My sense of timing... (Deserted me now...)
Many years ago I worked in Crawley.

There was a pub I used to frequent on a lunchtime, sitting quietly in the corner whilst reading a book, smoking a cig, and nursing my pint of beer.

This pub was a little bit of a "local" pub. If they didn't know you, they'd watch you.

Now, reading passed muster, as it was deemed a non-offensive pastime, and failed to upset the pool-cue wielding, Elvis listening locals (both teenagers and retirees).

Anyway, I digress a trifle...

One day, an encampment of pikeys had taken up residence nearby, some of whom had the habit of popping into the pub, sidling around to the loo, using it, and leaving it like a herd of Hippo had been in there, crapping and spraying shit around.

Well, I'm sitting there reading, smoking and drinking, when the landlady unceremoniously evicts one of said miscreants with the aid of a mop.

"I hate pikeys," pipes up one of the regulars.

I carry on drinking, smoking and reading as the discussion raged around. "Arrest them all!" "Make 'em pay taxes" etc...

Finally I hear, "We should bring back the fucking concentration camps!"

*BANG* *WHIZZ* *POW* - Timing kicks in...

I put down my book and cigarette. Stand up. Look at the speaker and announce...

"I take real offence at that! My grandfather died at Belsen!"

Cue a hush...

"Sorry, mate," the speaker says, "I didn't know..."

"Yes," says I, "he fell off one of the guard towers..." I sit down, resume drinking and smoking.

Total...
Silence...

Followed by cries of "you wanker", "you twat", "git", and much mirth.

Didn't go back to work that afternoon.

Was I beaten up?

No, just too plastered on the free beer all day.

I know the joke was old. But, for once, my sense of timing was gold.

It has never been as good.

Ahh, I miss The Samuel Johnson.
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 11:02, 2 replies)

I can...
Turn my wage into vodka almost instantaneously.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 19 Nov 2010, 11:01, 4 replies)

Using the inside tubes from toilet rolls, and a couple of mirrors, I can make a periscope
And watch television from under the floorboards.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:59, 2 replies)

Singing
When I was a kid I used to be able to sing two notes at the same time. Not any two notes though, just in a certain range. It went away when my voice broke, and now I sound like James Earl Jones or Mickey Mouse depending on mood.
( Ysol ab abl blap, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:50, 1 reply)

I know how the
chicken crossed the road. And I have extra bendy thumbs.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:43, Reply)

voice

( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I have this condition
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duane_syndrome

Doesn't really affect my life in any meaningful way, except when I get photographed from the 'wrong' side and look like a total boss-eyed fucker, which in truth, I suppose I am.

I can also do overhead kicks with incredible power and accuracy, and without any help from honda's, massive drugs, and/or supermodels.

Other than these traits I'm fairly average. I have 'talents', but I wouldn't say they're unusual.
(Pat_Gash, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:38, 4 replies)

Thumbs, dogs, toons.
I can bend both of my thumbs back at a weird angle. I can sing like the mice in Bagpuss. I've never met an animal that didn't instantly like me. And when I was a nipper I could pick up and replicate very complicated piano pieces by ear alone. Nothing very interesting I'm afraid.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:36, Reply)

I can rotate my head about 170 degrees without moving my shoulders
hence my nickname Dr Owl Face
(augsav forgot about B3ta, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:16, 3 replies)

Yes, I can.

( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:11, 1 reply)

I can post outrageous lies on the internet.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:06, 7 replies)

Finding Swiss people.
My unusual talent is an ability, almost unerringly, to find Swiss people.

I discovered this talent while I was at school. I had just made a mildly abusive comment about the Swiss - I think that this is justified on the basis that the Swiss are really quite weird. "I'm Swiss," said one of the people with whom I was talking and whom I'd known for several years.
Really?
"Yes."
Oh.

Since then, all I've need to do to find the Swiss person in any room is to make a disparaging remark about Switzerland or its paranoid, wealthy, and obsessively clean citizenry; the Swiss person will be the one standing next to me - possibly the person with whom I had been conversing when the comment was made. Part of me thinks that, owing to some strange phenomenon at CERN, Swiss people are actually created by the things I say.

I'm like a laser-guided St Bernard, with a barrel not of brandy, but conversational awkwardness.

Recently, I've developed a parallel talent with Germans. Not so long ago, I made a poor joke about German Measles and swastikas to someone who turned out to be married to a German... and questioned whether the DDR had really been as bad as all that within earshot of someone who grew up in East Berlin and whose parents had spent time in a Stasi prison.

She wasn't too impressed. But at least she's not Swiss.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:42, 10 replies)

voice

(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:37, 1 reply)

I can throw my voice......

(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:37, 1 reply)

I can talk to the animals
They never talk back though.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:31, 1 reply)

One more before I go do something more productive
my mate Adam can type out the alphabet (in order) in well under 2 seconds. He is a grade 8 pianist and applied a similar technique rather than some sort of home-key touch-typing method.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Hearing
I can hear bats chittering. An occasionally useful ability in the summer when out with friends who want to spot wildlife. Not so much in the city when you work next to a bus station and the squeal of brakes sets of explosions in your head.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I can
drag my ass along the floor, just using the power from my front paws......It's a god send when I run out of toilet paper.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:23, 1 reply)

Memory feat
I can commit to memory a list of objects after only reading through the list once. My record so far is 54, which took me about a minute to remember and then an hour later I recited them back in order with no mistakes or omissions. The only time this comes in useful is when shopping when I don't need to take a shopping list with me.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:18, 1 reply)

Thieving
I can steal your indentity and rape your bank account in about 8mins.

Please post your account numbers and mothers maiden name in the replies.

Ta
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:17, 1 reply)

My mate Graham
has bust his knees that many times that he can now push his kneecap round the side of his leg.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:09, Reply)

I can blow bubbles off my tongue
Took me about 2 months to do at will.......Kind of makes me wish i'd learnt do do something constructive with my time, although I tend to be popular with West Ham fans.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:06, Reply)

I have a photographic memory
but I keep forgetting to load it with film.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 9:02, 2 replies)

I can roll up my tongue
and use it as a straw. My daughter can extend her tongue into her nostrils (obviously not both at once).
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 8:58, Reply)

I can turn off my sense of taste/flavour
or at least suppress it enough that I am not aware of it. And it is flavour (taste/smell combo) that I am suppressing.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 8:41, 7 replies)

One More
I can play solitaire REALLY fast. At uni and old friend had a bet he could be faster than me.... not at 34 seconds he couldn't! I still play sometimes but my average is about 70 seconds now.

I'm currently travelling through Europe (Belgium at the moment) so I don't have access to my PC. When I'm back (and if you want to see) I have a pic of my 34 second game. Yes, a very sad talent.
(RJWEcology is just sharpening his axe on, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 8:23, Reply)

i can recite pi to 200 decimal places
3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196
(augsav forgot about B3ta, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 8:09, 9 replies)

Both sides of the fence
I am quite ambidextrous. I can write, play ball with both my left and right and. I regularly switch mouse hand, to avoid "mouse arm". I peel potaoes, use fork and knife, brush my teeth, use tools, etc. etc. with both hands equally good.

For some reason though, there is this one essential thing i can only do with my right hand.
(Robotnik, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 7:40, 2 replies)

Smoke
My sister can blow smoke through her ear but doesn't like doing it on account of it 'leaving a horrible taste in her ear'.
(druidus, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 7:27, 5 replies)

priaprism?
I can cum again and again without going flaccid. My record is 13 times. Special talent - dunno. But possibly not normal on the bellcurve since i'm not a 13 year old (that would figure wouldn't it?). It's not actually that useful a party trick.
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 5:14, 24 replies)