I have tantrums online
chavs chavs chavs chavs chavs chavs chavs

I wasn't gonna write this one, but I should probably get it out of my system as it will be cathartic and my limited edition hasbro super Optimus Prime commanded me to. Please bear with me - it's not particularly funny, but I need to vent. It'll probably be a long one, and may contain elements of repostiness, as I probably talked about some of this stuff before.

For a long time I lived on a street in London - the same one as Dr. Crippen, if you can be arsed to check - which was ideally situated (handy for the tube, great pubs, quick walk to Camden, my neighbours were fantastic) except for one thing. As the street had been extensively revitalised by the Luftwaffe's urban regeneration programme during the forties, in the fifties and sixties a lot of council blocks sprung up to fill the gaps. On the whole, this wasn't a problem - my flat was an ex-council place and lovely, it even had a garden, and like I said, fantastic neighbours - but there's always a couple of bad apples that spoil the whole orchard, and they lived in a block just behind mine. So over the four years I lived there I got to witness all kinds of crimes, mostly directed at me, my housemates or the flat itself, as these little scrotes (none older than 15) tried to make our lives a misery. Herein I shall try to document the ways.

It started off innocuously enough, when the morning after I stumbled down to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. Filling the kettle and staring out of the window, I spotted a young chav in my garden collecting tea-lights. Those little candles that I had bought 200 for 99p at the 99p shop - these things cost less than half a penny each. Surely the very definition of petty crime. I banged on the window, shouting "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" and the little bugger scarpered over the back fence. I made a mental note to grow brambles up the back fence, and left it at that.

Other things went missing from the garden over the next few weeks - small items often not worth stealing, like a trowel (also from the 99p shop), a gnome (whatever) and so on. In the meantime our sheds were done over and both of my housemates got their bikes nicked. My housemate Claudia had all the windows smashed in her Audi, which cost her a fortune. Things began to escalate.

The gang of chavs would now often hang out in the street and shout abuse at us. When my housemate Kirsten left her keys in the door while bringing in her shopping, they stole them. When Claudia did the same thing a week later while bringing in her bike (it must have taken about 20 seconds) they did the same thing again. We went through three new locks in three weeks, and the guy at the keycutters was becoming a close friend.

Over the years there were times of uneasy truce - they would pass a spliff through the fence, or I'd sort them out with some serious firewood for the Wicker Man-style bonfires that they held on the greenspace behind my garden, but most often the mood between us was one of mutual and barely-disguised loathing.

I credit them with the inspiration for my getting more right-wing as I get older, because while I was once a fully paid-up lefty, I'd quite happily see these parasites and their dolescum parents marched into a concentration camp after being forced to put up with their shit. A case in point - everyone who lived in my flat had a full-time, well-paid job. We paid £400+ per month rent, plus council tax, plus income tax etc. etc. for the privilege of living in the street. Said chavs are all in council places, subsidised or free. Lo and behold, the council comes round and fits all the flats in the street with new extra-tough double-glazed windows - except for ours and the flat next door, because we were the only private tenants. So basically, our council tax paid for the chavs to get new windows while we were left with old-fashioned huge single-pane-of-thin-glass type windows, which their kids used to come round and break for their amusement. I've lost count of the times we had to board them up - the hammer, nails and wood were always kept handy - and sometimes at night when there were 40+ teenage hoodies outside the flat it was like living through the dawn of the dead.

One bonfire night in particular, I had invited over a couple of my Canadian friends - one who had just married an Englishman - to do a proper bonfire night. I cooked dinner, we had sparklers and we let off a few fireworks in the garden. One of our rockets went up and went bang, and suddenly a chav starts screaming at us from the previously-mentioned Wicker Man inferno across the way. "We've got a baby over here! How dare you let off fireworks!"

Now I was perhaps a little naïve here, I was like, "What? It went up, went bang. Unless your baby is on the roof of that block of flats, there's no problem." Also, from where I was standing I could see toddlers carrying lit fireworks, even a dog running around with a fizzing roman candle in his mouth. I shit you not, this kind of thing was incredibly common in the run-up to bonfire night; even the very smallest chavs would be launching fireworks at each other, or us if we happened to be passing. Anyway, I couldn't understand why our small display had caused this proud father to become so protective of his offspring, considering he was standing in what looked to be a warzone.

Anyway, the mood turned nasty and every single fucking chav on the estate started hurling bricks and fireworks at our flat, putting through Claudia's window and throwing fireworks into her room (she was in bed with her boyfriend at the time). Said boyfriend (ex-army) proceeded to the kitchen to arm himself with every big knife he could find and stormed out to get himself some vigilante justice, but was miraculously prevented from earning himself a 20-year stretch by a passing skinhead with a pitbull who said he'd lived in the street for 15 years and it wouldn't do any good, basically talked him down.

We also had our windows put through by other people's garden furniture and fences - just smashed into bits and thrown. We had fruit, 2p coins, bits of wood, stones, cans, bottles, fireworks, obviously, and even on one occasion a housebrick thrown at us in the street. We've had them sneak into the kitchen and steal stuff while we popped upstairs to get something - twice. We've also had the door kicked in twice, both times I was away for the night else I would have been standing there with a cricket bat, ready to welcome the first chav into our house. On the first occasion my housemate threatened to kill them if they came near the house again so they went and put my car window through instead.

A bit later, and after I'd paid the £50 premium, I bought a "new" car (see below), thankfully still had the old one but was going to retire it. The new car had all its windows put through and then was stolen, apparently by someone else, some time after the original vandalism. I mean, who steals a boxy red 1983 VW Polo with the exhaust hanging off *after* it's had all its glass smashed?

They also managed to infiltrate a house party where they managed to fuck up a set of decks and two stereos and nick a bunch of phones and stuff (discovered later) before refusing to leave, upon being persuaded to leave they tipped over our (gargantuan, shared between four flats) bin all over the front garden. On that occasion we had the last laugh though, as present at the party were the entire staff of both the Good Mixer and the Dublin Castle, who are well-versed in dealing with arseholes, and had been watching from the upstairs window. Fifteen or so burly Aussies and Kiwis burst out of the house and made them pick every piece of rubbish back up again.

There is loads of stuff that I haven't even mentioned yet - stealing a stack of SFX magazines from my car and leaving them torn up all over the street, setting fire to a gazebo and bunting we had for a wedding reception (and which was attached to the flat at the time), smashing up my flowerpots and hanging baskets, stealing a £10 Argos drill (but not the battery pack, the bit that makes it work, as it was plugged in at the time), smashing my neighbour's windows with lemons (wtf?) while she was sitting at home alone, putting shit through the letterbox, stealing post, smashing my coldframe, killing my tomato plants, pulling the drainpipes off the building, crap graffiti, untold verbal abuse and threats, the list just goes on and on and on...oh and they tore down the side of my fence (which I'd had spraypainted by an absolute master of his craft with a massive Batman mural) and burnt it last bonfire night.

And where were the police in all this, you may ask. Well, I got to know all the neighbourhood officers quite well during this time, as well as my equally-harassed neighbours, and every time they said the same thing - "Yeah, we know who they are. We know where they live. There's nothing we can do about it." As they were all under 16 they were still classed as minors, and the police were always quick to remind me that assault on a minor carries a sentence. I asked them if a paintball gun could legitimately be used in self-defence against fireworks, and after laughing they said "No sir, I can appreciate it is tempting, but if they are under 16, you'll still be in the shit." So basically there was nothing I could do except try to photograph the little buggers in the act and email the pictures to the police. The best line I think they came out with was after my car window got broken. They said "You know we have a camera on the street now."
I replied: "Great, where is it?"
They said: "It points down the road there."
I'm like: "Great, that's exactly where my car is parked. You should have it all, can we see the tapes from last night?"
They said: "Er, it's not actually a camera. It's just a metal box on a stick. We can't afford a real camera. But it looks like a camera."
Me: "..."
I installed my own CCTV after that.

So, the moral of the story? I've now been living in Buenos Aires for three months and so far I've not been threatened, robbed or assaulted once. Perhaps it has something to do with the armed policeman who stands on the corner by my house, I don't know. All I know is that despite warnings from my Porteño friends that it's a poor area (many, many times poorer than the place I lived in London) and that crime is high, the only actual crime I've seen here is when my friend got his bag snatched from under a table in a pub in Palermo - one of the most touristy areas of the city. I think I'll come back to London at some point, but the proverbial wild horses couldn't persuade me to live in that area again, I'd rather move in with Pete Doherty.

Length speaks for itself.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:35, 118 replies)

tl;dr

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:37, closed)

cunthorse

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:37, closed)

i got jaret from bowling for soup to shout 'cunthorse' at the cambridge junction earlier this year.
true story.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:44, closed)

there's not enough cunthorse in the world

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:47, closed)

Fuck me a real answer from RL
tldr

;)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:38, closed)

*belms*
Taxi for Deacon?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:39, closed)

he nearly sickburned me

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:41, closed)

You've been well zinged here, brah.
I think you best face facts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:54, closed)

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:25, closed)

This must be a sockpuppet and not the real Rory, doesn't contain enough Congleton.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:39, closed)

figmas' friend is dead, we're all on the choo choo train of grief from congleton

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:46, closed)

Why use one line when 950 words will do?...

( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:09, closed)

it's tedious pooflake
my storys well cool though, not some schoolboy exercise book story about dicks and fannys or whatever it is that you keep banging on about.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:13, closed)

I wouldn't know what your tedious rambling was about...

I couldn't be bothered to read it. However, I'll take your word for it though...considering your pedigree of how many times the general public have voted for you to win QotW...

or even make the best page...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:16, closed)

I'll just wait here...

While you get your handful of bum chums to help you out.

If only they could be bothered to click 'I Like this' then you may do better in this QotW.

I'll click it though because you've made an effort. Perhaps you should delete it now it's been 'soiled'?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:18, closed)

HAHAHA BRILLIANT !!!!! I@M MORE POPULAR THAN YOU ON QOTW
ITS POOFLAKE WINNER ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS !!!


being a winner on qotw is quite the accolade Pooflake
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:21, closed)

Well - you would know...

Oh, no you don't .

You also seem to fail at life too. You're the gift that keeps on giving.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:23, closed)

TWANG CLUB
You're the first person to ever equate being a winner at life with triumphing at QOTW, this is internet gold right here
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:24, closed)

I'm surprised you haven't been more backed up by now...

I applaud you for standing up for yourself on your own two feet. How does it feel? Empowering?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:26, closed)

Didn't notice the ninja edit there - sorry...
I didn't realise that it took so long for your mongish stumps to bash the keyboard.

Feel free to leave a list of your achievements here...

...

or here...


anytime you're ready...



oh.


poor you :(
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:28, closed)

Being naughty stepped doesn't count :)

( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:28, closed)

I'm not in twang club, nor have I ever been anywhere near coventry.
I've also never posted endless crap on a forum, lapping up the attention of fat mentals who've voted me top of the shit pile. I ent run away in tears citing what horrible people have said about my embarrassing efforts to be funny because it's not the usual scychophants lapping it up.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:33, closed)

Well you're half right...

You HAVE posted endless crap on a forum (see OP, and also, OT), and you quite obviously do lap up the attention of fat mentals.

As for the 'usual scychophants lapping it up'. Do you want me to name yours?

No, I don't have to. You know who they are.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:53, closed)

No rory
All you have done is post mindless troll shit at people who make an effort to post stuff on QOTW like the retarded mong that you are. Why don't you just fuck off and play with your own shit somewhere else?
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 10:22, closed)

I'm managing to bat away your perceptive attacks I think for the time being.
What's your secret to being a QOTW winner? Apart from twang club that is.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:29, closed)

Oh I don't want to divulge any 'trade secrets'...

But between you and me, 'not being shit' has tended to help a tad with the old votes...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:31, closed)

Votes on the internet definately mean prizes as we all know.
You seem sadly proud of people clicking a mouse. I'll admit I've never read any of your efforts, they tend to be blocks of text repeating dicks and fannys all the time. I'll never be able to match that mofo
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:37, closed)

Well ditto.

I've also never read any of your efforts...because I was informed by reliable sources in advance that to do so would be a massive waste of time.

Tell me, why did you post this?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 16:01, closed)

It was an amazing story just waiting to be told
I've turned my qotw boat around
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 16:03, closed)

Ha ha!...

Good point scored. I actually 'Lolled'
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 16:07, closed)

Oh wait...

Are you going to have a tantrum?

TOPICAL!!!!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:21, closed)

like you Pooflake
but you seem to be acting like a twunt
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:33, closed)

I'm sorry everybody, you're quite right...

For the past few months I have taken to lurking as I just couldn't bring myself to posting anything for fear of the backlash. *cue backlash*

However, today I've just come back from the pub...I'm a bit squiffy, and I thought I would have a pop back for a change.

I'll climb back into my hole now...bear it no mind.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:37, closed)

it didn't really go as planned did it
You complete spastic
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:40, closed)

You're right...

I was expecting your sycophantic group of suck-butts to come in and help you out. Notable by their absence. Perhaps they’re too busy waving banners about the next time you get stepped, or possibly not giving a quendering fuck about anything you ever say or do?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:56, closed)

It's probably because nobody gives a fuck about anything I type onto the internet. I've come to accept it and live with the terrible truth that it's all just words on a messageboard
You should give that a go, you might get less upset then
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 16:05, closed)

TOO LATE!...

*cries and flounces off to real life*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 16:16, closed)

you boring prick.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 23:21, closed)

Let it be…

I’m really not sure about posting this, considering the amount of detail I am going to provide, even though it does not specifically involve me. Hey ho, let’s crack on…

The date was June 15th, 1968. I was not even an itch in my dad’s nads at the time, yet the present Mrs Pooflake’s Mum was flinging herself thighboot deep into the end of the swinging sixties. You’d be quite flabbergasted to understand that she was a Beatles fan, as I understand a few others shared her admiration of that particular beat combo around that time.

Motherflake-in-law (M.I.L) was busying herself dabbling into whatever young sorts did in the 60’s (If you’re young and unsure about what occured around that time, I believe there are some documentaries available), and was busy partaking in such radical experiences with a girl who was at that time her best friend.

She and her friend had something in common. Rebellion. M.I.L was brought up into a snobbish, almost puritan upbringing, and her friend was part of a very religious family. Sorry, did I say ‘religious’? What I meant to say was quite.fuckingly.bastardly.religious. In fact, her friend’s father was at that time the Verger of Coventry Cathedral. You get the idea.

The free-spirited, short-skirted, screaming at boys’ nature of these strong willed young ladies successfully managed to confuse and appall both sets of parents respectively to their wit’s end. I mean, these girls even occasionally wore leather jackets FFS! They should’ve been locked up.

Back to the date in question. It was a fine summer’s day, and Coventry was awash with the kind of activity that only occurs when people more important than the likes of us can be arsed to turn up…and this day was no different. Our unworthy, preposterous, shitheap of a city was going to be visited by none other than John Lennon (legend) and Yoko Ono (*facepalms*)

They were there on a mission…a mission of peace, togetherness and all that other bollocks they repeatedly bleated about. But how could they fully express their extreme dedication to plant-hugging, hippy crap? …They hadn’t yet conjured up the frankly fruitlooped idea of lounging about in a massive fartsack for yonks in some American hotel room yet, but they were determined on this day to make some meaningful stand.

So what did they do? Throw a sort of ‘Live aid’ event? Nah. A charity auction perhaps? I’m afraid not. What they did instead was plant a couple of fucking acorns that was in some way meant to symbolise love, harmony and no doubt better living accomodation for squirrels or something.

However, the location of this ridiculous publicity stunt happened to be at our very own Coventry Cathedral. So of course, having somebody ‘on the inside’ as it were, my M.I.L and her friend were allowed unprecedented access to these pointless proceedings. They were instantly the envy of their friends, and most of the teenage girls in the country, if not the world. In accordance to the importance of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, They thought they should prepare…

They decided to spend the day getting spacktardedly ratarsed on some home made cider they had blagged. This was the type that has bits of rat-hair and straw in it, and makes you go mental…then blind…then dead a bit.

Once suitably refreshed, they embarked on the Cathedral, snuck through the residential entrance, and barged the throngs of fans and media out of the way. “My Dad runs this gaff, he could have you killed!” My M.I.L’s friend spat at everybody who dared prevent them getting closer to their hero (and Yoko).

Eventually they made it to within a few yards of the couple. “WOOOO! John! Joooooooohhhhnn! I LOOOOOOVE YOU!!!!!!!” My M.I.L squawked, whilst making ‘kissy’ faces and attempting to thrust her hips provocatively at him. “Oi, YOKO! FUCK OFF!” her friend kindly bellowed whilst waving two fingers, just to add her particular ‘panache’ to the happy atmosphere.

They were largely ignored, and the ceremony merrily chuntered to it’s conclusion. Soon, it was time for everyone to piss off and leave the planted acorns under the bench where they had been stuck. The place cleared rapidly after the celebs had departed, and my MIL and her friend celebrated by starting to quaff the scotch from her mate’s dad’s liquor cabinet.

However, soon they were alone…properly alone, inside the grounds that had now long been been locked to the general public, and they thought to themselves ‘What shall we do now…?’

I’m sure you can guess what they did.

In a heartbeat, they staggered out wearily to the bench in the grounds where this statement of world love and understanding had been sited…They dropped to their knees, briefly looked at each other, then promptly dug the fucking acorns up that had been planted just a couple of hours before.

Sometime later, when there wasn’t so much as a twig sprouting from the ground, suspicions started to materialise that perhaps some peace-hating fucker had half-inched the acorns. Everyone felt a bit stupid. My M.I.L and her mate wisely remained tight lipped. The story here states: ‘Tourists dug up the acorns and Lennon had a row with the exhibition organizers over the moving of the bench that had been sitting above the acorn ground". My hairy arse was it 'Tourists'! My M.I.L kept hers for years before it finally got lost somewhere in the midst of time. Her friend, however, also kept hers (They were too pissed to remember who had John’s and who had Yoko’s btw) and she may still have it.

However, at this point the story gets quite surreal. Later on in life, my M.I.L. friend sorted herself out, got into religion and actually ended up spending some time as the Verger of the aforementioned Cathedral. Once, during an interview she was asked her opinion of the acorn theft. She replied: “I have no idea who did it, but it’s a tragic and senseless act” Pfft!

I used to think that my generation was the first to do naughty stuff. I obviously haven’t got a fucking clue.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 1:54, closed)

Adding a good post to this thread is a good idea as it helps to water down the shittiness of rorys original
well done
(King Nightmare, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 9:34, closed)

emvee will be upset if he ever reads this

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:34, closed)

lol

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 14:35, closed)

this is well lol
Soz to hear about your SFX magazines. Did they smash up your Muse CDs too?

You massive vajayjay.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:31, closed)

You have me on ignore...

Does this mean that you won't be able to see that I've called you a blistered shit-cake, cunningly crafted from the arse of a weapons grade bloated mongoloid?

Oh, shame.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:33, closed)

No.
Soz.

Note the brief and to the point qotw answers.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 23:24, closed)

OK...
F.O
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Sat 21 Jul 2012, 10:48, closed)

loving your work bbz

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:15, closed)

Worse than that they took my only copy of 'wake me up when september ends' by american nu punk band Green Day

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 15:43, closed)

The lolwaki brigade is back.
rory and his alter ego account plumsomthingorother.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 16:10, closed)

FFS TMT
Can you not recognise a change of narrative voice? Rory and me are quite clearly not the same person. You prick.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 19:50, closed)

haha
Same account same whining anger.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 10:09, closed)

oh dear.
No anger, just weary resignation that you seem to think that anyone who disagrees with you is a trolling furious prick. It is possible to disagree with people and not be a troll.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 10:25, closed)

So angry.
Really try and calm yourself more rory, although I am quite impressed with the speed you log in and out of your two accounts considering those crabbed retarded hands you were born with.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 14:07, closed)

Dude, he's totally trolling you.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 14:30, closed)

Sorry if it sounds rude
But why didn't take the hint and fuck off somewhere nicer (Basra perhaps)? I mean, years? Seriously?
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 18:03, closed)

never give up, never surrender

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 18:06, closed)

Yeah well there is that, I agree
but still, fucks sake....
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 18:40, closed)

I bet plumdoozer
clicked this.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 18:27, closed)

How's the job going mate
Still having to go to other sites cos that's what your contract says? Does that you a smug feeling of entitlement, you know going to other care homes to wipe shit off the walls, because you're *THAT* good at it. When other shitwipers go on their hols they DEMAND that ringofrye goes to them because of his shitwiping skillz.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 18:34, closed)

Yeah, good.
Hows the lawyer/property maven game going for you?
I do hear that moving to South America is a good way of avoiding some of those pesky charges.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 19:17, closed)

That's excellent, there's nothing wrong with being a shitwiper, life's full of shit, some prick has to clean it.
Lawyering and Propertying is proving to still be strong in 2012. I have no idea as to why you imagine moving to South America will avoid unidentified charges, perhaps you've seen a television program. You'll have to be more specific. It's a continent, comprising of a number of different countries with varying governmental and tax regimes. You thick prick.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 19:59, closed)

What selcouth said. Meant for you if this had happened to you *not* emv. But of course it didn't did it? Fucking word-thief.
EDIT: Wow - found out Rory.
So not only are you an impotent rager, you're a plagarist as well.

Either you tried to post this as some sort of prank, "I'll get the buggers riled up" style (quite frankly there are many more posts which would've had far greater impact that you could've stolen) or much like AB you really do have no originality yourself and have to rely on others ideas/posts/stories.
I'm leaning towards the 2nd option as I can't see you being clever enough to have thought up the first.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 20 Jul 2012, 21:10, closed)

Emvee upset Rory at some point in the past
and to show how not upset he was, he has continued to troll him for months. Rory: Not upset at all.
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 8:32, closed)

i have to fight back my tears just to post anything these days

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:24, closed)

Yeah Rory.
You "got" us all, so good.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:42, closed)

As someone who has no icon your words mean nothing to me
Some of us pay regular contributions towards keeping this wonderful website going, and aren't freeloaders with nothing to say. The only thing that you bring to this party is shit on your shoes.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 13:08, closed)

Hmm.
That's a new angle of attack.
You might want to make sure plumpdoozer is all paid up. Otherwise anything shim says here is null & void too.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 21 Jul 2012, 19:29, closed)

while wanking
like a mentally subnormal chimp
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 10:25, closed)

Your story replies appear to have turned into a catfight.
Sorry about that. I liked your story though, and I'm glad you're away from the little shits.

It kind of puts my next door neighbour's shouty-mental-washingdownhismedswithlager antics into perspective.
( Bats, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 18:49, closed)

Thanks bats
I don't know why they're all trying to upset me.

I didn't move because my hasbro limited edition super Optimus Prime wouldn't let me.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 19:14, closed)

Sorry Rory, but if you live in Dagoland you are now my sworn enemy.
I look forward to the day when Beunos Aries is a smoking radioactive crater and only regret that it wasn't turned into one 30 years ago. Fuck Argentina. Fuck it's retard president, who I sincerely hope gets cancer again. And fuck it's retarded population back into the stone age.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 20 Jul 2012, 20:06, closed)

I am delighted to hear of your suffering you nasty cunt. Have some.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 20:49, closed)

Hi selcouth!
Had the last word in any online arguments lately?
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 1:35, closed)

especially when chicks are involved
if i pretended to be a bird on the internet he'd always be around to fight my imaginary battles
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:29, closed)

hey look we made him respond arent we clever haha now hes the trollandwewinandcandoaweeinourpantiesnahnahwankfeathersblahblahdieyoufuckingdosscowards
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 15:13, closed)

lol

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 15:19, closed)

lol
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 15:30, closed)

worst game of Pong ever
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 15:33, closed)

lololol

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 15:41, closed)

Reposting old stories
is unbearably cuntish.

Edit: I don't know what I like more: the massive hissy fit that has ensued from a predictable list of regulars, or Legless stating the bloody obvious with such grand authority.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 21:16, closed)

Typical Rory

As the cunt-bubble can barely string two words together (unless those words are "Furious Prick") then I had my doubts that this was his work. Grammar, punctuation, writing ability - all pointed to someone who wasn't Rory.

www.b3ta.com/questions/witness/post122427

A straight cut'n'paste which Rory must have had his day-nurse do for him.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 3:51, closed)

cheers
Cheers
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 6:49, closed)

Hahaha
lolwaki generic response to Legless.


lololololol

Shed.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 10:12, closed)

Thank you.
Hope the cold weather isn't finding you atm.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 21 Jul 2012, 9:25, closed)

Angry furious prick who gets annoyed when his generic trolling has no effect.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 10:11, closed)

internet irony, right here.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 10:27, closed)

I'm impressed...
That you manage to type whilst simultaneously rimming your 'special*' friend Rory?

I would have thought it would be off-putting, but with you? Not so much as a typo.

That's dedication.

*special only
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:19, closed)

someone's not agreeing with me online !!!! boohoohoohoo

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:23, closed)

Oh I see how it works now...
You take turns.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:37, closed)

You're totally right there. I would have thought the second line would have given the game away, you know being commanded by my favourite Optimus Prime toy to write my qotw
It's all sailed over your heads, but now I@VE BEEN FOUND OUT !!!!! Either way it's still caused qotwupset, it's a win win
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:22, closed)

Translation.
Wah wah wah.

/doll /pram
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 14:08, closed)

Youre so funny Rory. Fancy catching up for a pint some time soon with some qotwers? We could all have a good giggle.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 15:44, closed)

I'm well up for a pricks b4sh in Australia, we could have it down Daphnes coffee shop, me, legless, the mock turtle, apeloverage, ring ofrye
we could all lol and roffle when you get dropped off by your mum and it turned out you dress as a knight in real life as well.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 16:29, closed)

Seeing you pissed.
Totally worth it. We could even get ClitNinja in for a 2 sec. fanny finger fuck.
Make sure you bring plumpdoozer too.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 21 Jul 2012, 20:00, closed)

i miss captain wow :(

( sanguine badger spirits in the room tickle you like a sneaky prawn, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 22:48, closed)

I like it when you flailing shitcunts all fight.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 21 Jul 2012, 11:56, closed)

revenge
Given what you got last week, I think it only fair that you get some back this week. So well done on the bravery for making another appearance after last week's humiliation. Also, if you are going to plagiarize, you have stolen a good one. So a tentative click for an excellent troll.
(justin(e), Sat 21 Jul 2012, 14:58, closed)

Jesus fucking wept.
all you socially inept keyboard warriors should get a room and just fuck it out. that would be at least some of the Internet virgin problem solved, amirite?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 10:28, closed)

ringofyre and TMT should totes get it on.
TMT would love being wheelbarrowed by Ringo. They make a lovely couple.

Legless could be a stunt cock, just standing there stating the obvious as if it's prized, specialist information: "Ringo- you need to hold him by the calves!, cheers"

RL is a cunt, screenies, I am RL's sockpuppet etc etc.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 10:38, closed)

Oh.
Bless.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 22 Jul 2012, 11:51, closed)

did you take screenies of that, you know, in case I delete?
You could present them as prime facie evidence against me in a court of internet justice. We all know how important B3ta is in real life, right?

Hell, maybe you could even email my boss to tell him I've been disparaging on the internet. I'm sure he'll fire me, so I'd have to leave my compliance job and go wipe arses for a living. You're such a perfect example of how to live a life, I want to be just like you.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 12:23, closed)

Angry internet cunt
is angry.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 22 Jul 2012, 12:43, closed)

He got you good and proper by implying that you might enjoy homosexual relations, though. I used to love jokes like that, when I was about eight years old.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 12:45, closed)

I sure did, didn't I?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 12:53, closed)

no, I was lying - you're just coming across as a toothless, derivative cunt
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 12:56, closed)

oh man.
You really zinged me hard there. Imma gon totes quit B3ta. You definitely beat me.

:'(
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 13:05, closed)

no loss, really - but before you go, give me a second just to try out your cutting-edge humour, see if I can carry it off -

LOL UR GAY LOLOLOL U BUMDER!!!!1!!1
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 13:08, closed)

Your talents are wasted on here HP, shouldn't you be your study wrestling with the first stanza of your latest epic poem
chop chop you've only got another two years to craft it
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 13:13, closed)

Belm more, lil' fella
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 13:16, closed)

you got it bbz.
I'm so proud.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 13:16, closed)

I'm not angry, I'm amused at your internet self-importance.
Did you really email AB's boss? That's a really dickheaded thing to do.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 12:53, closed)

No I think AB suspected another b3tan
I just think AB doesn't realise that interfering with corpses is wrong.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 22 Jul 2012, 19:14, closed)

not everything written on B3ta is true.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 19:48, closed)

Evidently.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 22 Jul 2012, 20:01, closed)

I have a just and fitting idea for punishment
Find out who their supposedly unemployed guardians are, and employ them. Go legit. Start a company and pay them. Inform the DSS they are working for you.

Then sack them.

This will completely screw up their income stream and force them into reams of paperwork to get back to where they were in government handouts. Make the bureaucracy work for you! All you need is their NI number, which an enterprising person should have no trouble obtaining in a legal manner. You'll be down a few quid, but it's money well spent considering the troubles you list.

(Obviously poster has moved on, but for others in the same position...This could work!)
(Zachariah Pardon, pardon. J'AI UNE POUSSETTE, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 16:55, closed)

Well
This is the gift that keeps on giving. Needs MOAR bile and virginity though
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 17:05, closed)

Lawyer



Blowjob
(Parody Bit, Sun 22 Jul 2012, 23:58, closed)

Huh, tedious spastic strikes again
Look, here's a picture of emvee! LOL!

Look, here's something emvee posted on this website! LOL!

God, I wish I could stop wanking myself raw while thinking about emvee! LOL!
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 7:28, closed)