Animal crushes
I was watching that "Tourist Britain" program the other night, and there was a Japanese tour group. My wife said "they're odd aren't they, the Japanese".

So I said she was a racist and should stfu.

Then a woman from the tour group saw a swan, and said it was hunky, and she wanted to marry and fuck it.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 12:11, Reply)

The Bunny Three Way
Me, Cadbury Caramel Bunny, Lola Bunny from Space Jam.
( JebediahSpringfield, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:46, 8 replies)

Wanking and wedding cake…

Years ago, I went to a really weird wedding held at a golf club when I was just 13

At the time, I was just introducing myself to the bliss of unfuddled fwappery, and was choking my chicken to near strangle point at every opportunity, The orgasmic shuddering I felt as I dumped my filthy custard was like an intoxicating drug to me – and I craved the exciting feeling that washed over me as I emptied my salty splooge.

Anyhoo, I was at this wedding, and after dinner (when everyone had gone to the dancefloor) I found myself alone, admiring the wedding cake. I noticed it contained 8 different layers, each named after the sounds of the bride’s favourite farm animals (I kid you not there was ‘Baaa’, ‘Oink’, ‘Cluck’ etc….fuck knows!) yet for some reason I found that quite erotic.

I just couldn’t resist…so after a quick look round I started a quick cheeky 'one off the wrist' as I thought nobody was looking. Unfortunately, I was spotted by two golfers who had crashed the wedding and were in mid argument about who had scored what on the previous hole.

So as I pulled my pud frantically, this golfer approached me just as I shot my electric love bolt, and I was immediately gripped with a deep shame I had never felt before. I pleaded for the men to keep it a secret, saying that surely they would understand such cravings having once been teenagers themselves.

To be honest, they didn’t seem that bothered. One of them just walked up to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said:

“Don’t worry lad, it’s just: Tier ‘neigh’ jerk rushes…”

He then turned to his mate and continued: “Par to who?”
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:44, Reply)

Teenage crushes
Let’s face it, they mostly boil down to wanking into a sock while repeatedly moaning the object of your affections name until you spurt your funky fish-flavored flodge deep into the material.

Doesn’t go down too well if the object of your affections happens to be wearing the socks at the same time.
(Pastabator earned his brown wings with your girlfriend on, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:42, 1 reply)

The girl I wanted to lose my virginity to
Her name was Jane. I was unnecessarily besotted with her. Unnecessary because I met her at Nottingham Rock City, where much coupling has occured, often in the toilets, but I refuse to believe a meaningful relationship has ever been born.

Anyway, long story short, I did the whole angsty thing about how one moment she really, really liked me and the next she didn't want to know (does any of this sound familiar?), assumed that this was the worst thing that had happened to anyone - I was way ahead of my time, Emo wasn't invented for about another 10 years - and then she shagged my best mate at Reading festival, which I dealt with by taking LSD for the first time. Genius. Great night. Can't recommend it enough. Also, James Bond is a homosexual and Oasis were a really good band.

Jane, if you're reading, I know it's wrong to hold you to account for actions irresponsibly taken when you were 18, but I hope your tits fall off.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:40, 1 reply)

Was drinking Earl Grey
in a quaint little coffee shop in Brighton once, minding my own business, counting the seagulls, quietly reading the paper. Then as if from nowhere the place was rammed full of fat American tourists talking loudly and generally getting in the fucking way.

My quiet serenity was shattered. Must’ve been a whole coach load of the inbred redneck brigade. They took up all the available seats and a few of them even perched on the edge of tables. One of them – a particularly fat and sweaty tosser – dared to plonk her fat arse down on my table, sending my cup and saucer bouncing into the air. While at the same time a couple sat at the table behind me, ramming my balls into the leg of my table as they squeezed their big-enough-for-two-sized arses into their seats.

“RIGHT ! YOU FUCKERS ! GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE I GO FUCKING NUCLEAR ON YOUR FLABBY OVER-PRIVILAGED ARSES ! GO ON - FUCK OFF !” I said.

And eventually, when the booming sound of my voice had stopped resonating off the windows, the invaders departed banging on about: “Well, not all English people are polite…”

Worst case of tea-rage crush I’ve ever experienced.
(Pastabator earned his brown wings with your girlfriend on, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:14, 2 replies)

Would you care for some gravy?
I had a crush on a girl in my class at school. From the very first day I saw her I was utterly smitten.

She was beautiful, she really was, she had shoulder length blonde hair and was slim, yet slightly shorter than average.

I was skinny, annoying and had hair like Evan Dando. Well, I would have had hair like Evan Dando if my mum would let me grow my hair long and it was blonde not brown. I had floppy curtains, but that was close enough for me.

We always seemed to get on well, not good friends or anything, but we could always talk easily and as I was an eleven year old boy that was pretty good going.

One of my best friends lived opposite her, so I’d always see her, whether in school or out. She was always there. And I adored her. As the years went by this feeling grew, so did her boobs and I loved her all the more.

Then in about year 10 we were talking in the corridor waiting for class and for some unexpected reason I asked her out. She looked shocked and stood there mouth agape. Then her friends all started laughing and she told me to “fuck off” and punched me in the chest.

I wasn’t too fussed about this. I wasn’t intending to ask her out and really wasn’t surprised she said no. Not a problem.

Then later that day she found me by herself and said “yes”.

Hot dog! I was actually going out with the girl of my dreams. I was so unbelievably happy. However, I was also 14 and didn’t have a clue what to do, so I spent my time ignoring her and playing footie.

Then one lunchtime she grabbed me from the football pitch, dragged me behind the science blocks and we kissed. Tongues and all. After which she stood in my arms smiling at me.
And did I stay and snog her some more? Carry on kissing this girl I’d idolised for years? No, I ran off to tell my mates, preferring to bask in the glory of my minor conquest than to stay and try to stick my hand up her jumper.

Thinking about this later that night, my warped spotty adolescent mind decided I was going to have to take our “relationship” more seriously now we had kissed. We were properly going out now after all. So the next day at school I invited her to Sunday Lunch to meet my parents.

Yep, we’d been seeing each other less than a week, had kissed once and I was getting ready for church and kids. She less than politely declined and dumped me, then told all of her mates.

I had to then endure the entire school putting on crap parent voices and asking to “pass the roast potatoes” and “more carrots, dear?” and other such hilarious jokes every time I passed by.

But I honestly didn’t mind. She was one of the most beautiful girls in the school, she was my teenage crush and my first kiss and all I really cared about was that I snogged her. Woohoo! Get in!

She’s also the reason I had a major thing for the girl in Sabrina the teenage witch, they looked very similar.
I can’t quite explain why I also really rather fancied Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda from the same show though?
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 10:38, 5 replies)

oh dear me...
mark owen from take that. i was the stereotypical young gal who liked "they gay looking one" from boybands whereas now i'm fairly pleased he's manned up somewhat.

nicky wire from manic street preachers. i still would. it's something to do with super intelligent (or at least well-read) men in eyeliner trying to change the world one album at a time...
(PrincessTinkle is charlie brooker's secret wife, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 10:11, Reply)

It was about 1980, she was petite, with short dark hair, and I never knew her name.
A vision of loveliness, she always wore a coat that I’d now probably call plum or burgundy, but back then was reddish-purple and she caught the bus at the stop just after Stoke town centre as I commuted home from school. I was a socially awkward 14-year-old skinny ginger kid going to a Catholic boys’ school and she was the object of my – almost chaste – crush.

Because the ubiquitous coat covered most of her uniform, I never knew what school she went to and because of my shyness I never spoke to her. All I did know was that I wanted to be her boyfriend.

If she found a seat in front of me, I’d spend the remainder of the journey staring at the back of her head – as casually as possible of course so my mates wouldn’t notice and take the piss. If she sat behind me, difficult though that was as “the lads” always preferred the rearmost seats when available, I’d find excuses to look towards the back of the bus and steal glances at her. If she went upstairs, I’d feel a pang of rejection even though she didn’t know I even existed.

I seem to recall that she used to get off the bus in Hanley town centre, outside where Argos was at the time, and I’d feel my mood darken as she got further away and I realised I’d bottled another chance to speak to her. After about a year of this, she stopped getting the same bus and I never saw her again.

Length: It depended whether the Christian Brothers made you one of their 'special' friends.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 12 Nov 2009, 9:54, Reply)

Sarah...
Again, it's in the reply.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 9:26, 5 replies)

Jet from Gladiators
Blimey..she could 'Hang Tough' on my cock anyday!

Truth is, that if I truly ever met her, I would probably splutter total gibberish and blush so hard my cheeks would explode..even after all these years.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Thu 12 Nov 2009, 9:24, Reply)

Sharon Gless
aka Christine Cagney. Oooh, watching her walk down the street on the title credits to that catchy 80s tune...

And Diana Rigg, too....
(__spc__, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 8:36, Reply)

Thank you
My heartfelt and unending gratitude for hours of furtive bashing of the pubescent bishop to:
Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched)
Nyree Dawn Porter (Forsyte Saga)
Sarah Miles (the Servant, Blow-up)
Wanda Ventham (everything...)
Anita Harris (sort of singer)

And an honorary, later-life mention for Patricia Heaton (Everybody Loves Raymond). Definitely. I mean, have you seen the one where they stop having sex? Filthy little thing she is.
(foxbean i am a one in ten, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 4:58, 2 replies)

i get infatuated far too easily
there were too many crushes for me to remember them exactly. i used to have about three at one time and swap them weekly. it doesnt matter if you know them when you're 14.

its incredibly disappointing when they like you back and you get to know them.
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 3:24, Reply)

megan fox
me and a friend were talking about a girl he used to date in high school. her name was megan and we were both a bit stuck for a surname. he had a bit of a mental block and just went for the most familiar sounding name he could.

megan fox? he wishes.
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 3:06, 1 reply)

I thought...
...Jade Goody looked quite hot with her bald head:


(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 11 Nov 2009, 23:37, 5 replies)

Kate Moss - Sounds obvious, but is kinda specific...
Years ago...before the smack, Kate Moss was young, innocent looking, very pretty, and hot as fuck! And to compound it all, she did an advert at one point (Rimmel??), that involved posters of her being stuck up on all the bus shelters. Posters of her, nekkid, except for being wrapped in a Union Jack.

I nearly fell off my skateboard more than once!
( Pixieelf got his 1st front pg. when MJ died! Double Whammy!, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 22:56, 1 reply)

Does one now count?
I have a crush on a lovely young lady in university with me. I am asking whether she would like to escorted about town by myself tomorrow. I shall keep you posted
(The_Reaper, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 22:28, 5 replies)

My friend's sister.
I was 19, friend's sister was 17, friend (female) definitely wouldn't have approved. That was quite awkward. Particularly when sister was really hot and made a point of dressing as slutty as possible, while said friend was quite plain.

It didn't help when friend became girlfriend as a result of some stupid "we get on well and we're bored so we might as well get together" sort of thing. I'm not sure she ever realised why I suddenly decided it was easier for her to come round to my place instead of me going to her place...

I can't be arsed to go into listing the random celebrities I fancied over the years. Imagine any attractive woman on telly from about 1992 onwards and they're probably on the list.
( Dave McF wrote some words on, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 22:07, Reply)

Lynda Carter


Wonder Woman.

The lezzies like her, which just shows their good sense.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 20:48, 2 replies)

My Oh My Christina Amphlett
Christina Amphlett is just amazing you'll all agree so here's a pic to get you lot all hard and wet

www.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,,5789806,00.jpg

I want her to love so i can love myself, when I feel down I want her above me, during the dark times when I'm searching for myself I'm secretly hoping she'll find me and when I forget myself I know she'll remind me.

So to conclude I don't want anybody else, when I think about her I touch myself Oh Oh Oh
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 20:32, 3 replies)

Not on of mine im afraid
So here is one of my sisters' instead.

Back when the first LOTR film came out, I came in posession on my sisters old mobile (hand me down). Insert SIM, power on - welcome message comes up: "EW is hot". Puzzled over that one for a while. Asked friends at school who it could be... then it was pointed out that the initials of the rather old, shouty head of site's initials. I don't think she's ever forgiven me for how fast that went around the school.

It was actually Elijah Wood, but still good for a tease. I believe she is still getting it now.
(stimpy, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 18:45, 3 replies)