the new mint card..
i know there's no real reason not to get one, but it's just the shape. Reminds me of an ex boyfriend i'd rather forget. What should i do???
(Genghis_kahn, Wed 19 May 2004, 18:48, Reply)

Oh, and to 'station'
Damn right! you should all listen to this man (or shemale)! He (or it) is correct, go with your soooouuuul man, not your winky!

Thankyou, that is all.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 19 May 2004, 18:35, Reply)

Piss or not
Do I

A)Get up, get dressed, go downstairs past my brother and his girlfriend snogging to go to the loo...

Or

B)Piss in a pint glass, carefully lowering the willy into the urine as it fills to negate the splash back effect. and then chuck it out the window?


I picked B, but what would YOU do?
(wattoo, Wed 19 May 2004, 18:34, Reply)

i have one!
this is my last week of school...


should i go out very boringly and not do anything at all, or should i go out by burning things, throwing confetti down the stairwell etc etc?


(ps. i've done both those examples already (damn that was funny :P) )
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 19 May 2004, 18:31, Reply)

Hmmm - I wonder
Cake or death?
(The Mysterious ., Wed 19 May 2004, 18:03, Reply)

universities
bristol (UWE)
or bournemouth

i will be doing illustration and i have to decide in a week and a half
both of them have the same number of pros and cons....eeny meenie miny mo has gotten out of hand :|
(minister of evil, Wed 19 May 2004, 18:03, Reply)

My ex boss is a twunt
he claims I will receive all money due to me on monday.
However, the bug I planted on the network is due to activate on saturday.
Do I deactivate it, considering it will be difficult to reactivate or do I just say "fuck the money" and laugh a lot
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 19 May 2004, 17:39, Reply)

YES OR NO:
You could spend the night with the woman of your dreams. Maybe it’s Cameron Diaz or Elle McPherson or someone you know that isn’t famous. Maybe it’s your aunt. It’s up to you. It doesn’t really matter too much who it is, as long as she is The One for you.

Here’s the deal: You get to take her out for the evening to a top notch restaurant. You get as much money as you need to spend. You get to wear a designer suit. You both really enjoy the meal, with some fine wine and you get along famously. You are surprised at how relaxed she is in you company and how you find yourself easily recounting stories, sprinkled with witty remarks. Her conversation compliments yours and she has a happy and intrigued look in her eye.

After the meal you can either head out for a late drink in a bar, and maybe even head for a club after that, or you can take her back to the 5 star penthouse suit (with jacuzzi and free mini bar) that you get as part of this deal. You get chauffeured about in a big black limo. How late you stay out is up to you, but you’ll have a wonderful date, leaving you with a warm feeling, plenty of energy, excitement and anticipation.

Back in the penthouse, you get it on. You can use the jacuzzi together, roll on the rug in front of the fire and/or take full advantage of the massive four poster bed. You get to make deep satisfying love all night long. She is completely satisfied with your magnificent performance and there is nothing that she won’t do. In the early hours of the morning, at the end of the perfect date, you fall soundly asleep in each others arms. When you wake up, she is gone, you have to check out straight away and all that remains is the memory.

And the catch.

Before you leave for the meal, she comes to the penthouse and has a dump. The turd is carefully balanced on a lolly stick and placed into the freezer section of the mini bar. Then you get to leave on your date. No-one in public notices the two of you together. You just blend in like any other couple. You don’t get your picture in the paper, you don’t get any fame for being her new beau. You can never tell anyone about the date. Not even your mum. Not even your best friend. No-one. Ever. But, you do get to have the perfect date and a night of fantastic sex with the woman of your dreams. Now, remember the turd on a stick that’s in the minibar? Well, when you wake up in the morning, you have to eat it. All of it. Probably best to get it down quick, before it starts to defrost.

Do you accept? YES OR NO?

Also, as part of a separate dilemma, like the great Steve Davis often has to face, is it better to go for the tight brown, or the easy pink?
(Grey Triggerfish, Wed 19 May 2004, 17:31, Reply)

Change them..
or turn them inside out and wear them again...
( Weetobix, Wed 19 May 2004, 17:01, Reply)

Not mine
Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?
(albator, Wed 19 May 2004, 16:51, Reply)

British 419 Scam
Nigeria's works minister has given out his Fax and mobile phone number and urged people to use it if they see any pot-holes or have a traffic accident.
Read the story here: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/3725283.stm

Now, my dilema is, should I fax him with a reverse Nigerian 419 scam:

"Forgive me for Faxing you out of the blue, but I am a poor civil servant called "Gordon Brown" , a top official in the Bank of England, who has come into a few Billion pounds by way of a legitimate tax avoidance scheme. All I ask of you is to hold this money in your account for one month and transfer it back to my personal account. I am willing to pay you a holding fee of 10% for your services. I hope you will appreciate that this is most secret, and you will keep this email confidential. I assure you that this is 100% risk free, and you will be helping a poor government worker.
Yours,
Gordon Brown,
Tel: 0141 572 6900 Fax: 0141 572 2566"

I`m sorely tempted.
(crackshot, Wed 19 May 2004, 16:46, Reply)

Extras
Dear Tania

I really fancy the (professional) masseuse I visit on a regular basis and she seems to like me. Every time I go I want to offer to give her a massage in return but I’m worried she might think I’m a creep and I don’t want to spoil our ‘professional relationship’ (she gives great massages). I've been visiting her for 5 years now and I feel so frustrated, what should I do?
(born sleepy, Wed 19 May 2004, 16:37, Reply)

Daddy Or Chips Revisited..
Which is better
(ibloodyhatework, Wed 19 May 2004, 16:23, Reply)

Muhahahahah
Ice Lolly or Lolly Ice?
(Chutney_Pie, Wed 19 May 2004, 16:02, Reply)

shit gags
but it tastes so good.

what should i do?
( GTA, Wed 19 May 2004, 15:57, Reply)

speaking of the internet
My unhappily married friend met someone on the internet, fell in love, met the guy, did the dirty with him and a couple others and is now back to normal. She doesn't regret it, thinks it was good to get it out of her system and asks me:

"Should I tell my hub who is uberreligious and hates lies and 'always/only wants the truth' knowing it would kill him?"

OR

"Should I just shut up, keep it a secret, never do it again and sweep it under the rug knowing he hates lies and will blow his top if he finds out?"

Halp!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 19 May 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Unfortunately
This QOTW is proving to be gold-dust for radical feminists.

They can read most of these and say "Look, I told you men are fuckwits! They all think with their dicks!" And unfortunately it seems to be true.

I had a quandry that would have been useful to have advice on at the time. The situation was thus:
Living with g/f.
Having on-line "relationship" with random person. Ended up meeting said person, and "doing things" with them. Filled myself with untold revulsion, and declared never to allow it to happen again. However, the g/f found out, and all the shite hit the fan. 20 months later, we're still together, but its still a very sore point.

Moral of the story? Never, i repeat, never, listen to your dick.
( Station, Wed 19 May 2004, 15:39, Reply)

The Daddy or Chips thing
is the new 'ice cream van has run out'.
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Wed 19 May 2004, 15:38, Reply)

Jeez
So much for not posting shit gags...
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 19 May 2004, 15:35, Reply)

Tricky
Knock one out

or

Knock one in?

(the ladyboy dilemma)
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 19 May 2004, 15:26, Reply)

Daddy
or Chips?
(negative armadillo There never was much hope..just a fool's hope., Wed 19 May 2004, 15:14, Reply)

I'm 18 and am going clubbing next Saturday (29th)
but I ain't got any id!
What's the quickest valid id I can get (ps. Do Young Person's Railcards show DOBs?)
(Wonchop Where are your goggles, boy?, Wed 19 May 2004, 15:07, Reply)

I like horses, best of all the animals.
But I also like custard, best of all the warm yellow stuff for putting on puddings.

What should I do?
( Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Wed 19 May 2004, 14:58, Reply)

I hired a girl fom an "Escort Service"...
..and we got drunk, and one thing led to another, and you know the rest. My dilemma is what to do with the body? I've already eaten her hands, face, and teeth so it can't be identified? Shall I dump it on the roadside? Stick it in a tree tripper? Bury it in the basement with the others? Thank you.
(Porkfist, Wed 19 May 2004, 14:58, Reply)

Mid-Life CRISIS
Hi,

I've been married for 17 years (since we were 24). Our daughter is doing A Levels and my wife has started her own business.

I'm stuck in a boring 'safe' job with a multi-national financial services company to fund both of the above.

My dilemma is: Do I leave them both, buy a big bike and tour Europe looking for old girlfriends from France and Germany from the early 1980s, or new adventures and lots of sex, or do I carry on here at home, providing a safe environment for my daughter, security for my wife and a pension for my old age?

p.s. One drawback with abondoning my life is that my wife will be able to say "I told you so, I always knew you'd run off with some young woman when I got to 40".

Any ideas....
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 19 May 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Steal her back and ruin her life?
I recently lost my garenteed shag in the form of a 30yr old women(fit) with a kid. I'm 23 and a student. We've been at it on and off for nearly a year and the sex is great. However due to circumstances it's always been a secret to others who might have been annoyed that we got together. Namely my karate instructor her ex. We both agreed we weren't exclusive but it never came up.
Anyway lately she met a new fella who seems alright and they're the same age and seem a good couple. I was a bit pissed off he'd stolen my weekly shag but thought this my be a chance for her to settle down and have a proper home for her kid.
So do i steal her back (which i'm half way to doing) and deny her of lasting happiness or do i leave it be and let her have a stable relationship?

Classic case of good and evil conscience.
( cooler_king That's no moon!, Wed 19 May 2004, 14:05, Reply)

I was wondering what to do
to a certain arsehole who split my nose a few months back, and who i still haven't exacted my revenge upon. Should I gather a group of close, muscular friends, and wait for him outside a club with lots of baseball bats and big sticks and things, and crush his head into a bloody pulp... or should I wait until I'm older, and have a well-paid job and friends in high places, and can stop him from ever getting a decent job in this country? Or should I kidnap his family? Or should I just turn the other cheek?
( Detrius521, Wed 19 May 2004, 14:00, Reply)

Dear Auntie Tania
This isn't for me. It's for a friend. That's right. A friend.

As a sufferer of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I am often caught short in the middle of nowhere with an urgent need to squirt rich, brown soup from where the sun doesn't shine. This happens, more often than not, on the long march between work and the railway station where the only place available to a man with a funny walk and a desperate look on his face is The Prince of Wales - a public house noted for its rough clientele and frequent bouts of open warfare with the local community.

Can you advise me of the correct course of action and the proper etiquette on using a pub solely for the toilet facilities, especially when I am painting most of the cubicle what can only be described as Dulux Faded Tan and Peanuts, emerging to face a crowd that possesses a single eyebrow between them?

Or should I just crap through the letterbox of the local Conservative Club to see if I can hit the framed portrait of Maggie Thatcher on the wall opposite?

This dilemma is just making the situation worse and I, I mean my friend, is fast running out of underwear. Please help.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 19 May 2004, 13:52, Reply)

Purple
Paint or Sarin Gas...?
(wagz, Wed 19 May 2004, 13:43, Reply)