Are you a self important windbag, on the internet? Has somebody made a humorous video satirising your self-importance?
Protect your dignity and have it taken down by filing a fraudulent copyright claim. For added laughs, put your real name on the claim so anyone trying to view the video can see what a massive prick you are.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 11 Jan 2013, 16:54, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Improve your karma by sponsoring a zoo animal
For example, sea lions would be good for a sponsored swim, giant snails would be good for a sponsored silence.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 18:31, Reply)

Still Smoking?
A box of Nappy Sacks is a handy thing to have. Empty your ashtray into them and it neutralises the smell and keeps all the butts and ash in a sealable bag for the trash.
( Cheeses of Nazareth Where's Captain Kirk? www.whereiskirk.com, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 0:58, Reply)

Prevent work colleagues bending you over and pounding your fucking smartphone right up your arsehole
by turning off the keypad tone when writing a fucking essay on it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 9:07, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Indie kids
to avoid bad luck this coming year, don't forget to take down your Jesus & Mary Chains on Twelfth Night...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 6 Jan 2013, 0:19, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Pretend that you are using bitcoins by making computer noises every time you pay for something with regular coins.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 17:26, Reply)

I you're hosting a dinner party, and a guest brings a bottle of wine...
...This is their way of telling you that the rancid cat urine that you usually serve should stay in the bottle.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 15:23, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

If your wife or girlfriend
decides to situate your newborn's cot in a structural element of your house that protrudes from the plane of the sloping roof, cry out "No-one puts Baby in a Dormer...!!"
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 5 Jan 2013, 3:00, Reply)

Roadworkers.
Worried that the temporary traffic lights you've set up may anger road users on an already congested road. Leave a decapitated Husky dog by the side of the road, as a way of taking their mind off the traffic jam...
(GhostAtTheFeast Soup Sir?, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 18:38, Reply)

Jokes
Recreate jokes from your childhood by rolling a nun down a hill, or putting a zebra under a strong sunlamp
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 14:58, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Keep more cigarettes to yourself
by telling random pikeys to 'Fuck off' when the ask for one.
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Wed 2 Jan 2013, 23:14, Reply)

Instead of the bother of converting your Nectar points
just buy honey.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 2 Jan 2013, 22:22, Reply)

Convince your friends and family that you've just eaten a large dinner...
...by rubbing your belly and saying things like,
"That was a lovely dinner."
and
"I couldn't eat another bite."
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 1 Jan 2013, 14:05, Reply)

Pretend to be James Bond...
...by gluing cotton wool to your scrotum and jumping out of a plane at the Olympics.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 1 Jan 2013, 14:02, Reply)

Transvestites
Disguise yourself as a female goalkeeper by dropping anything thrown at you. For even more authenticity, make sure you dropkick things less than 18 yards
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 1 Jan 2013, 3:03, Reply)

Transvestites...
Disguise your giant hands by dressing as a female goalkeeper.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 31 Dec 2012, 14:03, Reply)

Short on cowls?
Your local monastery should be able to help.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sun 30 Dec 2012, 20:06, Reply)

Mods
Want to have a fun and funky QOTW with all the good story tellers back.

Simply open your eyes and stop pandering to the trolls.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 30 Dec 2012, 17:52, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Short on trowels?
I'd check out whether some thieving git's nicked yours before you nip to the depot to get another.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 29 Dec 2012, 23:54, Reply)

Help prevent another 9/11!
By cutting that particular day out of your calender.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Sat 29 Dec 2012, 3:15, Reply)

Short on howls?...
...Buy a wolf
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 28 Dec 2012, 23:28, Reply)

Short on towls?
Call room-service and ask for some more.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 28 Dec 2012, 20:21, Reply)

Short on vowels?
Read "A Void" by Georges Perec for some ideas of how to do without a well-used one.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 28 Dec 2012, 20:20, Reply)

Short on owls?
A shaved parrot covered in glue and rolled in down feathers makes an ideal replacement.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 26 Dec 2012, 19:01, Reply)

Short on bowels?
A crisp packet makes an ideal emergency bumbag which you can then leave on a train seat for the lols.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 24 Dec 2012, 15:41, Reply)

Santa Claus
Have fun this christmas by filling childrens stockings with a decapitated kitten's/puppy's/bunny rabbit's head, then add the tag "Love from Mummy and Daddy"
(theteddybearofhate, Sat 22 Dec 2012, 6:04, Reply)

Short on bowls?
A tin can makes an ideal container from which to eat baked beans, as a delicious accompaniment to pornography, loneliness and crying.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:00, Reply)