Tommy (the hairy little shit)
I met the strangest, weirdest, most fucked-up person in the world after about a week of living in London. (They seem to flock to me like flies round shit, or kiddie-fiddlers at a primary school). I pulled this teeny-tiny girl in Fabric and she took me back to her place for some horizontal tango, squishtastic, DNA-swapping related shenanigans. Her name was Kathy and she was, as I’ve said, bloody short. Just about came up to my tits. But she was also perfectly formed. I recall in the taxi going back to her’s God, I hope she isn’t fourteen.

But all that was forgotten when we ended up at her flat and she took me to her bedroom and got her kit off. I was presented with the finest most perfect set of knockers I have ever seen in my life. They were just... there... even after she'd removed her bra they remained in exactly the same position of perfect pert loveliness. I very nearly wept with joy before burying my face between them and trying my best to suffocate myself. Fastforward a bit - shagging. Trying my damdest not to spluff after fourty-five seconds. Failing miserably. Continuing anyway. Feeling a bit of beer sick stick in my throat. Holding in a monumental Stella fart. Etc...

It was the following morning when things started to get a little odd. For a start I woke up not having a fucking clue where I was in a massive new city. I panicked a bit. The entire Oystercard thing may as well have been written in Swahili and the tube map still resembled the splattered innards of Jeffrey Dhamers last house guest to me. I didn’t have a fucking clue how I was going to get home. Then I noticed the supple body of the girl lying next to me. Being a gent, I prodded her sleeping form in the back with my morning glory until she woke up, and we started on round two of hide the salami. No sooner had I sprayed my load over her pubes, Kathy sat bolt upright and said: “Oh my God! Tommy!”

Bugger... Tommy was either a) her boyfriend, b) her son, or c) her dad (shit! She REALLY IS FOURTEEN!!!)

As Kathy rushed to the bedroom door I was struggling into my cloths. She opened the door and Tommy swaggered in and jumped onto the bed and stared at me. I stared back. I considered introducing myself, but that would’ve been a bit too weird. Instead, Kathy introduced. We continued to stare at each other. My God, he was fucking ugly. Hairy little bastard. Demonic eyes... Tommy was a Highland terrier.

“What do you think?” Kathy asked. I started to speak but she cut me dead: “I wasn’t talking to you!” Tommy continued to stare. And stare. And stare. Then he let out a happy little bark and fucked off out of the room. “He likes you! Great! Now, what would you like to eat?”

Hmmm, breakfast. Fit naked girlie. No fucking clue where I was. Looks like I’ll be hanging round for a bit. So we had breakfast. It was then I realised Kathy was spending more time talking to the dog then me. Fair enough. She knew the dog better. But it was more the sort of thing she was saying: “Do you think my blue dress goes with my red shoes? Oh, I forgot to tell you - you’ll never guess what happened to me at work yesterday! That bastard Mark telephoned! Cheeky cunt!” And so on. And all the time Tommy sat there and, well, just acted like a dog.

Eventually, feeling my arsehole flutter and my weirdo detector go all the way up to red alert, I said: “He’s only a dog....”

And Kathy did a pretty good impression of a nuclear reactor hurtling into meltdown. I sat and gaped. And then, quite suddenly, she calmed down: "Dogs are people too," she said. Then she went on to explain how the shady 'powers that be' are keeping the supreme intelligence of canines a secret from the masses and only a select few 'dog people' truly understand how intelligent the little critters actually are. And - on account of her wearing only a flimsy vest top so I could see her erect nipples poking through the fabric - I sort of saw it from her perspective.

Then started the weirdest week of my life. (I don't do one night stands, never have, can't ever seem to get away after doing the dirty deed without dragging the fuckers out to mini one or two week long relationships). Kathy proceeded to take me out and show me London. Tommy would come along. Infact, Kathy would ask Tommy where he'd like to show her new boyfriend, the dog would growl, raise a furry eyebrow, or generally just sit round and lick his balls, and in doing so would somehow communicate his desired location to Kathy.

She was absolutely fucking nuts. But it sort of worked on account of her being incredibly fucking hot and me being incredibly fucking shallow.

Then, after about a week of frantic canine-induced sightseeing and even more frantic semi-midget sexual intercourse, Kathy and I were lounging in bed one night and - as she reached for my boner - said: "Wouldn't it be nice to let Tommy in the bedroom?"

I had to think about this for a moment. Still didn't compute. Had to think for another moment. Then I said: "What? You want me to fuck your dog?"

And that was the end of that. Tossed out on the street with my sparse belongings in a Sainsburys carrier bag. Never to see Kathy again. It was only on the way back to Borough tube station (I'd learned the tubes by now, yay!), I realised she was probably going to be doing stuff with the mutt. And then on the Northern Line all the way back to Camden Town I sat with a semi-stiffy, trying to imagine how my crackpot newly ex-girlfriend of a week would probably be in her flat with her gorgeous perfect breasts just there, allowing herself to be violated by a fucking Highland terrier she really did treat as 'people'.

There's just no fucking justice in this world.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 16:54, 23 replies)

I feel saddened that one day
There will be a world without your stories.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:05, closed)

Thanks, mate
This is my one and only for this week - can't top this fruitloop from the ranks of weirdoes I've encountered over the years.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:30, closed)

No!
Say it ain't so!
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 8:56, closed)

It's true though...
...every week I think long and hard and dredge up memories from years ago to find a fitting story, and you always seem to have something apt, funny, and also filthy.

Bah!
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 17:41, closed)

There's a girl who lives near me
alone in her flat with a great big male dog

doesn't take much imagination to work out what's going on there
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:06, closed)

Dog fuckery
What?
This single woman is unable to find a man so she must satisfy her urges with a dog? Really, is this where you are going with this?

Or maybe she likes owning big dogs so that dickheads on the street don't hassle her when she dares leave her house without a man.
(zathrag, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 17:33, closed)

No, it's definitely the dog fuckery.

(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 23:16, closed)

Click for the
'You want me to fuck your dog?"' even if I'm not precisely sure how this is a conspiracy theory, unless the world is out to get you by sending you perfectly formed crazy people
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:07, closed)

I've just put the conspiracy bit in now with a quick ninja edit...
This post is completely true. Even the bit about Kathy (name changed as I fear she and a pack of super-intelligent hounds will hunt me down and slaughter me)wearing the see-thu top while she explained all this bollocks to me, which is probably what I was concentrating on when I wrote the post.

Like most blokes, I'm a sucker for a nice pair of tits.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:10, closed)

For?
on
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:15, closed)

That explains
it nicely. Maybe crazy people are better looking? If they have crazy parents/ancestors, they'd have to be pretty hot to get their genes passed on. Who could ever accuse me of reading too deeply into things
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:17, closed)

Dunno how true this is,
but apparently an old friend of mine got ass raped by the family Alsatian. So the story goes, he'd just got out the bath. Stepped out the bathroom with just a towel round him. must mention here, he was a short guy.Maybe he was a distant relative of the window licking bint you've just described.
Anyways, he exits the bathroom, and the family mutt is there, panting and looking a bit crazed. The next details are a bit fuzzy - I got told by another guy - but the dog went for him. He thought it was going to savage him, but it managed to get him on his front, and do the beast with two backs (fnarr fnarr) with him. Alsatian lipstick up the Marmite motorway.
As I say, I dunno how true this was, I wasn't such a cunt (then) to casually drop it into convo with the guy. Every time I saw him since then though, I just had this image of doggy rape :)
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:10, closed)

*splutter*

( rofl harris, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:27, closed)

I doubt the dog actually "got in" to be honest
... but he sounds like a hound with discipline problems to me, anyhoo.

I lived alone with two fuck-off huge German Shepherds - still have one of them. Never have they attempted to do the wild thing on any part of my anatomy or indeed anyone else's - well trained that they are. Dogs "play mount" other dogs (and people) due to complex issues but mostly based on pack order, innit.
My bf's guide dog however - well, this current one's a leg hugging looney in a way that never includes the shagging motion as such, but bf did also have one years ago who got onto the bed and tried to join in the lovins that he was enjoying with his then gf by jumping on my bf's back and giving it plenty. And the dog was a she dog.

Makes you wonder what they're teaching them at Guide Dogs for the Blind !
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:52, closed)

Its that David Blunkett
He's a bad influence
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 20:26, closed)

Haha!
Big click for 'horizontal tango'!
(MrNorm, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:19, closed)

You should write a book of these matey

( The Coast Of Yemen, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 17:59, closed)

Aren't
they known as marmite dogs - due to how they tend to be used to entertain their owners? Y'know - spreading of marmite on to certain bodyparts which is then removed by a canine tongue...
( lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:28, closed)

In Japan, "butter dogs"
apparently in films they get paid more than the women
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:59, closed)

kind of reminded me
another tale of youthfull perky bosoms tainted by madness
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:19, closed)

oh and mrs spimfs poodle crept up on me once
and stuck his (freezing bloody cold) nose up my arse when i was on the vinegar strokes

little bastard

i think next weeks question should be about loopy people and their pets
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:25, closed)

Excellent work
What more can I say? Great stuff.

*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 28 Aug 2009, 11:06, closed)

*click*
Brilliant, mate.

Oh, and: "it sort of worked on account of her being incredibly fucking hot and me being incredibly fucking shallow". Been there.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 11:21, closed)