Secret Bloody Valentines
I appear to have been coerced into taking part in a Secret Valentine's thingumy but am drawing a complete blank at what to write in the card. I think something extremely awkward/rude/stalkerish is called for but my 172 word attempt turned out to be far too long (and none too good). Any thoughts?
(danshome, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:21, archived)

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:22, archived)

www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index.php?module=see&lang=uk&code=279654cca0a5b6825b716aa50630ce4f
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:26, archived)

that's beautifully pointless.
If I don't see you tonight, I'm going to kill myself.
( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

I shall SEE you
deliciously
( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

How does that work?
Today is Charles Darwin's 199th birthday, by the way.
( Newington, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:22, archived)

he looks good for his age.
lovely!
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:23, archived)

He had those scary eyes!

( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

he has evolved

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:23, archived)

+n

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:25, archived)

hen has evolved?

( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:26, archived)

Hans has evolved?

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:26, archived)

Gretel?

( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

*bites*

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

*looks forward to tonight*
*wets self in anticipation*
*comes by the gallon*
( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

*milks crowd*

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

*drinks their elixir*

( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:30, archived)

*chokes*

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:31, archived)

arty.

( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:32, archived)

get a haircut, hippy

(Dangermouse., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:33, archived)

LAR LAR LAR
JEALOUS
( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:35, archived)

*ENVOLVES*

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:26, archived)

Darwin has envolved?
Lamarckian triumph!
( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

is it to someone you actually like?
Or like a weird Secret Santa?
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:22, archived)

except you get to fuck the person you pull out of the hat.
My old school did something similar. I'm starting to think it was rigged. I got the PE teacher every time.

He wasn't very nice :(
( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

He speaks very highly of you

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

nice
tight
( TY&GN, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

that made me giggle more than it should've.
Mornin'!
( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:30, archived)

Alright?
Looking forward to tonight?
( TY&GN, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:31, archived)

yes, I am!
Are you coming?
( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:33, archived)

Nope, I am too far away and have plans with a girl from offline
Unfortunately :(
( TY&GN, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:35, archived)

haha
poor Hexy *pats*
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:30, archived)

No
With a bit of astounding luck, I managed to draw one of my male friends. No reason not to go all out though! Anyway my girlfriend would probably be slightly pissed if it were someone i actually did fancy...
(danshome, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:30, archived)

that sounds like a shit plan.
Valentine's Day is just an advertising scam now anyway, why perpetuate it?
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:31, archived)

Because
otherwise you end up without any sex for several weeks. The fact that your other half knows it a scam apparently doesn't stop them being pissed at you for not doing anything for it...
(danshome, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:51, archived)

print out a picture of tubgirl
and glue it in

with your semen
( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:22, archived)

thoughts? loads!
but they mostly include you NOT TAKING PART IN A SPACKY VALENTINES BOLLOCK!
(likeajackhammer, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:23, archived)

Good advice
that I'm already regretting not taking.
(danshome, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:31, archived)

Roses are red
Violets aren't blue,
Mnneurgh mnneurgh mnneurgh mnneurgh
Cock cock cock cock
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:23, archived)

Haha!
Fantastic.
( Theoban What of it, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
My name is Bob Todd
And I like to talk about poo
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:25, archived)

Pfft.

( Bob Todd whee, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

Roses are Red, Violets are blue
I want to fuck you with a rake.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

I AM SENDING CARDS WITH THIS IN TO EVERYBODY

( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:30, archived)

good idea
don't forget to follow it through

you'd be amazed how many women like a good raking
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:35, archived)

Secret love is the whole point of Valentines day.
But I'd still whinge if FF didn't get me a card because I never got Valentines cards ever.

/emo
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:23, archived)

a card?
that's the one thing I refuse to get my wench for Valentines
(likeajackhammer, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

I tend to make one
and I'd rather he did too but he doesn't get time to so.

Made cards are nicer
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:25, archived)

yes... if a card is called for then a home made one is best :)

(likeajackhammer, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

and now that I'm a jobless
I can spend more time making it

HOORAY
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:30, archived)

Your knickers smell GORGEOUS!

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

*parades*

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:25, archived)

*Waves chequered flag*

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:26, archived)

*WIMS*

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

I have a load of b3ta poems saved from last year
Like this one...roses are red
flowers are flimsy
take off your knickers
and show us your mimsy
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

Or this one
ROSES ARE KIND
BUT VIOLETS ARE BITTER
DON'T WARN YOUR MUM
TONIGHT IT'S THE SHITTER
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

By "thingumy" you mean "massacre" don't you?
In which case I'd suggest "Take this, youse finks! RATATATATATATA!"
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

Leicester is red
Stilton is blue
Gloucester is double
Let's make fondue!
( Newington, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

:D

( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:25, archived)

Try this
Red wine ain't white
White wine ain't red
I'd need to drink both
Before I'd take you to bed.
( Cactus 1 doesn't care what you think on, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're a bit ugly
But other people seem to like you, so I guess that would make our love socially acceptable, or something
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:24, archived)

Happy Valentines day.

( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:25, archived)

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I can't write poems so...
Nice tits.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

I HAVE A GIRL WHO I LIKE WHO LIKES ME BACK ^_^
LOL ^_^

SHE'S PRETTY! AND OFFLINE!







^_^
( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:25, archived)

I thought you were a gay?

( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:26, archived)

only when they need the help.
the hours aren't great, but it pays.
( hexachordal la la la la la, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

Moohalaa
Is a man, man!
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

well... he's a MALE.
Lol.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

She's telling you that because looking at your front makes her feel sick.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:35, archived)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
When you think you are alone
I am watching you.

/Original SPN thingy made 30 seconds ago.
you may have use it.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:26, archived)

roses are red
violets are rank
tonight will you give me
a soapy tit wank

/stolen from b3ta 09/02/07
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your face could sour milk
But I'm intrigued as to whether I could bring myself to ejaculate inside you.

Edit: this one is clearly popular with the ladies. Take note, gents.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

WINNAR

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

*sniggers*

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

Haha!

(Psycho Eyes, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

That is wonderful
*applauds*
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

I am very much anti-Valentine's Day.

(Psycho Eyes, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:27, archived)

*asks for address for card to be sent to*

( tfs bye, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

Roses are red
So is your cunt
after I've ploughed it
with my 12" love pump
( magnum, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:28, archived)

Roses have thorns
Violets make me sneeze
Looking at your face
makes me want to heave.
( magnum, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:30, archived)

send them one from here:
www.someecards.com/
(Dangermouse., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:29, archived)

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'M GONNA RAPE YOUR CORPSE, MOTHERFUCKER!
(Monk3yspunkmop3d throws grenades, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:30, archived)

I have never recieved a valantines day card because nobody will ever love me like that.
=(
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:32, archived)

I'll send you one....
...........BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Nope, couldn't keep a straight face with that one!
( Lollylegs lite, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:35, archived)

I'm going to lock myself in my room and play Blink 182's Adam's Song over and over again.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:37, archived)

Here.
Have a razor blade. No, it's fine, you take it.
( Lollylegs lite, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:39, archived)

In a similar vein, I have just remembered my favourite chat-up line
"Come on love, you're nowt special".

I've been trying to get my mate to use this for years, to no avail.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:38, archived)