the only excuse for living in wales
is pulling off the A55 and telling invited foreign guests to "get your passports ready"

much mirth
(chives, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 7:16, Reply)

Canadians
At the moment i'm travelling around Australia, so i get to witness stupidity from locals and other tourists as well. The country which currently ranks as #1 for stupidity in my book is Canada.

Whilst in the supermarket,i heard a conversation between a whole group of Canadian backpackers who couldn't work out whether 'tomato sauce' and 'tomato ketchup' were the same thing(obviously the cheaper store own brands are simply labelled 'tomato sauce').

The fact that both products were side by side in the condiments section obviously bypassed them, and after a good 10 minutes of arguing about it, they spent their hard earned dollars on the more expensive Heinz ketchup brand, 'just to make sure'.

Obviously chaos would have ensued if they'd bought a bottle simply labelled 'tomato sauce' for a few dollars less.
(heartspark, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 6:54, Reply)

Cambridge
When you finally get the tourists out of Lodnod, the next place they tend to head for is where I live - Cambridge. Their first port of call tends to be punting down the college backs, where (if you don't 'self drive') you tend to get a sardonic local punt guide, who somehow is more credible because he's wearing a shirt and a silly straw hat. It's great to go out punting and listen to the tales these guys weave - they're like a rather twisted Jackanory. The usual ones are how the roadmenders bridge next to Queens college is a "mathematical bridge" put together by Sir Isaac Newton without "any bolts whatsoever - but they took it apart to clean it and couldn't work our how to put it back without any fixings." The other recent one I heard was that the drain next to the "bridge of sighs" was in fact a swan trap, that you'd use to entice swans in so you could kill, cook and eat them. This then tends to lead onto a tale of how one college has special dispensation from the Queen to take a quail's egg, stick it up the arse of a pigeon, stick the pigeon up the arse of a duck, the duck up the arse of a goose and so on until the whole multi-arse menagerie gets stuck up the rear of a swan - and the whole lot is then cooked and eaten by the dons of the college.

The punting guys should get their own TV series - the stories they actually get away with telling the Yanks beggars belief.
(fixit, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 3:01, Reply)

Wanted: big sikh with stick
Where I live in Auckland there's a ferry service across the harbour every half hour. On the access doors to the ramp there are extremely large signs saying "PLEASE STAND TO ONE SIDE TO ALLOW PASSENGERS TO GET OFF".
As reliable as fcuking clockwork there'll be a clump of fat useless retarded foreigners standing bang in the middle of the doorway, with uncomprehending placid bovine fcukwitted expressions on their faces as people try to squeeze past. (Most of them aren't even merkins, BTW, but whinging poms, eurotrash, Japanese wearing their funnyhats, shifty looking Balkan types and horrible motormouthed Israelis.)
I get so pissed off that I start to envy the way they keep order in India: just have a fcuking big sikh with a stick walking round belting anyone he feels like.
That'd learn 'em.
(mudskipper, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 3:00, Reply)

In Silicon Valley,
we don't have many tourists--mostly business travelers--so I can't offer any amusing story about a British dude mispronouncing our many Spanish city names or asking if LA is only twenty minutes away, but man, you should see how they burn in the sun.
(ladycat, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 0:49, Reply)

Everyone gets this wrong....
...and I'm here to clear it up once and for all. Daventry is not pronounced 'dav-en-tree', it's 'DAVE-ntry'. Tourists always get it wrong.




This might be a lie.
(spangledonkey I've got a mouse. His name is Gerald., Tue 12 Jul 2005, 0:11, Reply)

me
It wasn't until my second year of uni and a lot of convincing from my new geordie friend, that dsicovered Newcastle was actually in England and not Scotland as I had previously thought...

I've never been great at geography

PS
When I was a kid, and told about why traffic lights beep, I thought it was for the aid of blind drivers too, I was however very young, and realised the truth a bit latter on (some of them also have swivelly metal bits for blind and deaf people, so they can feel when it's safe to cross, (at the very bottom have a look next time)).
(gerg, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 23:06, Reply)

lolwhites -- about canadians
I have noticed that we Canadians don't seem to have quite so many obnoxious fat people, in general. I don't know why. I suspect though that it is because of our immigration policy; America's policy is the "melting pot": bring in people from abroad, and force them to fit the Mer'kin mold. (I suddenly thought of Wierd Al's mock-reggae, "Gonna buy me a condo".) The Canadian policy is the Tapestry of Cultures; multiculturalism, means that the official policy is that you can't make fun of your Chinese neighbours for acting Chinese. By and large, we do tend to be more open to different cultures...
(chazz, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 23:01, Reply)

not me but a friend
was living in some god forsaken midwest American town for a couple of months... just to see what it was like

he was asked, not once, but frequently, "where are you from?"

a straighforward question with a straighforward answer, "Ireland."

the next question was the one he found harder to answer; "how long did it take you to drive here?"

after the scond or third time here he started to answer, "about 4 decades, i cycled across the Bearing Straits"

no-one batted an eyelid
(globalloon, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 22:47, Reply)

Why the 'Mercan tales?
To those who wonder why so many of these tales are about Americans, reflect on this. The UK is an expensive country to visit. Only rich people can afford to come here, so that will make for a high proportion of American tourists in the UK,and hence more stories about the stupid ones.

That doesn't explain the scarcity of Canadian stories though, and they're rich too. Hmmmmm.
(lolwhites, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 22:47, Reply)

@(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal)

It is pronounced Bis-ter
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 22:00, Reply)

Mer'kans?
Lived on the shores of Lago Maggiore (the Italian side) for about half a year. Lovely place... but periodically a giant tour bus would huff up to the Plaza, and out would roll this huge batch of obese, sweaty, loud, self-centred...

Germans.

Yes, the Ugly American is a stereotype, and I'm not saying it doesn't exist... but you know? It can happen to any country.
(chazz, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 21:13, Reply)

Mercans
I wouldnt say it was xenophobia that 80% of the people here have a Mercan tale.

I think everyone makes a tit of themselves on holiday, God alone knows how many Frenchmen have laughed at my pathetic attempts to speak their language. You know its going to happen and you realise that the locals will forgive if you make the effort. And inturn this is the case here, usually.

Its just that most visiting Mercans are so self assured in their ignorance; they just cant possibly be wrong, they're Mercan, for Gods sake! And the more middle-aged visitors can not get over the fact that they are not in their own country and that leads to so many mis-understandings.

Then again my Scottish father in law is just as bad.

Thats why we find it worthy of mentioning/taking the piss
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 20:59, Reply)

stupid bloke
I was in a museum not so long ago with parents standing near an Egyptian mummy and I heard the bloke next to me say to his wife "It's such a cruel way to kill people...wrapping them up in bandages and nailing them into a coffin. Those Egyptians were brutes".

He was English, not really a tourist story, but what a stupid stupid man. I could see his wife re-thinking her marriage as she glanced at him disgustedly.
(mrmistoffeles, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 20:56, Reply)

Another, this time in Paris
I was in a very nice restaurant in Paris with my parents. A few tables away from us sat 3 American women (or Mer'kin) who were loud and apparently near drunk. The waiter was showing them the cheese course on the cart, and one of them shouts, "You should try some Wisc-ah-nson cheddeerr cheese, you don't know what you're missing." The waiter looked like he was trying his best not to stab the woman with her own fork, and I don't blame him.
Luckily, at the time, I was pretty fluent in conversational French as was my mother, so the staff seemed to be relieved whenever they came to our table.
(spiggums, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 20:43, Reply)

Stupid tourists ...
I had a summer job guiding tours through a pioneer brewery (replica) in my home town (southwestern Ontario, Canada). In mid-August it was absolutely sweltering, and actually cooler outside than in.

Up drives a fully kitted-out SUV with Tex-ass license plates, four pairs of downhill skis strapped to the roof rack. Lady with red head-scarf and harlequin-style sunglasses in the passenger's seat, looking perturbed.

Large geezer eases his sweating frame from behind the steering wheel and declares, "Christ, we come all the way from Houston, where's the fucking mountains?"

One brief geography lesson later, he drives away no happier, and likely no wiser. Another vacation, ruined ...
(Just a stub, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 20:12, Reply)

On the mispronounciation of places
Ok, I'm born and bred English,

Is Bicester pronounced Bis-ter or Bi-ces-ter? I've never known.
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 20:01, Reply)

Take me to your Qantas!!!!
Was working at a backpackers in Melbourne a few years ago. This American guy comes up to me and asks if I can direct him to where he might go to see a qantas. I suspected I knew what he was talking about although couldn't quite believe someone could be so stupid so had to ask him for more info.

"You know a qantas, a great big furry jumping rat, all your planes have pictures of them on the tail"

Should have just booked the cretin on the airport shuttle but then he would have still remained in Victoria so I obliged him by booking him on an overland trip to another state(as far away from me as possible) and told him to look out of the window. Loads of nice road kill in the country here. He was bound to see lots of qantas' .
(Lord Turkey Boy the First The Real Turkey Boy, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 19:59, Reply)

Americans in America
My cousin from Pennsylvania came to stay with me in New York once (we were both 23). I thought it might be nice to walk to the English tea shop which was about a mile away.

When we arrived, she flopped into her seat and exclaimed loudly "That's the FURTHEST I've EVER walked in my WHOLE life!" Then she drank 2 pints (pints!) of Coke.

My sister and I made her walk about 4 more miles before the day was out. She didn't visit again.
( Pachey, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 19:40, Reply)

Near the World Trade Center
About six months ago I was walking in the area around "Ground Zero" when I overheard some idiot tourist say, "Do you think all the dirt here is from the towers?"

It's New York, it's filthy EVERYWHERE! Burnt debris or otherwise. And it has been 3 years! Do you really believe that the ash wouldn't have washed away with the rain in that span of time!?

It's a wonder why I haven't gone on a tourist killing spree...
Only the American tourists bother me, or rather non-urbanite American tourists who dress in bright pastels, have big hair, speak way too slowly, walk way too slowly while taking up 75% of the sidewalk with their 5 Aryan children wearing Abercrombie & Fitch, etc. etc. etc.
No one should wear pastels, ESPECIALLY if you look like a shaved albino gorilla.

assholes.

no... no bitterness here...
(spiggums, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 19:24, Reply)

Honest it's true.
At least I think so anyway. My friend promises me....

He witnesses a Glasgow woman smacking her kid. "I'll take my hand off your face!" etc etc.
German woman walks up to her, and scolds her "In Germany we do not hit our children!"
The reply "In Castlemilk we don't gas our Jews" silenced her.
( Halk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 19:08, Reply)

*sighs* America..
It wasn't really a tourist, more an American on the tv, but some guy said:
''You can do anything you want to be.''
I kid you not.
(SJ is the egg, meow, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 18:58, Reply)

This wont make you wee the chair with laughter
but its my little experience with these American Tourist thingies

It was back in the dark ages of 2000 when computers were being released in 50 mhz incriments. Woooo it was hotting up, we were up to 600mhz!!! Wowee. And they were so reasonable at £1500 or whatever it was

I was at that junction in every young mans life where I didnt know whether to become
a Mac or a PC guy, couldnt afford either so I was at Harrods looking at the range of new stuff.

I was beside the bright COLOURed G3s lost in their greeny bluey beauty, when this slovenly woman arrives beside me with husband and declares:

"OH MAAY GAAAARDDDD THESE THINGS ARE ONLY 333MHZ!!! *HEH* I FEEL SORRY FOR THAM"

and then looks at me, because Im a poor wittle Brit who doesnt have access to more mhz than 333.

I was flattered she thought I was in the market for one
( Bling Blong Bling Blong, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 18:30, Reply)

Why ask?
Living in one of Britain's more picturesque cities you quite often get people asking you take photos of them in front of famous landmarks. This can be quite a nice stress reliever, at least if you take care to cut their heads off (not literally) so what they end up with is a picture of the bottom of a famous landmark and them from the neck down. Quite often also hear tourists saying "Ow!" as they step backwards off a pavement to get a better photo and get run down by an oncoming bike. Most annoying are the French/Italian/Spanish schoolkids who hang around outside MacDonalds looking gormless and abusing passers by. Not too clever in a town with a large bilingual population, I'm surprised there aren't more fights.

However the stupidest thing I've heard is from a British family wandering around looking lost.

The Dad: "Can you tell me the way to the market place?"
Me: "Sure, go back the way you came for about 100 yards, turn right, right at the end and then bear left."
The Dad: "I don't think so."
Me: ???? erm ????

Honestly one of the few times I've been truly lost for words. I've lived here for 6 years and you've obviously been in town for about 20 minutes. More to the point why the hell would you ask me if you were going to ignore what I said? Incidentally I should mention that in contrast to my occasional photo-taking nastiness, the directions were spot on.

Additional thought, how many British people pronounce "Arkansas" correctly at first glance?
(flimflam_machine, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 18:07, Reply)

First post, please forgive the overall lameness
Undoubtedly, the stupidest tourists I have met are the Americans in America. I work for a tour company in downtown Chicago, and have fielded some astonishingly dumb questions from people who ought to know better. Yes, we are in the Midwest. This does not mean that the Sears tower is the exact midpoint of the country, and please don't continue this misconception by informing your children such (the actual midpoint is somewhere in Kansas if you don't include Alaska and Hawaii). No, a cow didn't really start the Great Fire. Actually, Al Capone does not live in the Loop (as he is long dead). I do not know Oprah's home address, and Lake Michigan is that large body of water directly east. And it pains me to say this, but YES, American travellers are for the most part obese, loud, ignorant and very poorly dressed. They drive around the country with their whiny children, and instead of taking advantage of the museums, concerts, architecture or art festivals, they ask where they can stuff their faces with deep dish pizza.


Just to point out that even Europeans make dumb mistakes, however, I will share the story of a good friend of mine attempting to drive from New Jersey to Kalamazoo, Michigan. She set the GPS direction-giving thing in the car she was driving and ended up making it all the way to Kalamazoo Avenue, Conneticut, before realizing her error.

(I would also like to remind the people of Britain that, although Bush is indeed a war criminal, Britain is also engaged in a war with Iraq. Not all Americans are personally responsible for the actions of our government.)
(schwamaster, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 18:01, Reply)

mer'kin
a "merkin" is a pubic wig.

is it me or is this v appropriate for something so dumb?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 17:57, Reply)

More Mer'kins I'm Afraid
Slight twist on the question this, while I was the tourist in America, the conversation went thus:

Me: Something in english (can't remember what)
Bint: WOW you're inglish
Me: Why yes (while wanting to say no shit sherlock)
Bint: I've been to Ingland
Me:...
Bint: yeah I've been to London, Liverpool, Scotland, I've seen all of Ingland
Me: walks away......

Sorry it's not so amusing but I was worn out with the clagnuts story.... (see last weeks FP)
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 17:52, Reply)

Prize claim
In town today I saw loads of tourists. What do I win?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 17:26, Reply)