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This is a question Worst Band Ever

If I was in charge of the B3ta fatwa department, we wouldn't be hearing too much from Simply Red in the future. Who's on your musical shit list and why?

(, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 12:00)
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This question is now closed.

Musical shit list
The Thompson Twins, der...there were three of them, and those repugnant hats that Alannah Currie wore in the 80s.

N-Dubz, Why does that Dappy twat keep shouting nahaaaaay?

Willow Smith, god damn 9 year old "whipping her hair back and forth", when it comes on Radio 1, most of the DJs utter some derogatory comment to highlight its complete shitness.

Diana Vickers, why can't she stop that whispery, whiny octave jumping shit?
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 13:12, 3 replies)
When you watch this you will understand...
Before you watch I must warn you that you will want to paper cut her eyes and force her to piss her own teeth out.


The fact that 'an Indie' is regarded as a thing is annoying enough, but to exemplify an entire group of people using this little sod is excruciating. I would rather have sex with a nail than have the statement 'Oh I like alternative guitar music' equate me to this type of person.

It isn't just because she has no self-awareness. It's hardly her fault she's been chosen to represent an entire group of people with a token title that barely scratches the surface of what people are actually like. It's the fact that she says her life was changed by Razorlight.

Firstly, that wave of post-Libertines landfill indie that turned pub bands into stadium rockers annoys the shit out of me anyway, as every guitar band in the country decided they either had to be from Essex and write about Britishness with all the grace and wit of a Daily Mail discussion board member, or be the new U2 and put delayed guitars on everything and play stadiums and be EPIC while saying things like 'Obviously Bono is a wonderful man...'

Secondly Razorlight epitomise everything I hate about that wave of music. Not only did they come from a suddenyly achingly cool place full Nathan Barleys where NME journalists waited outside pubs to fellate anyone walking past in a leather jacket but, and this is much more important, they were shite. Truly shite. So buttock clenchingly pisspoor that Pete Doherty's tedious life and times were less irritating.

I had heard a couple of songs from the first album and thought 'They're nothing special, there are plenty of bands out there who're better than this', but had reckoned without their totemic bell-end of a front man bragging his way through an NME interview about how spectacularly great he was, and the magazine realised they were onto a good thing and promoted the fuck out of them. They knew that people would want to read Johnny Borrell talking utter bollocks about how he had invented rock and roll and how he had once smoked a spliff and now he could fart new colours and his jizz was the note between B and C and he was better than Dylan, Lennon, and Craddock.

Ignoring the fact that his lyrics are like something you'd expect to find in a volume of poetry written by Adrian Mole, ignoring the fact that the rest of the band clearly hate him, and ignoring the fact that I saw Razorlight at T in the Park playing to a group of e'er dwindling people (after they'd become 'big') which consisted of Borrell staggering about the stage with his top off, hollering and swinging his guitar around. Occasionally he'd hit a chord, but it would probably not be one the rest of the band were playing. They stood long sufferingly playing the actual song while Borrell careered around as if he was in Velvet Goldmine, fucking everything up and acting as if what he was doing was somehow of great artistic value. It was without doubt the worst live performance I've ever seen.

Then they released a second album when I was working at a shop that left the radio on all the time. And they'd somehow got worse. This time, however, I couldn't do anything other to escape. A couple of times I managed to make it to the stock room before 'America' came on, but mainly I had to listen, praying for a customer with a loud voice to come along and talk to me about anything at all. This never happened. Instead I had to listen to a catfaced arsecandle wittering meaningless bollocks over their version of epic music. Razorlight are a pub rock band, but they got caught up in the whole fucking EPIC music thing until they got to Live Aid and decided they were U2. Everything had to be soaring and grand and able to, y'know, heal the world and bring people together because that's what music is about, yeah?

Cunt off. Cunt right off. Razorlight are an ego project for a spongelike vanity-felch rodent-faced pen-scratching attention seeking English-language-sodomising vacuum packed nodular scuntbucket and their inexplicable popularity was part of the crest of a wave that contained The Kooks singing 'She moves in her own way' about Katie bloody Melua, every guitar band in the world taking turns to feel Bono's flaccid cock settle on their lips before they started working the foreskin as EPICALLY as fucking possible before getting a papercut on their tongue because that's where the bastard keeps his tax break money and he never actually comes anyway because even his climaxes have delay pedals on them while Snow Patrol chime away in the background with another of their "*guitar* chime,chime,chime,chime, chime...*oirish vocals* you have such pretty eyes, let's run away together...*guitar*DERNERNERNERNERNERNER-DER-NERNERNERNERNERNER etc. " songs and Biffy Clyro have managed to become popular by writing whole albums worth of Foo Fighters b-sides and The Pigeon Detectives were actually popular rather than being dismissed as a satire on boring music by people who think that being 'an Indie' means you have to wear converse and artfully slashed jeans and who stopped watching Doctor Who after David Tennant left.

So in conclusion, I hate Razorlight.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 13:10, 9 replies)
Persistant advertsongs.
I hate these with all my being. Some companies seem determined to use the same song for weeks, months and possibly years on end, like some sort of hideous theme tune. It makes me not want to buy their products ever again. Current serious offenders are: British Gas, Lloyds TSB, Co-op, Boots (argh fucking hell Boots) and a host of other tossers who make me reach for the mute button every time.

Oh dear, I'm all full of rage now
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 12:58, 5 replies)
Not the band as such
But the thing it is attached to,im thinking of my wifes wedding ring.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 12:48, Reply)
bang bang machine
Cast your mind back to the early nineties. I was seriously interested in romancing the future mrs mersault* and we regularly went to gigs together. Often chaperoned by a mutual friend, this time we were on our own, and I was persuaded to watch her 'favourite band', the one and (thankfully) only Bang Bang Machine.

After watching 60 minutes of the most derivative, mind liquidising, tedious indie rock where the female lead singer performed in a wedding dress, we availed ourselves to the bar.

All too soon I was asked what I thought of the band. At first I started hearing myself say something like 'they were alright, some ok tunes in there and the lead singer in the wedding dress was-'. Then I could continue no further. I caved in and admitted that I 'hated it, never been so bored in my life. They were even worse than Flowered Up.'

The object of my desire stormed off out of the venue and in to the night, before realising that she didnt like walking home in the dark and returned. Not much was said on the way home. Got a chew when we got back to her place though, so I guess it was worth it.

*There was a slight problem of a cock of a boyfriend back home.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 12:47, 2 replies)
The Aimless Dovepuppets
...a band I've invented as a kind of litmus test for hipsters.
They're coming up in Hoxton, I tell them. They're about to break big time. I've got their first EP on first-press seven inch vinyl. Only the boring black vinyl though, not the super-rare, only-five-ever-made picture vinyl with the hand-inked sleeve.They're a kind of post-fusion, post-colonial electro hip-hop feminist collective who happen to play gigs when they're not sitting in dark corners and cutting themselves.

Responses and consequences:

I've never heard of them. Are you sure you're not making it up?
A good person. Buy them a drink. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Yeah, I've heard of them. My friend's got the *gold* vinyl.
Consequence: Wanker, avoid.

I liked them about three months ago.
You feel that itch in your knuckles? That's God's way of telling you to smite. No jury would convict you! Attack! Kill!
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 12:33, 6 replies)
Kate Nash & Lily Allen
Upper middle class women who went to private school pretending to be cockney, it's patronising shite.

Exhibit A: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryH5cga0yUI

(I managed 5 seconds)
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 12:30, 7 replies)
The band who I hate the most is out of control. Not the band - my hate for them. If I could like them I would, but other people have ruined them for me. The radio ruined them for me. My first year flatmates ruined them for me. Ultimately, uni ruined them.

Kings of Leon.

Not actually a bad band. But the number of times per day I was forced to listen to 'Sex on fire' is just silly. My flatmates used it as their getting out of bed anthem, their shared cooking anthem, their pre-drinks anthem, then at the club? It plays again. At least once an hour. Then we/they get back home, and they're screaming it up and down the corridor at 5am.

I would be able to like Kings of Leon, if it weren't for all the other cunts that like them. Do I like feeling this way? No. Do I feel guilty? Kings of Leon we once asked, "what band do you hate most right now?" They replied, "Kings of Leon."
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 11:49, 11 replies)
Anyone that passes off talking a bit funny/quickly as singing
with Lily Allen being a prime example.
I've heard spastics recite the alphabet more tunefully.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 11:38, 15 replies)
What about the metal band ...
... that lined the tyre of Air France Flight 4590. When this band broke up, it destroyed the engine, causing a crash that killed 109 people and led to the end of commercial supersonic flight.

Surely the worst band ever.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 11:36, Reply)
Ocean Colour Scene
Hated them then, hate them now (are they still around?). Unchallenging, retro music that contributed nothing to musical evolution, could have been made at any point in the last 30-40 years.

edit: aaaargh fucking hell they're still going!
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 11:32, 1 reply)
I dislike far better bands than you AND I dislike them on limited edition colour vinyl.

(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 11:31, 7 replies)
I'd say Rage Against The Machine
Their music is poorly written, their lyrics could have come from a 12 year old's journal who is rebelling against homework, and I think it's high time they grew up, and stopped protesting.

Plus, singing "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me" on a live radio show when you're nearly 40 is neither big, nor clever, you fucking helmet.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 11:24, 17 replies)
Not exactly a 'band' (unless you count the brilliant 'Tin Machine')

In fairness I don’t believe Bowie to be the worst ever, I just have a massive problem with the adulation he gets but doesn’t (in my expert view) deserve. At all.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)
The Arcade Fire
Let me begin by stating that I know so little about Arcade Fire that I don't even know if there's a "The" prefixing their name. Hell, I wouldn't know one of their songs if it was played on a loop. I'm actually not that sure if they do such a mundane thing as a song - they probably do a "piece" or something. Nope, what I detest about this particular band are the humourless pretentious followers of Elite Indie Rock.

A follower of Elite Indie Rock is best exemplified by those twenty and thirty-something cardigan-wearing (males; the females prefer tea dresses and opaque tights), Converse-shod skinny types who sport asymmetric haircuts and an unwarranted superior musical attitude. They revel in the obscure quirkiness of their tastes. The twee is to be embraced in an ironic manner. The more unknown the band, the more offbeat and whiny the music, the more they love it. Arcade Fire made them pee a little with excitement when first they emerged because everyone used terms like "critically acclaimed" and there was a collective of musicians onstage dressed just like them!.

I have been informed that I obviously don't know and don't like music because I express no interest in (The) Arcade Fire and was not falling over myself to go and stand amongst all the other fringe-wearers at some alt gig location. To be honest, the whole thing just makes me think of that couple on the Match.com advert ("I like old movies... Like the Godfather...3...") - you just know they're going to go on a date to see Arcade Fire, possibly with a mumbling drink beforehand, with some surreptitious hand-holding and sideways smiles during the finale, and then some weak but meaningful sex in his North London bedsit.

I like music, I'm just not a humourless bollix about it. For "(The?) Arcade Fire" fill in any band's name where a bunch of earnest self-proclaimed music lovers are queuing to get into the gig, hipstamatic cameras at the ready.

Q. How many Elite Indie Rock fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. What, you mean you haven't heard it?
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 11:06, 4 replies)
Bryan Adams
I'm not sure if he still holds the record for the longest UK number 1 in history with everything i do. There is a lot I appreciate and respect about Canada but I wish they would lock him up for crimes against humanity.

Wet wet wet for similar reasons to B Adams, holding number 1 spot for way too long, "I feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes", nuff said. However in every bag of shite there is a sparkle of gold and the sparkle here was that people got so sick of that song they never brought another wet record....Nice.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 10:49, 10 replies)
What annoys me most about music these days...
... is how technically poor it is. Vocalists can barely sing in tune, instrumentalists struggle their way through basic chord progressions that would get a C in GCSE music, orchestrations are simply lazy and changing key up a semitone pretty much the standard indication that the last verse has been reached (at least you know it'll be over soon, I guess). Being good at music sadly doesn't seem to be a prerequisite for being a musician these days.

I had the misfortune of sitting through part of the X Factor final this year (was stuck on the sofa feeding our baby with the remote out of reach). The bit I caught was the "duet" round, where they got some established stars to sing with the prospective contestants. The most astonishing thing was that not only were the contestants musically crap (which is what you'd expect), but the star musicians were awful too. Rhianna and Robbie Williams were dire, Will.i.am was simply beyond awful. Surprisingly, Christina Aguilera seemed to actually be able to sing, and ended up completely upstaging the poor contestant she was accompanying. The judges then had orgasms over these shit performances.

What's really depressing, though, is that there are legions of really talented people, who can really sing well and play their instruments brilliantly, who simply aren't marketable enough to make it. In almost any televised performance, I can almost guarantee that the backing singers and the faceless instrumentalists performing off-screen are far better musicians that the star thrashing out off-key vocals on the camera.

So who's on my musical shit-list? Pretty much all of them. I want to listen to stuff where I don't simply feel that I could perform it better myself or know somebody who could. I want to hear stuff with more novelty than the elevator music that's churned out.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 10:43, 10 replies)
The Lighthouse Family
Bland, bland and more bland. If it was forced on me as a desert island disc I would spend the rest of my days trying to make a length of rope from coconut husks.

Oh and I am sure this has been done but black eyed peas for giving even pop music a bad name. Truly bad and can't believe they covered that tune from dirty dancing, it was crap then (sorry ladies) and it's even crapper now.

All boy & girl bands but less so the girls, at least it's something to look at.

Paul Macartney- For not knowing when to call it a day. He reminds me of someones dad who still thinks he's down with the kids....Like him for his Beatles work, very little of his Wings stuff (live & let die theme tune, best Bond film imo) and all the work he does for chariddy.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 10:40, 4 replies)
A song, not a band, and probably not the worst ever but still

The tune is a dirge and the lyrics are hypocritical, self-righteous twaddle. It reminds me of the hippie types who think "sharing" means helping themselves to your stash and the contents of your fridge.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 10:34, 8 replies)
I have many...
but the Tamburello corner at San Marino has to be my worst bend ever.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 10:06, 7 replies)
Thing is...
..I don’t have the time to hate music anymore.

I’ve a massively wide range of tastes, from Heavy Metal to Opera. I love Prog Rock to bits, but will also listen to Emmylou Harris or Neil Young. I love sixties Psychedelia, but will happily listen to Glenn Miller or Duke Ellington for hours.

Over the years I’ve accumulated a nice collection of CDs and now have a lot of stuff in mp3 format, with a large chunk of it carried around on a 120Gb iPod (it won’t all fit, annoyingly).

Despite never listening to the radio, I still get to hear “new” stuff, occasionally. My wife recently heard Taylor Swift on TV and bought her CD (which, despite all my prejudices, I actually quite like). Last week I bought a Moby Grape CD because I’d not heard them before and was curious. It’s not bad.

The point is, then, that I don’t bother wasting time listening to anything I don’t want to. If I don’t like it, I ignore it.

So don’t get all worked up about something that you think is shit. Ignore it. Be selective in your listening habits and just listen to stuff you like.

Trust me, it’s easier on the ears and the ulcers…..

(Although saying that, I would see all rappers consigned to their own circle of Hell..!)
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 9:50, 4 replies)
Am I the only one..
Who thinks Ellie Goulding sounds as though she's giving a permanent blowjob to a helium balloon?
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 5:37, 1 reply)
The Worst Band In The World ... by quite a bit.

Oh dear. I've perused the board on at least one occasion every single week of the 8 years and 28 days that I've been a member, yet I've never actually posted anything until today. I can't for the life of me think why not. I just assumed I'd been joining in all along. Talk about a new breed of slack. I shall go and face the corner.

Am I perhaps the laziest of all B3tans?

(answers on a postcard, please)

Anyhow, back in the '90s, I was one half of Pwürg (and still am, at least on paper). Pwürg possibly don't belong on this thread, being arguably the finest lo-fi Carnival/Goth/Doom/Fairground genre crossover band ever to have come out of the Thames Valley area.

(Indeed, longtime B3tans may fondly remember my dear friend and co-conspirator, Mr Lucas Bones - aka Kallus - whose lovely spore-related artwork used to regularly pepper this very board.)

BOBO+BOBO, on the other hand, are a different kettle of fish.

As young protégés of our long-time associate and producer - the legendary Ray Hurley-Castle - BOBO+BOBO came into being solely to be the worst band in the world.

A few years back, a talented Tokyo musician, working under the pseudonym of Syntax Terror, firmly laid down his handkerchief at the feet (or possibly chin) of Melbourne-based tunesmith Bobolino and challenged him to a musical duel.

Their mission was to listen to the greatest and most popular songs of the last hundred years and observe the elements that make them so endearing and enduring ... then completely leave all that good stuff out. They were each to create what they felt was the worst song of all time - a tune that was bad in every imaginable respect.

While Syntax Terror forged ahead on his lonesome, Bobolino hooked up with Bobolina (who was either his girlfriend, wife, mistress or sister, depending on which version you believe) and together they became BOBO+BOBO. Their resultant anti-masterpiece was to unanimously beat "The Aerobic Detective" hands down. Syntax Terror conceded defeat.

"My Love Is Soft (Fluffy Puppy)" was born.

This contagiously-repetitive musical nightmare quite possibly IS the worst song ever recorded.

Indeed, the man charged with mastering the atrocity - one of the UK's top audio engineers - conveyed the following to Ray:

"When I first played it to my colleague, she was in tears within 20 seconds and still in shock 20 minutes later. The song is now firmly lodged in my internal jukebox (or ear worm, as the Germans call it). It's now a game here in the studio to try and plant the song in each other's heads, testament to how catchy and annoying it is. We can do it with just the words "like a puppy" or "my love is soft", usually to loud protestations. I hate you."

To make matters worse, an accompanying video clip was brought into being. This will very much give you the full experience - so watch at your own peril.

Friends, Romans, B3tans ... I give you
BOBO+BOBO: The Worst Band In The World:

My Love Is Soft (Fluffy Puppy)

(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 3:08, 6 replies)
It's really quite hard to come up with a definitive answer to this question,
what with taste being subjective and all. I've thrown my hat into the ring earlier in this QOTW, not that it really matters because some people agreed with me, and some didn't, as was to be expected.

There is one definitive conclusion that I've managed to draw as a result of all these stories though, and that is that the British public in general don't really give a flying fuck about music being some sort of art form, which makes me very, very sad. I could have easily come to this conclusion after the first series of X factor to be fair, but reading all the stories this week has just made me think.

Music, in my eyes, is like the strangest drug. You don't have to ingest it in any way, you just have to be near it for it to have an impact on you, and what an impact it can have. There are certain songs that can change my mood the second they start. There are pieces of music that can make me feel like I'm flying, and there are pieces of music that make me feel like I could punch my way through a brick wall.

The fact that so many millions of people in this country make do with that watered down, conveyor belt, plastic shit that you get on radio 1 is a sad indictment of just how little music must mean to so many people. If all you want out of it is the soundtrack to you pissing your nights away in some shitty nightclub, that is as forgettable as it is insincere, then I feel truly sorry for you because you're missing a world.

And yet, you are the sole reason for all that is wrong in the world of music, because you're the majority. The worthless, fucking ignorant majority.

I am a musician, and a struggling one at that. I have tried and tried again to make a career out of playing music, out of doing something that I truly love, and it's hard. Too hard in fact. It's hard to the point of being nearly impossible in a country where bands and artists have a sell by day like you'd find on a carton of milk. "Too old. Too ugly. Not enough tattoos. Not the right look." Because what I do isn't marketable on a wide scale, there is no way I'm ever going to make a living doing it. That doesn't sound like an art form to me. That sounds like a fucking episode of "Dragons Den".

Music is meant to move past the superficial. It affects you an at almost spiritual level, and those of you who truly love music will know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, fuck off back to your JLS records.

I don't really know what the point of me writing this was, but I felt the need to say it anyway, and here seemed about as relevant a place as any. Instead of pointing the finger at various shit bands, we should all collectively point the finger at the fucking idiots who facilitate this stifling creative abyss.

It was all fun and games getting Rage Against The Machine to number one last year, but how many people that bought that fucking single probably tuned in to watch the X Factor every week? It only sold 500,000 copies. There were 17 million people voting in last years final. That's more people voting for the X Factor than voted for the conservatives!

It's not enough to just buy a single once a year to push a certain band to number one. That does nothing. If you give a shit about music, turn your fucking television off and go and watch a gig.

You can go out in any city in Britain, on any night of the week, and watch a band play for fuck all. Not because they're getting paid, or because they might get famous, but because they fucking love music.

Some might be shit but maybe, just maybe, you'll see something you love, and you can tell your friends, and they'll love it too. And when they tell their friends, and they tell their friends and so on, and the band gets momentum enough to make a record that could possibly go down in history as being truly great, you can say, "I was there. I made this. I turned off my television, I stopped listening to the mass produced shit on the radio, I stopped looking at Simon Cowells fucking smug face and I went out and supported a band that needed support. This music is mine."
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 0:51, 11 replies)
Again, not a band but a singer;
but I can't stand Rick Astley and his cheesy awful "Never Gonna Give You Up".

You may not have heard it, so here it is so you know what to hate.

(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 0:43, 4 replies)
There are several songs I dislike.
This one is quite possibly the worst:


For the incurious, it's Blur's "Yuko and Hiro". I fucking hate it with a passion.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 0:00, 6 replies)
A lot
of obvious candidates here, The Smiths, Beatles, U2, REM, Coldplay, etc.
But I can't decide which group I hate/loathe/moderately dislike or has a complete dickhead as a band member.
Instead I vote for an entire genre of music - Jazz.
A more self-indulgent form of aural masturbation and senseless drivel than I have ever had the misfortune to come across.
"You have to learn to appreciate jazz" it is said. No you fucking don't. You have to listen to a bunch of twats aimlessly noodle their soul-destroying egotistical tuneless shite in a manner that would put a dead paraplegic to shame.
"You'll understand when you get older" Well, I'm in my 40s now, and I'm still fucking waiting.
"Good Jazz" v "Bad Jazz" You mean there's a fucking difference? What is it then?

Jazz mags are a completely different matter.
(, Mon 3 Jan 2011, 23:50, 7 replies)
Bon Jovi
For being so middle of the fucking road they actually deserve to be forcefully submerged in a vat of human effluence.
(, Mon 3 Jan 2011, 22:52, Reply)
The Gouranga Powered Band
Because 'Hare Krishana Mosh Grunge' is just as bad as it sounds. Because one of their tracks was 42 minutes long. Because the only lyrics were 'Gouranga, gouranga gouranga he-eeey' repeated ad infinitum. Because I listened to the whole damn song.
(, Mon 3 Jan 2011, 22:27, Reply)
Worst band I ever saw
John Mayall - I walked out when he started playing guitar with his elbow. A complete waste of 7/6d.
(, Mon 3 Jan 2011, 22:17, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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