Top Tip
Bored of sex with your wife?

Simply sit on her for half an hour, hey presto!, she will go numb and it will feel like someone else is doing it.
(Ellis, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:11, Reply)

..
If you have a girlfriend/partner/blond doberman with any OCD tendencies, buy her a dust buster/hand vaccume cleaner for her birthday/christmas.

she'll be stoked, and your mates will applaud your ability to delegate the housekeeping duties.
(unoriginal spluffed so hard it came out her nose on, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:39, Reply)

Does your dog shit on the floor?
this may be a problem with the inner ear, simply place a small pellet of lead in the ear canal on the correct side and your dog will no longer have incontinence troubles!

I find the best way is to use a shotgun.
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Sat 15 Mar 2008, 19:51, Reply)

Polished floor? Neatly placed mat?
That 4th can of Strongbow the other side of the room wasn't necessary after all, but it'll keep you warm when you're on the floor.

It worked for Aladdin, but not me.
(lafro she sleeps a shocking amount., Sat 15 Mar 2008, 2:31, Reply)

Druggies / Alckies in and around Leith:
My Top Ten Tips for shopping at Tesco Metro

(1) If you plan to go shopping in Tesco Metro, do that BEFORE having a nose-full/arm-full/kazoo-full/skin-full of mind-bogglants

(2) If you fuck (1) up, DO NOT choose the self-service checkout

(3) If you ignore the advice in (2), do not threaten the staff who are trying to help you

(4) Also, the woman's voice coming from the little machine is a RECORDING so there is no point in arguing with her

(5) Try to keep focused on waving groceries around until you hear a *beep* and then putting them in the bagging area - do not get distracted by the cute doggy, the security man giving you 'attitude', or the 'stuck-up English bitch' talking to you from inside the machine

(6) On no account should you try to cheat the system or steal - you WILL FAIL

(7) Don't keep looking round to see if people are looking at you, THEY ARE - it's not entirley drug-induced paranoia on your part, you are making a bit of a cunt of yourself

(8) Don't expect anyone other than yourself to see the funny side of an adult taking 15 minutes to put a Mars Bar and two cans of Tennents through the till

(9) Once you've successfully bagged your shopping and paid for it, do not take the time to profusely thank everyone who has helped you through this monumental challenge

(10) Once outside the shop, you are NOT entitled to a replacement or full refund for any item damaged when you smash into a lampost/wall/pavement while admiring a doggy / avoiding a wasp / sending a text, so don't bother asking
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 18:13, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Fat chuffer? Want to lose weight?
Stick some chicken in the fridge and leave it for a week to go off. Whenever you open the fridge door, the smell will put you off your food.

Alternatively, get some exercise, you fat lazy cunt.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:01, Reply)

Want to keep half a can of cat food fresh in the fridge?
Keep a Pringles lid - it fits perfectly.

Also works for cans of beans / tuna / whatever.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:00, Reply)

When fighting with your siblings
Always make sure you punch your sister in the stomach. It never bruises so she can never prove it to your parents.
Sometimes you'll get to the point where your sister cries for no reason and claims you hit her and actually fabricate a story up to the point that you get punished by mum and dad. To get her back for this I recommend punching her for no reason at random times. Not only will she not be expecting it, but it makes you feel better when she's bawling her eyes out next time claiming you hit her when you didn't.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 23:36, Reply)

Upset and Moody Wife/girlfriend/lesbo partner?
Simply ask if they are on the blob!
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 12:21, Reply)

retail assistants
When asked a question you can't answer by a customer, just lie. They're sure to believe anything you say.

Example: "It says polyester on the label, but it's really silk. They have to call it polyester because of the process they use. We did training on it."

"Those wooden clogs are two sizes too small, but if you buy them, they will get bigger."

"I've got one of those irons/washing machines/particle accelerators - they're great."
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:42, Reply)

Dissatisfied with your job/partner/life?
Get used to it. It's like this until you get old. Then it gets worse.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:38, Reply)

Up to your neck in debt.
Simply ignore all phone calls, if you should happen to accidentally answer the phone, merely put on a young french childs accent... the phone monkey will be sufficiently confussed they will let you run away with all their pennies.. easy
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:26, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

don't use the end cubicle
there's no fucking bog roll
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:58, Reply)

Love is...
Spending a few hundred quid on a diamond brooch and being told that she can't wear it because it doesn't go with anything. Solution - buy her nothing. That goes with everything.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:46, Reply)

Want to work in PR?
Why not become a parasitic insect - you'll make more friends.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:44, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

The secret to a long and happy marriage
A coma.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:43, Reply)

Cure for stuttering
Don't speak. No one will be any the wiser.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:42, Reply)

Ejaculate on your own face sometimes?
Simply drape a pair of ladies pants (used or unused) over your face to catch any stray jets. Then put them back in her drawer and accuse her of cheating if you want to split up. Alternatively, take them to work to impress the guys in IT.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:41, Reply)

Are you fat?
Replace cupcakes and biscuits with bland and tasteless crackers made of flour and water. They'll fill you up and have almost no calories.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:38, Reply)

excuses for absenteeism
Fancy a day off work? Always choose an excuse that can't actually be disproven, even if it's totally unbelievable. Having the shits is best, but I once told a boss I had to stay at home because there was a giant chicken in my house. When asked for proof, I simply said that it had gone now.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:37, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Don't try to ride a bicycle on ketamine.
No, just don't. Really.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:36, Reply)

hiccups
Are a sign that you are possessed by the Devil. You should be burned as a witch.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:33, Reply)

With last 'tip' in mind
To cure hiccups:

Hold your breath as long as possible. Until you turn blue. Or even die.

Either way hiccups will be cured. If not try it again.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:04, Reply)

never post anything on hiccups on this qotw
its just fucking annoying,

okay?
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 22:57, Reply)

Not mine...
On a rainy day, empty the hole punch into someone's umbrella.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 22:09, Reply)

Sneezing and Slashing
I was told this in the pub sunday night and thought I'd pass it on, because as the lad that told me this said, its not something you want to happen to anyone. SO lads, if you're relieving yourself and feel the need to sneeze, for the love of fuck let go of the wee chap. Because apparantly if you don't you'll get a pressure back blow, your hand will spasm and you will most probably burst your urethra.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 10:38, Reply)

most important thing anybody's told me
It's alright to do something stupid once in a while, just don't do anything really fucking stupid.
(NotReallyAHobo, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 4:57, Reply)

Re: Top Tippery
The correct spelling of "IZ U HAWT" is "IS YOU HOT", and the correct grammer is "Are you hot". Why is this a top tip? Correct grammer and spelling is useful for not looking/sounding like a complete spacker mong.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 11 Mar 2008, 15:23, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Top tippery
The correct answer to the question "IZ U HAWT?" is "I'd do me."
(DrSoloMania Got rickrolled by a randomburner...., Mon 10 Mar 2008, 20:26, Reply)

Another hiccups tip
If you have hiccups, make light of it by simply going about with your mouth slightly open as this will make them more pronounced. It also provides amusement if there are several small children about as they will piss themselves giggling.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 9 Mar 2008, 18:12, Reply)