I think his name was Mr Edwards
any b3tans who went to Poole Grammar can correct me. He taught english and as far as i remember had been a Japanese PoW. Whenever the lesson got too dull someone would ask about when he got bamboo shoved under his fingernails and he'd carry on like that until the bell. Every week.
(andysith vs. the becardiganed mousethra. EEK, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Well fuck that.....we had
Mr. Croxton (Reverend) (no surprise) bent as fuck.
Mr. Lloyd (margin, title block) for tech drawing. Bent as fuck.
Mr. Caine. Coke addict, thort he was zorro with a cane.
Mr. Talbot. Brian Ferry look-a-like.
Mr. Physics Turner. Full blown mentalist. Used to brew hooch, in school, with the class.
Miss Hewitt (girls PE teacher) gym skirt an white knickers. loads of dropped pens in her class. she ran off with gordon banks.

The list probably goes on but i got kicked out after two years there.
(mittymutu, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 23:33, Reply)

I forgot one
but "he" deserves a special mention.

Basically my year three teacher, Mr.Lee, is now Mrs.Lee.

I know this because my mum saw "him" in crap drag in the doctor's surgery. "An old frumpy dress that looked like it was from oxfam, and a shit blonde wig, he had makeup on as well but hadn't shaved" was the description I got.

My childhood is ruined.
(doris_day, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 23:31, Reply)

oooh science teachers.. what fun
Mr Davies.-
Rape a 13 year old school girl, currently serving time.

Miss Woolsey.- Dosed herself in petrol and set herself alight over christmas break. Whats left is currently feeding the worms.

real names and all.
No appologise for lenght (or lack thereof), im satisfied with it.
( Puffin Boy, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 23:29, Reply)

Not me but I wish it was!
A friend who I shall call Mike (not real name..honest) always looked a lot older than he was. He was a few years older than me and I didn't know him that well but he told me of his most embarassing moment ever one day:

When Mike was 15 he looked about 20. This meant he could go out to town on the piss with his older brother without getting asked for ID.

Well, one night he was out in town and he pulled. A corker too! He went back to this lass's place and promted to roger her. Monkey style.

Anyway, a week later and he's at school, revising hard when his teacher tells him to go to the classroom next door and get some text books.

He knocks on the door and enters. The classroom all turn and look at him. Who does he see staring right back at him? Yes, it's the lass he fannyrammed the week before...

..teaching the class English Literature.

She left the week after. A shame really because I would have...
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 23:22, Reply)

Mr Powell
Well all these stories are usually about teachers bullying pupils, however for our GCSE maths years we bullyed that poor man. i have many stories of humming, repeating with a slight delay, throwing rubbers at him, shouting, acting incredibly camp...you see he was a screaming homosexual and most all boys schools dont take kindly to that sort of behaviour, needless to say eventually he left...


by jumping out of the window and running across the school field... some swear they heard him shouting "im free...im FREE"
(antifilth, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 23:10, Reply)

Two of my teachers had a unique perspective
- and, I might add, an interesting way of reinforcing their lessons.

My first-year literature teacher, Mr McShane, supplemented his lectures on Arthurian legend with a screening of "Monty Python And The Holy Grail"... while Mr. Corbin added a great deal of interest to his biology class by using "The Boys From Brazil" as a visual aid to the concept of genetics.
(busterbeckett BUSTER BECKETT - saved by the buoyancy of citrus, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 23:03, Reply)

Not terribly strange, here...
Let's see... Three of them really stand out in my memory.

Mr. Gidney. Eccentric as heck, taught with a passion (when he was allowed to -- it was far too easy to piss him off), lovely guy... well, having read Harry Potter, I can't help seeing him as a younger version of Dumbledore.

M. Medina. One of those "horrible India-rubber men", he was supposedly trained by the French Foreign Legion. Looked like he stepped out of a Charles Atlas ad -- broad shoulders, narrow waist, muscles on his muscles, but only about 5'6" tall. When he got angry, he would throw things. Chalk-board erasers, chalk, and apparently at least once a student's desk. He later romanced and married the math teacher from the girls' side of the school, and is still working there some twenty years on... and so is she.

The original math teacher, Mr. Bachmann. A true sadist, he would beat up on the kids for no reason while we were trying to work in his classroom. He weighed about 300 lbs, had a thick German accent and a little black moustache on his jowly face... looked a bit like Sgt. Schultz after a jolly-ectomy. He only seemed happy when one of his students was screaming in pain. We used to call him Backmann Turner Overweight... until he found out. I can't say who paid the price for that... I wasn't there. But I heard it.

Not as good as many on here... but they did make an impression on me. Even if there were no scars.
(chazz, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 22:40, Reply)

Hey Doc, how's the hair going?
I had a high school teacher who had a Phd in Carnivorous Plants but that wasn't the wierd thing. He was one of the first in Australia to have a hair transplant.
It was done in stages in neat little rows and columns with new bits filled in every couple of months.
He was only about 5ft tall so even the junior pupils' main view of him was the top of his head.
(gamera, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 22:33, Reply)

Toilet issues
Not actually one of my old teachers, but a story my ex-boyfriend told me. He had a newly qualified teacher taking them for a class when they were in year 11. Anyway she basically wasn't very good at keeping the class under control and one day things got too much for her. She started screaming, then locked herself in the supplies cupboard.... and then had a shit! She stayed in there for hours! Dirty bitch... I think she was carted off for psychological help soon after that!
(monkeymadness, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 22:22, Reply)

My Politics Teacher
unfortunatly (for me) went out with my sister (they were at sixth form together mind). He's not the weird one though.

My other politics teacher fancies himself as a bit of a casanova. Despite having a long term girlfriend his job as head of international education sends him all over the world. He then returns with tales of his sexual conquests.
The best was when he got excited for over 2 weeks about going to Norway, and came back telling us about this stunning woman and boned. Only for her to email him every day, telling him about her 2 children and how her husband had left her. The look of fear on the blokes face was priceless
(The Crotch, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 22:20, Reply)

I'm trying to be a stange teacher!
Just started teaching in a good old London comprehensive, remembering that kids used to pay attention to mad teachers i'm attempting to develop an oddity. My fellow teacher friend has bought a promenade cane and taken to smoking a pipe. I'm trying to develop a tick and pretend to mad, pour example, spending an entire lesson interpretting everything the kids say as being about Lord of the Rings and Gandalf fight with that firey monster
(pluke in a giant mechanical pickle, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:59, Reply)

Aaah, the memories...
I've had the pleasure of nothing but weird teachers, but the best was Mr. Hauass, the German teacher from Egypt.

He was EXTREMELY gay and angry. He drove a green three-wheeler, which he used to kick in fits of rage, minced everywhere and screamed at us in a bizarre mix of Arabic and German when we pissed him off, which was all the time. He'd also randomly throw things at us (chalk erasers, rulers, empty bottles, etc.), which was a bit scary but ultimately funny.

But the best thing about him was, and this was at least once a week, he'd teach us wearing a full set of rollers under a headscarf. The man was fearless (or just a loon).
( Fictional Emma, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:58, Reply)

Our RE Teacher.
Firstly he is the biggest paedophile I've ever seen. He's always staring down girls' tops.
Secondly, he has a habit of picking up coppers on the floor, which of course causes us to chcuk 2ps around his room.
Thirdly, he bought his wife off the internet. She's from China. It's no secret either. He even gives us lectures on how great she is... (?).
Finally, and worst of all, his favourite film is Nuns on the Run.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:53, Reply)

I went to a comprehensive school in the early 1980's....
....so where do you want to start with weird teachers??

1) Mr. Wetherburn, Geography. Was the spitting image of Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe, bloody identical. Well, apart from having one eye, the other having been removed by a stray snowball (mostly ice) which hit him, thrown by a pupil. Therefore he HATED all pupils, and thought they were all taking the piss. For example, any pupil rubbing their eye due to hay fever would be given a hiding into the middle of the next week!!

2) Mr. Donnelly, taught everything and anything from geography / history / PE. Grade A, King Loony, top-of-league nutter. Was missing 2 fingers on his right hand, and depending on the story he decided to tell, were lost a) In an industrial accident b) In the second World War or C) By a live microphone in the nightclub where he used to be compere. Threw me out of a history class once because he thought the skin around my eyebrows was too thin, therefore making me easy to cut by a boxers punch!!!

3) Miss Redican, Religious Ed., The stroppiest, evil, most cock-hating creature ever to walk this planet. This woman was 'on-the-blob' for my whole 5 years at Comp School. Well, that was until the end-of-term party in our final year, when we went for a secret drink with some smuggled booze into the gym, and found her being fingered 'knuckle deep' by our Environmental Studies teacher, himself who had only been re-instated at the start of the previous academic year after being sacked for being a piss-artist!

I'll leave it at that, but there are many, many more. The biggest miracle is how we actually got an education out of this lot!!
(Charlie Baked Potato, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:48, Reply)

Where to begin?
1. Physics teacher - mad as a badger and then some. Easily distracted by anything and everything. Wore the same Wallace & Gromit tie every day until he got bored with it and swapped it for his solar system tie. Cycled to school in neon yellow cycling gear during the petrol crisis. Was obsessed with the Tour de France, Sophie Ellis-Bextor ("She is a goddess!"), Star Trek, anything kinky. Was also obsessed with Mussolini, to the extent that if his name was mentioned he would goose-step around his lab crying "Il DUCE!" at the top of his voice. He kept an egg-shaped red light in his darkroom that he referred to as 'the Orb' and anyone who entered had to 'hail to the Orb' before you could do anything. And the best one? We had a wasp in the lab one day, and instead of opening a window and letting it out, he fetched a can of the ice spray used to freeze components in circuits, and froze the wasp to death. Mr H, I salute you.

2. German teacher - bald Bavarian Gollum lookalike naturist, who openly admitted to tying up his wife and the fact he wore a skirt at weekends. Made us listen to a German version of Tom Lehrer, though not as funny, would go off on endless rants about Goethe and things that were nothing to do with our course, and made endless references to having sex with his wife. I made it my mission to never be in a room on my own with him.

3. Latin teacher - used to bang a pebble on the desk when he wanted everyone's attention, used sarcasm instead of raising his voice and once tried to smoke a piece of chalk. Legend.

4. Domestic Science teacher - hated everyone who could answer one of her questions. Used to barge people out of the way by yelling "BEEP BEEP!" rather than "Excuse me!". Had no idea about personal/food hygiene, and her chopping boards were always filthy. I never ate anything I made in there.

5. Chemistry teacher - set fire to herself and flirted with anything male.

6. Biology teacher - would recite the entire Parrot Sketch word-for-word if asked nicely.

7 - French teachers - all insane.

8 - History teacher - school slut.

9 - Games teacher - put a then about 4'5 me in goal with the tallest girl in the year for a house netball match. We got slaughtered and everyone blamed me.
( Maladicta, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:46, Reply)

Miss Lauden
was a German teacher. Not a teacher OF German... a teacher of absolutely fucking anything they had for her, who happened to have been born in Germany. What a supply teacher she was. She was tall, thin and blonde. She was an Ayran supermensch. She was bloody useless. This was compounded by her magnificent teutonic determination that any old subject at all was well within her grasp to teach to a bunch of children who knew jack shit. Not for her the normal supply teacher method - sit down, shut up, then when the time comes, fuck off. She helped us along our way by grabbing a copy of our text book and teaching us the finer points of whatever the shit it was that day.

Pupils who she thought to be excelling within this Lauden Curriculum were awarded with tennis balls. To this day I do not know if anyone actually ever received a tennis ball from her.
( dotmund .co.uk, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:31, Reply)

My old Chemistry teacher...
was/is a convicted paedophile.

I guess that classifies him as weirder than the German teacher who locked herself in the cupboard to cry for an hour after a pupil took the piss out of her long dead husband.
(Bazilla, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:21, Reply)

Mr Crabtree
An unhinged loon, who we all loved very much.
One week came into school with a cut on his forehead. On questioning, he admitted that he had headbutted the toilet whilst attempting to spit in it. Next day, he arrived at his first class (us) looking very sheepish, only to admit half-an-hour in that he had shat himself whilst driving to school.
Turned out he believed the school toilets were against him and thought he would chance his ancient bladder.
( timothycrippins, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:18, Reply)

Mrs Flint.
We have a very strange RE teacher. She wears a florescent jacket. Not so that she doesn’t get run over, but because she likes bright sparkly pink and orange. She looks like the living dead, but becomes quite animated when a student leans back on his or her chair. Cries of “I’M VERY FOND OF MY CHAIRS” can be heard far off in space and punishment essays fly like blind toads in the moonlight.
There is a rather lovely pupil in our class who goes by the name of Mike. He is lovely and we love him. Inside his homework journal he wrote, "I fucked Miss Flint" because he is so lovely. Cue Miss Flint flying out of the classroom, screaming "I WILL NEVER TEACH YOU AGAIN!" and trying to get Mike expelled. Mike is lovely, though, and didn’t.
She had cancer last year and had loads of time off. When she came back, she looked skeletal, but has since gained a stomach, yet no other bodily fat, adding to her generally terrifying image. She has a habit of walking through doors leading out into the playground, walking through the doors a few feet away, then repeating the process just in case she finds somebody with an untucked shirt she can supply with detention.


We also have a fabulous headteacher called Mrs. Addison who looks like an uglier-than-normal Wendy from Wallace & Gromit.

She wears her pants around her nipples and once bragged "Me and Mr. Owen were being passionate this weekend!". She has an obsession with birds of various kinds, and always bases her assemblies around some kind of bird, for example the memorable "What can we learn from geese?" and the random Osprey assembly where our crappy IT technician broke the internet.

FUNTEIMZ.
(cottaging, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:13, Reply)

I AM the strange teacher.
It gives me the immortality of not being forgotten by my students that think I am mad.

There is logic there.
( Spaniels Ears, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:02, Reply)

I had a teacher
who unfortunately lost his right thumb in an accident. Luckily the doctors cut off one of his toes and sewed that on in its place.

It was the best toe-thumb ever!
( The Helpful Bear, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 20:54, Reply)

Dr Rodney B
Physics teacher. Turned up for his first lesson with us, sat down at the front of the class with his handle-less mug of tea and said not a word. Then he pulled a radio out of his bag and turned on Radio 3 and proceeded to listen to a concert for the next hour. We all sat and looked at each other, and then began conversations amongst ourselves. At the end of the hour, he stood up and said "I've got to play that tonight" and left.

We had two years of this sort of oddity. Somehow I got a grade A.

We later found out that he'd been forced out of his last job for fiddling with the boys. The parents had been promised that he would never teach again. Ho hum.
(graybo, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 20:46, Reply)

Have you showered boy?
I can't mention any names, or the exact school, as this story already caused major ructions on my school's message board on Friends Reunited:

We had a devout Christian PE teacher who was obsessed with personal hygeine...or maybe he was obsessed with teen boys genitals, the jury's still out on that one. Anyway, everytime he took a group for PE he would insist on everyone having a shower, even if no one had got dirty. (Fielding at Cricket was a good exmaple of not needing to shower) As it was, we'd all noticed that he was getting more obsessive over cleanliness and we also didn't like the way he'd wait for us coming out of the shower to make sure we were clean and we'd actually got wet. I'm not sure if one of the kids parents had mad a complaint, but over the coming weeks, he began to stay out of the changing rooms, but would return after 10 minutes to make sure we'd showered. Some of us got so creeped out by being naked around him that we got into the habit of just getting out hair wet, then getting dressed quickly before he re-appeared, even going ot the lengths of making sure our towels got wet so it looked like we'd got showered. We decided to take revenge one morning though...bearing in mind this man was a fully paid up god-botherer, we found a joke advert in VIZ that was basically a church by post service where you could send in money in exchange for forgiveness from God. (I seem to remember that £25 was the price for "Fiddling with Parts") We put this up on the notice board in the main entrance to the lower school (with the application form at the bottonm filled out with our pervy PE teacher's details) where he found it and went ballistic, launching into a one man crusade to find the culprits, threatening everyone in our year group with eternal damnation.

Never found out if he was a fan of Gary Glitter though.

Also at the same school...

A female RE teacher who's classroom was always steamed up due to her moistness and the fact that she was incontinent. She had a cushion that she kept on her chair which was constantly wet and smelled like a tramp's hostel.

A female supply teacher who taught Physics, royally fucked up the curriculum that she was supposed to teach then denied everything when all her pupils failed their GCSEs. Oddly enough, the school thought she was great and gave her a full-time position.

A psychotic geography teacher who's favourite trick was to pick up his pupils and throw them into the bin.

A Lesbian PE teacher who shocked everyone by switching teams and having a red-hot affair with our Headmaster. Both of them had to resign.
(The Graduate Adding to the confusion since 1974, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 20:41, Reply)

Oh and another thing...
My very fit RE teacher deserves a mention for her unusual saintly patience. Despite having her religion mocked on a daily basis and constant blonde jokes (Whys a blonde like a door? - The harder you bang them the louder they get) she barely batted an eyelid after the bloody pentagrams on the desks, the rapid satanification of the class computer and the complete lack of work however she did crack after an incident involving a friend and a large chalk pentagram on the carpet. When asked at the end of the GCSE course to produce a poster showing what we had learnt we handed in a blank sheet and she said it was fairly accurate.
(lankymike, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 20:40, Reply)

Basically most of my English dept were a bunch of cunts
I have a sneaking suspicion that at least 1 b3tan went to my school so im getting in there before he does. Names are changed.

Mr Mack. English teacher who would insist on reading out texts to the whole class. This made shakespearian plays somewhat tiresome as you7 would sit there for days on end listening to his dull monotone. But all Eng teachers do that. All eng teachers are not, however, profoundly dyslexic. "Now is the... win-ter... of our discontinent - dis...content, sorry, made... glorious summer..."

He would stand at the front rocking back and forth in such a way it was essentially pelvic thrusting wild doing his (poor) reading. I complained after he accidentally caught me on the side of the face one day as he did it over my desk.

Helater took to crouching when talking to pupils at desks, but resting his bollocks on thw corner of the table as he did so. so we used to chalk it, so he'd have big chalk marks on his crotch and look like he'd been clawing himself all day.

Bizarrely he was sent on a teacher exchange program to Canada. I'm so sorry Canada.

And the head of Dept that hired the above teacher, Dr Smith. Dr Smith clearly hates children and won his job as some sort of "Kids are cunts" club booby prize. Although every Red Nose day he would come in dressed as a clown, but due to his almost constant frown, it was like being taught by Pennywise from "It". He had the individual desks arranged in groups of 4 at perfect 45 degree angles to each other, and would often issue punishment essays if the angles were fouled in some way. This was checked with a protractor.

He was born with a congenital deformity on his hand, which meant he only had 2 fingers and a thumb, and would often tell the class he would be back in 5 minutes, accompanied with appropriate hand signal, despite only showing 3 digits.

He would often study Wilfred Owen's Dulce Et Decorum Est but would tippex the line "obscene as cancer" because it was inappropriate, despite the poem's graphic description of someone dying during a gas attack.

Ms Janson. Old, fat and possibly a lesbian due to the outrageous favouritism of the fairer sex. I had english in her room the period after lunch (fortunately not with her, but the one good english teacher) so left my bag in her room. Wheni returned for said class, someone had hidden my bag. After an hour's worth of searching, and the rector issuing a memo to all classes that theft would not be tolerated, i began to suspect Ms J. I was told i was being fatuous, but that remark was hastily withdrawn when one of my favourite teacher spotted my bag hastily crammed behind the water cooler in the staffroom.

Ms J would also regularly issue the gents wih arbitrary punishments "for being boys, and being stupid"

As i mentioned her somewhat rotund figure, Ms J insisted on using the lift to get to the eng dept on the 3rd floor. She said it was because she had a bad hip; 1000 pupils and 60 staff members said it's cos she was a big fat fuck.
(Rushy, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 20:39, Reply)

Names hidden to avoid incriminating anybody
While I was at Magd#l*n Coll?ge Scho@l in Br£ckley, Northa@ptonshire we had some special cases:
Mr St0kes - had a nervous breakdown, recovered then had another, (repeat x2) all of these were in the lesson after ours although he always claimed we were his best class, he also had an obsesion with Co-op toffee assortments.
Mr (Scarface) Sm1th - A bit of a tosser but a legend after we discovered the huge scar on his chin was from a bottling administered by his best mate after some alledged girlfriend fondling.
Mrs M4rsh - had a phobia of students, on class washed all the ink out of her register and then after she re-wrote all of it tthey glued it shut. They used to stick glue sticks to the ceiling above her desk so they would fall of during the lesson and pretend not to notice. She sent the entire class outside to stand in the corridor while she continued to teach an empty room. Our class used to swap seats every time she turned round. She had a nervous breakdown.
Mr. Umpl3by - Had a phobia of cupboards as a result of being locking in a dark room for several hours by a student and an obsession with spiderplants.
Mr. Crawly - blind as a blind thing to the activities going on around him (including some sizable lab fires) used to insist that you wore saftey glasses to use taps.
Mr mangled (I don't know his name) lost a hand in a car crash and developed a morbid interest in disfiguring injuries, very odd.
Mr T4ylor - everyone suspected he was a nonce after the 'suitable underpants for growing lads' talk to our PE class.

There are more but I feel I'm hogging space (and likely to get sued)
(lankymike, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 20:35, Reply)

P@nk@th High School
1 - The guy who hid in a cupboard when the dad of the kid he'd called a 'jungle bunny' turned up in school
2 - The female teacher who was caught and photocopied, appearing in readers wives spread-eagle
3 - The female art teacher screwing 5th Years

fucking classic 80's education!!!
(fleas, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 20:25, Reply)

Head of RE
Well you have to go around with kid gloves in RE, don't want to offend anyone’s religion and stuff like that.
Well my RE teacher going by the name of Ms Randahawa was, well the total opposite. Ever lesson was a mass conversion to Sikhism! She was actually crazy, putting chairs under door handles to stop people getting in or out. Accused a pupil of "Sexually assaulting her" which was a total lie, in fact she threw a book at my mates nads (ouch). Also came into work drunk, asked year 8's (9th grade) where the best piss up spots were in the area. She asked to leave, and did on the same day.

Had our share of supply teachers, one was blind as a bat and two were deaf. I’m sure we mentally scared a few =p.

The new RE teacher is off his rocker to. Had a 16yr old red (now orange with fade) Peugeot which he rolled into a ditch and still drove.

What a mad house

TVRTim
(The Better Tim! Free of them STDs since, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 20:21, Reply)