Annoy new-age hippy type people
by replacing their incense sticks with dry spaghetti strands.

Go stick some in a flame and you'll see what I mean.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 22:17, Reply)

Amuse yourself at a blind-friend's expense
by challenging him to a pube-burning contest. Laugh as he flaps about with his own private bushfire while you simulate the smell by burning a few nail-clippings.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 22:15, Reply)

True fact
It's never wise to upset a Wookie according to my mate Han.
(BombayMick Dogs are better than cats, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 17:04, Reply)

Amusing trick
Pretend you've won Formula 1 by placing your thumb over the end of the penis at the point of ejaculation. This creates a rather amusing champagne-bottle spray as seen on the winners podium, and a more satisfying facial. Providing she doesn't wake up.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 1:00, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Proper top tip, that I've just tested
Got hiccups that won't fuck off? They start off amusing, but they lose their appeal after a minute or so. Someone told me a cure and I thought "that's just silly", but I tested it not 5 mins ago, and it works.

To get rid of hiccups, suck the juice out of a wedge of lemon. Hiccups stop immediately.

Now the science bit:
I've not a bastard clue why or how.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 0:51, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

snow
dont worry about yellow snow, its the red snow you need to watch out for.
(Jacques Lally Honk has been beating wood since, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:40, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

just thought of this
if you eat your breakfast cereal with a fork you can reuse the milk for all sorts of things.
i'll be off now.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Mon 12 Jan 2009, 2:20, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tip For Life
Don't wipe your arse on broken bottles.
(Livi70590 Did not vote Conservative on:, Sun 11 Jan 2009, 15:54, Reply)

how to give yourself enormous back pain during an exam
When taking a 3 hour short-essay format test in those lecture halls with the small fold-out writing surfaces - if you're right handed, make sure to sit in one of the few left handed seats, but don't notice that you've made an error until exams are out and noone can switch spots. If you're left handed, just get a right handed desk. My spine made some weird sounds for a day or two after 3 hours of being hunched over my left knee frantically scribbling my way towards an A- in the course...

oh and another useful one: if you need to bring a tear to your eye and/or induce a sneeze, yank a nosehair out
(chickensoupforyourface, Sun 11 Jan 2009, 7:49, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Some actual top tips
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood.

more : www.hairshearsblog.com/scissor-sharpening/how-many-of-these-did-you-know-about
(thereisnopoons until, Sat 10 Jan 2009, 23:01, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

E4 Book of Bad Films
is complete and utter shit.
(denki, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 17:13, Reply)

Receipts.
If you find yourself with an accumulation of old receipts in your wallet/purse, DO NOT THROW THEM AWAY! They will be invaluable when you've just squeezed out a turd of epic proportions in the pub toilets, only to realise that there is, in fact, not tissue.
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 14:56, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Language.
Dont mix up "Kabukki" with "Bukkake"; its a very different performance, trust me.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 8:14, Reply)

Kitchen cupboard cocktails!
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
(gavreel1978, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 1:03, Reply)

The cling film method for poaching eggs works well for duck eggs
put in boiling water for two minutes turn off the heat and leave for a further 1.5-2 minutes.
( Peej, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 13:11, Reply)

Bottles of Pop
The top half of a 2 litre bottle of pop makes a handy funnel for pouring in windscreen washer fluid.
( Weejock, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 9:33, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Try to catch Mr. T off guard, and go for the jaw.
It's how I knocked him out, once.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 8 Jan 2009, 2:21, Reply)

Like a banana mid-morning?
Find that by the time you get to work it's bruised?

Use a glove as a banana-cosy so that it doesn't get bruised in your bag.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 16:12, Reply)

Kids Clothes
Name all your kids "George" then buy all their clothes from Asda, thereby removing the need to sew in costly name tags.
(cuntchops, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 13:57, Reply)

Recycle your old books!
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.
(gavreel1978, Tue 6 Jan 2009, 22:35, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

When fitting a new toilet
(the first time I've ever done any plumbing btw)

always remember to attach the waste pipe before testing that it flushes ok.
(Kip, Tue 6 Jan 2009, 9:57, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Motorists
When being cavity-searched in the street by police, ensure you bend over on the lower passenger side of your windscreen so that your torso covers up the expired tax-disc.
(costas, Mon 5 Jan 2009, 9:40, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Policemen/women want an easy bust on a slow day?
Do a PNC check on car registration BD51 RWP. Then go round an issue a ticket for a dodgy side light.

Oh, and check the owners arse with a full swarfega lubed cavity search, bound to be drugs up there.
(bukowski_jr whatever, Sun 4 Jan 2009, 23:40, Reply)

Monarch Air
If you're taller than 5ft tall, don't bother with Monarch Air. They have the shortest legroom known to man. I was left crippled after a torturous 5hr flight to Egypt. Twunts!
(bukowski_jr whatever, Sun 4 Jan 2009, 23:34, Reply)

Motorists
Don't waste time and energy flashing your lights at a car registered BD51 RWP to alert the driver to a faulty passenger-side headlight. I know it's gone, I just can't be arsed to fix it.
(costas, Sun 4 Jan 2009, 19:33, Reply)

Curry-eating pile sufferers
Keep your medicated moistened toilet tissue in the fridge. You'll find them cooling, soothing and yet, slightly shocking!

Just remember to collect them from the fridge ON THE WAY TO THE BOG.

DAMHIKT
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 3 Jan 2009, 17:41, Reply)

Dwarves and Midgets...
...don't let your reduced stature cause you anxiety; simply pretend you are normal size and you live in the "Land of the Giants".
(mcnelson, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 21:37, Reply)

You will love me for years to come
In the winter keep your bog (toilet) roll on top of a radiator. Those cold mornings will be spent in a much happier place.


Not used toilet paper. Thats just filthy, dispose of that how you would normally.
(haroweld, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 17:07, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Virus and Malware writers:
Why not include a little pop-up window with your e-mail address, in your next piece of "work". This will make it so much easier for the thousands of people like me, who have just been forced to spend hours (despite fairly secure surfing practice) digging the latest examples of your handiwork out of their system; to congratulate your 'mad l33t haxxor skills'* or whatever the fuck you think you're doing when you code your latest piece of digital tripe.

* may actually involve tracking them down and smashing their stupid faces in with a Tyre Iron. Followed by my brief yet highly publicised trial for GBH, acquittal by a jury of equally indignant computer users; and finally picking up a small Knighthood in the New Year's Honours, for services to society.

You owe me hours, you bastards. The garden needs weeding, but instead I had to weed out your persistent little DNS re-router. I have laundry to do, but instead I had to clean the registry. I have legal cases to assemble, jobs to apply for, real work to do with my PC; and you've stopped me.

If you feel the overwhelming need to involve yourselves in other peoples lives, why not devote your energies in ways that improve society? There are many charitable organisations that always need volunteers, and in the end this will be a far more worthwhile legacy than simply proving to thousands of people what an utter thoughtless little shite you can be, and how effectively you can steal a little of their time that they'll never get back.

/rant
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 13:43, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

President
Becoming the next president of the USA will probably get you assassinated, so don't bother.
( thelastryan working on a technicality, Thu 1 Jan 2009, 21:02, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)