End-of-Hot-Day Bell-End?
Pinch the foreskin almost shut and have a widdle. Cleans everything out and the mild smell of piss is better than a mild smell of knob-cheese.
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 3:01, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

A high-street yankee Fast Food chain wanting to appeal to the yout' dem?
If it's also the 1990's, blatantly rip off viz top tips and play them on the telly to advertise your excerable burgers.

Watch the custom and money come rolling in.. Or not.
(wuckfit Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori., Thu 17 Dec 2009, 2:58, Reply)

Suicide bombers
mainly target Catholic girls' schools to ensure a ready supply of higher quality virgins when you get to paradise. Virgins found in marketplaces are invariably still virgins for a reason.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 20:12, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Suicide Bombers
I heard a good idea for ending all suicide bombings: distribute pictures of Susan Boyle and say this is what a virgin looks like.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 19:15, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Blood. BLOOD. BLOOOOOOOOOOOD.
Fact: a well-mixed combination of water, glycerine and FD&C Red 40 can act as a passable substitute for blood. Mix it with a little saccharin (< 0.1% by weight) to improve the taste.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 22:29, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Just a thought
put the ignore link beside the user name to save pissed users "ignoring" instead of clicking "reply"
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 19:54, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

WORK
People never seem to have enough time to do a job properly. But they always have time to go back and finish it off.

Do it right, be proud and worry not.
(Sprite, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:07, Reply)

Honest-to-God good advice
If you're studying something, or need to memorise things, put a timer on for twenty-one minutes before you do something else (a new subject or a short break, perhaps). The rigid schedule will eventually fit your attention span perfectly and you won't end up staring blankly at a page of text not taking any of it in, and if you are getting bored you have a defined end point to work until.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 12:44, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you ever want to pretend you're an anime porn character during sex
Men: Fill two or three balloons with a mixture of a salt (not too much!) and egg white. When you climax, pop them, making sure it goes all over the place, especially on the woman.

Women: Pretend you love it when that happens.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 12:29, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Planning on breaking a cycling marathon world record?
Don't bother if you like having friends, spare time, a pile free arse and any form of body fat.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sat 12 Dec 2009, 21:37, Reply)

If you're ever shagging a pineapple
make sure it's ever so slightly over-ripe and quite soft. Also, skin it for about a quarter inch AROUND the hole.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 12 Dec 2009, 21:34, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Setting fire
to your pubic hair is not a good way to mask the smell of your farts.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 23:39, Reply)

Are you a male driver
Try putting a woman as a named driver on your insurance. I do this every time and it lowers it by a considerable margin. This year for example the woman I have put on mine has 6 points and an outstanding claim against her for rear ending someone and I still saved £60 on what they quoted when it was just me. Might not work for everyone but it always seems to lower mine.
( Peej, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 10:13, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Do you like being treated like like dog shit?
If getting your bollocks trampled on by an exceptionally expensive leather clad dominatrix is starting to loose the pleasure it once gave you then fear no more, your dignity and shame can be lost in equal measure without the pain. All you have to do is go shopping in Marks and Spencer during 'HRT' hour. 6.30pm-8.30pm is the time when pastel clad, spectacle wearing, middle aged, middle class women roam the isles looking at all and sundry like they are the lowest scum known to man, these women will twat you with their copy of the daily mail should you come to close. You have been warned.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 21:40, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Support Richard Dawkins' arguments
by allowing the surviving 0.1% of germs on your worksurface to evolve into superbugs that can withstand any cleaning products you may spray on them.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 5 Dec 2009, 13:16, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Always drop a bit of folded- up bog roll into the toilet before taking a dump.
The benefits are threefold:

- You don't get a soaking wet arse
- You can conceal the potentially embarassing splash noise
- You will never be left without anything to wipe with, because you checked the paper avaliability before you even de-trousered.

Et voila.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 13:53, 10 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Brown marks
Hello,

Remove the brown tea marks from inside a mug by rinsing it in cool water then scrub in the inside with salt then rinse with cool water again. Works every time.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 12:10, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid Public Awkwardness
When lowering your testicles into a Dyson Airblade hand-dryer to see what it feels like, try to fall against the door when you collapse to the ground in agony. This will prevent passers-by from rushing in to see where the sobbing is coming from.
(costas, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 12:22, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Sat near to the toilet in a plane?
Have fun by carefully timing your farts to coincide with the toilet door opening and the person emerging. This ensures that they get the blame for any nasty niffs (and also prevents your other half from whinging!)
( Vambo, Wed 2 Dec 2009, 12:15, Reply)

Avoid embarrassment
in front of your teenage kids by checking that you did unlock the car properly rather than think you unlocked it and have assumed the door is iced shut, spending time squirting it with de-icer trying to thaw it out.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 15:34, Reply)

Have you made someone else's toilet smell?
Mask the smell by striking a match and set fire to the curtains.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 19:48, Reply)

if you want to make top gear shit
innocently watch the endless repeats on dave then find the new series just feels like a repeat you havent seen yet and you'll be channel hopping in minutes
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 19:06, Reply)

To suppress the gag reflex
squeeze your left thumb in your left fist.

Seems to work, but I've not really er, road tested it much. But my tongue is minty fresh.
(Richeh, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 16:52, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Smelly toilet?
Got to go in a smelly toilet? Simply strike a match - the sulphur released will instantly change the atmosphere and make it less stinky. And the chances of being blown to shreds are really very small.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 9:08, Reply)

Humiliate a person in authority
Fill your teacher/boss/nurse/ prison guards umberella with wedding confetti and close it shut.
On a rainy day somewhere in the future much hilarity will ensue when they open it.For extra funnies use maggots instead of confetti and film it for youve been framed
(tomma turn around an bite you every time, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 16:32, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Enterpreneurs
Sell frozen mash potato out the back of your own car singing a doodoodoodoo tune
Short sighted children will flock to you thinking you are a genuine ice cream van.
They are too blind to realise they have been duped until you are long gone
(tomma turn around an bite you every time, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 16:25, Reply)

Advice
Never get out of the boat!
( b3tz, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 22:23, Reply)

Nosebleed?
Wrap a shoelace or equivalent around your left hand (across the palm) two or three times and then pull the end of the lace sharply down. This should stem the flow. Used many times on many different subjects: always successful.

Would love to take the credit for this but I was shown this by a coach at a kids football match.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 27 Nov 2009, 16:01, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)