If you're gonna slash fuck out of your thigh with a razor
at least put down newspaper so the blood doesn't get everywhere!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 8 Jul 2009, 8:09, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Booger storage Tip
Store all the boogers and nail clippings you collect during a long film in your belly button for later disposal so they don't get lost all over the couch.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 22:49, Reply)

Employers
If you instruct applicants to complete an application form and return it by e-mail, please provide it in something other than PDF. In the time it took me to convert and fiddle with the formatting in Word, I could have come to your office in person and told you my life history.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Tue 7 Jul 2009, 18:37, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tube Tip
If you don't want to look like a dickhead, don't press OPEN right before the doors open automatically anyway.
( PointlessCamel Last one on drugs is a queer., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 23:26, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sex tip
Don't ever under any circumstances squirt your man goo into a ladies mingebob-square-pants unless you are 100% sure you are at a stage in your life where you MIGHT want a child.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 16:58, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

great on for hiccups!
I was always given various old wives tale ways of getting rid of hiccups and always after the second time, they no longer worked, I guess it's the "magic" you think they have that makes them work those first two times! So when I was given this tip for getting rid of hiccups, I was impressed to find that it worked, but also that it continues to work a year after I was told about it!!

So here it is,

first, suck in a big breath and hold it, whilst you're doing that, hold your radial pulse.
second, after 10 seconds, suck in another big breath WITHOUT exhaling and hold for as long as you can, then exhale very slowly!!

sounds ridiculous, but it really works!!! try it!!
(Dutch Lover! roses are red, violets are stupid and so are you, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 22:45, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Want to look sexy, on a budget?
Well, pluck off spider's legs and glue them to your eyelids, for cheap, stylish false lashes.
(Earthling wants a silver moustache to show off to his chums, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 12:27, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

PARENTS:
A small amount of cement added to your child's sandcastle will ensure that his/her hard work is not ruined when the tide comes in.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 11:22, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Got the painters in?
Save money on sanitary towels and tampons.

Use natures towel, moss. Just go out and shove a bunch of absorbant moss up your clunge.
(knackerz is skinning up, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 4:34, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Rapists...
Shout "Suprise" first, then it don't count!*





Please note this has not been tested............
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 15:43, Reply)

Kids on work experience
Be aware that in the future you will not be able to call your boss a "boring old cunt" so take the opportunity to do so whilst you can do so without fear of losing your job.

Your future self will thank you for it.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 12:28, Reply)

Snails failing to prevail?
Snails failing to prevail? Ailing? Flailing? Wailing? Pale? Frail?

Give them some ale.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 29 Jun 2009, 17:42, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Rapists!
Collect other people's DNA evidence to leave behind, lower your chances of conviction.
( Want Bartender Time gentlemen please.., Mon 29 Jun 2009, 14:58, Reply)

MJ
Popstar who you're too young to remember and whose music you only know through student cheese-nights has died?

Why not download the best of from iTunes and play it loudly to the office all day, frequently commenting on 'what a great song this is!' as though you've never heard it before, then complain that someone's 'showing no respect' when they ask you to turn it off, as though it's like your fucking brother died or something.

Bint.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Mon 29 Jun 2009, 14:47, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't surf the internet naked
With a laptop on your lap. You could burn your dinkle.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 27 Jun 2009, 2:51, Reply)

Fat? Alive? Unhappy?
Simply burst.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 16:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

When taking the train
Don't ever sit near the toilets. If there should be an accident and you suffer the indignity of actually dying you may end doing so while being covered in someones else's shit.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 2:02, Reply)

Bulb broken in the mens' loos?
Gentlemen, just because you know where everything is and how to use it all, that does not mean the absence of light won't make it any harder. Instead of feeling smug about it and going for it, do it sitting down instead. And when you've finished, do put the seat back up in case the next man is not aware of this tip.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 20:14, Reply)

Disco Tip
Best not run around shoving your stinky finger under your mates noses after you've just fingered Sharon Edwards at the school disco because she will punch you in the face when she finds out.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 18:15, Reply)

When you've not smoked for 4 years.
Don't reach for the fags two days after splitting up with your girlfriend of 4.5yrs, it's the road to ruin and one so easily joined.

Has anyone tried one of those 'e' cigarettes? They're a fuck load cheaper than number 1 in the long term. and want to know if they're worth the outlay.


*and no telling tales, you know who you are! X


(Kip, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 10:30, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

got a hot water pipe that goes 'gurgle' when you hit it with a heavy book?
then dont hit it with a heavy book.
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 4:03, Reply)

Don't do this!
A mate of mine apparently did :/

Don't, at the point of climax whilst having intercourse, shout, "Go, go Power Rangers!" She wont be impressed!
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 17:50, Reply)

Save a fortune on household cleaning products and help the environment at the same time.
All your cleaning product can be made from the same few products. I have listed the prices that are current to Sainsburies:

Lemon juice (squeezey bottle) - £0.32p
Bicarb of soda - £0.75p
Distilled vinegar 1l (not malt) - £1.38p
Table salt - £0.42
Tea tree oil - £4.13p
Total - £7.00p

These will last a about two months, you will also need a couple of left over spray bottle from your original cleaners.

Surfaces, sinks, toilets and hobs: 1/3 vinegar, about three table spoons of lemon juice (or a good squirt), two teaspoons of teatree oil and fill the rest up with water (shake well before use).
This will clean all surfaces around the house including the kitchen, hobs, sinks and toilets.
When cleaning toilets and sinks spray and then lightly sprinkle (I use an icing sugar shaker) bicarbonate of soda over the bowl or sinks and then give a good scrub. This method also shine taps and household metal up a treat. The lemon makes the it smell nice and acts as a bleach, the vinegar disinfects as does the tea tree oil but gives a great shine. The foaming action of the bicarb lifts dirt and works with the lemon to smell nice and fresh.

Windows and mirrors: Use the same mixture on the hob, if you have stubborn stain pour half/half salt and bicarb and make a paste with the spray. That works as a great scourer.

For windows and mirrors use a 50/50 vinegar and water mix and use old newspaper not a cloth (although this tends to have issues with Windows Vista but what doesn't). The paper soaks up the water and stops streaking while the vinegar shines. Most window and mirror cleaners are vinegar based anyway.

Wood and non carpeted floors: Use half a cup of vinegar in half a bucket of warm water.

There was many more uses for these products including carpet stain removers and air freshers just to name two but those are the basics.

So if you assume these will last you two months, that's your household cleaning for 88p a week assuming that you clean your house everyday. If you only do it once a week then we're talking 12p a week.
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Sun 21 Jun 2009, 11:22, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Want to know if you're intelligent or incomptent?
A former lecturer of mine (who was actually a bit of a cunt) told me that the difference between an intelligent person and an average joe was thus.

The average joe keeps pressing the button at the crossing thinking it'll speed up the traffic stopping process.

The intelligent person realises that one press will suffice.

Take heed.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 20 Jun 2009, 23:28, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ultimate BLT morning after sarnie courtesy of Lidls, feed 4 for under a fiver:
2 packs Milton Gate high quality no added water smoky bacon (lean or streaky as preferred) currently 99p each
1 'living salad' (still growing in soil) 99p
1 'living herb' pot of chives (as above) 99p
1 tube of tomato paste 25p
1 wholemeal loaf 65p

Make 2 sandwiches at a time, grill one pack of bacon and while it's cooking set up your bread, butter it and smear a good amount of tomato paste on one slice, cut and rinse your lettuce and chives and add the lettuce on the buttered only slice and the chives on the tomatoed one, when bacon is done add 4 slices each on top of the lettuce, construct and cut sandwich, serve, start on the next 2.

Takes about 8 minutes, bloody lovely!
( ..wil, Sat 20 Jun 2009, 13:36, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you think Twitter is a good idea..
...here is proof that it isn't:

seriouslythatsyourtwitterpic.tumblr.com/
( JockyMcSporan has a pointy head but no pointy chin..., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 17:19, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Cups
Unsightly coffee or tea stains on your favourite white mug that washing up liquid won't get rid of? Slap some toothpaste on your finger and go nuts. Since toothpaste is a fine abrasive, it will succeed where other methods fail. GO TOOTHPASTE!
(Merrep, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:42, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fuse Box
If you think a fuse in your fuse box has blown and can see damn well it has, don't drive to Wicks to get more fuse wire and then spend half an hour trying to fit the pissing stuff and have it still not work, then ringing the maintenance guy, all the while the food in your freezer is defrosting!
Just check if you have another, yes another, fuse box in your house that may have a circuit breaker in that could be the cause of the problem. Dumb fucking rented flat!
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Genuine gardening top tip.
If, like me you can't be buggered to spend hours digging up the tap-roots of the weeds in your garden, to garuntee eliminating the pesky fuckers there's a simple solution.
Cut the top off the plant and pour spirit vinegar onto cut stem.This will fuck with the plants P.H balance and swiftly kill it,right down to the root.
As vinegar is cheaper than bottled water this will save you a fortune over buying 'Weed-fucker' or 'Lawn-Max' or similar over-priced shite and is better for the environment.
You might like to spend the cash you saved on Scotch and fags.Just an idea.
(yob soddoth happiness is a Dane called Hamlet?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 12:57, Reply)

For those thinking of upgrading to Windows Vista...
...DON'T. Stick with XP, 98, your old Amstrad, your ZX spectrum, your slide rule, whatever. If you want a stressful life then get a crack habit, or get convicted of a sex offence and ask to be put in the main wing at the Scrubbs. Or cut off your limbs with a chainsaw. None of those things can be any worse than running Vista.

Imagine Basil Fawlty with Tourette's. That's me after I've been running Vista for an hour. In short, Vista is floody, bucking SHITE!

I'm a reasonably competent user and my PC is well up to spec to run this turd of an OS. God knows what it's like for people just starting out.

This is written in anger after a 10 minute job became 4 hours after being interrupted by freezes, unexpected errors (though I should expect them by now) and other general hassles. Of course, I'll delete this post if I ever get to like Vista. That'll be around the time they make me England captain. Or I go out and buy a Mac.
(eesnahk, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 12:46, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)