The first meal I cooked for myself after leaving home
was pretty bad; I liked roast chicken but there was no way I was going to try that as food poisoning would be inevitable, so I decided just to have the stuffing. I peeled some potatoes and put them on to boil, made up the stuffing following the recipe, realised I hadn't switched the oven on so did that, waited 10 minutes for it to get up to temperature, worked out that the hissing noise I could hear from the sofa (where I was waiting for the oven) was the potatoes I'd forgotten all about boiling over, turned the potatoes down a bit, put the stuffing in and left it all for another 30 minutes for the stuffing to cook.

I'd totally forgotten to put the peas on so decided I didn't need them. After 45 minutes boiling, the potatoes were more of a tasteless sludge with lumps in while the stuffing was lovely and crispy and black on the outside while remaining wet and gooey on the inside. I went as far as trying a couple of mouthfuls as this was the first time I'd cooked my own dinner away from home and it was every bit as good as it sounds.

Then I ordered a pizza and bought my first cookery book the next day.
( S tr app y, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Duck
I was having a baking day, and had heated up the oven in preparation for all the yummyness I was due to prepare. The baking got interrupted and I didn't come back to it for a couple of hours, but couldn't work out why the kitchen smelt rancid.
The cause was discovered when I opened the oven: the roast duck we'd had a couple of weeks previously and forgotten about. The fact that it had been abandoned had already turned it mouldy. Cooking it for 3 hours will probably get me arrested for making chemical weapons!
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:20, Reply)

I was feeling fairly ill one day
while staying with my Dad, although being a moody teenager nobody believed me at the time. At his instruction I'd already forced myself to drink a Lemsip, which is possibly the most vile liquid known to man. Then came dinner.

My stepmum was going through an uber-vegetarian phase (You know the type - thinks her recipe for "Farty bean stew" is the best thing since sliced organic bread) and put in front of me a plate of courgette and mushroom curry, which actually looked like green slop with grey lumps in, on a bed of brown rice. And insisted I eat some or she would be offended.

Needless to say I threw it all up later and then had to try to navigate a horrific train/bus journey that should have taken about 2 hours but actually took 6 including a long walk across Birmingham and back again while running a temperature under the care of my 13 year old sister. I couldn't eat curry of any kind for months.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:19, Reply)

Pot Noodle
Enuf said.

It even makes the BBC Canteen look mildly appetising.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:19, Reply)

Stude Food
When on my uppers as a young student I did from time to time resort to potato soup.

Not so bad? The recipe:

Instant Mash
Far more water than is suggested.
Serve. Mmmmmmmmmm
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Fish-based Swedish Culinary Humour, Part 2: LUTFISK
Cast your minds back to July 2004 where we were quizzed over hated Foods, preceeded by the now-customary "I live in Sweden" I brought you "Surströmming": A Culinary Delight that marries Decay, Rot and Fermentation to deliver an overpowering Fishy aroma and taste that has the welcoming appeal of a fetid dog-fart administered direct to the nose. If the mental image isn't familiar, heres a reminder.
b3ta.com/questions/hatedfood/

So.. That was HATED foods... Here and now we have "terrible Food".. in a plot-twist that even George W could see coming I shall start with ....

..."I live in Sweden"...

...and I'd like to share the true horror that is LUTFISK: meaning "Lye Fish" and sounding like "Loot-Fisk": Consider it proof that Swedes like to have an entry in every category if at all possible, and have a way of defiling most of the sea's creatures.

Unhappy with Blatant Herring-Abuse, The nordic bunch like to violte Cod and Ling on a regular basis aswell. The practice of drying fish was once a necessity in order to store it: cheaper and easier than salting it. (The practice of marrying your cousins and sisters died out when the introduction of the bicycle allowed people to travel with more ease.. but strangely the introduction of readily available salt has not halted *this* equally dubious practice)

Now.. While my Icelandic mates happily chow down on dried Cod, (think of it as Fish-Jerky), The swedes feel compelled to "re-hydrate" thier desiccated fish, and turn it into LutFisk.

First off, you leave your dried fish in cold water for SIX DAYS. Swedes have learnt over time that this doesn't make for tasty food... So the water then gets switched for a lye-and-water solution, in which Mr Cod sits for 2 Days more..

Fish at best is a bit slimey, However this treatment makes the fish Gain volume over it's *original* size. It begins to resemble Jelly: Wobbly and squishy to the touch.

Yeah... Gnarly as it is, we're not done yet.

Your wobbly seudo-Jellyfish is now highly caustic, soaked with lye and tippin gthe PH scale at a fairly heady PH12. This you neautralise by - get this - soaking it in cold water for .. Yup. ANOTHER SIX DAYS.

After playing with floppy fish for two weeks, you're ready to cook it. Boiling it- not surprisingly - is one option..

It should be noted that the instant you're done cooking and *eating this stuff, it is recomended that you clean everything you've been using, asonce dried, it is nearly impossible to remove. Also, It iw well known that you should NEVER use silverware, as the Lutfisk will damage it permanently. -I'm not kidding.

Ok.. I say "eating" but you may choose to use a wide straw; such is the consistancy.

The taste is often descrbed as mild/mellow. A layman's translation of this would be "Tasteless" and "Soapy". After 14 days of soaking dried fish in water and lye, the end result is a tasteless fishy gelatinous-mush, with a slightly lumpy texture Which any discerning pig would avoid.

The thought (and memory) of it is actually making me wretch right now... I'd rather tongue a poodle's arse than eat that stuff again.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 17 May 2007, 14:15, Reply)

Unstable Dan
Hehe, you've reminded me of absinthe abuse in the Hague a few years back with my bro.

Much sampling of the stuff was followed by a train ride to his home in Voorschoten where we picked up our bikes from the station lockers.

I was beyond help at this point, the half mile cycle home was executed on the left (in Holland they drive on the right), I crashed into my brother twice and had to be prevented from cycling straight into a canal.

Evil stuff that.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 17 May 2007, 14:15, Reply)

Pigs' Trotters
Back in the shite old days when I was a pro musician, I did a recital tour in Spain. Whilst preparing for a concert in Jaca Cathedral, we were invited to have dinner with the local Arts’ Councillor. Great! we thought. An opportunity to sample some authentic Basque cuisine.

At the appointed time, we showed up at the man’s house. We’d never met him in person, and I for one was expecting a respectable, sober gentleman in a suit, so we were somewhat taken aback when the overweight, middle-aged man who opened the door was wearing nothing but a pair of ancient, greying boxer shorts and more eyeliner than I would wear on a night out. “Usted es Miguel?” “Si! Si!” Miguel then stepped outside, pulled the waistband of his shorts forward and aired his testicles for a few seconds. Then he invited us in.

Miguel’s wife was wearing a little sundress which she kept clawing at and pulling up. She was obviously unaccustomed to wearing clothes. It became apparent however that she was a brilliant cook. We had just the most amazing dish of tomato soup with mussels, by far the yummiest thing we’d had so far in Spain. But then it was time for the main course…

“Ahora, tenemos los pies del cerdo!”

Stewed pigs’ trotters. By God, they were revolting. The smell alone made me retch. It was like putrefying flesh. They contained no meat, at least not meat as we know it. It was a sort of flaccid, white, glutinous substance, sort of like semi-liquid gristle. I poked at it. It wobbled a bit.

Now normally, if I’m faced with a dish I don’t like, I can make myself eat a bit of it in order to appease my hosts. But these pigs’ trotters were unfit for human consumption. Every fibre of my being recoiled from them. If you’d put a gun to my head and ordered me to take just one bite, I couldn’t have.

My pianist also looked as if he was about to vomit. The semi-naked Spaniards didn’t seem to notice – they were too busy scoffing theirs.

I was totally traumatised by this experience, even though I hadn’t actually ingested any of it. When I got back home, all I could talk about was the pigs’ trotters. It was as if I was suffering from post-traumatic stress. I needed to talk about it.

“How was Spain?”
“Well, there were these pigs’ trotters…”

“How did the recitals go?”
“Did I tell you about the pigs’ trotters?”

“Did you get good reviews?”
“It was like trying to eat death!”

Come back Judaism, all is forgiven.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:14, Reply)

Gruesome Cultural Food
When I lived in Korea I was subjected to some very odd food. Some of it was really nice, and I regularly go to Korean restaurants here in the UK. Some of it was horrid! Probably the worst thing I ate was spicy chicken feet. The yielding gristle-like texture as you bit down into it, the little claw that you didn't see before you put it into your mouth, scraping slightly on your tongue. Bleugh!

I also tried to eat a live baby octopus but it defeated me. They chuck a live octopus into a big bowl in the middle of the table which has a gas fire underneath and boiling water inside. Cue much flailing around on the part of the baby octopus. The waitress then leans in with what could be called scissors but frankly they more like secateurs, and snips the legs off. Then everyone piles in with their chop sticks but when i tried the little leg actually tries to climb up my chopsticks and into my nose. I made my excuses.

Actually its not terrible food, and its not gruesome, its just me being a pansy and refusing to adopt culturally. Or something.

Apologies for length but it was more than a nostril full.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:09, Reply)

OOOHH ABSINTHE
well reminded!
I recently was (un)fortunate enough to sample (forced to drink)Cannabis flavoured 80% absinthe.

I was muntered.
I had to ride my bike home.
Im lucky im not dead.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:07, Reply)

worst. meal. EVAR.
As most of these stories will be, my worst meal was as a student.

I used to ask for any food mum didn't want whenever I went home for a weekend. mum used to fob me off with all the shit she would never use.

One day, whilst totally skint, me and my flatmate cobbled together a meal consisting of

stewing steak; 1 can of.
bombay potatoes; 1 can of.

It was NOT nice. :-(

Next worst "meal" was when someone recommended Pesto to me the other day. Seriously, who the fuck eats that slimy nettle shit?
(mercemployee, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:06, Reply)

It's the moment of realisation that's the worst thing
Back when I had the misfortune to live in Bradford, there was a 'restaurant' (or, more accurately 'cooking hole') called 'Tariq's'. Anyone who went to Bradford Uni around 2001-2003 will be familiar with it.

I only ever went there when pissed. It was a MDF-constructed, filthy, painted bright red, with a menu clearly transported from the 1970s (faded pictures of food with decorative salad items, and ring-pull coke cans). You never saw any rats or mice though, even round the open bins out back. I digress.

My post-pissup snack of choice was chicken pakora with mango chutney. It came in a beige polystyrene box with some 'salad' (chopped up onions and one bit of cucumber). One particular night, whilst wandering home with my mates, eating my Indian delicacy, I started to sober up a bit, and realised that my chicken was, even through the strong spices and red colourant, somewhat small, chewy, and unchickenlike.

Tariq's closed not long after for serving rat to it's patrons. I am in no doubt that I had been eating rat pakora for a good few months.

:(
(Northern Lovely, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:05, Reply)

Germanic crap
A few years ago I was in a restaurant in Germany and ordered a sausage and chips (in german of course), so out it came.
The sausage was like a hot dog style one, and was about 90% water, just nasty!
But to top it off, it had apple sauce with it, and inside this sauce? yup you guessed it smarties.
What the fuck?!
(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Thu 17 May 2007, 14:05, Reply)

Tequila
I've made it my mission to extensively research and sample alcoholic beverages of many descriptions during my distinguished drinking career, ranging from obscure real ales (I'll have a pint of Old Dog's Dick please Mr Barman), to spirits of increasing octane rating (ooh, Absinthe... Yep, that'll be with a cube of burning sugar please).

However, although I left testing Tequila until very late in life I was anxious to see what all the fuss was about so took the plunge a few years back.

Jebus...

The taste was disgusting, although I've never actually tried meths it can't be that big a step from Tequila. The first touch of the liquid on my tongue led to involuntary gurning, it made me pull a face like I'd been forced to french kiss Anne Widdecombe after she'd just finished easting sushi and raw onions.

How people can drink the stuff I'll never know but I can safely report that it makes fantastic cycle chain cleaner, making the oiliest of bike chains all shiny and like new after a through soaking in the stuff. Actually, the reside of grit and mildly toxic Pedros All Weather chain lube probably improves the flavour of Tequila no end.

My next alcoholic pet hate is Cider. Back when I were a lad (aged 15) myself and some friends purchased a two litre bottle of Woodpecker's finest and proceeded to imbibe while slumped against a tree in the local park. At first the taste was agreeably sweet, but after an hour a certain queasiness set in. To my absolute and lasting horror I quickly realised that cider tastes exactly the same regardless of which direction it's travelling through your gullet. I haven't touched the stuff in eighteen years and counting.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 17 May 2007, 14:04, Reply)

Recent Bukkake Orgy!!!*
Was quite tiring, sweaty and hard work... after finishing off - I decided to find something to cool me down and rehydrate myself.

So as I passed the squirming, writhing nakedness of everybody in the room, what did I spy?

A refreshing jug of milk...

It wasn't milk.

*above story may not be true.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:59, Reply)

EVERYTHING IN A POT (tm)
On our first ever lads away all together jolly, down in sunny Somerset, we decided to allay the effects of copious amounts of TEH SCRUMPY by making some lunch.
But, being four teenage lads, we couldnt make up our minds what to have, and there was no way we were all going to cook seperately.
Thusly, we created EIAP (see heading) and put Ravioli, oxtail soup, tinned mince, grated cheese, tinned tomatoes several sauces a tin of potatoes and 6 (six) CADBURYS CREME EGGS.

We were quite queasy for the rest of the day, and much reverse cider was undrank.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Desperate times..
Being a poor student, I had to improvise on several occasions(especially when we had no gas)...

So, cooking frozen burgers in a sandwich toasting machine does work. It just clogs the machine up with vile, sticky fat.

Mmmm
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:48, Reply)

Not strictly food I suppose but...
...a friend and I were home alone aged 10 or so and we fancied a fizzy drink only there was none in the house. So we added washing up liquid to orange squash, mixed it up until it bubbled, and drank it. The sweetness of the barely-diluted squash masked the detergent taste quite effectively. Unfortunately it didn't lessen the effect on our innards.

How two such morons made it to adulthood remains a matter of some astonishment to me.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Frshhh
...you seem to know a little too much about the taste of piss.

Care to explain?
(Gomi No Sensei, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:43, Reply)

terrible food
Once for comic relief at school we made a friend of ours eat "the most disgusting sandwhich ever" it included everything you can possibly imagine from my mums food cupboard including raw garlic, sweets, pilchards, chillies, lard etc. I had it in my school bag all day in a sandwich box. It smelled so bad you could smell it through them both. Poor kid only managed to eat half before he was sick. We never did get any money form anyone! He he we were little bastards!
(nattydread, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:40, Reply)

Fish Stew
This story relates to a family holiday in Minorca about 9 years ago. The hotel food left a lot to be desired.
At dinner there were several different trays of food, labelled with a picture of what animal it had been made from (nice).
One evening, took a mouthful of fish stew. This was the most revolting thing I have ever had the misfortune of having in my mouth and it came very close to reappearing on the table cloth that instant. Needless to say, the rest of the stuff was pushed to the side of my plate and managed to eat something safe like salad.
Cue the following evening, arriving at dinner to find some cutsie innocent-looking bite-sized pastry parcels. Yup, you can guess what they were filled with - last night's fish stew - bloik!!! Without a doubt the worse food, ever.
(NJ, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:40, Reply)

Babysitting...
... for my little cousin one day. I found he was being very very quiet, sitting in the corner apparently playing with lego. On closer inspection he had actually been sucking on a slug. Sucking on a slug so voraciously in fact, he'd sucked it dry. It took some force to prise the corpse out of his jaw.

That's definitely the worst thing I've ever seen someone else eat at least.
(thants, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:36, Reply)

on my honeymoon in the states
i bought a bag of crisps, but being in the USA, it was absolutely massive, so i ate half that day, and put them aside for later.

The next evening me and the wife were sitting in our suite, so I got us some drinks and i grabbed the crisps to finish them off.

after a while of staring slack jawed at the telly, grazing on the crisps and getting slightly sloshed, i noticed my arm was very itchy, so i looked down as i scratched to see lots of ants crawling all over my arm and hand.

fearing the worst, i peeked into the bag to find hundred of the buggers swarming around what was left of my crisps - i reckon i must have eaten quite a few before i noticed :(
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:32, Reply)

I have a habit of eating and drinking crap for money...
Last week, I was paid the princely sum of £4 to drink a half empty can of diamond white we found at the bus stop. I'm fairly sure there wasn't any piss in there.

I also one drank a mug full of hot chocolate, mushy peas, ketchup, mayonnaise, salt, pepper, vinegar, crushed up chips and olives for a fiver. Although I'm fairly sure I was never paid for my feat. Lousy friends, taking advantage of the drunk like that.
(thants, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:29, Reply)

18 Piece KFC Family Bucket...
I cried afterwards.
(wrigglesworth, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:29, Reply)

joggers minge.


:|
(nappy rash, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:28, Reply)

Cordially mine
I was drinking my way through a glass of orange cordial when I thought it tasted a bit off. Not letting that bother me, around half way down I noticed the fat from my Spaghetti Bolognese beef mince had been drained out into the glass (which my ex claimed to have not washed properly). The image (and taste) of beef fat slowly pouring out of the bottom of the glass into my mouth will stay with me forever.
(ed-z, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:26, Reply)

Activated Charcoal
Black Liquid. Hurts the throat ages afterwards. Black vomit. Lots of vomit.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Magyar Lard
Just after this beautiful country opened it's doors to the West, I accompanied two delightful Dutch young ladies for dinner in one of Budapest's nicer traditional restuarants - cheap as chips because of how good the exchange rate was.

We ordered the most expensive thing on the menu (a shocking 300 forints - £3.50). It turned out to be a big slice of lard, covered in batter and breadcrumbs and then deep fried in - more lard. Served with something cold from an animal that I had presumed was never served up for humans - and it made tripe look attractive.

We were too polite not to eat it...... There are Trabants in Budapest that must still be stained from the subsequent vomiting contest.
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:23, Reply)