....mmmm creamy
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:04, Reply)

Doctors
I went to sign up with a new doctor the other week, and had to go through the whole rigmarole of having a 'health interview' with a nurse, which went something like this:

"So how many units of alcohol do you drink a week?"

"Too many - probably about 35."

"That's more than the WHO recommends. Drinking too much is bad for you."

"I know."

"Right. How much red meat do you eat a week?"

"Too much."

"You shouldn't eat too much red meat. It's bad for you."

“I know.”

“Do you smoke?”

“Yes.”

“You shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you.”

“No it’s not. Is it? Are you sure?”

(slight hesitation) “Errrm, yes it is. You must know that.”

“No. Who said it was? Is this one of those new health scare things?”

“Everyone’s known for years…. Surely you learnt at school…. Haven’t you ever….How…..?”

“I might wait and see about that. Everyone said coffee was bad for you, then a few months later, everyone said it was good for you. Same with cheese. And chocolate. Maybe it’s just a fad.”

“…………”

"Anyway, do you want this bottle of piss? I brought it in just for you.”
(geegee, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:55, Reply)

worst advice ever re women

"make her feel special".

She left our first date after only a few minutes of me chanting 'spastic! spastic!' at her.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 18:37, Reply)

My dad once told me where the clitoris was
in one of those achingly embarrassing father-son conversations.

Turns out he was actually wrong.
( expf, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 14:42, Reply)

My dad always went by the missive
Never trust a man, who when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on
(My_evil_twin is suffering from Technojoy, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:50, Reply)

"London is a dangerous place"
Which turns out to be true. Yesterday I went into WHSmith and punched someone in the face.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:36, Reply)

Scariest advice I ever heard
I was in a KFC after seeing Smashing Pumpkins at Wembley about 10 years ago, when the door burst open. Everybody turned around to see a dirty, hairy, bearded old man dressed in only a raincoat, carrying a bottle of Johnson's Baby Lotion.

As he gyrated his pelvis back and forth, he offered this nugget of wisdom:

"And you'll go nyeeeh nyeeeh nyeeeh, and you're all gonna do it."

Then he left.

Needless to say, I haven't done it yet.
(quones, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 23:00, Reply)

Serious Food Poisoning
I'm not sure what it was that did it... Might have been the prawns, might have been the chicken.. but for two day's I'd been in bed, shivvering and sweating as my body tried to work out what the fuck to do.

Each time I tried to eat anything, It'd either find it's way out of my body using one of 2 options, but with equal speed, lack of grace and dis-comfort.

I'm old-school: If I can see and talk then the doctor isn't needed. I revel in my ability to cure all ailments by drinking large amounts of whiskey... and I dispise people who DEMAND antibiotics for ingrowing toenails.

My Girlfriend at the time was of a different opinion... and wanted to SEE me eat the soup that I assured her I'd been eating.

Soup. She made me eat the fucking Chicken soup.

Inevitably, I was on my knees a couple of minutes later as my body rejected the influx of goodness... I was literally shouting soup.

Girlfriend... Strokes me on the back (NOT helpful) as I sweat and concentrate on the feeling of acidic chicken-chunks being forecfully rammed down my nose and into my sinuses... I make mental notes to make her suffer for this.... but with both hands determindly gripping the porcelain rim and a mouth frequently acting as passage-way for a chemical fountain I'm powerless to protest.

Then the soup is gone. My Stomach was empty..
but No... 2 painful minutes later thestomach acid was gone too....

My body wasn't happy. There was clearly something else that it ddn't want.. because for another 5 minutes my stomach was convulsing hard enough to actualy bruise my ribs. All of my muscles were working against me as they tried to get me to cough up my kidneys.

It was at this point that my girlfriend decides she'll offer words of wisdom; simultaniously showing how little she understood about puking:

"Don't strain so hard"

Yeah... That's right... me and my stupid "show-off" way of puking.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:53, Reply)

"Just be yourself"
Has there ever been a more useless, empty platitude piece of advice as "Just be yourself"?

As a pointless default response it can be applied to anybody who craves advice in their hour of need, but you don't know or care what they should actually do:

"How do I get a girlfriend?" - Just be yourself

"How can I pass this interview?" - Just be yourself

"What can I do to make friends?" - Just be yourself

Lets face it, if people hate you and you cant get laid, "being yourself" is probably what you have been doing wrong.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:54, Reply)

.
"If it has tits or an engine it will be trouble."
(The Queen, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:05, Reply)

Something a chum told me
Good advice to live by.

Never worry,
Never Hurry,
Never fill your hat with Curry.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 10:28, Reply)

grans give the best advice
When a mate of mine was choosing which universities to apply to, and in particular deciding between Oxford and Cambridge (you can only apply to one), her gran gave her this pearl of wisdom:

"Don't go to Oxford. People get murdered there, I saw it on Inspector Morse."
(littlemsbroccoli, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Great advice for a homophobe...
Whilst standing at the bar and drinking in a stereotypical 'flat caps and whippets' pub in the North East, a particularly agressive young man leant over and said to my bumsexual mate "I hate fucking puffs". To which Gave (for that is his pseudonym) replied "well, you should try fucking women then".

Now this is actually quite fair advice, at least it was until the mother of all fights broke out. Gave still maintains it was worth the broken nose just for the expression on the the gormless tards face.
(i anglepoise, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:53, Reply)

Useful advice from a sign in Costa Rica


(lolwhites, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:45, Reply)

According to the Jehovahs Witness handbook
Masturbation leads to Homosexuality

25 years of exhaustive testing has led me to believe that's utter bollocks.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:24, Reply)

If you click the "i like this" link a few times i will magically make your life better
Penis length, new porsche, bigger house, better sex life..... Go on try it.




It might work.



You just never know.




Until you try.
( Wingnutt razzle dazzle my fantasmagazzle, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Beware the Minge....
.
That was the advice given to me by a doddery old Scotsman.

"Beware the minge laddy, beware the minge. 'Cos once it gets a grip of ye, ye'll be it's slave for life."

I was 13 and didn't have a clue what he was on about. But he turned out to be right.

9 months of my life trying to get out of one and pretty much the rest of my life trying to get back in.

Just a slave to love.....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:45, Reply)

Carol Voderman
"You can consolidate your debts into one small monthly payment"


Oh really? Then why am I sleeping in a potato sack and licking Kit-Kat wrappers for dinner, you cunt.
(Last Night a DJ Shaved My Wife, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Can't handle your acid trip?
..drink 2 litres of orange juice, it 'brings you down'

Fucking bollocks. All it does is to make you have a most disturbing vomit, with bats and dog shit in it.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:01, Reply)

at my local train station:


I don't know whether to punctuate it or just write "No shit" underneath.
( litzigig, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 19:44, Reply)

from my mum
My mum used to work for the Admiralty, inspecting, erm, explosives or something. Not sure what.

Anyway, her favorite thing was the instructions on how to bail out of an aircraft.

There was a 10 point checklist in the cockpit that you'd go through to bail out. The check list was attached to the canopy.

Point one was 'EJECT CANOPY'

Jesus...
(inflateable, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 17:53, Reply)

Advice from ny Gran
"Never chase after a bus or a girl: There'll be another one along before you know it!"

Which must explain why I spent such a large proportion of my adolescent years standing soaked to the skin next to a bus-stop, with a raging, throbbing hard-on.

Cheers, gran.
(apologies_for_length, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:27, Reply)

some idiot told me

that we were at war with Eastasia. I believed it for ages. Turned out we'd always been at war with Eurasia! Tuh.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 14:24, Reply)

Another genius one...
Before getting into bed with a woman, take your socks off before you trousers as men look stupid wearing just socks.

Always followed this regardless of drunkeness.
(Laxly, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:31, Reply)

"Don't shit on your own doorstep"
It's my doorstep, I can do whatever I want on it. Fuck you all.
(SSSSS, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:25, Reply)

timbrooketaylor
Try everything at least once?? I'm not sure receiving bum-sex or listening to Celine Dion should be included in this list??

On the other hand if you do enjoy either you should probably give the other one a shot.
( wangmaster2000, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:42, Reply)

"Always wear clean underwear, just in case you get run over"
Yes mother, thank you for this invaluable bit of advice.

When I was run over by the ageing boy racer who lived down the road from us, the first thing I did when pinned under his MOT-failure Triumph Herald, staring the Grim Reaper in the face, was to empty both my bladder and my bowels.

So: don't bother changing your pants, boys and girls - it makes not the slightest bit of a difference.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:41, Reply)

Plenty More Fish in the Sea
Yeah, mum, but I don't want to fuck a fish.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:25, Reply)

Wisdom of the Elderly
I was having tea with a friend and her Nan who I generally regarded as very prim and proper. At the tender age of thirteen I had my first boyfriend and was chattering away about how wonderful he was.
Her Nan looked at me seriously and said 'Don't have children too early' Sound advice admittedly.
What came next was more of a shock
'You know if i'd have known about buggery when I got married i'm not sure i'd ever have had any - maybe you should try that instead of sex'.
The silence in the room was deafening.
(la la la la, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:26, Reply)

if you're a man, and you're going to to be a porn star

call yourself Ted October. Then you can star in 'The Cunt For Ted October', and hilarity will ensue.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 18:20, Reply)