Teacher
My English teacher was as mad as a bag of frogs, and sex obsessed too.

Is this topic not potentially libellous?
(Bobo148, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 16:10, Reply)

Not weird, just notorious
Our monobrowed headmaster (nicknamed coddy cos he lived above a fish and chip shop) managed to get in the News Of The World in the early eighties after he was arrested for chucking a brick through his girlfriend's window.

Certainly went up in our estimation after that one!

We also had a science teacher who ACCIDENTALLY showed her minge to member of the sixth form whilst sat on the lab benches on a regular basis....
(penrose your dog's got tits, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 16:02, Reply)

and here we go
my first general studies teacher was a rat faced bitch with mroe hair up here nose than on her head, and she personally had me moved groups, becuase I was 'unruly, rude and impossible to teach'

my second general studies teacher was an ex punk, and he recommended we go firebomb McDonald's, made us listen to the clash and made us watch fightclub for the hell of it.

My GCSE chemistry teachers:

Mr Venn: like explosions, really liked explosions and he was so old he taught my brother 20 years before me.

Mr Marsh: a geologist my trade and liked to talk to the ceiling when teaching. If you managed to catch his eye while he leactured then he would go bright red. he left after a year.
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:56, Reply)

Choices choices
Could it be the maths teacher we dubbed the Lofty Throbbing Norseman?

Could it be the senior teacher who was caught giving one to a parent in a cupboard?

Could it be the foul-smelling, bearded French dwarf who bullied me solid for four years? He told the class liked to "go cahravenning in his wagone down to the bitch" (I think he meant beach) and then had the gall to slag off *my* pronunciation? (Incidentally he gave one girl 100% in her Higher Oral. Draw your own conclusions.)

Perhaps it might be C-c-c-c-c-c-c-orky the physics teacher who placed one pupil in front of a radiation source? "But won't that make me sterile?" asked the victim. Came the response: "In your c-c-c-case, Andrew, it won't be a p-p-p-problem."

The RE teacher who was far too nice to be a teacher and shared with a baying class of adolescents that she had lesbian tendencies.

Or how about Titless, Horsey, Sly Mac, Droopy or Harry the Bastard (who was a top bloke, ironically)? Or the old chap who wandered into class with his old chap hanging out (he retired after that)?

No, I think it has to be Kaboobie (not his real name) a middle-aged gentleman with a massive combover who lived with his mother and bred tortoises.

(Intriguingly the only decent teachers at my school were gay or impossibly bitter or both.)

I could apologise for length but instead I'll tell you that private education is a waste of money: official.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:54, Reply)

Where To Start...
Mad Harry, the metalwork teacher. Had a mirror on a stick that he used to check under his car before getting in it in case the IRA had planted a bomb there.

Miss Chapman. Had to leave because of a pregnancy scandal. One of the 4th years got her pregnant. Only school I've ever heard of where the pupils got the teachers pregnant rather than the other way round.

But my favorite was a PE teacher whose name escapes me. We were on a school trip somewhere in the Dales and the PE guy was with us along with Morticia, an RE teacher. First night there, teachers all headed for the pub and we headed for a different pub that was happy to serve us. Come 11pm and we headed back to the hostel where, on entering, we could hear whimpers and a series of heavy thuds. When we got upstairs we found a drunken PE teacher trying to smash down the door to Morticia's room bellowing

"Come on you cock-teasing tart! I Only want a little bit....."

We mobbed him and dragged him off to a broom cupboard where we locked him in for the night to sober up.

Teachers. You can't take them anywhere.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:53, Reply)

Crazy Ms Henderson
We had the mentalist stand in French teacher, she used to scream all kinds of stuff at us in French, I'm sure she was calling us all a bunch of c*nts.

Anyway, she used to be reeeaaallly harsh, I mean daft over the top harsh, until one day we found out she was a total softie, and the only way for her to intimidate was to shout in French.

So we fought back, one class folk just abused her, swore at her, ignored her, basically made her cry. this went on for the rest of the year, each French class, she would break down until she eventually stopped teaching. I felt kinda bad for her.

A few years later I worked as a Team Manager in a call centre, and we had a group of new recruits, and among them, was Ms Henderson, and the worst thing was, she was in my team.
Thanks f*ck she didn't recognise me....
(Stevie B, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:52, Reply)

Gradual Sex Change Frenchman
A French teacher in my high school enjoyed nothing more than eating women's health supplements. Including Viactiv, Harmony (women's cereal), women's Centrum, and some other turquoise pills.

What he didn't expect were the tits he grew by the end of his first year due to the testosterone blockers in many of his favorite treats. He put on a few kilos, too. Mostly on his legs.

True story. Dead serious.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Lab technician rather than a teacher
Can't even remember his proper name now, but he lokked just like Granvil from open all hours... He used to park his car next to some old prefabs what we used to knock about round... One day we had a peer in to his motor, and on the back seat he had a whip, not hidden, totally on show! Well ya can imagine what a load of 15 year old lads thought about that...

From that day forth he was known as Kinky Neville!
(strangeone456789, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:48, Reply)

Two stick in my mind
I left quite a long time ago but these two stick in my mind, firstly

Mr Ballard, who was a Science teacher looked like Captain Birdseye and had a story for every eventuality. His best one was from when he worked in steel works and a bloke he worked with fell into the molten metal, to quote,

" he went in head first and they had to shut down down the whole place, all they got out were his boots, damn fine boots they were!"

Not quite sure what this had to do with his science class but it kept us entertained.

The other one was Mr Frobisher an RE teacher and unfortunately my form tutor for two years.

Claimed he'd seen Jesus stood on his shed, apparently the son of God has nowt better to do than speak to pseudo religeous types, who if this wanker were anything to go by, haboured secret Nazi tendencies.

Apparently a couple of years after i'd left he went properly mad and turned into a gibbering wreck.

Both were definately more suited to other jobs, Merchant Seaman and Antichrist, I reckon.
(El Cabron, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:46, Reply)

delusions of ability to teach
Howard and Leather - porcine deputy head and vulpine head often caught coming out of the same stock cupboard looking mighty dishevelled...she used to go missing from our classroom for hours at a time on mysterious errands that even as primary school kids we knew were a crap pretext for a (lengthy) fumble...they were eventually rumbled one parents evening and she left shortly afterwards

Lund - emotionally unstable chemistry teacher, shouts "it's going to be like that football disaster in Sheffield" to control a rowdy queue for the canteen, dissolves into customary tears and is led away to the staff room. Basic grasp of periodic table rumbled when she asserted Ag meant Argon

Granny Gravett (at least 103 when she retired) - once stopped my mate from getting top marks in an essay because "he's had too many marks already". Controlled problem kids with a well aimed slap to the head

Hebson (aka the penguin) - turned his car engine off to coast into school to save petrol

Zeibicki - crazy name, crazy guy. Robust head of (possibly permed) curls that wouldn't look out of place on Noddy Holder and full face/throat beard. Penchant for leather - waistcoats, trousers, cowboy boots. Once screamed when a lad hid in a cupboard and jumped out at him having discovered 'nookii - the board game for adults' at the back of it
(liberace's boudoir, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:45, Reply)

lesbian housemistress
the geography teacher, mrs peckham. she was horrible - greasy hair, bad breath. we were all convinced that she was having a lesbian affair with the french teacher. unfortunately, she was also the housemistress (at an all girls' school). she used to walk into your room without knocking, usually roundabout the time you were getting ready for bed and so were only partially dressed. would she alert you to her presence? no, she'd stand and watch until you noticed her. we all mastered the art of getting changed without revealing any flesh whatsoever. her nickname was skek and we wrote some disgusting mills and boon-esque sordid tale about her - imaginatively entitled "skek, lies and videotape". i wish i still had a copy. she eventually left the boarding house and we still don't know whether this was due to the rapidly diminishing number of boarders or our cruel jokes.

mr fairhurst the chemistry teacher also had an unhealthy attraction towards me. he'd make up things to talk to me about (and usually try and get me on my own). i would ensure that at least one of my friends was always present (safety in numbers), but he'd never even acknowledge their presence.
(batgirl, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:45, Reply)

Ms pavi English LIt
Oh Ms Pavi quite a good teacher, knew her stuff just one little problem she is a god botherer.
Even letting a "CHRIST" slip out while working would reduce her to tears.
One lesson someone had drawn upside down crucifixes 666 and a crude devil on the rotating blackboard (how ace were they?) she started crying and sat with her back to the class for the full double lesson.
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:43, Reply)

Wood tech teacher
our GCSE wood tech teacher was brilliant, he used to join in our skiving and mucking about. he did most of my project (CD rack) for me, and didnt really care much about anything.

Best bit was either when he made this kid with issues called Simon cry, saying he was into bumming and stuff - and he blamed us, was classic watching him trying to worm out of it.
another classic moment with this bloke was in the first year of our GCSE, when we were supposed to be "preparing" for the practical sessions, he let us choose and make whatever we wanted - we got a wheelchair and turned it into a go-kart. was classic watching the other kids' reactions when we raced it round the playground :D
( Goon, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:42, Reply)

one teacher(mrs fitton)
had a breakdown after everyone wrote her name on all of her stuff eg: fittons pen, fittons ruler, fittons blackboard....ah kids are cruel
( executiverocker only wears C&A, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:36, Reply)

the good ship peckhams sails again...
had a wonderfully loony art teacher in secondary school, used to spend double lessons making shapes on the ceiling with mirrors and light, great.
anyway, apparently one day she had a total nervous breakdown, tried to set fire to a bunch of Standard Grade folders, stab the head of art (Mr McInnes, total fanny, im sure he deserved it) with a set of keys and then jump out the 3rd floor window shouting "the good ship peckhams sails again". Peckham's being the name of a wee deli opposite the school that could be seen out the window.
we never saw her again...
(sarcasticgirl, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:35, Reply)

Enough said.

( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:33, Reply)

don't be fooled!! 11 year olds are more clever than u think!
we'd know for ages that the head of our primary school was having it off with the deputy head.

the best bit was when they took about 30 eleven year olds to yorkshire for a week...

one morning were ended up waiting in the lounge of the hotel for 20mins for both of them to come downstair so we could go out for the day.

rest of the teachers looking vvvv embarressed and awkward, and us lot desperatly trying not to giggle

she (deputy head)then came running down the stairs. lipstick everywhere, hair everywhere, red face, sweating... u get the picture.

then he came downstair with the biggest, smuggest grin on his face ever.

boy, that was the best trip ever.

and we wondered why we were never allowed to knock on his office door at lunch time.... dirty man. she was married as well
(lola_fish, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:30, Reply)

Five!
My nursery school teacher had the strange habit of inserting his fingers into my rectal cavity. He was proud of me, though. I was the first kid in our year to learn to count to five!
(stusut79, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:30, Reply)

wood shop
in 8th grade i had a wood shop teacher for half a semester named mr. standard, a huge, gruff, angry black man. all of his fingers were still intact, but he had a penchant for wearing pink and purple fuzzy sweaters, sitting at his desk and staring at absolutely nothing for half the class, and throwing various instruments of usage (mallets, desks, blocks of wood, whatever was near him) when he was enraged. he also enjoyed walking up behind people while they were at the jigsaw and screaming into their ear over the roar of the machine that they were GOING TO LOSE A FINGER if they were not careful, scaring the shit out of the jigsawing person...

at some point during the half semester i was in his class, he yelled at everyone in the class at least once. even me, and i pretty much just sat there and said nothing every day.

the entire class was scared shitless of him, so i never got to witness one of his infamous outrage bursts, which i kind of regret now.
( mayonessa, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:26, Reply)

Mt Harold
Our art teacher had pink hair for a month.... He claimed it was the copper from the pipes...
( Mrfishfinger .com, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:18, Reply)

Mr Cayley
Mr Cayley, the PE teacher was the living embodiment of one of the chuckle brothers. He left mysteriously, I believe he's doing panto...
(ColdLazarus, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:15, Reply)

Geography teacher...
...called Mr Copeland. What a legend.

One event that sticks to mind is when it rained on a school-trip out in Winchester.
All the other teachers took umbrellas, but Mr Copeland was perfectly happy using his left hand instead. It was more than adequate, apparently…
( slippery doctore, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:09, Reply)

hmmm
3 of the best teachers I had are now unfortunately dead, 2 cancer, one heart attack.
top blokes all of them, it's a shame.

1 of my old teachers was a dickhead, he also ran off with a sixth former leaving his wife and 2 year old child on their own, if I could punch him I would.

another of my teachers was convicted of paedophilia when he taught someone "breathing exercises" during brass sectionals.

My favourite teacher is still alive, and I often share a drink with him when I'm home and listen to some metal albums, cheers to Mr Johnson
( GrandmaOfShoes, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:08, Reply)

Mr Cranny. Geography teacher. Secondary School
I hated this guy from the moment I first met him, luckily I was never in any of his classes. Mainly because he was given the bottom group kids.

He was a freak. He only had 2 sets of clothes, all the same. Same shirt. Same trousers etc
Originally a ginger, died blond hair with a moustache. At home, we would never answer the door or the phone unless he was forewarned of a call/visitor.
He always had a group of "students" in his teaching classroom, I say students but they were always the vulnerable stupid kids. Kids who always skipped lesson/school. Who were in all the bottom groups etc. Usually more male than female. There were always the rumours he was a bit of a pervent. Hell, he would always be giving out sweets to his favourite students. Once giving £1000 each to two students with 100% attendance, female students I may add.

The story goes that he had amassed a collection of photos he had taken from school discos, trips and other misc. events and had begun creating psuedo-images of the teenage students heads stuck onto the bodies of naked models.
How was he caught?
He had been using the SCHOOL computers to make these images, and when the school did an audit of what everyone was doing to look for people using the internet to cheat on essays they discovered his stash.

Linky to Dirty Twunt News Article
( TN, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:07, Reply)

Had a right fat git..
.. as a geography teacher. He used to put his hands on your shoulders and squeeze like some lame Vulcan hold.
( Signify, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:07, Reply)

I just remembered
I'm studying at the moment. At one of those learning houses.
Anyway. This lecturer. For calculus.


Brilliant man.
Most amazing explanations of even the most complicated mathematical concepts, making them seem childsplay.


WEIRD.
Would often invent technical terms for ordinary activities. Taking off his sweater: rearranging thermal absorption materials for optimal operating conditions. Jiggling the projector to get our attention: a bit of photonic agitation stimulus. Exams: the November experience (always).

Apparently used to write things really small, then draw a magnifying glass and inside write the same thing in larger writing.

Would refer to variables as characters, and their relationships and order of importance with social relationships... "Now normally x is getting all the action, with poor little y being the dependent variable. But since this is not integratable, y finally gets its chance to shine, and x has to crawl away and do as y says."

Was trying to get some major astronomical theory he devised approved by the world of science. Every now and then he would give us updates on new evidence that proved he was right and all those fools who doubted him were wrong.

And throw into this mix the odd reference to fruit in diagrams, accompanied with the proper adjustments to make it look more like the fruit he had in mind, without any relevance.

People like this make me want to teach.
(riedacher_bertram, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:04, Reply)

Your Weirdest Teacher
Had a PE teacher called Mr.Myerscoff (no really) who looked uncannily like Oddbod from Carry-on Screaming in a blue tracksuit.
Married the female PE teacher who looked like the Child Catcher in Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang.
Hate to think what the kids looked like.
The other PE teacher was a bloke called Ambler who's immortal line to get boys into the showers was "Come on, we've all got dicks & bums"
( ERG1008 is climbing in yo windows & snatchin yo people up, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:03, Reply)

Huzzah!
One I actually have a story for!

The Dance teacher in my school changed his name from John Brown to Jozimba Panthera because, being of mixed race, he thought John Brown was racist. We didn't actually dance much either, but sat around in circles discussing racism and sexism.

Then there was the english teacher who had an affair with the boy in our year when we were in year 11. Apparently they later got married and everything.

Comprehensive schools rock.
( rosie posie tingly bongly, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:03, Reply)

My Weirdest teacher was actually very good.
I got an A in Weirdest.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:00, Reply)