Stuart Stange ...
... I kid you not!

Until one morning he was late for registration. Unfortunatetly our form teacher, Mr Nice*, was away so the Deputy Head stood in. Stuart breezes through the door - does a double take at the DH and apollogies for being late.

DH - Right what's you name?
SS - Sid Vicious

All goes quiet, even the tourettes kids

DH (after a frantic search of the register) - Say that again boy.

SS - Sid Vicious!

DH - What!

SS - Ermm actually it's SS

Cue explosions. Muppet.


* no really. Geography and PE.
(Biff..., Mon 22 Jan 2007, 13:36, Reply)

Paul Dawson
St Thomas High School Exeter. Not a bright boy, used to hang around with a kid, also called Paul who was very bright indeed, to the point of dorkness. Anyways, Paul Dawson, in an effort to become smarter, he copied from the other Paul during an exam.
Why is is he weird? He also copied Paul's name on his paper.
Dumbass. Last seen at the age of 27, collecting trolleys at sainsburys.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Poor bugger in class
Took Smaller Boy to nursery t'other day.

3 year old girl in his class. 4 x big (even for an adult) hoopy earrings and gold chain with some pendant malarky on it.

At what point did putting jewelry on a toddler seem like a reasonable idea?

Back to the Daily Mail on my lunch break, rant over
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 13:05, Reply)

Gregor
This QOTW's really got me thinking now. I remember this other kid at middle school called Gregor who had this shock of ginger hair (a bit like Beaker from the Muppet Show), a pale face, and the uncanny and very popular talent of being able to bend his entire left hand back to touch the underside of his wrist. He'd quite happily perform this on demand and do a lovley 'Belm" face with it. This went down especially well during dull classes.
Gregor, you were fantastic. I applaud you and your special hand.
( BobbyParadise, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 12:54, Reply)

Give frankspencer a Knighthood
That's it.

Nothing to see here

Move along
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 12:52, Reply)

Two brothers
I was in RF's form (name abbreviated to protect the mental). He was a very odd, geeky chinese boy who was as skinny as a rake and always had a runny nose.

I had the misfortune of sitting next to him in most of my GCSEs, and he used to sniff with unerring and infuriating regularity.

His claim to fame at school was the time he chased an older boy round the playing fields with a croquet mallet (yes I was at a very posh school) after the bigger boy kicked a football onto the croquet lawn.

RF was just the apetiser though... his younger brother joined the school a few years later, and surpassed RF's bonkersness by a long shot.

It later transpired that he was heavily autistic, but you lot don't seem bothered about laughing at the handicapped so i'll carry on regardless.

He was a few years below me, so obviously I didn't witness this, but it became part of the folklore at my school within hours of it happening. He was in the CDT lab (woodworking to the uninitiated) sawing up bits of wood etc. Another boy in his class was a thalidomide kid and only had one arm. He had somehow incurred the wrath of VF which culminated in the thalidomide kid being chased round the lab with a hacksaw whilst shouting "Stand still, I'm gonna cut your other f**king arm off"

Strangely enough, you'd think he would have been a complete outcast, but he actually managed to earn total respect from all age groups in the school after kicking Mr Daniels in the nads really hard.
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 12:41, Reply)

Umphh
We had this kiddie at our school who I shall refer to as "Gidlow", for that was his name. Reading was never his strong point so I'm pretty certain there's no danger of him seeing this. He was the sort of kid that looked like he had been drawn wrong, if that makes any sense. He was certainly wired up wrong anyway. One afternoon our class was all crammed into a small room watching a video about science or something when Gidlow, without any warning, made a noise that sounded something like "umphh". His face turned bright crimson and then he stood up, picked up his chair and threw it through the window, sending what was supposed to be safety glass flying everywhere.
I seem to remember him having been given quite a few weeks off after that.
In fact, come to think of it, I don't think he ever came back.
If by any bizarre chance you're reading this Gidlow, then hello, you fucking headcase.
( BobbyParadise, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 12:41, Reply)

Vacuum Boy
We had a kid who was utterly obsessed by vacuum cleaners. SO weird. Thinking back, he's probably got some kind of autism or something, but I came across his profile on one of those find-your-old-friends-from-school things... seems he's still exactly.the.same:

work at cotters Electrical I have a vacuum cleaner museum with 80 different vac's I have a big one that was made in the 30's a big vacuum chamber that is tall as a person, A big compressor pistons as round as a bread and butter plate, has a massive fly wheel with a 4 metre belt hooked up to a 3 phase motor restoring it. Biggest one I own. It has been abanden for 2 years no use so Its under tender loving care. Papanui High school was a great school. I sold teachers vacuum cleaners. I supplied Vacuum cleaners in the 4th form for the caretaker.I took them home and fixed them for the school and teachers. I was well known. People often asked me what the best vacuum is In my own personal opinion Tellus and nilfisk are the best one for a basic easy to use vacuum Kirby very expensive but the best upright I got one I like it but bags cost alot. I live with my Uncle at his popular shop. I made alot of friends staff friends etc.

No shit, that's his entire profile (well, who would make THAT up...?)

The other one was a Down's Syndrome kid who was a couple of years older than everyone else in our year, and scared the bejeebus out of us with his see-thru white swimming gear. At a time when nobody else had pubes. NICE.
(kadee may or may not be a nymphomaniac, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 12:20, Reply)

The Bionic Man........Keith Peacock
We had a special needs kid at school who thought he was Steve Austin, he would run in 'slow motion' all the way to school (kind of like when you pretend to be an astronaut walking on the moon to you and I)all the time doing a pre beat box version of the theme tune as he went. Without fail, once he got to the brow of chester road bank he would stop and use his bionic eye to survey the final stretch to school, this meant moving his hand from his eye towards where he was looking and making a do do do do do do do do noise, never saw him bullied tho, and everyone seemed to just leave him to it, bless
(bong69, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 12:19, Reply)

I just rememebered
the time there was a huge fight at my school, an enormous had crowd gathered, surrounding the braying pugilists. So what did me and my friend do? -We wandered through the crowd, ignoring the spectacle that everybody else was staring at, offering people cups of Tea and Tunnocks' Tea Cakes.

WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY TUNNOCKS TEA CAKES.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Metal Mickey
Metal Mickey was his name. What a nutter.

* Had his own radio station. Busted by the Home Office.

* Built a two-stage rocket out of gas cylinders for a science project, setting fire to the local woods as the launch went a bit Space Shuttle. Busted by the law.

* Set up a porn library at the back of the school library. Busted by the thought police.

*Famously well-endowed, he started a wanking club in the science lab dark room. Alas, the walls were paper-thin, and those in the staff room next door could hear every moan, groan and exclamation of "It's flopped off the end of the ruler!" Busted, by just about everybody.

His downfall came the day he shinned up a drainpipe to the top of the sports hall and urinated on the crowd below. Talked down by the Deputy Head, he was last seen driven off in a "special" ambulance. He is now a reasonably well-known actor.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 11:55, Reply)

Christian Creedy
For some reason in the middle of a class, at a quiet moment (I think we might've been reading a passage of text to ourselves), Christian piped up and shouted "CHEESERIM", and then "What?" as though to remove suspicion of him being the perpetrator, despite the fact that he made no attempt to disguise his voice.
(LunarJim, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 11:52, Reply)

Weird for not being weird
I was one of two music geeks at my tough London comprehensive. Me: short, skinny, awkward, brainy, played the cello quite well. Leyla: bolshy, flirty, obnoxious, stunningly beautiful, in the year above, played the violin quite well.

Boy, was Leyla a bad influence on me.

I already had a rebellious streak partly caused by the fact that I thought it grossly unfair that I was expected to be all sad and geeky just because I played an instrument, and partly because I was an anarchistic little shit.

Leyla and I used to go around in miniscule skirts, untucked shirts and Croydon facelifts, mouth off to teachers, terrorise boys and then go off to play piano trios with the head of music. It was bizarre.

I’ve got two favourite memories of Leyla: In the first one, we were waiting for our mums to pick us up after a rehearsal when her English teacher (a terrifying, morbidly obese Northerner) happened to walk past. To my horror/fascination/admiration, Leyla sashayed up to him, stood way too close and purred that he was her “favourite teacher”. This usually unflappable disciplinarian went bright red and muttered a terse, “Thank you”.

A few weeks later, we were drafted in to play chamber music for the GCSE art exhibition. We were to play two sets, one at the beginning and one at the end. Refreshments were available at this event, including alcoholic beverages for the parents. Between sets, Leyla managed to get herself completely and utterly trashed to the point that she lost control of her bodily functions. Half an hour before we were due to play our second set she was semi-conscious, hugging a toilet. All credit to the girl, she managed to pull herself together and maintain at least an illusion of sobriety for the time it took for us to take requests from our adoring, oblivious headmaster. Her intonation was a bit off though.

So I guess we were weird for not being weird, if that makes any sense.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 11:16, Reply)

Jessica
She was a bit more mature than the other girls, which is to say that she had the body of a woman and the libido of a hell-cat on heat. I used to long for the PE lessons when she habitually wore no panties and jigged about so we could see her pert arse and shaved parts (this in the day before waxing was so common.) I was behind her during an aerobics lesson and almost shot my wad when she did the splits.

In class, she was an outrageous flirt. fellating her pen, rubbing her oversize breasts against the arm of the boy she was cheating from, or stroking guys' crotches with her red-painted nails. But she wasnt easy by any means. People said she had a 25 year-old boyfriend somewhere.

Then one day we were both in detention (I had set fire to a desk in chemistry). The teacher had us copying out the index from a book when Jessica nudged me and indicated her book. She had written "I want to swallow your jizz" on it - with a graphic image of how said act might look.

I immediately sustained a raging boner, as she had no doubt intended. Checking that the teacher wasn't looking, she reached down to squeeze the rigid club with those slim fingers and made a sound of encouragement. Before I could pass out with increduilty, she was unzipping my fly and reaching in to grasp my hot flesh.

And we sat there, apparently copying out the index, as her hand worked my tool with agonising slowness, up and down. I felt as if it would explode, rupturing the skin and leaving little Frank like a spent banana skin. I felt as if her fingers would drive me insane. My hands began to shake.

Then the teacher left the room for a moment and Jessica's head dipped to take my molten bulb in her mouth, working at it with her tongue and lips until I felt the sub-spinal eruption building with apocalyptic power.

"Do it" she said, removing my glistening head for a moment from her hot throat. And I let forth a geyser of pent up jizz from the caverns of my adolescent lust. She gulped it all down with practised ease and sat back up ... just as the teacher re-entered.

I'll never forget the dainty way Jessica licked at the corner of her mouth as she skipped off at the end of detention. She sure was a weird kid.
(frankspencer, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 11:07, Reply)

Yep, that'd be me
Though I like to think I'm weird compared with practically nearly all society (perverse pleasure, etc. etc. - so don't click on "I like this", or you will be the object of my wrath).

OK, I've never been to school, and I started uni at age 17 when I skipped several 'home school' grades. I've run several types of businesses since the age of 10 (never had pocket money, but I supplied plenty of my own). (Tip for all you aspiring wealth grubbers - don't go to school, get out even earlier than Bill Gates did and you might make something of yourself).

Due to moving around a lot in my early teenage years, I never really got to know anybody very well and constantly found myself closed out by cliques - not helped by the fact that I was self-conscious, shy, and a little snobby (better educated and more intelligent than those yokels, don't y'know?). So yeah, I was a bit of a loner and somewhat zany. It didn't help that I also refuse to conform to peer pressure, too...
(satellite blows, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 10:49, Reply)

Like a lot of these tales
I think I might be the one a few people remember.

Ages 1 to 8: spend a lot of time going to schools in France, UK and USA, due to my parents, who are university lecturers, getting jobs all over the place. Cue a hideously fucked-up accent until I was about 10.

8 to 13: off to prep school in Cambridge, which was a specialist choir school. Everyone learnt at least one instrument, most learnt two or three. The standard of music was incredible (hence me being a musician now) but wasn't too hot on the academic front. However, the academic parents (remember them?) teach me at home as well. Cue being a lot more intelligent that most other kids (and a few teachers). Imagine, if you will, a speccy, dumpy, short-haired little pretentious git who knows all about iambic pentameter and reads Shakespear at the age of 10. And because of the parents, my real name is "interesting" and "unusual": tactful way of saying my name is one more commonly (or exclusively) associated with being male. Dammit.

Ages 13 to 18: boarding school. Not speccy, less dumpy (but with massive norks) self-conscious girl who was good at music and just didn't get pop. I ended up spending most of my time either in the music school or rowing.

Got to university, met a bunch of like-minded people, finally made some proper friends. I love my life now. In fact, I don't think I was that weird at school, but just 10 years ahead of everyone else on an academic and emotional front.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 10:21, Reply)

Not in my class but...
My little brother is autistic and consequently the only person who would be friends with him in junior school was a boy called Graham, who was obsessed with washing machines. Graham came round our house to play after school one day, and the first thing he did was to ask my mum what kind of washing machine we had. He wanted the model number and everything. Then he sat in front of the washing machine and watched the washing go round and round for the rest of the afternoon.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 10:14, Reply)

Chapter 2: snot
Random memory, I recall a strange italian girl at junior school called Rosanna.
When she had a runny nose (and I mean a total string of thick green goo) she would open her school book and let it dribble onto the page then close the book again. Thus immortalising it onto the page, much in the way many a fella welds shut the centrefold in a spank mag.

She would also periodically forget it was an English school and speak only in Italian for a day or so, mostly whinging about wanting her "Mama".

I don't think I've met anyone with such a beetroot red face as her either. Was like a Tory MP after 10 bottles of plonk!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 10:03, Reply)

Oh so many to choose from
"There's always one, and in this class I think it's fair to say it was you".

That was the last thing said to me by the annoying American kid in my class on the last day of school after our GCSE's. The cock. Last I'd heard he'd stuffed his life and was still a twat. I'm much happier. Seems what made me weird among other things was the decision not to be one of the cool kids and instead do what I wanted, spend some time on my own and actually try to leave school with qualifications good enough to do something with.

Yes I was picked on, yes I did the usual weird things a teenage boy does in growing up but who cares. These days I'm happy and normal and living a better life than many of the twats I schooled with.

Length? If I'm the weird one how come they were the ones looking in the shower?
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 10:00, Reply)

Girls boarding school, fifteen years old
One of the girls was known for taking baths that were rather tooooo long and having a bed that mysteriously buzzed and made odd moaning noises.

No-one wanted the cubicle next to hers. Sleep is important at that age!
( in vino veritas, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 9:50, Reply)

The Weird kid
Dear Reader, I married him.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 9:23, Reply)

I went to Mutant High...
Penlan Boys Comprehensive School. A few years after I left it made the news for being the most under-achieved school in Wales....who said they couldn't win anything? The headmaster was promptly removed, and the building converted to a Welsh speaking learning province for South Wales.

Personally, I didn't blame it on the headmaster myself, as some of the kids who went there were one lycra suit short of an Xmen convention. A few of them stand out (see me prev entry for one nutter), but here's a few more.....

Stoney - a kid who I personally think shouldn't have been in there, and should have been in a "special school". Seriously, this kid was about 5 foot high and 5 foot wide and could only communicate in an odd high-pitched voice. He'd sit in the lunch area staring at others eating their dinner while foaming at the mouth, so they'd do stuff like lick the top of the afters and give it to him, where he'd munch it down happily. Obviously a target for bullying, he'd scream away from trouble and confide with quite possibly the worst teacher (ie funniest teacher in the school) his woes, who would tell us all the gossip about it later on. This teacher didn't help him either; Stoney turned up one day saying that he'd been on a picnic during the previous weekend, and that they camcorded it. What does teach do? He convinces Stoney to bring it in. The rumours got around, and a shedload of us managed to bunk off whatever lesson it was (including 3 other teachers) and we all cram into his classroom, popcorn in hand. About 50 of us managed to watch it, and fecking class it was too. Turns out his whole family resemble him, including what we thought was a twin brother but was actually 5 years younger than him. We nicknamed them "Tweedledum and Tweedledumber".

Egghead - a good laugh mate actually, but weird in the sense that he used to eat Vics Vapour Rub in class. Fucking oddbob.

Lee D. - true story this. Odd looking 6 foot fat person, who always seemed a bit strange. Obvious bullying target for 5 years as he looked like a cross between "Stoppit" (from "Stoppit and Tidyup" fame) and the "Banana Bunch" perm. A few years ago (about 7 years after I left the school) I'm reading the News Of the World, bored shitless one sunday morning. Get to the Sunday magazine, open it up and there's a two page article - "From Lee to Lisa". Turns out this oddbob was actually a girl all along and spent 5 years in an all-male school "by accident". The docs at birth had confused Lisa's baby bits and she'd been brought up as a boy up until the age of twenty-something. Madness.

Soz for teh length, but there'll be more to come :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 8:37, Reply)

To apeloverage
Grammar schools are not bastions of the middle class. Those are public schools.

Grammar schools are for smart people, regardless of social standing.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 8:03, Reply)

Sicko
There was a kid in my secondary schooll who would make himself sick (fingers down his throat etc.), throw up, then eat the puddle of puke. He was a bit weird...
(Kezmo, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 7:55, Reply)

We were right after all.....
We always thought Richard was odd. Not for the fact that he does resemble a cross between Wallace and a monk, but he had this slight yellow twinge to him as well.

So, kids being kids, EVERYONE bullied him to a certain degree. This went on for a while, until we didn't really see him again for his final year.

2 years later he makes the local paper; turns out the only job he could get locally was a serial rapist, and got 10-15 years for his trouble. Hurrah for teh state bullying!
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 7:39, Reply)

the Phantom Shitter story below
reminds me that at my college (last two years of high school) we had a Phantom Shitter - my friend Tony aka Tony Ramone because he was into and looked like one of the Ramones.

We were 16/17 ffs - this may not appear that remarkable to those of you who went to boarding school, but for working-class and lower-middle class people poo is generally considered to be no longer funny at that age.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 7:04, Reply)

when I was a teenager I got really into Portishead

the resulting peer pressure got so bad I eventually had to transfer from Rock n Roll High School.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 7:01, Reply)

And
one of the early posts reminded me of the psycho Serbian who told us, "I sucked my brother's cock in the shower. Am I normal?" He's now a completely harmless-seeming policeman (i.e., likes beating people but is otherwise quite conservative).
(Demonic, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 5:31, Reply)

Nappyman
Kid from year 6 who lived in the flats across the road from me liked to rummage through the bins and put on soiled nappies. That certainly distracted us from his habit of blowing his nose in his hands , showing it to the teacher and asking what to do with it. Then after his highly religious father came out as gay things just went downhill.
(Demonic, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 4:04, Reply)

Weird Kid
Stuart was/is a genius, but weird. He also wanted to appear normal. Well, I and my friend Steven were walking along with Stuart between us, and Steven called out, "Left ball!" I, of course, called out, "Right ball!"
The next move is for both of us to point at Stuart and say "Who's the dick in the middle?" but before we could say it, Stuart jumped forward and yelled, "Middle ball!"
To say he was an oddball is just too obvious.
(Blob, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 3:39, Reply)