Accidental and weird
Ash your cigarette into a full full can of coke. It makes a sound like it's bubbling and fizzing... and doesn't stop for ages.
(DrDjBeatboxBennyBStarMcClicks, Wed 7 May 2008, 13:48, Reply)

Avoid bending over to measure your foot
by measuring the distance from your elbow to your wrist instead - it's exactly the same!
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:28, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Make yourself feel more popular
by putting your e mail address into comments boxes on the internet, and signing up to every e mail newsletter you can find. Everyone knows that the more e mail you receive the more cool you appear.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:27, Reply)

Stopping Spam
Simply reply to the spammer with a friendly message along the lines of 'please remove me from your mailing list as your product does not interest me.' Since 90% of all spam is sent by just 3 people you do not have to do this many times to massively reduce your spam reception.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:26, Reply)

Get away with mass murder
Before setting out to single handedly wipe out your rival Triad gang with a machete, paint the ends of your fingers with clear (don't want to look like a girl) nail polish. That way when forensics turn up they'll be none of your finger prints left at the scene. Just seen it in 'Election 2'.
(OAFC, Tue 6 May 2008, 14:27, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Pissing off bar patrons
When a customer orders a round and asks for Guinness first, inconviently forget the first drink and serve all other lagers and bitters before asking "Urrrrr, what was the other?"

Thanks to Whitbread and their slow staff for reminding me of this on Friday.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Mon 5 May 2008, 23:34, Reply)

Pissing off bar staff
As the last item on your round, order one more pint of Guinness than there are Guinness taps on the bar.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 4 May 2008, 3:24, Reply)

When posting compo entries
Learn the difference between adj, n & v

/grammar police
(flamangathon is not local, Thu 1 May 2008, 18:37, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

If someone tells you that
Clint Eastwood is the son of Stan Laurel (from Laurel and Hardy) don't believe them.

also, don't get it dimly lodged in your memory and bring it up as fact when the person who told it to you is present.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 May 2008, 15:00, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How to piss people off.
First, download the Gremlin's theme tune onto your phone.

Secondly, play it every time someone stops talking, or when nothing is happening.

Great in cinemas, and many other places.
(lickmyballsandscrotum, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 19:12, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

One to remember...
If someone finds a 2 litre pop bottle with the bottom cut off in your kitchen, and they don't immediately work out what its really for... and wouldnt be impressed if they did.

Tell them its a mini-greenhouse that you made on the cheap for your blossoming "tomato" plants on the window sill. :D
(Kaplaaah Wasting time on the net since 1994., Wed 30 Apr 2008, 11:16, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Fed up of muddy footprints through your home?
Sprinkle a light layer of topsoil over all your carpets.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 9:56, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Don't wear clean underwear incase you get run over by a bus
because if you do actually get hit and lose consciousness you also automatically piss and shit yourself.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 8:24, Reply)

Want a REALLY clean face?
I give good advice and people should listen to me more, especially my idiot flatmate. For example:

ME: A, what are you using to clean your face?
A: Savlon.
ME: You do realise you're meant to dilute that stuff..?
A: Nah, it's not strong enough diluted.
ME: I'm pretty sure that's not good for your skin.
A: Well my skin's fine and I use it twice a day.
ME: Okay.

The next day she walked into the kitchen with the reddest face I've ever seen, complaining that *something* appears to have given her a rash. I have never had to make so much effort not to laugh!
(snow15white wants some lithium, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 4:11, Reply)

Gay? Not getting any?
Get yourself arrested - apparently there's plenty of action to be had in a prison shower.

Using soap, rather than shower gel, also improves your chances. If you're clumsy, that is
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sat 26 Apr 2008, 23:25, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Save money on washing bed sheets.
Simply buy Febreeze, and spray the sheets before you go out if you are expecting to get laid. This also works for underwear, jeans and T'shirts.
(Lo-couk, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 23:15, Reply)

Save yourself getting arrested on Child Porn charges
and download midget porn instead. It's very similar and the added bonus is the tits/cocks are adult sized.
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 23:08, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

NEVER EVER EVER
Take laxitive and a sleeping pill on the same night
(fase69, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:25, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Never confuse correlation with causation
Since realising this, my life has been so much better.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 17:58, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

If your little brother is doing his 'oh so important' GCSE coursework...
Access the autocorrect function in Word, and replace "Analysis" with "Anal Sex". 9 times out of 10 they won't notice until they've handed it in.
( Furness, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 14:14, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

When you cook spaghetti,
hold the spaghetti with one hand and stand it in the centre of the water. Twist the spaghetti with the other hand and let go. The spaghetti will fall fairly evenly around the pan and as it heats up, will gradually get sucked into the water.

It's quite spooky to watch it do this, but then again, I'm very easily amused.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:37, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Shaving tip
I read in Neil Gaiman's blog yesterday the tip that if you want a clean shave, then rub your stubble with hair conditioner, leave for a couple of minutes and then shave.

I tried it last night, and it really works.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:45, 9 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Hiccups
If someone in your group has hiccups, challenge them to hiccup. Demand that they hiccup that instant. Start mocking and taunting them that they can't hiccup.

Peer pressure kills hiccups.

True story.
(skiddy, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 13:23, Reply)

Milk through eyes / cum tears
If you snort milk up your nose and hold your nose and blow like you do to relieve pressure, the milk will drip out of your eye.
(Sverre my password is "password", Tue 22 Apr 2008, 23:15, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Don't
watch 'the orphanage'.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 22:05, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Never EVER
scratch Desmonds sofa.
(xwoody01, Mon 21 Apr 2008, 19:34, Reply)

Deja Vu
Don't press snooze more than 5 times or you'll get deja vu all day.
(xwoody01, Mon 21 Apr 2008, 19:31, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Spam and Nigerian scam e-mails
reply to the scam e-mails giving the details of various Debt recovery agents as a contact (or other similiar scum bag companies you have a particular dislike for) - all the better if you can give the mobile number/ main number urging them to " phone me now!"

(set up a separate email account for the replies, as the spam traffic will increase 300%, once you respond)

then sit back and enjoy as the Debt recovery company has to field calls from countless Nigerian Princes, ex presidents etc
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Mon 21 Apr 2008, 14:57, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)