A friend
invited me around for a Chinese the other night.

Unexpected Noodle tea!
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:22, 6 replies)

mind bleach indeed
Anyone ever been flashed at?

Location: Nottingham, the salubrious Forest Recreation ground.
Time of day: Saturday afternoon
Activity: Gentle mild afternoon amble
Perpetrator: A young man of the ginger persuasion frantically fwapping away in my general direction whilst smirking at me with his tongue out.

Post-traumatic stress anyone?
( rofl harris, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:21, 4 replies)

Big Hairy Bums on my wedding night,
30 years ago...

After I married the first Mr Quar we headed south down the motorway, to be overtaken by a coach, every passenger window of which was obscured by huge, fat, hairy, spotty male arses.

They kept this up until the bus went out of sight, and for all I know they're still going.

On my wedding night, ffs. They certainly set the tone for that marriage - looking back, I should've listened to the bums.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:18, 4 replies)

Last monday
It was a lovely warm evening and I was walking down my road. I heard some singing but I couldn't see anybody about. Looking up I found the source. One of the houses had a loft conversion with a shower room in it, with a velux window in the roof. Turns out, on a warm evening when you might want to have a shower and sing loudly to yourself and you open the velux window there is a perfect reflection of your naked body to rest of the road in the window. I stood for a couple of minutes admiring this guys perfect buttocks and trundled off to my house with a smile on my face :-)
(bryo, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:16, Reply)

Ah, France.
When I was young(er) then I am now, I was spending a few months in France. While there, I visited a beach and did the usual small boy things (make sandcastle, swim a bit, get bored because the only other person that spoke english there was my father).

Suddenly....

Naked French dude!

First naked chap I'd really seen in my short life (I was 12 at the time, this was shortly after my hand got sliced open). After rather excitedly informing my father that "That guy's naked!" (I was an imaginative wordsmith at 12), I was informed that France and indeed quite a lot of Europe was less stuck up and ashamed of their bodies than most of the "civilized" world.

A couple of minutes digesting this, and I was naked too.

Hell, I'm naked most of the time at home these days, too...

It's just flesh, nothing to get worked up about ;)
(Scritty Bakerman., Thu 28 May 2009, 14:14, Reply)

My mind needed bleach
There I was walking through the back streets, just off Oxford Street minding my own business, thinking about the new DVD’s and CD’s I was going to purchase. When all of a sudden there appeared in front of me an old hag of a bag lady with her pendulous breasts hanging out.

To say it was like watching a car wreck (must not look, but look you must) is a bit of an understatement, Christ they hung down almost to her crotch!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Terrifying...
I remember it well. I've always had an unusual sleep cycle. I wake up at like, 7am every morning. Even on Weekends. Anyway, one fateful morning, when I was about 9, I woke up even earlier than usual. I decided to go downstairs, and watch TV. I was awake, I might as well. I heard some shuffling downstairs. I initially thought it was the dog, so I didn't give it a second thought. Anyway, I went downstairs, and opened the living room door. There it was. My Dad, completely nude, completely passed out on the couch, after a long night out on the tiles. I simultaneously sympathized for him, witnessed the death of my childhood, and felt a little bit ill.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:10, Reply)

If you go down to the woods today .......
Following is a pearoast from Oct 07. Not 100% relevant I don't suppose in respect of the "un-erotic" element of the question. Here you go anyway though with my apologies.

I was out cycling one Sunday morning with a couple of my mates when we came across ... (a phrase which here means "encountered") a candid photo shoot ... and a professional one at that ! A party of about a dozen; photographers, lighting guys, probably camera techs etc. and two gorgeous naked chicks draped over a large capacity Japanese motorcycle. So probably for Superbike or some such.

They were downwind of us and all being intent on the task in hand didn't hear our stealthy approach.

Unfortunately when they eventually did realise we were there they quickly threw a couple of coats coats over the babes. Too late though. As they say, you can't unring a bell.

Poor things ! They must have been shy.
( Ramsay Tupper, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:09, Reply)

My friend Theadore
Liked to work out a lot so much he had a huge 6 pack and we nick named him Pecs he got a new job working for Hewlett Packard in Unix support and was so happy he wrote a song about it.

It was Unix-Pecs-Teds New-Ditty

sorry
( Peej, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:07, 2 replies)

Birthday suits
When I was about 8 or 9, we were driving around New Mexico and found a pull off with some hot springs. Being the young boy that I was, I took off running and exploring. As I came over a small hill, I encountered a group of what could be described as possibly bikers, possibly hippies. (This was the late 70s) and several of them were naked around the hot spring. After I figured out what I was seeing, I make a quick exit. The couple of women weren't so bad, but fat, naked biker dudes is not an image I wished to keep in my mind.

First post and suggestion that made QOTW! What a hell of a way to bust my cherry.
(wanderingjoe should be committed, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:00, 1 reply)

Here we go
I was walking down the street and I heard the golden tones of a lady singing on the street corner, with a bucket full of coins donated by well-wishers equally impressed with her singing prowess. As I got closer I saw that she was in fact a lady who had given her life over to the service of God, and was wearing a full habit.

I got chatting to her and found out that the money she raised was going to help lepers or spackers (I forget which) in an orphanage in Micronesia. I felt heartwarmed to know there was someone so dedicated to helping out those less fortunate than myself and asked if there was anything I could do to help.

I asked the young lady if she would like to have a cup of coffee with me while she discussed the latest improvement to the home for the 'tards and said that I would gladly help raise money if there was anything I could do to help. I explained that I was in the songwriting business and if she would like I could help her record a charity single to raise funds. She replied that that was an excellent idea but she would need a catchy new tune.

That was the day that the Nun expected new ditty.


_{I apologise for shitness.}
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:59, 1 reply)

Eyebleach please
Walking through Waterloo station, I sauntered gently over to the screens that tell what trains are departing from Waterloo East. Having got my train time, I turn my head to the stairs that lead up from the concourse.

There, sat halfway up the stairs, was a gigantic filthy homeless woman who resembled nothing less than a recently dug-up potato in a skirt. Legs akimbo, she was cooling her fetid mimsy in the afternoon breeze.

I now take the escalator.
(SimianKid internet faffer, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:56, 5 replies)

Here goes...
Did you hear that there's to be a remake of that comedy about priests on Craggy Island?
Apparently, the theme tune will be some "world music" crap played on sheep bones with Egyptian Ibis beaks!


Yep It'll be "ewe-necks peck ted new ditty"

Aithangew!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:55, 8 replies)

In a restaurent
with some friends when they all (being local people) and after having a bottle or two too many of wine started belting out local folk songs, now i'd heard one or two of them but seeing me sit there silently they took it upon themselves to teach me one i'd never heard before.

That was my brief encounter with an unexpected new ditty
(Banjax, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:54, 1 reply)

Bike
Mrs Tupper and I were out cycling off road in a particularly remote part of the local hills. She was out in front on a winding bit of single track. When she came to an abrupt halt I assumed it was because she'd come to a technical section that she didn't have the confidence to attempt. Imagine my surprise when I caught up with her and found a naked couple in flagrante delicto in the middle of the path. What do you do in these circumstances ? Had to just apologise, avert our gaze and circumvent the suitably embarrassed protagonists.

If I'd have been alone though I'd have been going a lot faster and probably would have had to bunny hop them. That'd have been good.
( Ramsay Tupper, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:53, Reply)

The true facts in the case of Mr Scarboro, Mr Martin and the mysterious disappearance of Arnold Fisher
So, I sat down and filled in the insurance form.

Date and Time of accident: 10.30pm, 3rd July.

Where were you at the time of the accident: Looking on, in abject horror, from my loft bedroom window, second floor of Scaryduck Towers, Weymouth.

Weather conditions: Dark, clear, very warm, half moon in Uranus.

Give a brief description of the accident: I was looking out of my bedroom window, which gives a panoramic view of the street below, and offers a pleasant vista over Portland Harbour. At no point, I may point out, was I using my binoculars to look into other people's houses.

My attention was drawn to the fact that my elderly neighbour, Mrs Warboys (name changed to protect the guilty), was standing completely naked in front of her bedroom window. I might not have noticed, but she had all the curtains open and the lights on. It was indeed a distraction, as they hang around her navel, and she appeared to have a poodle nesting in her groin.

Also distracted, alas, was the driver of the white Renault van, who I now know to be Mr Scarboro, whose whole-hearted attention to the 90-degree bend outside my house was cruelly wrenched away by the totally unnecessary sight of a very naked Mrs Warboys yawning, stretching and scratching her nadger at exactly the wrong moment.

With his window wound down and there being no other sound bar his van's engine, I clearly heard Mr Scarboro have cause to cry out the words "Christ on a Bike!" in surprise and alarm before failing to negotiate the bend and crash his van into Mrs Warboys' front garden.

Moments later, I saw the Ford Focus, driven by Mr Martin, drive along the same stretch of road, and similarly distracted by a naked octogenarian, collide with Mr Scarboro's van. Mr Martin did not shout out in surprise and alarm, as he was listening to The World Tonight on BBC Radio Four.

I would like to point out at this stage that while I called the Police to this incident, I am certainly not the person who quite unnecessarily called the Ambulance and Fire Brigade to the scene. We suspect this may have been the act of persons unknown after a now partially clothed and panicking Mrs Warboys ran out of the house screaming that one Arnold Fisher was trapped under the front wheels of Mr Scarboro's van.

It transpired only after a frantic search and the partial destruction of Mr Scarboro's vehicle by the Fire Service that Mr Arnold Fisher was, in fact, a garden gnome, around which Mr Warboys' ashes had been spread some years previously. Luckily, the ambulance was still on hand at this time to sedate Mr Scarboro before there was any further unpleasantness. Then he was sick inna hedge.

Who, in your opinion, caused the accident?: Mrs Warboys' minge

In the space below, draw a diagram showing how the accident occurred: Bingo!


( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:51, 11 replies)

How appropriate that this is the subject
I just walked in to the downstairs office to congratulate our Marketing Manager on her new baby, to find her breast feeding.

Not the way I would've chosen to see her naked, but you've got to take what you can get I suppose.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:48, 1 reply)

an un-punable qotw title?
say it ain't so.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:45, 4 replies)

Next time you use the unisex toilet at the Airport try locking the door.
There was me, waiting for our flight from Tenerife back to pissy Manchester when I felt the all too common symptoms of my all-too-small bladder and my all-too-large booze consumption a few hours earlier.

As the flight was minutes from boarding along with the distinct absence of anyone who looked remotely disabled I decided to take advantage. Sliding the door open I was greeted by a rather alarmed looking woman who'd clearly just finished replacing her tampon or pad and had her knickers round her knees.

After a brief consideration of her smooth as glass ladygarden I turned around and scuttled off so I would not have to share the embarrasment of any further contact with the unfortunate lady.

Sods law dictated that not only was she on the same flight as me but her boyfriend was sitting next to my wife so she had no choice but to sit opposite me.

We avoided eye contact after that and it was all I could do not to burst out to the wife,'I saw her rat!'
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:44, 7 replies)

Friends sleepwalking
Used to live with a friend of mine who crashed out in the living room. Later on he got up and walked up to me in the kitchen, whipped out his junk and damn nearly peed on me. After forcefuly directing him to the loo I forgot all about it. Until now.

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

EDIT: 1st! to actually have a story (albeit a lame story) to do with the question.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:41, 1 reply)

9th?
Maybe
(Jester_, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:40, Reply)

nudity
8th? yey

Driving in Paris in a minbus full of students in the early 80's.
We pulled up at a set of traffic lights alongside some frenchie type car or other.
Someone glances into the car and spies a frenchman (surprise surprise)
NAKED!! in the middle of Paris.
The bloke wasn't even bothered when 15 students all gesturing and shouting appeared at the minibus windows.
The lights changed and he just drove off.
Length? a distinct lack of it if i remember.
(betty swollocks, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:39, 1 reply)

bums
7th?
(LongTomBadTom Does Makes Says Thinks, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:39, Reply)

6th? Meh
Went camping with some mates, went out one night and got mullered.

Got back to the tents and got in, crashed immediately. Then got woken up by me mate who told me to sit up and look at the thing on the fly sheet of the tent (basically a fine piece of see-through mesh that separated the inside of the tent from the outside). Sat bolt upright, and found that the 'thing' in question was another mate's hairy arse crack, bulging inward through the sheet, literally inches from my horrified eyes.

Why horrified? Because now I know why they call them 'bum grapes' (shiver)...
(Apathyman Prepare to be underwhelmed..., Thu 28 May 2009, 13:38, Reply)

Damn, shot my load too early last week
Oh well
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:37, Reply)

third
?!
(Lord Chode, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:37, Reply)

.
3rd

My worst and vile moment came whilst going through christmas photos of my family.

All the snaps were of happy and jolly times of kids playing and being merry. until my dad took pictures of my mum in a santa's hat.....

....and only a santa's hat


*Rerepress Memory*
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:36, 2 replies)

First
!
(spankfrencer, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:34, Reply)