Cyclists
Annoy cyclists by stabbing them in the eye with a fork.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:27, 12 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Boy -Racers
Make your car sound extra powerful by putting a fat bean-can style tail-pipe on it, and then drive everywhere at high revs because fucking about with the exhaust has cost you about 40bhp.

And that picnic table on the back that you laughably refer to as a spoiler doesn't help.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:26, Reply)

Chavs
Prevent chavs from racing stolen motorbikes up and down your street by viciously hacking them to pieces with a machete.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:23, Reply)

Jews
Goosestepping around a synagogue is not an appropriate method of breaking in new shoes.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:22, Reply)

Coroner
Murder someone at 8am each day and keep them in your house. If you need to know the time, simply pop a thermometer up the victim's rectum and you can calculate what time of day it is from how long the body has been dead.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:21, Reply)

eggs
Touching egg-shells gives you warts.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:18, Reply)

bathtime
Make kids' bathtime more fun by gaffa-taping a hairdryer to an ice-cream container to make an exciting powerboat.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:16, Reply)

French
Convince friends you are French by eating garlic, setting fire to sheep and not having a bath for weeks on end.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:14, Reply)

Forensic pathologists
Leave raw meat on the table when going on holiday. When you return you can analyse it in a laboratory to confirm how long you were away for.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:13, Reply)

Socialising
Avoid awkward silences when meeting in-laws by setting off fireworks in a tin bucket.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:12, Reply)

more contrived
If you've ran out of pringles, use the empty tube and some hairspray to make a cannon to fire the lid at some kit-e-kat.

I tried this, and it cured my cat's hiccups.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 23:55, Reply)

Car troubles
If your car's less than 10 years old and the engine warning lamp comes on, don't take it to the garage saying 'I don't know what's wrong', insist on a printout of the Diagnostic Trouble Code Read and Clear- clever comnputery things that talk to the car's engine management unit. This should tell you what is actually wrong and you should only get charged for what's gone wrong (and in some cases clearing it turns off the lamp and you get no more trouble). DTC read and clear costs £25-£40 but you'll be paying that anyway.

Otherwise you are asking for the teeth-drying suck which implies 'blank cheque time', especially if you're a lady.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 24 Mar 2008, 18:36, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

ceiling fan
Play Bukake Russian Roulette by wanking into a spoon and depositing the man-lard onto the blades of your ceiling fan. This is most fun when your missus is holding an Ann Summers party. Listen for the squeals when someone decides the room is getting stuffy and switches the fan on.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 23:45, Reply)

Fresh Pringles?
If you lose the lid off your pringles, peel the lid off a tin of Kit-e-kat, it fits just inside the tube of Pringles just right. Bonus benefit is that you have unique Rabbit and Turkey flavour Pringles.
(Ich Komme is adjusting his testicles, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 23:13, Reply)

Do you like your eyeglasses especially clean?
Use mouthwash after you brush your teeth in the morning, and clean your glasses directly afterwards with a cleaning cloth. The alchohol from the mouthwash will be on your breath, and your glasses will be much cleaner for it when you blow on them during the cleaning process.

I don't know how it works with spirits. Probably just as well, with the added bonus of getting shitfaced. To be fair, if you're necking shots after you've just brushed your teeth, I doubt you give too much of a fuck about keeping your glasses clean.
(teepee_uk sniggers whenever anyone uses the word 'period', Sun 23 Mar 2008, 1:23, Reply)

Cant think of a good tip?
Type some random bollocks, that will do.
(Ich Komme is adjusting his testicles, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 0:21, Reply)

Chinese government?
If you have slaughtered hundreds of Tibetan protesters in cold blood, be sure to publish a list of 21 most wanted offenders, they are sure to hand themselves in peacefully.
(Ich Komme is adjusting his testicles, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 0:13, Reply)

Necrophiliac?
No dead bodies? Go to Lidl and fuck a chicken in the chilled section, none of the skanks shopping in there are with it enough to report you to staff. An added bonus is that if you walk around the store for a while, it will be in the reduced section.
(Ich Komme is adjusting his testicles, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 0:00, Reply)

Wifes birthday prezzie
Buy her hypnotherapy sesions for stopping smoking/losing weight or whatever, then bung the therapist to deliver a mind trance to make her believe your putrid man fat does infact smell and taste like Baileys Irish cream.
(Ich Komme is adjusting his testicles, Sat 22 Mar 2008, 23:54, Reply)

Flashing your cock
Make your cock look bigger when flashing people- Make yourself visible only in drivers wing mirrors as objects appear larger than they actually are
(Ich Komme is adjusting his testicles, Sat 22 Mar 2008, 23:42, Reply)

FREE Classical Music CD Collection
I received one of those free sample classical music CDs in the post. Then, attracted by the next installmant of 3 more CDs and free gift storage rack for just the cost of the postage, I ticked the box. Every month 3 more CDs arrived along with an invoice which I ignored. This went on for about 9 months and I still hadn't paid a bean, when finally the red letter arrived demanding over a £100 plus further costs if I ignored it. I wrote back to them explaining that I was the new tenant at the address and said I'd marked all the deliveries "return to sender". Finally the debt collection agency wrote demanding an exorbitant amount and also threatening a court summons, so this time I wrote back pretending to be the landlord of my fictitious new character and backed up my previous story. And guess what...

...I never heard from them again, I've got a spanking Classical Music CD collection that I love playing every now and again, which makes me laugh out loud! The added bonus appears to be that I also get very little junk mail at this address these days?
(minky, Fri 21 Mar 2008, 14:59, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Tractor Drivers in Cumbria
When driving on long narrow twisty roads at night leave your rear facing headlight beams on full so that drivers who are trapped behind you are blinded by them. This has the added bonus of destroying any chance they have of seeing past you to judge whether or not they can overtake. If your lights are bright enough physical pain will ensue causing much hilarity to all concerned.



bastards
( Occulus Swallowed, instead of spat, on, Fri 21 Mar 2008, 13:56, Reply)

another weight loss tip
Eat something BEFORE you go shopping.

I've come home from the shops with the unhealthiest stuff, such as those "lardboard" cakes that would survive the Rapture. All down to the effects of a mild episode of hypoglycaemia.
( bnt what, me worry?, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 15:24, Reply)

Want to get fit?
Smoke Cigarettes before training.
In the same way that athletes do altitude training or spend time in a hypobaric chamber, the presence of carbon monoxide in the blood forces the body to use the oxygen it can get more efficiently.

That way, when you don't have a smoke for 12 or so hours before you need to use your new fitness, your oxygen carrying capacity has risen.

Then again, you may not actually end up excercising because you'd rather go to the pub for your 'training.'
(Edktstsss, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 3:10, Reply)

Van/Truck Drivers
Why not overfill your Diesel-tank, so that any hills/dips/speed humps or pot holes result in a puddle of the substance despoited on the road.

This way, Bikers and Cyclists can glide through it sideways and save themselves 3-4 months of fuel while they make repairs to their pride and sodding joy.
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:08, Reply)

Even if you are desperate

Never smoke a bong full of cheese, trust me.

Oh and if you do, remeber that a large Carlesberg china ash tray from the pub is not only far to small to catch the resulting spew, but will actually act like a parabolic amplifier spreading chunder all over you and the room.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 10:57, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Having trouble making friends?
don't bother, everyone is cunts anyway
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:33, Reply)

Stop tomato guts spilling when slicing....
....by slicing the tomato from the stalk end (i.e. cut the stalk bit clean off) first. Hey presto, all the seeds will stay inside the flesh. Try it tonight!
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:41, Reply)

to prevent splashback
always reel off a few sheets of toilet paper and throw into to bowl...when you finally release your mammoth todd it'll be caught by the paper and you'll avoid that feeling off disgust associated with eau de toillette showering your posterior.
hope this helps
(brickyhull, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 18:30, Reply)