it shall be known as the Middlelands
Both these incidents happened while I was staying at my Aunty's quaint little barn conversion in a quaint little village in France, we dont get many tourists round there (thank god) but when we do, they come out with classics'

In the Super U, a very disgruntled British couple who couldn't believe 'they don't even sell bisto!!'

A young guy from Hollywood asking me if there are coyotes in this part of France. I said not, he then asked if we get them where I come from in the 'Middlelands'. He was so proud that he could name a place in England other than London, bless him.

I think Middlelands has a certain ring to it though......
(hi fi lowlife, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:26, Reply)

Demented
I used to work on the beaches in the English Riviera (Torquay) handing out deckchairs and sun loungers to people.

One woman came up and silently pointed to the stack of sun loungers. Realising she was a tourist and didn't speak a word of English I did the lamest attempt at communicating in a slowed-down, almost gurning pronounciation of 'one.... sun... lounger?', she nodded and again I replied, 'one..... pound... fifty.... please.' She paid, turned to me, and in a very broad cockney accent said 'Shall I just take one off the top mate?'

She walked away saying to her friend, 'It's lovely when they employ "special" people.'
(Angsty, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Lincoln Cathedral
As a growing young man keen to explore the wider world - an enthusiasm nurtured by the limitations of my hometown Lincoln, much as a grain of sand becomes a pearl within an oyster shell - I was happy to talk to tourists from sunnier climbs.

"Hey young man", said a large American man sporting a wonderful shell-suit, "my wife and I were wondering... where's the Cathedral?"

Dumbstruck, I simply pointed at the massive, 11th Century, 270 foot tall place of worship about, oh, say, five metres behind them.

"Oh!" he exclaimed.

"That's not a church?" asked the double-chinned wife, equally shell-suited to boot.

At this point I seriously considered a life working in a High Street store... in nearby Hull.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:23, Reply)

mm123
Just had a stupid tourist moment. I was walking through the medieval part of Durham city and was accosted by two sweaty Mericans. Now normally Durham is far enough off the tourist radar to avoid the type of tourist who appears to have just woke up with no idea where he is.

Anyway, Durham is the so called land of the price bishops as they'll yielded so much power up here in the north. On reading this these two Merkins asked me what a price bishop was. I replied it simply meant the bishops of Durham had powers equivalent to that of a prince. To which they replied:

"Really? Does the Pope live there?" points to Durham cathedral.

My friend then replies

"Yes you've just missed the 10:30 parade but theres another at noon and 15:00"

I wonder if their still waiting?

For all you merkins who are upset by what you read we all know that most americans aren't merkins. Unfortunatly for you (and us) its the merkins who get themselves noticed. Also I don't know what merkins expect to get out of the holiday to Britian. I mean, you only really come to Britain for the history, and maybe the whores, so whats the point showing up if 1)You know fuck all about history and 2)your going to treat it like its a theme park?
(mm123, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 12:00, Reply)

I live in buckingham
buckingham is a good 50 miles from london.

I have had on 2 occasions americans pull up in their cars and ask for directions to the palace

needless to say I told them it was down and on the left.
(Bingo, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 11:53, Reply)

I was the tourist...
A couple of years ago I visited Washington (State, not D.C.) and my host kindly corrected my pronunciation on such place names as Anacortes, Snoqalmie and Mukilteo, etc A little later in the holiday we ended up visiting Bellingham, way up north, close to the Canadian border, where we were meeting some pals from Canada. So we sat down in this fast food place, and I was delighted to see Porter as one of the beverages on offer (I loved Washington for many reasons, the availabilty of decent porter not least of those reasons!) I ordered a pint of porter to go with my lunch. The waitress looked blank. I tried again. Nothing. And again. Nope. Nothing. So I cleared my throat and tried again with the lamest, stupidest attempt at an 'American' accent you can imagine "a pine of porrderrr". "A pint?" she asks making pint rhyme with tint.

*spang*
(TC, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 11:52, Reply)

John Rennon
finally, b3ta embraces racism!

Anyway, here's my one. I live in Liverpool and there's a nice dive of a pub called 'Ye Cracke' that has been around (with largely the same clientele) since the sixties. It is a)a down at heel place, mixture of locals and students, b)a place were celebrated gobshite John Lennon used to dink.

My friend used to work there when a coach load of japanese tourists came in and asked what JL used to drink. WTF? they pointed at the most expensive guest ale and hoped to be serving a monster round of it. Instead they bought one and all stood around to be photographed with it. wierdos.

actually, awww
(bloodyHassocks, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 11:34, Reply)

Taht stupid tourist was me
Was doing a bit of trekking in the rainforests of the congo about 2 seconds ago when I thought I might visit the village of Loughbourgh. I asked a local for directions, but he seemed a bit confused. After a while we worked out I was mispronnoucing the word and was actually looking for the village of loogabarooga.

How we laughed.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 11:24, Reply)

Re: Overground mines
Not as silly as it sounds :-

A recent addition to the 'Black County Living Museum' (Dudley - W Mids) is a coal mine which was built by constructing a mine shaft above ground on a *slight* incline and then covering the whole thing with earth. Visitors suffering from claustrophobia are taken to one of the signposted emergency exits which open out into the open air.
(craftej, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 11:20, Reply)

A two pipe problem
I used to live on Baker Street in London. For those who don't know, the section of Baker Street including the fictional address of Sherlock Holmes, 221 Baker St, is occupied by the Abbey National. There is a plaque on the wall with a quote from one of the books regarding this. I lived between the Abbey National and the Sherlock Holmes museum a few doors up the street.

I heard various things in my time there as the queue for the museum used to run past our front door:

Couple of tourists from you know where standing in front of plaque on Abbey National: "My god, they knocked his house down. (shakes head) Do these people have no respect for history?"

Another: "His grandson now works for Scotland Yard."

Another: "If he wasn't real, why did all these books get written about him?"

I'll get my deerstalker.
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 11:02, Reply)