Not me but a mate
My mate Ben was at his older sisters party when he pulled one of her mates. They decided to take a walk into the park behind.

They get a bit amorous and end up going for it next to a canal.

Job done my mate rolls off this bird and she stands up. Being the cunt that my mate is he decides to do one of the worst post coitus acts I've ever heard of.

As she's pulling up her knickers he kicks her straight in the arse and laughs as she falls head first down a dirt bank and into the canal.

Classy guy.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 6:19, Reply)

Christ.
Not sex, but beforehand, me and the missus at the time were lying on the couch, stoned off of our tits, and she goes down on me, couple minutes later I felt metal digging into my knob, and blood...quite a fair bit of blood.

She had braces, proper train-track style ones.

I'll let you work out what happened.

You shouldn't fucking bleed from there.
(alexnessie \o/., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 6:16, Reply)

Young, lonely and ridiculous
I still psychically cringe from this memory.

I came out of a 4 year relationship having been cheated on and immediately went on the lookout for rebound sex, there weren't many options to be fair. By chance I struck up a conversation online with a woman who worked remotely for the company I worked for and we got talking for hours, thus begins the online relationship cliché. One thing leads to another and she arranges to get on a train and come down for a day to "see the sights".
I was 18, lonely and looking for easy sex. She was a 27 year old married mother of one looking for a divorce. What could go wrong?!

I arrive at the train station and she is too frightened to come over to my car. 10 minutes later and an awkward hello and we're on our way to the hotel. We arrive and settle down on the bed and begin but things rapidly start to disintegrate:

1. During making out, she suddenly gets up to go to the bathroom, being a smoker she is extremely self-conscious of her breath, she's going to brush her tongue.
.....Ok. I can deal with that.
2. She settles back down yet any attempt to fondle her bits is followed by a firm forceful push away. WHAT THE HELL? She insists we carry on, she's just not used to intimacy and is too ingrained from pushing her husbands hands away.
3. Her kissing is awful, I'm beginning to lose interest, no tongue and no passion. Time to get these clothes off.
At this point it just becomes a battle, she clearly has huge issues with intimacy from her failing marriage and I'm as flaccid as a popped balloon. I still want to screw so I push on.

I end up naked, she has most of her clothes on. Clearly an eating disorder and gravity has taken it's toll, she hid it well until now.
She's still hitting my hands away every other minute but I eventually get her stripped down and begin pleasures of an oral nature, hell she evens start to get into it, moaning, moving, the works - that is until she's about to cum! I can only describe it as a punch to the face. I'm beginning to lose patience. I'm no longer turned on.
We revert back to making out and I finally get to feel her boobs and I'm disgusted. This is awful, they feel like plastic bags filled with 3 parts water, 1 part sand. I'm ready to leave.
I'm pretty much flaccid, I'm feeling annoyed but I'm still kinda horny so let her go to work but to no avail. No amount of hand or mouth action gets me started. We even try some sex. No, that didn't work, it felt like I was thrusting into an open space, either she was too loose or me too flaccid. That's it, I'm mentally scarred.

We give up, I had to entertain her for an entire day after that and it was the most uncomfortable experience of my life.
We didn't re-attempt anything of a sexual nature. The way those boobs felt was so wrong, the way she pushed my hands way made me feel like a rapist.
How screwed up is that?
( TN, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 6:06, Reply)

Incest...
Does a story thats not me count ? Anyway here goes...

My best mate and I went out on the beers. He's a man whore, cant resist any woman no matter how miggin (or fit) she happens to be. He says "Fat birds are more gratefull"... gettin the picture ?

After a couple of beers he starts gettin the eye from a girl on the table next to us and sure enough within 5 mins he's working his charms. Within 20 mins he's off back to her place for "coffee" & I head to the next pub to meet some more mates...

Within an hour he's on the phone tellin me he's on his way back to meet me & he has something gross to share with me. 5 mins later he's back at the bar and telling tales. Aparently he got to her place, clothes off and straight at it. She keeps calling him Jason (not his name) and telling him what she wants him to do, he's game cause he's gettin some & figures this is what she gets off on.

When they are done she tells him "As soon as I saw you I wanted to fuck you cause you reminded me of my brother (Jason)"

Yuk.
(uk_down-under, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 4:18, Reply)

S'mad
I woke up after shagging this bird only to find her astride me, now fully clothed, with a kitchen knife in her hands. I don't remember the sex being *that* bad though. I actually thought it was a dream till I looked under my bed a couple of days later and found the knife.

Length? It's an offer.
(prescottsflu infected you at, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 3:28, Reply)

It happens to all of us..
..but having to stop having sex because you have cramp, then trying to get rid of it by hopping round the room, stumbling on clothes you have discarded and looking altogether un-sexy isn't fun.
( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 2:59, Reply)

everytime is the worst sex
because I suffer from retarded ejaculation. My tommy tanks are always great though!

Click I Like This if you think I'm really not lying and i do suffer from RE...
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 2:14, Reply)

So many stories, don't want to bore you all
I'll start with this,

In answer to the question "Where's the worst place you've woken up after drinking?"

Radstock!

Out with me mate one night, in a shithole of a bar in town (Chicago Rock in Bristol if anyone cares), mate starts chatting with these 2 complete heffers, I start chatting as well, 1 girl says to me "Hey, you're ****'s brother, she and I were in the same year at school". More drinking ensued, at the end of the night, mate decides he wants to go back to theirs for some more "drinking". I tow along, sure enough by the time we're back at there's the inevitable happens and I end up shagging my sisters school friend. She's fat, ugly and I'm drunk and rather shit. The next morning, I woke up with a huge hungover and the dawning realisation of what happened.

They then had to give us a lift back home, the worst 45 minute drive of my whole entire life!
(Laxly, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 0:57, Reply)

Only last week
I was indulging in some filthy onanism, and I fell asleep because I was so useless.

It wasn't very big, either.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 0:10, Reply)

"Anal Fuckage"
Yes indeed, the worst sex I ever had was up the arse. With no lube. Because my ex-boyfriend is a gay in denial.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 23:55, Reply)

strange one
Crazy girl was the bernie. Before trying to ram a dildo up my mates arse, i went out with her! Now, bar the kinky rammings,(which i was thanfuly never subjected to.) the sex was pretty damn good. She didnt have the prettiest face, but some body. One night however, she hhit out with the most fucked up thing i've heard a woman utter. I was banging the back door, and she asked if i could piss up her arse!!! apparently she quite liked it.

Other than that, a hopeless ex who could do foreplay worth a fuck, and cheated on me. I got a handjob and came in her eye. I then dumped her for cheating.
(Krissgti is chasing the greasy homeless of glasgow, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 23:25, Reply)

Last weekend as it happened.
I now have a slit in my foreskin and it hurts like a bitch every time I touch it.
Drunk sex for the loose.

Oh, and to the guy who lost his to metalica playing and stoped for the solo, my first time was during the matrix and I stoped during that for the gun lobby sceene.
(engekomkommer, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 22:13, Reply)

OUCH
In my time I have lived with an escort more than half my age (utterly beautiful and it broke my heart when it ended but the sex in truth was never good - she simply saw it as a chore), had a 3 second blow-job from a well known regional politician that consisted of a very short lick (the religious nutjob thought it was dirty) and played bdsm games with some strange people (lots of other QOTW stuff there to tell sometime). I even took someones viginity and that wasnt good - why folk fantacise about that I don't know, never mind think about blowing the world up for 40 of them for eternity - virgins know jackshit about how sex can be fun and rewarding - they are usually scared and it's a bit bloody too. Nope not worth the candle they've been practicising on.

But the worst sex ever was my first encounter of my own and yes I was jackshit useless too. Outside on a hill half naked with a girl from the Orkneys - Linda I think her name was - and it was over in about 4 minutes and hardly remarkable apart from one slight downside. I rolled off and over and didn't even have time to ask "how was it for you dear" or to think about a fag before the pain hit. I was completly covered in nettle stings, having rolled into a patch I'd not noticed due to my ardour and my excitement of busting my cherry at last.

That has meant two things for the rest of my life. Firstly I always stress about sex with someone new - I was a virgin after all - I still worry that is what always happens.

And secondly I always now keep protection with me.

I carry a docken leaf in my wallet at all times.

*********

Length? All up my back and down a bit of my leg. My sagging member was thankfully spared however due to post-coital shrinkage.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 21:48, Reply)

of course
Can't forget the 18 year old office girl I pulled many moons ago (when such a thing wouldn't have been ridiculous to me). She was petite and blond with a thing for fuck me boots and mini-skirts. Fantastic.
We'd 'done it' a couple of times, but only after drinking sessions on nights out. They were all quickies down alleys, in pub toilets etc.
So it was about a month before we actually got to be naked in the same room together.
We'd both been up for it since we'd met and I couldn't wait to see that great body without all the clothes.
Sadly, when she undressed she looked like a small blonde boy and had fanny hair like ramses beard.
I felt like a pedalist.
Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, I tried to remind myself that she was not a small boy and it took some help from her before I could convince 'Mr Winkie' that it was ok to come out and play.
But I couldn't get over the fanny hair. It was neatly trimmed at the sides, but apart from that it was like a strip of jungle that spread at least two inches down from her fanny.

Had to put an end to it after that. Not cos of the fanny hair, but have you ever actually listened to an 18 year olds pillow talk?
Never again.
(EvilMeister, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 21:44, Reply)

Princess Diana..
Back of the ambulance going to the Hospital de la Pitie Salpetriere.


stiff old cow !!
( Signify, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 21:37, Reply)

Mmmm....
Anal sex (and I say this as a lady) is fantastic.

However. Pissing on eachother for any sort of sexual gratification is a pointless exercise. Don't do it. Trust me. It smells BAD.
(cupid stunt, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 21:29, Reply)

Not me
Lets just get that clear.

My big brother told me of one GF who must have been very inexperienced (or a sadist)
On giving him a blowjob, she thought it would be nice if she 'playfully' bit one of his testicles.
Needless to say, he's screams nearly cracked the foundations of the house.
(EvilMeister, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 21:26, Reply)

He really was a lovely guy
For three months last year I was going out with a lovely Chinese guy. He was quirky and funny in a broken english sweet way.

For the longest time i would tell myself that the sex, with the tiniest penis I have ever seen was just "different" but in reality it was actually just Bad.

Irony alert - the gentleman in question - his name was Long
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 21:00, Reply)

would you care for vinegar on that
One very drunken night out in our local teeny pulling palace, I managed to cop off with a plain but clearly gagging for it bird. Not only did she own her own home which was a very attractive proposition to a 19 year old, her dad was landlord at a great pub in a village near to where I lived. Bonus! On getting back to hers we quickly got down to business. Clothes off in a whirlwind and I got a my head pushed down into a flabby mop that reeked of a well vinegared kipper. too drunk to do anything but panic, i choked back my gag reflex and actually tongued this for a couple of minutes before having to come up to save my sense of smell. For some reaon I then agreed to have her put a rubber on me then hump me for all she was worth. I didn't come and didn't lie about it either. I woke up early and left. I haven't told anyone about her in nealy 15 years! I felt used.
(kaptinkurtz, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 20:40, Reply)

Apart from with myself...
The worst sex I (almost) ever had was with a rather nervous girl who, as I found out the hard way, suffered from a condition called 'Vaginitis'. Or 'fridgedness' as I prefer to call it.

So, after several weeks and god knows how many hundred pounds worth of dating, we eventually make it into bed together.

The foreplay went great, if it had got any more slippery down there we would have had Torvil and Dean recreating their Olympic winning ice dance to Bolero on my crusty bed sheets right before our very eyes.

So, tactfully as ever, I slide gently on top of her and started desperately trying to pop Percy in the pothole.

But to no avail! Her little hairy honey pot had clamped itself so tightly together that you would have needed a couple of burly firemen with an engine full of car-cutting equipment to prise the bloody thing open!

Needless to say, she was rather embarrassed and I was very understanding. At least, until she fell asleep at which point I went to the loo to knock one out in order to relieve the tension.

Only to return to my bedroom to find my Dad on the landing, staring rather pot-faced at my still erect member.

Sorry for the length. Something that, at least, she can never say!
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 20:21, Reply)

This was actually some of the best sex ever, for a while.
Basically, being 15, I had to leave iTunes on to cover the noise when my (older) girlfriend came round. We were just getting into things when Master of Puppets, by Metallica, came on. Awesome! I thought, being a big metalhead at the time.

However, if you listen to that song you'll notice the fucking aceness of the second guitar solo. So did I, and I stopped thrusting to air-guitar for the full 30-35 seconds of it.

To her credit, she waited patiently for the solo to finish, and we continued without a hitch. But looking back...well, what the fuck was I thinking of?
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 20:01, Reply)

oh and
there are these...

www.b3ta.com/questions/blacksheep/post21502/

www.b3ta.com/questions/intensefriendships/post59038/
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:44, Reply)

They Never Look Like They Sound
In College I volunteered for a Crisis Phoneline overnight. People having issues would call to talk, totally anonymous. 95% of the calls we received were nutters crank calling (Many wanking to the sound of a woman’s voice) or nutters who were lonely. One of the callers I started getting on a regular basis was a female with a beautiful voice. She was a bit negative but we would talk for a while and she would come around and hang up happier than she started. However I noticed her calls started going towards sexual talk and in the end she was one of the ones calling to wank off on the phone. Well being a teenage guy, I said what the hell and when I was working alone we would have fantastic phone sex.

Unbeknownst to me, my best friend who also worked the night shift there, was taking calls from this lady as well.

Over time she progressed things and in the end, she came into town (She lived an hour away from the College I was attending) and got a hotel room. Well she called me and invited me over. I was supposed to meet her in the morning and we would make all those wonderful fantasies come true. I almost couldn’t sleep that night and woke up the next morning dressed and shaved and smelling great because I was getting sex with only the second woman I had been with. I damn near ran to that motel and knocked on the door and it was answered by the evil twin of the woman on the phone! She was short and fat, she was scary in more ways than I can describe. Now I like a woman of size but when this woman was naked, everything hung. My dreams of large firm breasts were met by fried eggs.

Being a gentleman, and horned to the 9's, I didn’t know what to do - How do you say at 19, "I'm sorry - your too scary to have sex with and I'm afraid for my life?" without sounding rude?

I stepped into the hotel room and we talked and in the end she wanted the promised sex. I tried and I tried and I finally got the flag to rise to the situation and we had the fastest sex I think I ever had, and I managed to pop by not looking at her and thinking of other things! Continuing to be a gentleman I explained that "Wow this was overwhelming for me" and "I was so turned on by you that I couldn’t hold back"

I got dressed as quickly as I could and got the hell out of there. I immediately called my best friend to recount the story. Turns out that he was why I had to meet her in the morning. She had screwed him the night before, and rather than being a gentleman, I told her he had to get a coke from the vending machine, and never came back.

I spent 5 years working on Radio after that, the first peice of advice I was given, and I have passed it on many times since, is when that hot sounding chick calls in the middle of the night and wants to get together when your shift is over - just say no! They never look like they sound!
(AddisonTXGuy, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:43, Reply)

is that it ????
As a teenager i was never really bothered about sex and spent that era of my life much more wanting to be Joe Strummer,lets put it this way i was tattoed first ok ?-so when i did finally lose it there was precious little afterglow and my first thought when i had blown my load was "is that it ?".
First time isnt meant to be amazing so some folk say and tbh i had enjoyed better times buffing up the happy lamp.
(shug, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:41, Reply)

loose....
well, it wasnt the worst for me, i actually quite enjoyed it.....

anyway, myself and the gf are always up for a bit of experimentation, something new etc and have a varied and interesting sex life. So, one day she shoves her vib up my arse whilst im getting a blowy and i have to agree with her that its quite nice. Next day she admits that its one of her fantasies to fuck me with a strap on. No probs says i, so after a bit of shopping on sextoys.co.uk a few days later "paulas power tool" arrives. That night she ploughed me up the arse with this as shes tossing me off, then she bangs me doggy style for a bit and shes coming and shouting a plenty and wants me to do her up the arse. I gets behind her and am banging away, my rings that kind of numb tingly nice feeling and im really getting into it and tell her im gonna cum...

and as i do, my arse is that slack that i shoot and my arse contracts several times and i shit all over the bed, her etc....

As i said, i enjoyed it, however the sound of her cumming and gagging at the same time is one that i will never forget...
.
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:37, Reply)

the time I just cured out a Mononucleosis infectiosa
during the act i collapsed unconscious ... this wasnt fun ...
(FoxA / DannyWeinkauf, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:27, Reply)

if i was having sex...
I wouldn't be on b3ta now would i!?!?
( Gooddeed89, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 18:44, Reply)

TV
Whilst rutting Ex-Mrs. Kite, I decided to watch the TV - teh news was on, showing footage from Gulf War I and there were tanks and shit everywhere - 'twas great, Ex-Mrs. Kite disgreed.

/shrugs
(kitescreech still here, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 18:36, Reply)

I was 16...
and me and the then girlfriend had decided to indulge in a bit of mid afternoon teenage fun (it was almost as good as Mario-Kart).
Anyway, picture the scene. We're both starkers, set up in a 69 position with myself on top, throbbing member pointing arrow like torwards her open mouth. She's on her back, legs spread and i'm about to dive in like Pac Man on speed, when....
The front door opens, and in walks her Dad. He'd taken the afternoon off work to come home and watch Man Utd v Lazio in the European Super Cup. The best I could muster was a quick, "Shit, sorry", before grabbing my clothes and legging it to the bathroom. I got dressed and it took me about 3 months before I set foot in the house again.
Worst sex ever? I never even got it that day.



Length - it quickly diminished.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 17:53, Reply)