Had a shite time in Amsterdam
The only time as an adult I crapped myself was in a Amsterdam camp site when i was 21.

Woke up. Needed a poo desperado. Waddled to the toilet block to discover there was a QUEUE!

By the time I found relief I shat myself a bit already. And as I didnt want to carry a pantsful of kack back to the tent I flushed my boxers down the pan.

Later on that evening the whole block had to be closed off because of a blockage. Whoops.
(radio_shak has questions, got answers, on, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Not
exactly astonishing, but a luvvies' club I occasionally go to in Soho has toilets that are usually good for about half a line's worth of Sir Charles Charlie Charles if you run your finger along the shelf above the cistern.
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:34, Reply)

All snakes in Morocco are poisonous.
Yep, Eponymous is right, on the way up Mt Toubkal on a beautiful clear morning enjoying an amazing view. About to settle down for long awaited curling-one-off, since the immodium had finally stopped.

... and then seeing a bloody great snake shoot out right between your feet. Scared the crap out of me. Literally.

I also saw the dunny in the refuge on the way down. Since we had to peg it down from the top of Toubkal in the middle of a hugely violent storm, having ascended by the 9 hour route rather than the usual path, no one was going to stop me going to stop me going in anywhere, boots on or not.
(Stop, look, listen - Pheeeel. ...most turnin', stormin' sound of soul, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Guest poo
My boyfriend's best mate came to visit from Scotland so we went out on the lash with a few of my friends. Twelve hours and four bars later Scottish boy gets off with one of my friends and they head off to her place to enjoy some intimate relations. I got a whispered phonecall from my friend the next morning. Too drunk to perform, he had crashed out and dumped in her bed. Diarrhoea. Vats of the stuff. All runny. She was in tears. She had to get a new bed.
(ShockerMocker, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:27, Reply)

From the other side of the fence
Yegads... the things I've seen, burned into my memory! I used to work for that bastion of good food, MacDonalds. Cleaning the toilets was all part of the job for me, but we used to have all sorts come in... I've found people having sex, snorting drugs (one guy even offered me some- how generous of him!), although the ones who actually drop the Cosby kids off at the pool are left alone. Although one case stands out in my mind. A guy comes in- a complete and total tramp, who makes a beeline for the bogs. Fair enough thinks I, he needs to take a crap. I get on with my work, only to notice that a queue is building up. He'd been in there 10 minutes by that point. I bang on the door. "Are you alright in there?" asks me, the concerned staff member. "I'm... I'm fine! Just a minute!" came the shocked response. "You've had ten already" says I, needing to shift this queue. "Please come out now" I ask, quite politely, but you'd think from his response I'd have asked him to wank in public. When he came out, from the way he was walking it was becoming clear to me he'd actually been wanking in the toilet. I should have brought him a cup of tea, come to think of it, and then left some chilli for him. Luckily I left that job soon after, got drunk, but now I find myself
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:24, Reply)

Indian loos are class
In some back-of-beyond town in India I needed the loo, so was kindly escorted through the kitchen of this 'hotel/diner' (black walls, open fires, proper Dickenzian kitchen boys, the lot), THROUGH the sink (actually waded through the pot-washing going on at the time), up loads of rickety ladders & stairs, to a traditional hole-in-the-ground loo (4 floors up, you have to wonder where the poo went?!). As soon as I'd evacuated (as quickly as possible), I found I'd been locked in, and had to buy my way out with 3 Rothmans. Happy to be free , and after a wade back through the sink in the kitchen with shitty shoes, reunited with my beloved, we opted not to eat there after all...
( 0nyx, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:23, Reply)

Ah Glastonbury...
If anyone has been to Glastonbury, they will know the joy of using the 'longdrops'. For the uninitiated these consist of a row of toilets suspended over a huge pit, into which everything drops. By the end of the festival they are usually pretty pongy. Also, you need to bring your own toilet paper.
Being the clever guy I am, i thought I could make it the whole weekend without needing a 'number two', and so did not bother with any toilet paper. By sunday afternoon my guts were aching and so after catching the first 20 minutes of David Kitt's set, I had to run to the longdrops. A painful 40 minutes later I was done, and eager to get back to see if I could catch the end of the set. Unfortunately I had nothing to wipe up with...
After deciding the laminated pages of the pocket guide I had would probably not be a comfortable idea, I remembered that, due to the large amounts of water around the site, I had worn two pairs of socks.
So now every time I find an odd sock in my drawer all I can picture is my poor green sock with 'Wednesday' written on it, floating around in the sludge of the longdrops in the Acoustic field.
(Sin, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:23, Reply)

what is it with morocco?
The lodge 3/4 way up Mt. Toubkal, they make you take your shoes off before going in. So you have to use the squat toilet in bare feet. Yum.

my socks got wet
( eponymous Oh!, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:17, Reply)

Morroco again
I stayed at a Youth Hostel in some god forsaken town. The hole in the floor loo was the deluxe version in that it was positioned directly below the shower.

If you went for a shit, the foot holds would be wet with water from the shower.

If you went for a shower your bare feet would be next to the stinking hole.

God help you if you dropped the soap.
( Cactus 1 doesn't care what you think on, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:14, Reply)

i pissed in a mosque

( eponymous Oh!, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:06, Reply)

A couple of years ago
Went to a bar where my best friend's boyfriend worked with a few mates. We all went to the ladies (as you do) and as the lock was dodgey I held my lil friend lisa (shes well under 5 foot)'s door by puting my foot under the door and pulling it up and towards me.
Unfortunatly the door came off its hinges and fell on her at an odd angle wich wedged her on the loo under the twisted door.

My friends bf had to come and rescue her after 10 minutes of laughing at her.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:06, Reply)

when i was at ui i went to see a friend of mine over in guildford
who was at uni there, i was introduced to a nice french girl who was a friend of his girlfriends, then we went out to party it up at the SU. A couple of hours after meeting said french girl and having minor conversations, we found ourselves in a stairwell in a romantic clinch, deciding to take it a bit further we find the first avalible toiler, which happened to be a disabled one, excellent, plenty of room and no one coming in or out to disturb us.

i won't bore you with the details of what went on is said toilet, but we realised that it was probably time to go when we heard the music stop. On leaving the club my mates girlfriend collers us and askes us where we've been as every body has been looking for us, my mate had gotten pissed as newt and his girlfriend had to take him back to halls and then cam back to carry on searching for us.

i got called a dirty bastard for doing in a disabled toilet by my uni mates, but then i reminded that that i'd only met her for a coulpe of hours before she was bouncing up and down on me.

no apologies as she loved the length and the girth
( Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:00, Reply)

Hmm, ah yes I know (sorry mum)
When I was a kid we had a white cat called Suki that sat across my mum's sholders wehn we were in the car.
One day we were taking one of these long journeys (prooberly essex-north wales) and my mum was desparate for the loo so she stopped at a lay by and used the cat tray

Another time (same mum) she was rather ill and used the public toilet which had no toilet roll. Cause she was in a bad way she had to use cheques from her chequebook
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:00, Reply)

Another cool 'toilet'
On the side of a mountain, with a gorgeous view of the High Atlas on a clear June morning
( eponymous Oh!, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Once Upon A Time...
I had sex in McDonalds' Toilets.

It was RUBBISH!

And in some nightclub toilets and in a park toilet and...

Sex in Toilets is Rubbish I don't recommend it to anyone!
(dollydagger, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:53, Reply)

foreign
morocco toilets are famously bad, i blame the french influence (on a trip to paris I stopped at a granada-like service station. they still had a hole-in-the-ground for those older, more nostalgic frenchies)

on a coach to marrakech, we stopped for a loo break, where they charged you the equivalent of £3 to crouch over a ceramic hole, behind a door made of woven straw that had all the opaqueness of glass, as a small, toothless, wizened old man leered at you as you pulled your keks down.

about, oh, 60 odd years before, my grandmother was stuck in the same situation (also in morocco), crouching down over a hole surrounded by newpaper. strangely, the paper laid on the floor was her local newspaper back home in blighty. bit bored, she started reading the bit between her feet, and discovered her brother had won the pools.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:47, Reply)

MIA poo
Conundrums tale reminds me of an (apocryphal) story of the chap who went for a poo in the rain, after de trousering hung his arse over a fallen tree to drop it - as conundrum said, there ain't a man alive who wont look at it - and on inspection of terrain, realised there was no sign of it. Not wishing to hang about in the rain, he went off towards his tent, putting his anorak hood up in the process - and suddenly found where his poo had gone....
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:46, Reply)

Not really a toilet story, more a best poo ever story.
Picture the scene: halfway through a tour of Scandinavia, I woke up on the tour bus (rule no. 1: no shitting in the onboard khazi), with my usual morning urge to take a dump. Opened curtain to see that we were parked in a layby halfway up the side of a heartstoppingly beautiful fjord. Obviously, not a loo for miles around, so I climbed up the rocks beside the layby and found a reasonably hidden place that still gave me a wonderful view of the fjord and evacuated my bowels with a very contented sigh. Perfect shit as well: not too soft, not too firm, good length and consistency. Very satisfying! Then a quick stroll back to the bus for some excellent coffee.

Scariest dump EVER: my band was playing at a green 'festival' on the edge of a HUGE strip mine in newly post-commie Czechoslovakia with a thunderstorm going on. I stumbled through a sucking mire between flapping plastic sheeting to find the bogs, which were - get this - basically a plank with holes in, somehow suspended about 100 ft over the edge of the mine. I had NO IDEA how they were staying up, but nature was not so much calling as bellowing, so, whimpering, I gingerly lowered myself onto the wobbly plank and took what felt like the longest dump in the world, praying that something wouldn't come loose in the howling gale. After that, playing in about 3 inches of water on a wind-lashed stage with very dodgy eastern european electrics didn't seem quite so scary. Or having to witness Nazareth play 'My White Bicycle' three times, come to that.
(redthing, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:39, Reply)

Nutter toilet usage
I was in my local sports centre changing room- alone. As I was getting changed, I noticed that one of the toilet cubicles had someone in it- a somewhat distressed looking lady (the door was ajar). She was whimpering, and had a slight look of the mentalist.

My past as a nursing assistant has left me with a slightly misplaced sense of public duty to those who look in need, so I called out to see if the lady was OK, or whether she needed any help.

"No- I think I'm okay dear...well...actually...if you wouldn't mind do you have any margerine on you at all that you could use?"

Strange question I thought. Then I realised that this woman was actually suggesting that I use some margerine, that inexplicably I would have taken to the gym, to assist her with removing some impacted faeces from her mad old anus.

Again, nice.
(clapper, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:38, Reply)

Strange things in the undergrowth...
.
Many moons ago I was a loyal servant of the Queen (Gawd Bless ‘Er), a fearless fighting soldier holding the borders of Germany against the menace of the Slavic Horde. Every year we were sent out into the countryside to lurk in the bushes, waiting for Ivan to come storming through the Fulda Gap, massed tank divisions of the Red Army poised to cut a bloody path to the Rhine. Every exercise season my unit lurked in the forests on Minden Ridge, passing the time away in time honoured tradition, eg, bullying new recruits, winding up officers and stealing each other’s turds.

Yep, that’s right, stealing turds. There are no toilets deep in the forest, and before the arrival of German contractors with their portaloos the solution was to grab a shovel, wander off into the bushes, dig a little hole, crap into it, then tidily fill it in before groping your way back to the tank laagers.

All the old soldiers took great delight in winding up the new boys. We used to warn them of the dangers of the deep German forests, strange animals that hid in the undergrowth, so starving they would eat the shit out of your arse before it hit the ground. Then ply them with illicit lager, crates of Herforder Pils hidden strategically in the ammunition lockers, topped up with bottles of Apple Korn and Jagermeister which all good squaddies have stashed away. Eventually one of these lads would stand up and fart, grab a shovel, and stumble off into the darkness….and the hunt was on!!!!

We would take our own shovel and follow, using our superior fieldcraft skills to silently creep up on the unsuspecting rookie, waiting for him to dig his hole, drop his trousers and squat over to drop his lot. Then snake forward, quietly reach forward with the shovel, place it strategically to catch whatever came out, then quietly withdraw with the spoils. There’s not a man alive who doesn’t turn to inspect his turds after crapping in the forest. But on looking into the hole, there’s a severe lack of evidence, even though he knows he’s just unloaded a good kilo of crap somewhere. So where the fuck is it?

The hardest part is not to laugh when watching this dickhead searching for his missing turds. The red-screened torch would come on, he’d pat the grass with his hands, walk in ever-increasing circles, then start flailing the bushes with his shovel. ‘Get out of it, you little shit-eating bastards!! Where the fuck are you?’ At this point we would fade silently into the background and leg it back to the camp, so by the time he found his way back we would be sitting quietly as before. As he excitedly poured out his story we would all look serious, wonder aloud about ‘Spetsnaz Infiltrators’, then get him to repeat his story ad infinitum, each repetition growing in detail about ‘noises in the bushes’, or ‘something moving in the shadows. Or even, God Save us, ‘a strange smell of corrupt flesh’. The more gullible among them could even be induced to write up an official ‘Contact Report’.

Guarding the West against the Red Menace that never so much fun again.

All true, as God is my witness. So where did those turds really go?


It’s a
(Conundrum, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Celebrity charlie/bog incident + First time I got drunk
Eh-up,
I was on University Challenge once. Naturally enough, a load of mates tagged along to see the show. One of them needed to answer the call of nature - and had a little surprise.

There were two folks from Coronation Street - no idea who, now - taking cocaine in the bogs.

For some strange reason the chap who saw this never sold it to the tabloids.

I'm damn sure I would have done!

[Edit] - Ah, just remembered another one:
The first time I got drunk (on six pints of scrumpy, as I recall), my "mates" added laxative powder to one of my drinks. Oh, how I laughed.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:33, Reply)

i was in a toilet once
I had a poo, and everything. My poo spoke.
( slippery doctore, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:32, Reply)

Coolest toilet
A forest in Africa, being watched by a monkey.
( eponymous Oh!, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Chinese toilet
Seeing as Chthonic was good enough to correct the spelling of 'weird', here's my story.

My (now ex-)colleague's parents were travelling through China last year - doing one of these grown-up gap years that people like to do. They weren't sticking to the beaten track, and ventured all over the place.

In one 'restaurant' the 'toilet' was in the kitchen. It was a gutter that the sink also flowed into. You could have a shit and watch them prepare your main course - better than doing Sudoku on the crapper!
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Throbbe
Absloubtly true about glastonbury, think it was '97, the dance tent was flooded much like the rest of the site, and they had the great idea of sucking the water out with the shit sucking truck but did indeed fill the tent with shit. It was a pain in the arse as the dance tent was closed untill quite late, and I was gurning my tits off.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:27, Reply)

The worst toilet
was a hole in the ground affair at a Nepali 'service station' (orange stand) on the road from Gorkha to Pokhara. The stench of ammonia made me dry heave before i'd got within 10 feet of it. The smell was so putrid it feld solid, sticking to your skin and cloying at your nostrils long after you'd left the area.

But I had dysentry.
( eponymous Oh!, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:24, Reply)

not me but me dad
dad was dying for a dump on the way back from thetford forest (i believe) having spent a day cycling there with my brother. he found a small brick shed next to a dirt track and curled out a massive winner, something Wayne Rooney would be pround of, and wiped his arse on McDonalds serviettes that happened to be in the car. See, they do have a use. I for one was pround of the symbolism :)
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:23, Reply)

I actually wrote about this in an old article of mine....
The story goes a little something like this:

Mid February 1998 a friend told me of his expedition to a certain holiday camp in Wales for a week. The way he described it, it made it sound relatively ok, so I decided I would give it a try. However, upon arriving at this holiday camp in the middle of May, things were not what I had been led to believe.

Several other non-toilet related things happened, but they have been removed because they're not shitter-related.

The lowest of the low-lights for me whilst I was at the evil place must have been, and this really happened, dropping my sunglasses into a turd-filled toilet. Yep, after squeezing out a junk-food fuelled arse sausage (junk food ones are the worst type, they're really hard and feel like they're coming out sideways) I wiped my arse and then, just a split second after I flushed...

My bastard sunglasses fell into the rapidly disappearing crap cocktail.

My gut reaction was "Shit! I don't want to waste a 60 quid pair of sunglasses" and, as my reactions got the better of me... I quickly... rolled my sleeve up... and... without having chance to prepare myself for the scatological encounter I was about to experience............................. I plunged... my hand... deep... into the toilet bowl... which was still full... of what had previously been... the contents of my rectum. I'm still emotionally scarred now, after having my own faeces stuck to my skin, and even after spending 20 minutes washing my hands and glasses, frantically scrubbing them, it still makes my skin crawl at the thought of it to this very day.

To make matters worse, I lost the sunglasses about a month later.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:20, Reply)

The most bizarre toilet i ever had the privilege of pissing in
was in Morocco. The toilet/shower was a long narrow room, like a little closed off section of corridor, and i mean really narrow. The toilet was facing the wall, with the seat practically touching it. You either had to straddle it really widely or sit on it sideways. Odd.
( eponymous Oh!, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:19, Reply)

Dirty....
My friend is an MC lets call him J and I travelled with him from London to Nottingham for a rave he had been booked to play at.

On the way him, his driver and me were having some friendly banter and I told them I was on the look out for a man that night cos I was getting pretty frustrated. They were taking the piss saying if I see someone I like to just drag them into the toilets and get the job over and done with.

At the rave I met up with a friend in there and whilst J was on the mic I was standing at the front dancing away. This bloke came and started dancing near me and we eventually got talking. J was chatting silly lyrcis "take him in the toilets etc etc" and after a while J called me over.

He didnt say anything just placed something in my hand, Thinking it was a wrap of Colombia's finest and not wanting to spill or drop it I kept it tightly in my hand and went over to my friend I had met in there and said "come to the toilets for a line" I take her into the toilets she sits down whilst I lock the door still with this wrap in my hand.

I open my hand whilst asking my friend for a card and what is in my hand A CONDOM!!!! My poor friend who was in there with me just burst out laughing.

I go back outside and J was on the mic proper pissing himself. Later on he said that at first he thought I was upset at being handed a condom in a rave but then realised I had probably gone to try and snort it!
(Fran, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 13:17, Reply)