The worst sex
to have sex with is male.

(I am male)


as for the length, I don't know he was behing me
(tubeman trousers, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Apocalypse Now
The worst sex I ever had was with a girl with whom I had quite innocently sat down to watch Apocalypse Now. And drink two bottles of gin.

Looking back, I think the gin may have been an influencing factor.

We were in a university common room, at about 3am, trying to have sex. Every so often, Martin Sheen or Marlon Brando would distract me, so it went on for bloody ages.

So long in fact, that she fell asleep.

I woke up the next day, and my wife's best friend was rather red and sore.

Oh, and she was really, really fat. I mean, like Orca fat.
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:15, Reply)

Accidental Choking
Was with a girl a few years back, and midway through sex she accidentally (she claims) put her arm across my neck and leant on me... squashing my windpipe and choking me slightly, i looked up at her, eyes bulging and signalling with my arm, and she let up just as i climaxed...
It was pretty amazing, and we did it to each other a few times over the next few weeks but it was never the same again.
In short this wasn't the worst sex ever i guess, but i wouldn't do it again and it's certainly the thing i look back on and am most freaked out by in my past.
Michael Hutchence i ain't!
( JebediahSpringfield, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:11, Reply)

The only problem is...
what i would label my worst sex wouldn't be while i was having sex, it would be the after effects, the sex itself, very good, afterwards...not so good. I put my back out, was painful to walk for months, had to go to hospital, apparently a bad sprain. The boyfriend found it hilarious and considered his job 'well done' and i got to stay off collage for a long while, yayness.
(icely05 suggests killing the frosties kid, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:11, Reply)

My worst sex
That happened when I sprained my wrist...

Length? Getting shorter every day.
(mediumpete and his frozen cheese collection wrote this, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:53, Reply)

great sex, but bad end result.
I'll try to keep this short. Fnar : )

Me and best mate go to Visit my family in Spain.

Upon arrival at the Villa, we notice two rather tasty ladies. They turn out to be dutch. They have dope. And they are seventeen.

We hang around with them for a bit, larking in the pool, drinking sangria in the sun etc. They both start getting very fruity, and by about day five, they are being quite insistent that we do the nasty with them.

Could have waited till parents were out and used our villa, but instead decide to seize the moment. Me and my lady break into the grounds of one empty, walled villa, and my mate and his do the same.

Great sex. However, I had not really derobed. Just sort of yanked my shorts down, got on with the job.

So finish, leg ups back over walls, and on home.

Parents are having a party. 20 + guests out on the patio as I walk in and start making small talk.

Now, I really should have checked the state of my clothing after.

We'd both got quite excited, and due to the fact we did a knee trembler, my shorts had acted like a drip tray. And spanish heat had made it go all dry and crusty super quick.

There were no possible excuses. I just had to go and change my clothes, and promise my mum not to corrupt any more of her neighbours neices.

Also not necessarily bad sex, but how to ruin good sex. Choose your sex music carefully. Ive had a perfectly good shag ruined by one of Bach's organ fugues coming on the stereo mid shag. We both laughed heartily, but neither one of us came.

Length. Yes this post is probably too long.
( Dr Nick Riviera, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:52, Reply)

Not real sex but it was still bad
It's 1996, I'm unemployed, poor and single. However I do have a state-of-the-art 14.4Kbps modem, and I find my refuge hanging around on IRC ('net chat boards), which was new and exciting back then.

I'd been frequenting this particular general chat room for some weeks, made a few friends that I talked with regularly. One was this sweet-but-not-too-bright American woman, went by the name of Pixie (should've been a warning...). One Friday night I'd been working my way through a collection of beers and we began chatting. She asked for a private chat, which wasn't unusual. She'd often complain privately about her useless husband, I'd make sympathetic noises.

Anyway it turns out she's been drinking too, and after a while the conversation starts to take a rather more flirtatious tone. Pretty soon it's beyond flirty: things are starting to get a bit heated and I've taken myself in hand (and so, she tells me, has she).This is before webcams and even digicams are commonplace, but then she says, "Hey, I have this topless pic that my hubby scanned. Do you want me to send it?". Do I ever!

The seconds tick by as the bits wing their way across the Atlantic at a steady 0.7K/sec. Finally it's here. Double click...

Wait a minute, there seems to be some mistake. You appear to have sent me a still of Jabba The Hut, and not even one with Princess Leia in the bikini. I mean, you'd told me in the past that you were curvaceous, but Holy Mary Mother of God, there's understatement and then there's self-delusion. And you caught every branch when you fell from the ugly tree, didn't you? With your face.

I don't think junior has ever shrivelled so fast. Oddly my modem started having 'connection problems' at just that moment, and I was never able to reconnect to that particular chat room.

Stone me, I still shudder to think of the moment I first set eyes on that pic.

Shallow, moi? Oh, yes.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:48, Reply)

Agony and ecstacy...
Last year in Goa, I survived a scooter crash but knackered my leg, knee and hip (very badly cut and bruised) and spent the next day or two recovering in bed.

I still managed to scuttle me missus though, almost every which way but loose (not as easy as it sounds though when you've got a suspected broken hip).

* I even stitched meyself up too.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:45, Reply)

pulled this bird once

(i know, me pull a woman its strange)

was banging away for about an hour, my old chap was suffering because

a)i'd consumed far to much brown ale and JD

and

b)she was as wet and slippy as a lube factory

My old fella was stiff as anything, but wasnt gonna shoot his muck anytime soon, so i started to slow down. She took this as a sign to climb on top. Who was i to complain?

what she actually did was squat over my old chap and opened wide, and tried to piss over me.

i think it's safe for you to guess that she ended up going home rather shapishly after i told her FUCK NO!
( mostly harmless John Leslie raped me on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:44, Reply)

I shall only say
that when engaged in pleasurable bedroom business, one does not appreciate the lady's finger being inserted into one's anal sphincter.

Especially when one is suffering from an incidence of the black grapes.

That is all.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:44, Reply)

I'm assuming the men of the board
like myself, find fanny farts hilarious, and enough to kill any passion.

Bless my ex though, she fanny farted like a trooper.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:34, Reply)

worst?
never really had a bad session.

I've had my father walk in on me one xmas eve, as i was slipping a lentgth to a rather amazonian blonde i'd just met in a pub.

My mate walk in on me as i was shaving a new birds private parts (it needed it, worse than jermaine jacksons afro).

When i was in the states went skinny dipping at 3amwith this bird and had her against the dock wall, banging away until her ex turned up (she'd dumped him that day), i managed to get my shorts back on and just wandered off and left them to talk.


the funniest however was when i pulled this woman, and was banging away and her husband phoned her.......
she pulled me out, got on her knees and put me back into her so i could bang her doggy while she argued with her hubby
thats about it really
( mostly harmless John Leslie raped me on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:34, Reply)

Man on Rope love
In my younger days, the lady i was with convinced me because her mate sharon said so, it would be fun to stick the end of a fat bit of rope up me bum, then pull it out at the moment of climax.

This she did, and i promptly shat myself.......... good times
( two_hats_shakir is going break dancing after his tea, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:34, Reply)

Tale of woe...
2005, I have an emergency appendicitis. Bloody agony for 6 weeks afterwards due to a twunt of a doctor cutting badly and basically giving me a caesarian. The Mrs and I still horny all the was through, but left it until I was "fully recovered". Friday night, 4 pints and 4 double Archers later, we are through the preliminaries and onto the main event. Swing into doggy style and in we go...

Wham. Bang. Rip.

I re-opened the wound, blood and weird clear liquid comes out. I last 2 more thrusts, then both wood and the mood disappears faster than an ice cube in the sahara.

Spent the next 13 hours in Queens Med, getting re-sewn and told no sex for another 2 months.
(gjb006, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:32, Reply)

Things Not To Say to My Mate During Sex
1. Never have sex with my mate Tom.
2. Never have sex with my mate Tom in the shower.

And should you find yourself in this position (like his ex Sarah)

3. Never say "You wouldn't dare piss on me."

I assume Tom loved it.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:31, Reply)

I've another actually...
my then girlfriend decided to instigate some dirty talk but wanted suggestions. However, with her you couldn't say anything that wasn't an answer... even if you actually need to be in the mood to think of something particularly sexy (she got angry for no reason). So anyways, being young I groped around for the first thing I could think of and being young this was Japanese in schoolgirl uniforms.

Surprisingly swapping dirty chatter about this sort of thing was getting me turned on. Noticing this, said girl jumps up, acuses me of being a pedophille and rants and raves.

Still don't quite know why she did this.
(Junathan testing..., Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:30, Reply)

chronology...
...of my sex life which can be broken down as such:

early-crap crap crap first time to the extent that she said "it didn't count" sometime afterwards

uni-bits and bobs here and there including a 7 month stint with one girl who had a boyfriend elsewhere (it was all shit)

recent-amazing 2 month period that left me broken, emotionally that is, when it ended. I'll always have the memories. Lucky me.

So, in one way or another, it's all been the worst sex I ever had .
(myfamousgrandad, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:25, Reply)

wjh31
just reminded me. I was once in a temple complex very very drunk, getting head off of some girl. I then gave her one from behind. As I was banging away, I noticed I was actually on the chocolate esculater. Nice I thought to myself. The I noticed the 'lady's' hand in 'her' crotch area going ten to the dozen. It was at this point I realised said girl was in fact a man.

I didn't really know what to do, but settled for the started so I'll finish option, spluffed my load, buttoned up, and ran away.

I felt very very dirty. Even more so as when I was scrubbing myself in the shower at home, I noticed the lump of shit on the end of my cock.

About a week later said ladyboy came up to me in a bar looking for a repeat performance. I pretended I didn't know him.

He wasn't even fit ffs. Just obviously an ugly man with small tits in a floral print dress.

Why God, WHY? Of all the geezerbirds in the land of smiles, some of which are uberfit, did I end up bumming that one?

I would have buried this story, never to be recounted, but it amuses me it was up against the wall of a temple.

I think I'm coming back as a slug.

Lucky it wasn't a church, or it would be hull for eternity.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:20, Reply)

Banjo
Ginger girl, banjo string, blood, limp member, more blood.

Finished the job though.
(sponger, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:17, Reply)

JESUS
this QOTW was just made for RACHELSWIPE



I've never had bad sex myself, although, my partners have had some fucking terrible shags to be fair ;-)
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:14, Reply)

Bloody Hell
Why do I seem to pick partners who want to do it whilst on the blob? Ok, it's not awful, but will someone think of the sheets?

Also had to stop half way through a romp once so I could go and have a dump. It was alright for me, but probably not a good one for her.

Length? Nearly shat myself right off the seat.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:06, Reply)

I hadn't been in bed with a lady for two years
well I had once but I got a punch in the face for my toruble, but that's another story

well on this occasion I had finally bagged me a lady (not li and a rather nice one as well. We had been at it for some time (at least a minute and a half) and she's clearly enjoying it, writhing about on top of me, making all the right noises, she shudders, moans and comes just moments before I let loose the orgasm that's been years in the making.
Suddenly she grimaces andthen gasps and folds in two like she's just been kicked in the stomach. She levers herself off me and almost falls on the floor, stubles out to the bathroom where she vomits copiously, she then makes here way back to bed where she sobs herself to sleep

o_0

that relationship didn't last long
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:02, Reply)

Sportsmans Double
Went out last week, much giggle juice. Pulled this older woman in this dodgy club (yeah I know,but she was in great shape for 48! im 33) Drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double: a mother and daughter three some!! I said no (bit freaked out I had to say but I was downing the beer by this stage.
We drank a bit more,then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her house, papping myself but intrigued! She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs. Mum..you awake?'

I thankyou...
(Nicksterrr, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:57, Reply)

when you're doing anal, and it comes out brown
nuff said
( wjh31, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:57, Reply)

A note to those of you who think that it's all good:
You'll have good sex some day, then you'll know the difference.

This recently happened for my best friend: a man who is fourty years old. I used to joke about this, half seriously, but it finally happened.
It will happen for you some day, I hope.
(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Let's just say...
...that when you're down there doing your best to please a lady and you suddenly hear snoring, well, it does ruin the moment somewhat.

"You just got me so relaxed!"

Bollocks!

And she very rarely returned the favour, which was a good thing looking back 'cos she was a bit careless with her teeth.
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:56, Reply)