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Hello in-house jokesters.
JMG here.
Who's got some ill-reasoned offline antics they'd like to share with the internet?

Come on.
You love a bit of that.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:44, archived)
I had to pick WW up from A & E today.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:45, archived)
same old "slipped and fell while changing the lightbulb naked" story,
I'll bet.
(I helped save b3ta! Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:46, archived)
How is she now?
Less lung-fucked?
(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:47, archived)
Are the NHS making you do homework?

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:48, archived)
Oh JMG, you rotter.
Was there much dismay at your football team's slightly fortuitous win last night?
(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:49, archived)
I think Bogus Official went off a little too early once I returned and posted on here.
But asides that, there was minimal wobbling.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:52, archived)
I like Bogus, he's a fine handsome upstanding chap not generally prone to internet seriousness..
..I'm rather baffled that he's still annoyed by the JMG Internet Show after all this time.
(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:55, archived)
I can't speak for him, but I'm quite sure the key word would be "autism".
Anywhere up to three times.

I'd also like to point out that I, JMG. Repeats himself.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:57, archived)
You're not autistic until Mykey gazzes someone to say that you are.
Then it's Internet Truth.
(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:59, archived)
Or until one of the dried up old spite-chimneys on QOTW chants it five times in a row.

(I helped save b3ta! The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:01, archived)
the pair of you are insist so much about yourselves that you make attenion seekers look vacant
you take a forum where nobody really would like to know who you are in the real world and push your opinions and self value on the rest of the users, it achieves nothing for the forum, is there no other way you can gain a sense of self praise without using this forum to pretend that you have in some way upset people or made them like you without taking over a forum that is directed towards humorous posts?
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:06, archived)
Alright.
Have another crack at that opening line.
That's as far as I've got.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:07, archived)
you! insist! on! your! self!

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:09, archived)
Pardon?

(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:09, archived)
what's your fucking problem now?

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:11, archived)
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:14, archived)
It's all one sentence mongy
that's how I used to write when I was in school.
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:14, archived)
i dont use commas and shit here. never have

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:17, archived)
brain spunk

(I helped save b3ta! 100% kitten better than ever, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:19, archived)
i wish baz would come back

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:21, archived)
ha!
he still visits my corner of the internet.
(I helped save b3ta! 100% kitten better than ever, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:22, archived)
Bogus is a great chap.

(I helped save b3ta! FoldsFive, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:05, archived)
JMG did you see me win and internet argument?

(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:58, archived)
*Official Handshakes and ceremony requiring top hats and gowns*
*Wipes tear from eye*
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:00, archived)
*does victory dance*

(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:05, archived)
*Guest speakers speech*
*Threats made to the overweight community*

*SEXY PARTY!*
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:08, archived)
I need some weed.
(will travel)
(I helped save b3ta! (|D[ekionplexis B3ta.com: fictional child porn is OK, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:46, archived)
No time for you right now.

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:48, archived)
fine then

(I helped save b3ta! (|D[ekionplexis B3ta.com: fictional child porn is OK, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:48, archived)
there are many invading my veggie patch
wanna come get 'em?
(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:48, archived)
That's the best thing about being on the tenth floor.
No weeds to invade my mini garden.
(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:49, archived)
Yep, everyone is 'growing their own'.
hmm
(I helped save b3ta! (|D[ekionplexis B3ta.com: fictional child porn is OK, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:53, archived)
Hmm..
Well, I am handy with a hoe.

:P

LOOLOLOLOL
(I helped save b3ta! (|D[ekionplexis B3ta.com: fictional child porn is OK, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:51, archived)
I would like some ritalin
but I don't know where to get these things
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:51, archived)
from a doctor?
do you suffer with ADHD?
(I helped save b3ta! (|D[ekionplexis B3ta.com: fictional child porn is OK, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:53, archived)
No I want it so I can write essays
They don't just give it out to people who want it. but it would help.
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:56, archived)
I'm assuming this is a joke.
Just work harder.
(I helped save b3ta! (|D[ekionplexis B3ta.com: fictional child porn is OK, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:58, archived)
But I could take drugs that would help my brain focus
and therefore improve my work. I can't force my brain to concentrate. It's basically cheating really. Like steroids in sports. But not illigal, yet. Performance enhancing.
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:04, archived)
Ermm..drugs are for when you have finished your studies.
You remember that.
(I helped save b3ta! (|D[ekionplexis B3ta.com: fictional child porn is OK, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:06, archived)
you take recreational drugs
you can't look down on me for wanting drugs that would help me excel in education.
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:12, archived)
Study while shooting up, I don't care.

(I helped save b3ta! (|D[ekionplexis B3ta.com: fictional child porn is OK, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:14, archived)
Get some off JMG.
According to my Big Book of Internet FACTS he's autistic, now.
(I helped save b3ta! JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:00, archived)
It's true.
:(
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:01, archived)
All the important people in my life OFFLINE are going through stress and so am I and it's making everything VERY STRESSFUL and I want to have a little cry.
Offline.
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:46, archived)
Aww honey
I wish I could give you a proper cuddle.
(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:48, archived)
It's just really rubbish at the moment.
There are so many places I want to be and people I want to be with and talk to properly and spend time with and cuddle and tell them it's all going to be alright but I can't be anywhere but here for the next three weeks. And I know it's temporary and three weeks is no time at all but everything's so awful that temporary problems might become actual problems. :(
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:51, archived)
I know it is hard but anyone who loves you would want you to give all you can to these three weeks
You can't beat yourself up for not being able to be everywhere.
(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:53, archived)
Argh. Why does everything in my life have to go wrong right now?
I'm living scared of what'll happen when the three weeks are up and the problems _should_ go away but might not.
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:56, archived)
beat yourself up for not being able to be everywhere.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:03, archived)
cut your wrist and die then

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:08, archived)
HO'WAY MAN PET!
You've got an official HO'WAY MAN PET, there.
You can do anything with one of those.

It got Moohalaa a new bike, for example.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:49, archived)
Thanks pet.
One of the places I want to be is Newcastle with my pal who's having a bit of a rubbish time there. But also to have my picture taken by the sign of the street which has my name AND has Lush on it.
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:52, archived)
I think we ALL wish to be in Newcastle.
Almost daily.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:57, archived)
Aww honey
I wish I could give you a slap and tell you to pull yourself together
(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:55, archived)
Oi!

(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:56, archived)
it's my patented method for dealing with depression
tell it like it is, don't offer sympathy, tell people to sort their lives out

and it works
(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:02, archived)
Go on then.
1. My brother wants to drop out of uni, marry his girlfriend and join the RAF and my family think this is my fault because I am the only one he'll talk to seeing as the rest of them are all mentals.
2. My uncles have offered me a lot of money to do something for them that I don't really have time to do right now, but they are talking about a sum of money that I can't really say no to, but I am in the middle of my finals and really don't have time but it's hard to say no to lots of money.
3. I have turned into a psycho girlfriend because of Finals Mentals and I don't like it but can't seem to be a normal person at the moment.
4. My kitchen's a mess.
5. I have a spot.
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:08, archived)
i can do this
all of the above, do what makes you happy, guilt is a thing laid on by others, your brother can do what he wants, fuck off is number 2, 3 you are a person, and he can dump you, so what, it not like you'll be together forever and have kids,

smash the spot up
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:16, archived)
ok
1. Stop worrying what other people think about you
2. Don't accept the money, go out in the world and stand on your own two feet and earn a living like everyone else does
3. Get a fucking grip
4. Doesn't even fucking matter
5. See 4
(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:17, archived)
Pop spot. Clean kitchen. Give blowjob.
As for the family money thing.. Depends if what you do has time constraints.
And support your brother in his decisions. They're his decisions.
/not very helpful but trying
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:20, archived)
*Standing ovation*

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:23, archived)
Last time you did that when I was having my mental episode in Italy it really worked actually.

(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:56, archived)
see, this is why my reputation as a heartless bastard is largely undeserved

(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:00, archived)
I'm failing to study as I am too hurty
gah!
(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:47, archived)
poor you
*hugs*
(I helped save b3ta! hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:02, archived)
I started building a model motorbike
It has wheels that spin.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:47, archived)
Well, I handed in my notice yesterday,
and came home from college early because I feel like shit AGAIN. It's all a bit of a mess really.
(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:48, archived)
Oh no, I hope you feel better soon
and all the job stuff works out.
(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:50, archived)
Oh Ireland.
The hounds! Who'll care for the hounds?!
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:50, archived)
I made friends with a girl called Mary at work today.
She is young and pretty and tall and was wearing a lovely dress.
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:49, archived)
Did you strike up an awkward conversation
or did you offer her tea?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:51, archived)
she said she reckognised me from the other office
I blushed. then we made tea together and had chuckles.
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:54, archived)
Did you two discuss my good offline companion Handsome Gav?
He's very popular with womenfolk all over the country, she'll probably have a secret folder of his photos she could share with you.
I'm also assuming this Mary lass is a bit of a looker. I give this friendship my official endorsement.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:51, archived)
JMG there are no menfolk in my horizons
not even in the peripherals ):
(I helped save b3ta! TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:55, archived)
I'd gladly try to put one of your hips out.
But this is the internet.
:(
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:59, archived)
Turns out my mate went out with Andrew Lloyd Webber's wife's little sister.
According to her, Webber has a MASSIVE cock. The end.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:51, archived)
:(

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 21:53, archived)
insisting

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:52, archived)
If things go well,
I may soon be receiving a handsome wage to work in temperatures of -20°C.
(I helped save b3ta! The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:56, archived)
*Gloved handshakes*
Good luck here.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:01, archived)
i'm awaiting the lovely polish bloke from o2
to activate port forwarding GRRRRR
why can't they gove me the root password
(I helped save b3ta! hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:01, archived)
I'd like to hear Aberdeen's views on this Polish man.

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:03, archived)
i'll call them
i'm too southerly for their liking
(I helped save b3ta! hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:17, archived)
did you try saying 'pretty please with a cherry on the top' ?
they love that.
(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:05, archived)
Unfortunatly
Their responce was poor.

So it seems i will be hooking my old netgear up again soon. :(

How are you this evening young lady?
(I helped save b3ta! hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:14, archived)
Not bad thank you :)
Had a busy one at work so I'm rather tired now but I'll get there.

You?
(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:22, archived)
i'm tired
And having to work later tomorrow, which may be a good thing in money terms but bad as i'm used to working less hours now, effectivly making me lazy
(I helped save b3ta! hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:46, archived)
Aww, I hope it isn't too difficult

(I helped save b3ta! Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:51, archived)
I've got explosive zits and a red nose
I feel like a real b3tan again
(I helped save b3ta! 100% kitten better than ever, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:22, archived)
:(
Sad news indeed.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 22:24, archived)