Top Tips
Got a great tip? Share it with us. You know, stuff like "Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip."
( , Wed 29 Nov 2006, 16:33)
Got a great tip? Share it with us. You know, stuff like "Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip."
( , Wed 29 Nov 2006, 16:33)
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as no-one has posted this one again yet....
Prevent trick or treaters at halloween by daubing 'peedo scum' on your front door and putting your own front window through.
( , Tue 30 Oct 2012, 11:48, Reply)
Prevent trick or treaters at halloween by daubing 'peedo scum' on your front door and putting your own front window through.
( , Tue 30 Oct 2012, 11:48, Reply)
When cleaning your shoes or trainers
Always do the second one first, so when you run out of arsed on the next one, the second one will for once, be done the best.
( , Mon 29 Oct 2012, 22:56, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
Always do the second one first, so when you run out of arsed on the next one, the second one will for once, be done the best.
( , Mon 29 Oct 2012, 22:56, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
Avoid getting bothered by trick or treaters this halloween.
By simply heading to the pub straight from work.
( , Mon 29 Oct 2012, 13:18, Reply)
By simply heading to the pub straight from work.
( , Mon 29 Oct 2012, 13:18, Reply)
If you can see the car driving 20' behind you
maybe it's time to turn your fucking fog light off.
( , Fri 26 Oct 2012, 18:46, Reply)
maybe it's time to turn your fucking fog light off.
( , Fri 26 Oct 2012, 18:46, Reply)
If yours is one of those cars that makes an annoying, booming 'whop whop whop whop whop' sound while driving with the window down
you may be able to cancel it out by cracking open the opposite side window that is at the other end of the car, i.e. front offside and rear nearside. The path of air through the car stops the resonance but still allows cooling airflow. And blows away loose paper bits inside the car like receipts, cheques, parking tickets and fucks over your fuel economy. BUT NO BOOMING WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP anymore.
( , Fri 26 Oct 2012, 18:30, Reply)
you may be able to cancel it out by cracking open the opposite side window that is at the other end of the car, i.e. front offside and rear nearside. The path of air through the car stops the resonance but still allows cooling airflow. And blows away loose paper bits inside the car like receipts, cheques, parking tickets and fucks over your fuel economy. BUT NO BOOMING WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP anymore.
( , Fri 26 Oct 2012, 18:30, Reply)
Make your very own George Osborne at home...
...By farting into a balloon, drawing a stupid smug face on it and not buying the correct train ticket for it.
( , Fri 26 Oct 2012, 9:39, Reply)
...By farting into a balloon, drawing a stupid smug face on it and not buying the correct train ticket for it.
( , Fri 26 Oct 2012, 9:39, Reply)
Ever wondered what foreplay with Madonna is like?...
...Just fiddle with the loose skin on your elbow for half an hour!
( , Thu 25 Oct 2012, 15:57, Reply)
...Just fiddle with the loose skin on your elbow for half an hour!
( , Thu 25 Oct 2012, 15:57, Reply)
Got a warm beer and / or bottle of wine? Wrap it in wet tissue paper and bung it in the freezer for half an hour = very cold drink. Also = bottle of wine covered in frozen bog paper.
( , Thu 25 Oct 2012, 2:14, Reply)
Convince your family that you have Alzheimer's disease...
...by forgetting who they are and putting a pan of water on to boil, then leaving the room for the rest of the day.
( , Mon 22 Oct 2012, 18:36, Reply)
...by forgetting who they are and putting a pan of water on to boil, then leaving the room for the rest of the day.
( , Mon 22 Oct 2012, 18:36, Reply)
Pretend that you are an expert bomb defuser in a film...
...by opening the microwave door 1 second before it beeps.
( , Thu 18 Oct 2012, 14:38, Reply)
...by opening the microwave door 1 second before it beeps.
( , Thu 18 Oct 2012, 14:38, Reply)
Feel slimmer and generally better about your pie eating ways
Buy clothes two sizes too big for you and then show people just how baggy your clothes are now
( , Mon 15 Oct 2012, 6:29, Reply)
Buy clothes two sizes too big for you and then show people just how baggy your clothes are now
( , Mon 15 Oct 2012, 6:29, Reply)
Don't talk to me when I'm in a shit mood.
Alt, don't talk to me before my first dose of caffeine kicks in.
Alt alt, don't talk to me when I'm in a shit mood AND before my first dose of caffeine kicks in.
None of this comprises useful advice really. I'm just too lazy to bother with Twunter.
( , Sat 13 Oct 2012, 13:08, Reply)
Alt, don't talk to me before my first dose of caffeine kicks in.
Alt alt, don't talk to me when I'm in a shit mood AND before my first dose of caffeine kicks in.
None of this comprises useful advice really. I'm just too lazy to bother with Twunter.
( , Sat 13 Oct 2012, 13:08, Reply)
Homeowners!
Discourage criminals from breaking into your house by leaving all of your valuables in the front garden.
( , Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)
Discourage criminals from breaking into your house by leaving all of your valuables in the front garden.
( , Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)
Don't use a vegetable steamer to cook pasta
It doesn't work and it makes you look like a tit. Just use the microwave instead.
( , Sun 7 Oct 2012, 18:17, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
It doesn't work and it makes you look like a tit. Just use the microwave instead.
( , Sun 7 Oct 2012, 18:17, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
When you're getting ready to go out...
...and you're making yourself more pleasant to be around, make sure that you don't accidentally spray deodorant on the tip of your penis! The slow tingle which quickly erupts into a full on fire, is not what could be described as a pleasant experience.
( , Sat 6 Oct 2012, 10:47, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
...and you're making yourself more pleasant to be around, make sure that you don't accidentally spray deodorant on the tip of your penis! The slow tingle which quickly erupts into a full on fire, is not what could be described as a pleasant experience.
( , Sat 6 Oct 2012, 10:47, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
If you're forced to use a public urinal.
always wait til the very last minute, then your willy looks bigger.
( , Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:30, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
always wait til the very last minute, then your willy looks bigger.
( , Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:30, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Can't find someone to suck off but craving that spunky flavour?
Simply bend over and cum in your own mouth.
( , Fri 5 Oct 2012, 10:31, Reply)
Simply bend over and cum in your own mouth.
( , Fri 5 Oct 2012, 10:31, Reply)
Don't bend over and cum in your mouth
Yeah, that's pretty much it...
( , Thu 4 Oct 2012, 23:21, Reply)
Yeah, that's pretty much it...
( , Thu 4 Oct 2012, 23:21, Reply)
Fed up with your number pad on your keyboard being 'upside down' from a proper 'phone' keypad?
Use this software, keytweek, found here: www.makeuseof.com/tag/remap-keyboard-free-tools-windows/ and invert the numbers. Then remove and replace the physical keys into the phone pad order.
This is probably old news to most people, but I only found it yesterday and its really useful, so thought it might be to someone else.
( , Thu 4 Oct 2012, 8:36, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
Use this software, keytweek, found here: www.makeuseof.com/tag/remap-keyboard-free-tools-windows/ and invert the numbers. Then remove and replace the physical keys into the phone pad order.
This is probably old news to most people, but I only found it yesterday and its really useful, so thought it might be to someone else.
( , Thu 4 Oct 2012, 8:36, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
If you're enjoying a bit of late night internet filth...
...and you hear your wife descending the stairs... Do not, in a panic, switch the site that is on screen. Pornography is a lot easier to explain than the sight of you, furiously masturbating to a BBC news article about Bashar al-Assad mercilessly slaughtering Syrian civilians!
( , Tue 2 Oct 2012, 17:24, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
...and you hear your wife descending the stairs... Do not, in a panic, switch the site that is on screen. Pornography is a lot easier to explain than the sight of you, furiously masturbating to a BBC news article about Bashar al-Assad mercilessly slaughtering Syrian civilians!
( , Tue 2 Oct 2012, 17:24, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
Real top tip
Like watching movies on your Smartphone, but have nothing to lean it on? For instance on Long journeys on the plane or Train.
If you wear glasses and can do without them to watch the movie, lying them down upside down and slightly opening the arms makes an ideal stand to lay your phone in to watch the movie on.
( , Mon 1 Oct 2012, 16:58, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Like watching movies on your Smartphone, but have nothing to lean it on? For instance on Long journeys on the plane or Train.
If you wear glasses and can do without them to watch the movie, lying them down upside down and slightly opening the arms makes an ideal stand to lay your phone in to watch the movie on.
( , Mon 1 Oct 2012, 16:58, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Make sure that people know that you are not a racist...
...by saying,
"I'm not a racist, but...".
Before you say something racist.
( , Fri 28 Sep 2012, 13:43, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
...by saying,
"I'm not a racist, but...".
Before you say something racist.
( , Fri 28 Sep 2012, 13:43, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
If an orange is too sour for you
Rather than throwing it away, sprinkle a *little* amount of salt on each piece as you eat it.
It won't make it taste salty, but it will neutralise the sourness.
Yes, really
( , Thu 27 Sep 2012, 14:39, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Rather than throwing it away, sprinkle a *little* amount of salt on each piece as you eat it.
It won't make it taste salty, but it will neutralise the sourness.
Yes, really
( , Thu 27 Sep 2012, 14:39, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Give more weight to your verbal threats
by ending them with "... mark my words"
( , Wed 26 Sep 2012, 19:31, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
by ending them with "... mark my words"
( , Wed 26 Sep 2012, 19:31, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Night time emergencies
Don't put your underwear in the washing basket at night: do that in the morning instead. That way if you have a night time emergency (e.g. house on fire, child with burst appendix, dog seen a ghost, etc.) you will not be scrambling around for clean grundies in the middle of the night while your house burns down/child dies/dog goes crazy.
( , Wed 26 Sep 2012, 7:32, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Don't put your underwear in the washing basket at night: do that in the morning instead. That way if you have a night time emergency (e.g. house on fire, child with burst appendix, dog seen a ghost, etc.) you will not be scrambling around for clean grundies in the middle of the night while your house burns down/child dies/dog goes crazy.
( , Wed 26 Sep 2012, 7:32, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
TOWER-BLOCK DWELLERS
Convince your downstairs neighbour that he lives at Brighton Marine World by dangling a variety of fish out the window.
( , Tue 25 Sep 2012, 21:15, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
Convince your downstairs neighbour that he lives at Brighton Marine World by dangling a variety of fish out the window.
( , Tue 25 Sep 2012, 21:15, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
Entertain designers by commissioning them to work on a project.
Extra points for getting them to do it as a matter of extreme urgency for overnight printing the same day, and just before you're supplied it for proofing, fucking off home.
( , Tue 25 Sep 2012, 16:26, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
Extra points for getting them to do it as a matter of extreme urgency for overnight printing the same day, and just before you're supplied it for proofing, fucking off home.
( , Tue 25 Sep 2012, 16:26, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
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