The devil makes use for idle hands
in which case technically the devil killed the patients! so harry shipman was innocent!
(Big Poppa Gurf mole stations unite against molestation, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:07, Reply)

.
"If it has tits or an engine it will be trouble."
(The Queen, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:05, Reply)

....mmmm creamy
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:04, Reply)

moist
Isn't there some superman pyjama's or costume or something which have the warning labe "please note: waering of this garment does not enable you to fly"

or is that an urban myth?

like...In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.


i'll ask snopes.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Can't handle your acid trip?
..drink 2 litres of orange juice, it 'brings you down'

Fucking bollocks. All it does is to make you have a most disturbing vomit, with bats and dog shit in it.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:01, Reply)

WET PAINT - DO NOT TOUCH
Because people are fucking well going to anyway.
( Malchick, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:56, Reply)

"Hold on!"
That's what they say in Hollywood films when someone is hanging from a helicopter / skyscraper / mountain / wing of a jet-fighter.

And, you know, I'm sure they never would have thought about hanging on if they hadn't been so helpfully advised to. With this in mind, I offer these similarly handy tips:

[When holding a knife] "Don't stab yourself fatally!"
[When drinking tea] "Don't pour that scalding liquid down your gusset!"
[When drowning] "Don't breathe water into your lungs and die!"

ETC.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:51, Reply)

anatomy
a guy I went to school with was adamant that your "thigh" was the area along your side between your hip and your armpit. Obviously I had to contest this vigorously with hnnnngggg noises and general implications that he was retarded, which of course progressed to an actual fight, but I was impeded by the fact that I wasn't allowed to actually punch the weaselly git because he'd had some sort of heart surgery and the rumour round school was that "he would probably die if anyone hit him". I didn't want to be the one to prove this rumour to be true so ended up having to concede. I spent the rest of the day convincing him, successfully, that the area between his hip and his knee was called his "gusset".

um, so he'd obviously had some bad advice about that sort of thing in teh first place, from somewhere.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:51, Reply)

I was advised by several people

Not to stand in my front yard in a children's wading pool filled with custard, wearing a Batman costume and loudly swearing at passers-by.

As I pointed out at the time, if they'd fucking well told me that half an hour earlier it might've made a fucking difference.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:50, Reply)

A bit like may contain nuts..
..on back of packet sleeping tablets from USA


"May cause drowsiness"

I'd bloody hope so too !!!
( Signify, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:47, Reply)

Seen in a national park in Sri Lanka
Seen on a warning sign at Horton Plains, a national park in Sri Lanka:

IN CASE OF FIRE.... DIE!

Seriously!
(The Moai, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:47, Reply)

Don't put you coat on..
..before leaving the house - as you'll get no benefit from it ???

WTF?
( Signify, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:44, Reply)

Worst Advice
About 5 years ago I was going to get a mortgage and buy a house. My dad pleaded with me "don't do it son", "I've seen it all before the market is about to craah", "It'll be the worst decision of your life".

So I didn't bother and kept on renting, now I'm still stuck in rented accomodation whilst the house prices have risen 3 fold with still no sign of a crash.

Thanks dad, I'm in such a great position now the bottom rung of the housing ladder is further away than ever before.
(rob_cod, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:41, Reply)

I was advised to learn to enjoy my own company.

An impossible demand, given that I'm the CEO of Amalgamated Kenneth Branagh Films.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:37, Reply)

"Don't shit on your own doorstep"
It's my doorstep, I can do whatever I want on it. Fuck you all.
(SSSSS, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:25, Reply)

Silica Gel...
..."DO NOT EAT".

Awww fuck, and it looks so delicious too. Yes indeed, I've always found substances that resemble ground-up safety glass near-irresistable.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:23, Reply)

Military trained...ain't gonna help you escape!
Living in Singapore, where we have the national service draft of 2 years for all Singaporean 18 years old male citizens...

I was concripted in the middle of this year to a godforsaken island off the coast for 4 months basic military training. 0530 reveille...countless of water drinking parades...10 days of living in the wet tropical jungle...that sort of things.

After those 4 months, i felt a bit indestructable, having survived sergeants wrath and all the rest of the stuff they threw our way...i wanted to be treated like a MAN!

But no....it was not to be...mom would dispense with advise like...you must drink more water...don't come back too late...can you handle yourself for 2 days with me going overseas...can you remember to close the windows...please keep the house clean...

Gets on me bloody nerves...sometimes i think they should join the army as Sergeant Majors.
(deven_shire, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:22, Reply)

Mother told me...
"Never eat with your elbows on the table or you won't get a girlfriend." I'm married now and I still eat like a pig. In fact, my wife actually makes me wear an adult bib because I splash food all over my shirts.

That showed you, mother!
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:16, Reply)

chimney sweeps
having just bought a lovely flat in a victorian block, i decide to have the chimneys swept. so i manage to find a chimney sweep - in my 1890-1891 yellow pages - and they come round and do the job.

i ordered a new fire, but they won't install it without the certificate from the sweeps. so i rang about 15 times, but they promised and never posted it. eventually, i yelled at the girl that my fireplace fitter wouldn't do the job without it.

"oh," she said dimly. "are you actually going to have a fire in there then?"

nooooooo. no, not at all. i thought i'd pay £250 to have it swept for no reason whatsoever. gah.

there was crap advice, something about having it rendered, but it was this rank stupidity that stuck in my thoat and choked me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:14, Reply)

Do Not Turn Upside Down
And where can one find this useful piece of information? On the sodding bottom of a sticky toffee splodge cake packet thing!! Seriously why??
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:10, Reply)

health and safety
I did a first aid course at work where the 50 year old teacher went to great lengths throughout the day to remind the men on the course that we must be careful when treating a female casualty NOT to grope them by accident. He did this by singling out a series of the girls on the course to demonstrate exactly how many different ways in which we could accidentally grope them. I took notes.

I also once took some fire steward training for Glastonbury. The guy taking the training course was a lovely chap but had a very peculiar and often melodramatic turn of phrase, coming up with some classic lines of advice.

"Remember, when stewarding a festival, the worst thing that can happen, IS DEATH". Yikes.

"You know when a fire is of a safe size to tackle when you can pick it up with your hands and put it in the bin" er, ok.

"if you should see someone lying unconscious, the first thing you should do is wander past and kick them. If they move about they're probably ok" mmmmakes sense but still a bit odd.

anyway there was a bunch of other stuff he said which I wrote down at the time but have lost now so can't really remember, um, what they, where...funny though....

...sorry are you still reading this?


fool.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:07, Reply)

Completely Useless...
But clicking 'I like this!' will increase your length*.






* - Girth for an extra $20.
(mehmeh 0% witty, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:05, Reply)

Wise words, my arse...
"Don't wear your coat indoors, you'll not feel the benefit when you go outside..."

What a pointless waste of oxygen that phrase is. Maybe I should just walk round naked and only put on any clothing prior to stepping out of the door?

Most useless piece of advice I heard to today came from the guy in the office next door who advised a girl who's preparing for a really important interview to...

"Ask Rakky if you have any technical questions. She's really good at Biochemistry."

She asked me 5 questions. I could answer one of them. And that was "Where are the toilets?"
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:03, Reply)

I keep pulling my socks up,
and I might even invest in some sock suspenders, but I am not entirely optimistic about how well it will cure my crushing depression.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 15:02, Reply)

IT nightmare
I was advised to buy a #1110001111011010 component for my computer and I instead bought a #1100001111011010 component.

The whole system crashed. I really regretted taking that advice.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Bad breath
As a kid, if ever my breath was bad, my mother wouldn't ask if I'd been brushing my teeth properly. Oh, no, not for her the obvious. No, she would ask if I'd been going to the to the toilet OK and offer me some Andrew's Liver Salts.

Amazingly I recently discovered that in extreme cases constipation can give you bad breath, so there may have been something in the liver salts advice. That said, I'd still go with the toothbrushing instead.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:57, Reply)

I was given some bad advice once
For some reason my dad once decided to regale me with the little gem "if you are being chased by a Crocodile or an Aligator dont run in a straight line run in a zigzag, because they are faster than you over a short distance in a stright line but cannot turn well and so when chasing you will take longer"

I have given this info to several of my mates now, but the other day i was watching one of those "COULD YOU SURVIVE" programmes and the serious dramatic sounding american man on the telly told me to run in a straight line, now i lay awake at night wondering what to do, and also if any of the people i gave this advice to have perished at the hands (well teeth) of giant prehistoric reptiles.

its becomming an obession. what can i do?
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:57, Reply)

Worst advice I ever received...
...came from my dad. You see, a Nigerian gentleman told me that he needed my help to move £300 million out of the country via my bank account, but my dad was dead against it. Can't see why, he'd promised me 10% of the cash on completion, we'd have been living like lottery winners now instead of sweeping the streets for crusts of bread and stealing fags off tramps.
(keeferreefer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:56, Reply)

ususally a parent or gf
"where did you leave it?" or "where did you last see it?"
well, surely common sense says that if i knew the answer to those questions, i would be able to find said item.

...

Big Safeway's lorry pulls up next to me.
"scuse me mate could you tell me 'ow to get t' safeways 'ere?"
I dutifully tell him to go to the traffic lights, then turn left, the right into safeways.
Only realised when he'd gone that`the big fuck off lorry he was driving in a small market town had just been directed to the public car park down a very narrow street only big enough for 2 cars to go down. he wanted the drop off point somewhere else, i knew where it was im just a bit stupid.
Needless to say i pissed off before any evidence could be held against me for being the bloke who blocked up all the traffic in Malton for 3 hours.
Also people who say you can do whatever you want if you put yor mind to it. As Stelios says

" The easiest way to make a lot of money is to have a rich dad"

So thats all of us fucked then...my dads at university.

Also, trying to explain to anyone who doesnrt have a sense of humour/german or french how Im SOrry I Havent A CLue works. Esp mornington Crescent

"But why does it have no rules or meaning...?"
(morningtoncrescent, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:52, Reply)