No more glugging
If you are pouring liquid from a large container with an off-centre spout (car oil container etc), keep the spout at the top when horizontal. That way air can get into the container and you don't get glugs which get oil all over your engine/car bodywork/best trainers.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 21:49, Reply)

worse than pins and needles
dont put bees in your socks
(skankgirl, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 21:31, Reply)

dickhead car mods
whenever you see one of those arseholes with their little spoilers and spinners etc, just laugh at them and realise how much better you are than them.
(the cactus kid- what a prick..., Wed 6 Dec 2006, 21:15, Reply)

getting rid of strangers
If you're faced with unwanted company in a public situation and you cannot deter your companion with words or threats of violence why not simply drool into your hand and attempt to wipe it on their face. OK, so you'll look a bit mental - but its amazing how many people will begin leave you alone.
(Olga_B, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 21:03, Reply)

Don't argue
Having a dumb ass arguement with friends/family/significant other?

Simply say "Oh shut up", or "Yes OK" in a patronising manner. For added effect, shake your head dismissively or possibly walk away. Under no circumstances DO NOT be tempted to argue back, not matter how much the other person goads you.

My GF's Mum does this, and it's IMPOSSIBLE to argue with her. It will wind the person up even more as you are not participating in the arguement whatsoever.

I did that to my Dad last night, who always must have the last word. By god did it piss him off!
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 20:16, Reply)

Top tip for tourists in London

It is customary to shake hands with every occupant of a tube train when entering the carriage.
(lozzzz, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 20:16, Reply)

Radio 2
Radio 2 is better than you think.

Really.

Apart from Sarah Kennedy, Jeremy Vine and Steve Wright. And anything at the weekend. And anything in the evening.

Ahem.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 20:15, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Never under and Circumstances.....
Pet a Burning Dog....

...on another note....

Don't Jive anyone with that Cosmic Debris. You can Make More Money as a Butcher.
(Nihlistic_Alchemist Brand the Herd with Fashion, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 20:10, Reply)

Never
eat a game pie just before belching in a dog's face.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 18:41, Reply)

hat of jam
I feel the pain brother. I've got bollocks the size of the millenium dome crashing against me legs.
(luckymcdanger, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 18:25, Reply)

Top Tips
PG, much better than Earl Grey
(loquis, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 14:04, Reply)

.
Never sneeze while having a poo, it hurts.

A lot
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 13:42, Reply)

One for the oldies
Don't push your granny when she's shaving.
( Prof. Piehead, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 13:03, Reply)

anti depressants=more depress
When on anti depressants never read the side affects. the second i laid eyes on "problems ejaculating" i've had trouble blowing my load.

girlfriend seems to enjoy the increased love making though but i'm now so frustrated i could kill gloria huniford and burn down parliament.

worst is - i know its all in my f'ing head and still i cannot release.......
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 12:17, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

How to pull! Guaranteed!
When your out in the clubs and you see a hot young thing strutting her stuff on the dance floor, walk over, confidently take her hand in yours and whisper into her ear, 'Come on love; lets not turn this rape into a murder', and casually escort her off the dance floor.

Works every time.

My first post though...
(sh!tmouth, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 11:37, Reply)

Barrier
Armco barriers are very hard and they WILL damage your car. A lot.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 11:35, Reply)

Viz top tips
A length of drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes a perfect go kart for any snake.

When washing those difficult to remove stains, simply circle with a permanent marker first, thus making it easy to identify the offending area after washing.
(Neostenine's maker, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 10:50, Reply)

Finding the QOTW boards too long?
Simply click "Ignore" next to an apeloverage post and this should reduce the boardsize by a factor of 50% each week.

o/j :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 10:39, Reply)

Chinese/Indian restaurants..
..when ordering your food, never take the piss out of the waitier, or a loud conversation about racism, and NEVER do a derogatory impersonation of the a chinese or Indian man when he's just left the table and is a mere 3 feet away - he's not deaf!!!

Unless you like your Chow Mein with a large helping of piss/spit/jizz.
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Wed 6 Dec 2006, 10:38, Reply)

iPod
Confused as to why your iPod* isn't working? Remove it from that pool of water on your desk.

Shit.

* Other MP3** players are available

** Other media formats*** are also available

*** Other hard formats are available like 8-Tracks :-)

(True story)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 10:29, Reply)

Want to empty your house quick?
Simply wear burberry. A passing Bailiff will instantly believe you owe something and ransack your premesis for goods :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 10:26, Reply)

got a problem?

Look, I'll solve it: check out the beat, while the DJ revolves it.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 10:25, Reply)

sick of little hoody wearing punks playing tinny sounding hip hop crap out loud on their mobile phone while on public transport?

Sing xmas carols, play your own phone ringtone louder, or simply beat the living daylights out of them.
(Handel blah blah blah, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 10:11, Reply)

Dental floss does well as a makeshift blindfold for the Chinese.

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 9:57, Reply)

England....
sick of losing miserably in the cricket?
next time refrain from selecting such an underprepared bunch of girls with a complete lack of an urge to win :)
(Handel blah blah blah, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 9:55, Reply)

Having trouble using chopsticks?
Use a fork; you're not an ape for fuck's sake.

EDIT

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 9:49, Reply)

In a foreign country and trying to ask a local who doesn't understand a word of english for directions?
Simply speak LOUDER and slower in english and they're bound to understand you. (well why else would millions of merkins do it?)
(Handel blah blah blah, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 9:37, Reply)

If you can pinch more than an inch
stop eating you fat cunt.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 9:25, Reply)

If you're going to San Francisco...
...be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.
(zerogravitas, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 7:02, Reply)