budgies are not very bright
the one we had when I was a child was something of a rocket scientist amongst budgies. but still, in the grand scheme of things, not very bright. however, budgies are as curious as they are stupid, and this is not a great combination.

joey wasn't allowed in the kitchen, but my brother and I used to sneak it in there because it was so funny dancing around all the shiny things and thinking there were other budgies hiding in the toaster and the kettle. then one day its beady eyes fell on the tall spaghetti jar. and its entire tiny life purpose became dedicated to solving the mystery: what was in the jar? (it was a glass jar. clearly it was spaghetti.)

joey flew up to the top of the jar and managed to gain purchase on the lip. it spent ages trying to heave off the wooden lid, probably equivalent to me trying to haul the cover off a well. then my mother came in and joey was banished instantly. this was repeated over several weekend, until eventually joey's persistence paid off. the vanquished enemy lay on the kitchen floor, with the triumphant joey perched on the lip of the jar, cocking its head to peer down at it like parrots do.

unfortunately for joey, its irresponsible 6 and 8 year old owners had fucked off. so when the inevitable happened, and joey fell in the jar, we weren't around to rescue it. it must have spent at least an hour squashed up in a glass tube, beak and tail mashed against the glass, wondering what the fuck was going on.

eventually someone came in and rescued it, and the freed prisoner flew around the kitchen in happy relief. then, on its second circuit, its beady eye once more alighted on the spaghetti jar.

in the end, we had to get rid of the jar, as my mother got sick of having a jar of spaghetti that we could never eat.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 8:30, 29 replies)

Were there no cupboards in the kitchen,
or did your mum just not like spaghetti?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 9:24, closed)

the jar was very tall, and didn't fit in the cupboard
for a while we had spaghetti in a different pot in the cupboard and a jar of useless spaghetti that you couldn't eat because a stupid budgie had spent hours squashed on top of it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 9:30, closed)

I thrive on little details like this.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 9:58, closed)

to fair, even a 30 year old spaghetti jar and a budgie that's been dead for 20 years are more interesting than the usual
sweaty internet virgin upset on the internet no youn no YOUN haha dun trolled a troll lol upset
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 10:11, closed)

Counting down the seconds until one of the usuals posts
"^ upset ^"
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Tue 4 Mar 2014, 10:21, closed)

Settle down, who rustled your jimmies?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 10:43, closed)

You should've kept the spaghetti jar to bury it in.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 10:23, closed)

nah, that's what biscuit tins are for
unless you're my friend peter, and you don't bother.

and your cat digs it up 2 days later and brings it back in.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 10:28, closed)

I used to bury my neighbour's cat's kills,
which would invariably be dug up and devoured by a fox, the following evening.
Foxes are much better than cats.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 11:23, closed)

Without legislation though,
cats are much better at avoiding being savaged by packs of posh hounds.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 13:46, closed)

Well
you got that right.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 1:19, closed)

To be fair
hospitals clean the instruments that they use to operate on people by putting them in boiling water for 10 minutes, so a budgies arse on your raw spaghetti shouldn't really be any barrier to eating it.
(username failed moderation, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 12:37, closed)

This isn't any birdshit,
this is sterilised birdshit.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 12:53, closed)

This is...
Marks and Spencer, double-irradiated, Melopsittacus undulatus birdshit.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 13:44, closed)

In my old supermarket job I frequently had this argument with my boss, who kept bollocking me for throwing away split bags of frozen veg.
Fuck the food hygiene law, he'd say, wrap the thing up and mark it down. The customers are going to boil the stuff anyway.
Oh, so all the dirt and other shit that's got into the bag just magically vanishes when placed into boiling water? was my normal reply.

Top tip: NEVER buy marked down frozen food unless it's clearly a short date issue
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 19:55, closed)

Tell him to boil a shit and eat it.

(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 13:18, closed)

You must live in The North
if your surgeons use instruments "boiled in water for 10 minutes". They get pressure-steamed or irradiated, not run through a fucking dishwasher.
(SlantedScience, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 1:02, closed)

Yes, but
nobody cooks spaghetti in an autoclave, so it wouldn't have made sense.
(username failed moderation, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 8:52, closed)

I do.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 14:23, closed)

You can't expect me to
cover every base.

I think the only solution is to feed the budgie to the cat, then microwave the cat.
(username failed moderation, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 8:28, closed)

Pressure cooking spaghetti works just fine.

(speedevil, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 18:31, closed)

Only on b3ta would you get an argument involving a brain surgeon
and a budgie's arse
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 5 Mar 2014, 13:46, closed)

hahaha

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 16:39, closed)

You could always, you know, just break the spagehetti in half and store it in a smaller jar in the cupboard.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 19:52, closed)

yeah but i was 8
I didn't get much say in the shopping.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 21:29, closed)

I could never forgive my mother
for always breaking the spaghetti before she cooked it.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 1:16, closed)

I was 15 before I had spaghetti.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 12:10, closed)

I was 16 before I had
a kebab.

So don't give me your tales of deprivation.
(username failed moderation, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 14:22, closed)

I remember my first kebab.
I was 17 or 18, and I carried it home and fed it to the dog. I might have been drunk enough to buy it, I wasn't daft enough to eat if.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 9:17, closed)