Mine Is Tamer...
Hoya!

Well, compared to many others there, it is almost funny...

When I was a kid, I loved farm gear; actually, I wanted to be a farmer. I had many of those wonderful toys made by Britains (GREAT toys! Loved 'em!).
I also have a younger brother, who is 9 years younger than me.
Everytime he got hold of my toys, they were broken, thrashed, destroyed (the same goes for books...).

I had this wonderful New Holland combine harvester and he wanted to play with it. Since Britains toys are relatively fragile, I didn't want him to play with it, out of safety...

My dad told me to lend it to my brother.
I refused.
He told me a ouple times more.
I kept on refusing.
Then he grabbed the combine harvester and violently smashed it to pieces onto the ground.
I cried for an hour.

Still to this day, I resent him for that.

Be funky

M A D
(MAD Life -The Best Antidote To Happiness, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 19:25, Reply)

*Jesus gag*

*Maddie gag*
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 19:22, Reply)

Sooty
I once had this cat called Sooty. She was a right fucking slag and got herself knocked up with a bunch of kittens. I locked the fuckers in the cupboard.
That showed her the dirty slag

Love Uncle Kevin
( Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 18:49, Reply)

I didn't want to learn how to ride a bike.
I thought, no, fuck you, I *know* how to ride a bike. Just one with stabilisers on it. Stick them on a bigger bike and I'll be happy.

This terrible injustice was explained to my six year old self but I wouldn't have any of it. So they took me out to a disused airfield to learn to ride a bike, having sawed the stabilisers off of mine. I quickly formed a plan.

I swore loudly at my mum and when she told me off, I said "bollocks!" loud enough for my gran to hear. Then my dad shouted at me and locked me in the car while they walked the dogs.

And I never learnt to ride a bike since.

Punishments are all very well when you don't get what you want out of them...
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 18:17, Reply)

My Dad
used to take me to the cemetry instead of the park because it was closer...

Explains a lot.
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 18:07, Reply)

A friend of mine...
Used to live in Wales, next to a prison. His dad would take him for a walk round the block most evenings before bed, and every time there was a woman outside the prison walls, shouting:

'KEVIN! KEVIN!'
A light would then flick on in the prison, and shouts would be returned:
'SHARLENE! SHARLENE!'
'OH KEVIN, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!'
'I LOVE YOU TOO, SHARLENE!'
etc etc.

One evening, he was strolling round with my friend in his pushchair, when he noticed a distinct absence of Sharlene. He began shouting:
'OI! KEVIN!'
Light flicks on, Kevin replies,
'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!'
'KEVIN! I'M BANGING SHARLENE!'
Then all you could hear is prisoner going nuts inside his cell, screaming profanities from the window.

How responsible is antagonising prison inmates with your young child in tow?
(Merrep, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 17:27, Reply)

My Dad...
..Did have a few faults (see numerous posts below)

But on the other hand he had a fucking massive stash of porn that he just couldn't be arsed to hide. I was 'wise in the ways of the woman' looong before my mates - and as a 6 year old avid reader of 70's skin-mag 'Knave', 'Mandy Moore' means a whole cumbubbling lot more to me than some gobshite pop singer let me tell ya!

He also introduced me to the joys of alcoholism....(good thing or bad thing? you decide) and although nobody in the world seems to agree with me, I'm sure I got my combination of singing voice and nuclear blast gob volume from him.

Also, now he's passed retirement, about half my height, 2 out of his 3 kids have done alright for themselves, he's got a few bob and hasn't got the weight of the world on his shoulders (apart from mum), he's now a top bloke.

This QOTW has shown me that without question, there are a shed-of-sheep-shit-load of people in the world that are waaaaaay more cunty than he ever was. Hopefully that goes the same for some of you other B3tards out there.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 20 Aug 2007, 17:23, Reply)

taking away the enjoyment of porn
My son lives in Australia and is being raised by lesbians (long story). He is being bought up in an environment where the gay lifestyle is the norm and all heteros are cnuts so I suspect his full enjoyment of watching 2birds rubbing each others soapy tits, licking each others juicy plump lady parts before introducing the 12" toys and a 3rd female party and all coming together in a crecendo of ecstasy and babyoil covered orgasms will be somewhat impaired.

Mrs spikeypickle2B is very close to dropping babyspikeypickle2 and I fully intend to be the best dad possible - even better than my dad and he's a firkin legend! In fact I have nothing bad to say about either of my parents coz they are lovely lovely people :0)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 17:02, Reply)

CaptainCuntyBollocks...
'What goes around, comes around'

Let's hope that something like a baseball bat or chainsaw 'goes around' that cunt's fucking head, and then 'comes around' again to finish the job.

Apologies for that peeps, I'll get back to attempted funnies in a mo...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 20 Aug 2007, 17:02, Reply)

Uncle fun
May have mentioned this one before, but my uncle forced his five sons to cut up their Christmas bikes with hacksaws because they woke him up on the morning of the 25th.

Like father like son. His father was woken from an afternoon nap by the day old chickens my mother had brought home. He threw them all against a wall, killing them instantly. And he molested his eldest daughter.

Happy families.
(frankspencer, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 16:58, Reply)

Thoron...
I thought you wrote "terrific" for a second. In reference to his name, of course...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 20 Aug 2007, 16:54, Reply)

CaptainCuntyBollocks...
That's absolutely horrific...
(WittyUsernameHere, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 16:42, Reply)

My dad is a lot more tolerant now but in the past he was…shall we say…a ‘tad’ racist. (2)
Personal development class

We were to be taught on racism – The teacher opens the lesson with:

“Does anybody know another name for a coloured person”

A few hands go up, mine included.

Somebody was picked out: “Black, miss”
Teacher: “Ok then, any more”
Somebody Else: “Nigger, miss” (A few giggles)
Teacher: “Okaaaaay, Erm, any more?”
Somebody Else: “Coon, miss”
Teacher: “Right, now let’s discuss…..” (here I believe she starts to regret beginning the lesson in this manner)
Me: “Miss, hold on, I know loads more than that” (more giggles)
Teacher: “Oh dear”
I then proceeded to reel off every single racist descriptive comment I had heard in my bulging vocabulary - all learned from my dad. I had ‘em all – not a single race, colour or creed was omitted from the onslaught. For a second it felt good to have more answers than anybody else. I thought there might be a test or something…

I really was that much of an arse-chewingly-dim-jizz-for-brains.

I was sent to the headmaster's office for a verbal kicking.

Cheers again dad.

I told him about it when I got home. He was proud.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 20 Aug 2007, 16:12, Reply)

not mine but my uncle
My cousin told me this horrible story a few years ago:
My uncle kevin (mothers bro and fucknutting cuntiod of the century). My cousin had a beautiful cat call sooty which got pregnant. But my uncle didn't want anymore animals so instead of just giving the kittens to a good home he waited till they were about 3 weeks old and locked them all in a cupboard. Sotty was going mad to get at them cause the poor kittens were crying there tiny hearts out but he waited till they died and threw them in a ditch somewhere. What a cunt.

BTW when his daughter (my long suffering cousin) got raped by the old man down the street he belived the old man over his daughter and the police report. My dad made sure he knew where the truth was coming from when he paid a trip to his workplace and threatend to tell all his work mates that he didn't mind his daughter getting raped.

Long and short of it: A cunt
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:59, Reply)

While I'm posting away....
She never made us brush our teeth either and it's cost me fekkin' hundreds in dental work.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:55, Reply)

Dave Likes Cheese reminded me of these.(Hey, that rhymes!)
My dad is a lot more tolerant now but in the past he was…shall we say…a ‘tad’ racist. (1)

I was 6 years old…Our school informs the ‘rents that they have arranged an ‘exchange visit’ with a local school filled with predominantly Indian and Pakistani kids. The idea was simple, they come to us for the day, then we go to them for the day, we play together, eat each other’s different foods (for us Dahl(?), for them fish fingers), and have a few lessons sharing culture and basically breaking down some barriers and coming to the conclusion that we’re all not so different really. (I’m going to start singing ‘We are the world’ again)

My dad finds out…and storms the school.

Dad: “I’m not having my son go to some fucking wog school”
Headmistress (HM): “Please Mr Oldfartflake, the whole school is participating. Every single person. It will help bridge the cultural…..”
Dad: “Not the whole school…The whole school except my fucking son, which, unless you didn’t hear me the first time, is NOT GOING TO A FUCKING WOG SCHOOL”
HM: “Could you please let me know exactly why you are so adamant?”
Dad: “I don’t have to explain myself to you…but I don’t want them wogs fucking my kid up”
HM: “I completely understand, Mr OldfartFlake. Pooflake will not go.”

Apparently, the Headmistress also told my dad: “Mr OldfartFlake, I agree with you. You are NOT a racist.”

Mmmmf? What in God’s bollockcheese was she thinking (or reading earlier posts about teachers, perhaps smoking?)

I spent 4 days of the year completely segregated from the rest of the school in a military style operation that led to me not making contact with anyone other than white folk.

What the teachers thought of me or my dad was anybody’s guess. Unless they felt the same way of course.

And think of me what you will...but I actually got to try some Dahl...and I thought it tasted cocking rank. In fact, exactly what I'd imagine diarrhoea would taste like. EEuuuwww
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:52, Reply)

What's all this IQ bollocks?
The thick fuckers still shouldn't be doled out thousands of our tax pounds to spend on shite and goodies!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:50, Reply)

It's all coming back now...
In return for being allowed a skive day off school I had to hoover the floor (I have no idea how I talked her into that one).

The hoover cable had been previously severed and re-joined using only wire-twisting and electrical tape and came apart when caught and stretched. Unable to finish the job in hand, I started to tidy the cable up and ended up getting an almighty electric shock from the bare wires on the end still plugged in. I phoned mother dearest at the office to tell her what had happened and received her sagely advice of "rub your feet on the carpet to take the electric out of you". WTF???! The carpet was wool anyway!!
This comical advice was then followed by telling me to get my brother to fix said cable when he got home so I could finish vacuuming!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:48, Reply)

pedants corner again
depends what average you use.

mean would be total IQ of the nation divided by the number of people. not necessarily the half way point.

median is the middle value

mode is the most frequent value
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:47, Reply)

Re: Porkylips
My mam once locked us out of the house and pissed off somewhere in the car for a hour and a half after we'd done something or other. We were (thankfully) clothed apart from only having socks on our feet..

The dosey bitch failed to remember that we were teenagers with out own housekeys by then so we were having a cup of tea and a smoke by the time she came home. hehehe.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:40, Reply)

Discipline difficulty
Mam found it hard to discipline us through our teens as she's a bit dinky and we were much bigger. She increasingly implemented makeshift weapons when hand-smacking failed to raise more than a chuckle. These include;
(All pretty much justified mind!)

Throwing an empty corned-beef tin at my brother and slicing her own thumb to the bone (thankfully it narrowly missed his head).

Breaking a wooden washing-line prop over my brothers back. (He'd taken her car for a spin - aged 13).

Smacking me over the head with a biscuit in lid, must have been 'edge-ways' as it gave me concussion. (I'd opened the "Christmas biscuits" in November - I still ask my wife if I can open the 'christmas' biscuits)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:34, Reply)

Out-pedanting the pedant
No, 100 is average (between 90 and 110, to be even more precise) -- however it is re-calculated periodically. And it would appear that believe it or not the world is getting smarter, or at least better at taking IQ tests. It's all on Wikipedia, so it must be true.

I love how they have separate gradings for 'moron', 'imbecile' and 'idiot'.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:31, Reply)

Horrid Manager
I once worked with a woman who boasted that as her children hadn't done the washing up or made beds she had forced them to stand in the garden wearing only shorts and t-shirts. It was the middle of a Geordie winter and the temperature was on average -3 and it was snowing. The kids had the last laugh though. They ended up in hospital with pneumonia and she had to waste loads of her holidays visiting them and caring for them when they came out again.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:22, Reply)

It's Pedantry Corner!
The average IQ these days is 115.

Sorry.

but yes 50% of the public are still below average.
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:19, Reply)

Just had a thought
re Rachelswipe's story below about layabouts being given wads of cash to furnish their houses.

I think it would be a good idea if councils appointed "personal shoppers" to go with the grant recipients on their shopping trips and make sure they buy carpets, curtains and the like instead of Sky boxes and flash tellies. I'm sure they'd save enough money to justify the extra salary.

And I'm maybe being an elitist snob here, but it worries me that someone with an IQ of 100 seems pretty dim. The most worrying thing is that is, by definition, the average, so about half the population are actually less intelligent than this.

(Yes, I know that high IQ doesn't make you a better person, and also the converse. I'm just sounding off)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:17, Reply)

I got off lightly!
i thought my childhood had been pretty shit and that real full-on abuse was rare until i read about all you poor feckers!

My mother had her moments, but seems to have held back all her fucked-up'edness until we'd left home...
Since we flew the nest she's;

Fucked my stepfathers best mate - in the house - while my stepfather was in bed asleep. (I actually think the sick fuck knew all about it and let them because he couldn't get it up). I should point out that this 'mate' was a 'Thalidomide' so he had fucked up arms like chicken-wings. It's perhaps cruel of me, but I think this adds insult to injury. Fucked up cripple arms hardly scream 'SEXY' do they?

The stepfather died, causing an end to this affair and (probably through guilt) my mother hit the bottle big-time and is still in it 5 years later.

She couldn't afford to keep their house (no insurance to pay off mortgage) so had to sell and move into a council place - no shame there. She ticked all the boxes to get full rent benefit for several years, although she got about £40k from the house and ended up in court for fraud. (She's now half-way through a suspended sentence).

As I said above, it's more wierd because she was pretty good (read: normal) when we were kids. I'm a trainee accountant with no criminal record and a perfect credit score!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:06, Reply)

my friend zara
is a health visitor in tameside, and she sees some pretty grim things. most of it is ignorance, not violence, thank god, but the sheer mind blowing stupidity of these people makes me wonder how they ever worked out how to have sex in the first place.

take this example - the family had got a £2,000 grant from stockport council (yes, ihaverunoutofcoke, THAT is where your taxes go) for new carpets. when zara got there for her next inspection, the baby was still crawling around bare, dusty floorboards with nails sticking up.

but it was ok. she was crawling towards their shiny new 40" plasma tv.

and there was another woman who was given a grant for a £3,000 new kitchen. she spent the ENTIRE LOT on taking her kids to blackpool and on designer clothes for the baby. zara nearly cried when she saw that this woman had spent £300 on a suit that the baby would no longer fit into in a month. she obviously meant well, but jesus.

surely there's got to be some kind of argument for chemically castrating those with an IQ below 70?!?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 15:03, Reply)

Not me or mine,
Not me or mine, (although both my folks were raving nutters constantly knocking 10 colours of crap out of each other, and I spent to long in and out of foster care as a bairn). but this was something I was involved in so I got to have a front row seat for this.

I sit on the kiddy's courts in my part of the world (The Panel, for those in the know)....., and as such get to see and hear some major league shit on a twice monthly basis.

I don't smoke or drink (f knows why not) and I have a pretty good home life with one happy little Miss Matter constantly singing, dancing and being a happy (I hope) 10 year old girl. However I digress, as is my way..........

Delinquent twunts are not to much of a problem. but it can make you weep when you have to deal with kids on care and protection grounds.

One that will live with me till the day I die involved a little girl who was in foster care because "Ma" was a smack head.

Rehabilitation had went well and the bairn was all set to return home as "Ma" was getting better????

We were all set to vary residence back to "Ma" (we have a result thinks us, this one's going home, wa heyyy)... when little girl's hand comes up and she asks to talk to us on our own, as she is allowed to do.

Everybody was asked to wait outside whilst we heard what the child had to say (there are three members in a panel so we get diverse views and we don't get hung decisions and there must be a mix of the sexes).

So this little girl who was the same age as my daughter (who was 8 at the time) sits in front of three grown up strangers and states right out that she wants to stay in foster care because the folks there were looking after her better than her "Ma" could.

How crap must her life have been at home for an 8 year old to say that to strangers???

I still can't shake the thought of any kid wanting to live anywhere other than with their own folks (and by and large they all do, good or bad).



She stayed in foster care.
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 14:39, Reply)

Lamest weapon ever
As well as the usual arsenal of glasses of fruit juice, knives and coasters, my dad threw a kiwi fruit at my mum.

A kiwi fruit. One of the softest fruits around. It's even furry, for fuck's sake.

Now, if he'd thrown a flightless bird at my mother, or even a large man from New Zealand, THAT would have been entertaining. But a Kiwi fruit? come on...

EDIT: and he missed too. From about a metre away.
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 14:36, Reply)

A good few years ago now, I had a girlfriend with a couple of kids.
She was a few years older than me, but most of the time it wasn't a problem.

One day, on the way home from a week in Devon, the kids were fighting and arguing in the back, tempers were getting frayed, and my girlfriend, after vainly trying for hours to get them to stop finally screeched out "If you two don't shut up RIGHT NOW I swear I'll drive this car off a cliff and kill us all!"

Everyone was quiet after that, especially me.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 14:16, Reply)