Answers to QOTW
Save the rest of us time by announcing in the subject if it's a dirty story or not. Then we'll know whether it's worth reading for the sex, or to skip to the next one. Thanks.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:07, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

prevent difficult social situations
by killing everyone and avoiding doing anything which could conceivably go wrong.
(this tip only works if you are Howard Steel in 'The Worst Week Of My Life',shown on BBC1)
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Fri 1 Feb 2008, 3:12, Reply)

Checkout Cashiers
When I reply "no" to your question, "Do you need help with your packing?", it is not a challenge...
(stubbledchin, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 10:28, Reply)

Child Safety...
If your child is choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down their throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
( the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 22:16, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Ex girlfriends
Be careful when you text your ex to ask why they finished with you. The truth may well offend.

*shakes head and stomps off*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 30 Jan 2008, 17:02, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Free night out
Since the smoking ban most clubs have a smoking area. If you can successfully infiltrate this, save the entry fee by sneaking under the builders fence! (NB if in a large group - works best if you don't all go for it at once)

Length? Not much, but it's my first time so go easy. *pop*
(runge got stuck to a vertical surface on:, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 2:13, Reply)

When in california.
Assume you know nothing and they know everything.

I work on my own cars and have changed a few engines and transmissions. I moved to california about two years back(mistake) and My wives mother, who has never even seen under the hood of anything she has ever driven thinks she knows more than me about engines.
( postal ninja has Transmissible spongiform encephalopathies, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 23:30, Reply)

save money and trees.
stop buying toilet paper (bumwad) - just put flannel sheets on your bed and grind your dirty butt against them and/or kidnap a local child and chain him in your toilet area, restrained so his tongue is exposed.
( postbear has metal knees, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 5:41, Reply)

Clipper lighters
When buying a Clipper lighter - remove the flint stick pokey thing (actually known as 'sumfink' - "Excuse me mate have you got a match or sumfink") and turn the screw on the flint until it pops out - now put it back in but just enough for it to grip. Not too tight, as the Bishop said to the actress.

This will enhance the working life of your clipper, flint and scrapy wheel thing greatly.
(poonss ...howlingspoons, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 2:40, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Chevy no no
A tip, never buy a chevy car or truck and if you do, get rid of it when it gets around 55,000 miles on it, they all suck after that.
( postal ninja has Transmissible spongiform encephalopathies, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 2:30, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Cheap sweets from the twisty machines!
OK this is for people living in england really.

Those stupid machines where you have to put 20p into them and twist the handle for about 3 sweets, well you can get those sweets for 1p each time!.

All you do is get a small square of paper and a 20p and wrap the paper over the 20p, fold it over so it looks like a 20p basically, then take it off and put it over the penny with the same folds.

so its basically a 1p with a square of paper in the shape of a 20p wrapped over it, but that bastard in the machine and twist, and voila! 19p saved oh yeaaa..

dont do it too many times on the same machine though or it messes them up, enjoy!.
(Synthy, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 22:46, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

coca cola
Got a nasty stomach bug (of the vomit inducing variety) and would give your right nut to be able to keep a glass of water down? Try drinking coke instead, it helps...sometimes
(i dont get it tell them a badger got me, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 20:45, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Read the latest magazines without paying for them
find a supermarket which has the cafe before the checkout - then get your magazines of choice (you're not going to be paying for these babies, so knock yourself out and fill that basket up!) and read at your leisure over a coffee

just remember to return them to the stand before exiting through the tills

and keep that smug grin off your face as you pass the security bod

GOAT TIP: always buy some small food items to avoid suspicion
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 12:53, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

I find this useful.
When you're playing blackjack, assume that any unseen card is an 8.
(Paulrun Had a life until, Mon 21 Jan 2008, 21:30, Reply)

Mondays
Avoid the inevitable depression caused by having to get up on a wet, dark Monday morning by simply forgetting to set the alarm and sleeping through it.


Bugger.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 21 Jan 2008, 11:17, Reply)

Sex
when your having sex and are about to reach 'that magic moment'. Shout the wrong name, women love it!
(Big Ginge putting the laughter into manslaughter, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 19:58, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Chavs
Tired of bouncing stones off the cars in my street?
Why not Brutally rob the little old lady next door of her life savings.

*edit* No wait you did that last night you ned scum.
( Trollman, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 15:10, Reply)

Convicted padophile running from the police?
Don't worry, they'll never catch you. And if they do, they'll just let you go again.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 14:33, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Drunk-driving
No, nobody will admit to driving after they have had a couple, but they still do it.
If you are in Paris, and you are driving, and have had a few, should you see lights flashing, or you are about to go into a tunnel, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!
(bobman500 enjoys a grope as much as the next fella, Wed 16 Jan 2008, 18:13, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Guaranteed cure for hiccups..version 2
Take up about 5ml of pure lemon juice into one of these syringe things you can get pretty cheap from chemists . Have sufferer open mouth wide but close their eyes telling him/her you're going to trickle PLJ down his/her throat. Completely out of the blue stick your genitals with extreme gusto into the back of the trachea. Hey presto, hiccups gone. Guaranteed.

;)
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Tue 15 Jan 2008, 15:24, Reply)

Coke is it!
Remove dried spooge stains off your linoleum or formica tables with Cola! Or....If you leave spunk in the sun, it will harden into brownish chunks you can give to people you don't like as "candy".
(pulelehua, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 22:48, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Football Teams...
...in the North East of England. Avoid having to repeatedly pay huge amounts of compensation to sacked managers by employing Mayflies as managers.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 10:10, Reply)

The Chivalry Act
If, god forbid, you are like me and my friends in that you can make charming witty conversation with women all night but the conversation opener scares you more than castration by spoon, this is for you.

Find a group of girls (prefferably only 2) in a club (doesn't work well in a pub or anywhere before 1 in the morning). Send one of your mates over to said girls either pissed out of his brains to the point of slavering or at least pretending, and here comes the chivalry.
Give your mate about 20 seconds to make those girls disgusted with every part of his being then go over, tell your mate to fuck off back to the bar and apoligies to the ladies offering to get them a drink.

This is a reasonably good technique though sometimes you do wonder why you are sober as a judge pretending to be some kind of drunken rapist just so your mate can try and get laid.
(ludwigvanbeefoven, Sat 12 Jan 2008, 21:14, Reply)

To strenghten Superglue joints
Wrap thin cotton strands around the joint then wick more superglue onto it.
You can also use single ply of tissue in a similar fashion to make a sort of laminate repair. Also try and buy some Hobby glue it's far superior to the usual supermarket loctite stuff. Look out for Pacer's range of superglues
( M o D, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 12:58, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

suck
jobs

HAHAHAH
(lozarouy, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 20:15, Reply)

If you're using a drive-thru
Try being polite to your server, not asking stupid questions and learning to read.

I know how difficult it must be but, please, give it a shot?

/rant
(Lupetherabbit Went straight into smirk mode on, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 21:12, Reply)

Chavs and dole bludgers!
Avoid having to clean up other people's sick by voting Labour in the next General Election.

Edit: I suppose I ought to add this linky thing for gentle, effective RIS relief...

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7176032.stm
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Tue 8 Jan 2008, 21:34, Reply)