Monster tips
Prevent monsters from sleeping under your bed by sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Additionally avoid them climbing out of your closet at night by dumping your closet and keeping all your clothes in a pile on the floor instead. For extra protection build a wall with all your stuff around your mattress.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 12 Oct 2010, 11:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Vick
Have you just applied Vick Vapour Rub to your chest? Avoid scratching your scrotum afterwards, it isn't pleasant
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 12 Oct 2010, 11:16, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Lead
Replace the lead flashing on your roof with mercury to deter would-be thieves
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 12 Oct 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Printer
If you feel a sneeze coming on when leaning over a printer make sure you look the other way when you do sneeze. There's a possibility that your next printout will have nose excreta pressed into it like some sort of official looking yet grotty wax-seal.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 12 Oct 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Increase your walking pace
by inhaling sharply, and then face backwards to exhale.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 16:33, Reply)

avoid breathing out too hard
when walking forwards, it'll slow you down
(tort, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 12:08, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid disgusting morning breath...
By waking up in the afternoon.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 8:55, Reply)

Are you sarcastic?
Find an outlet for your witty mockings by dressing them up as top tips and posting them online.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Mon 11 Oct 2010, 6:32, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

When your husband drills through a live wire in the kitchen wall
don't get your nephew out to fix it, even if he is a real trained electrician. He'll take the piss like mad.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Tip for bank workers
Stop pretending to run a radio station and singing lyrics to things like "Isa, isa baby". Pretend to run a bank first. That might attract more customers.
(dchurch bah, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 8:02, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Motorways
Dear Highways Agency, Increase the accuracy of the information on your Matrix signs by adding the word "MAYBE"
(Canine Madras, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 4:29, Reply)

Middle mouse button + right click = Homepage
In Firefox. Just found that out today.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:56, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If any b3tards *do* ever go to Hull...
...remember to carry this short dictionary with you.

Burn: Part of a skeleton
Curled: Not hot
Curler: Type of fizzy drink (esp. Kurker-Curler)
Dare: 24 hours
Fern: Apparatus for talking over long distances
Girl: Objective
Hurled: Have in one's hand/hands
Learner: Anti-social person
Pearls: People from Poland
Perp: Head of the Catholic Church
Smirk: Have a cigarette
Stern: Small rock or large pebble
Surfer: Large item of furniture
Tern: Shade of colour or pitch of noise
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:38, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If a gentleman approaches you with a friend and a girl,
and gently inquires "Are you looking at my bird?", the correct response is *not* "Which one's your bird?"
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:00, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't go looking up old school girlfriends on Facebook
You can easily spoil all your favourite wank fantasies in a single session.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 15:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Bully people into doing what you want them to do.
Much more fun.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:49, Reply)

Supermarket workers!
Looking after the self-service tills? Do the tills talk to you all day - "Welcome to XXX" "Place item on scale" "Please choose from popular items" "Do you wish to PAY BY CARD?" "PAYBYCARDPAYBYCARDPAYBYCARD"?

Do you find all the sounds getting louder, all blending together into a foggy mess, bouncing out of one ear, off the wall and back in to fuse in to "Please place the thank YOUFOR shipping ON THE POPULAR ITEMS and put the PAYBYCARD in the BASKET at XXX WELCOME to"?

Try not to go mad.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 13:06, Reply)

Need to describe middle age by using basic algebraic questioning?
Expand and simplify.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 12:50, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Spectacles
Make fellow tube travellers think you wear glasses by pressing the end of a spoon into the upper sides of you nose before you leave for work
(Spin Its a thing., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 23:07, Reply)

Bus drivers
Smile and thank other road users occasionally, it won't kill you!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Fed up with a cold splash on your arse as you drop the kids off?
Simply place a couple of sheets of bog roll down the toilet before evacuating.
(Sir General ***WoW***, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 18:58, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Searching for a file containing some specified text?
Want Windows to actually bother to look for it?

See "Method 2" here: support.microsoft.com/kb/309173
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 18:01, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Reversing Sensors (if you have them)
When reversing, never go faster than you can react to the reversing sensors going off.

Be good if you actually looked behind you too...
(RTFM May your god go with you, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 13:18, Reply)

Jews
Fancy a kosher alternative to pork scratchings? Simply stick some unwanted foreskins into a Breville sandwich maker.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 21:25, 9 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you dont know the words to a song
And dont want to look uncool by not knowing the latest chart topper,
hum along and you will still be the king of cool
( Gawain the oven safe flan tin willy bum fart poo, Sat 2 Oct 2010, 22:53, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pumpkins, who knew you could cook with them?
A mate's got me into squashes, you can just cut em up and bake em, lovely with a few other chopped veg sprayed with oil on a tray, but they also make fantastic soup, butternut is becoming a fave but today as they're now selling 'em ready for Halloween, I tried a pumpkin, about the size of a football.

Chopped, skin and innards removed (just chop the whole thing into smaller bits and deal with each part individually), you get a LOT to play with so don't worry about being too finicky with the skin removal, cup of water in the pan with a large nob of butter, on the boil and while it's going chop the rest up.

I added 2 large onions, a mild Jalapeno chopped fine, 2 chopped carrots chunky style, a yellow pepper again quite finely chopped, lotsa dill, 3 garlic cloves, 2 chopped one crushed, 3 basil leaves, and some soy sauce to taste (I always prefer it to salt), medium heat and stir it every few minutes so it doesn't stick, for approx 15-20 mins or just until it looks like soup.

At the last minute I had a brainwave and grilled 3 pieces of smoked bacon till crisp, chopped them into little strips and added them into the pot for a touch of smokiness.

The pumpkin basically melted into something resembling lentil soup, making a tasty base for all the other ingredients, I let it rest a bit before starting on it so as it wasn't so hot I can't taste it, enjoying it now, dipping in periodically, very warming, very comforting too as I have teh flu right now, I recommend it.

Wish I had some warm crusty bread, then this would be heaven. Might be on the menu for the Halloween party methinks!
( ..wil, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 21:27, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When shaving with a cut-throat razor for the first time
Make sure you've watched as many 'how to' vids on YouTube as you can so you know what you're doing. With emphasis on the razor stropping and the preparation of the face. Otherwise it will feel like trying to shave with a bit of a broken plate.

And you WILL cut your face.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 17:43, Reply)

Man right up
by shaving with a cut-throat razor
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 17:40, Reply)

Used Car Salesmen
When showing a prospective purchaser round your vehicle, it's probably in your interests NOT to laugh and say "Whoever heard of a 1.3l diesel engine?" when the customer enquires about the engine size/ fuel type.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 9:33, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Railway Companies*
The normally empty 'Travel Updates' section of your website would make a wonderful place to keep commuters up to date of any delays and cancellations.

*Especially Translink
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Thu 30 Sep 2010, 13:56, Reply)