Elton. Oh God.
Im just gonna pray my boyfriend doesnt read this..

The first time my boyfriend came round my house we had decoraters in,who insisted on bringing their radio along with them,and playing god-awful music.

That day,me and my boyfriend were laying on the bed,probably getting a bit..ahem 'affectionate' while the bloody decorators played Your Song by Elton John. It was weirdly romantic and erotic and reminded me a bit of Moulin Rouge.

But its Elton John. So,eew.

I really hope my boyfriend has forgotten this now.
(Miharu, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 18:31, Reply)

oh mickey you're so fine
A few days back Mrs Soapy Norris realised that we have had mice in the kitchen. I got hold of a few mousetraps - the humane ones, I am not an evil man - and lay them around the floor next to the skirting board.

Last night I was awoken by a funny sound and went down to the kitchen, and sure enough there was a mouse stuck inside one of the humane traps. Now, I certainly wasn't about to take it down the park to let it go, it was the middle of the night, but I had to do something without waking the wife. So what was I to do?

I know, I thought, I'll flush it down the toilet. So, I took it into the bathroom, dropped it into the bog and pulled the chain.

The sight of that poor cute little mouse struggling against the raging torrent of the flushing water, looking so vunerable...

nnnnnNNNNNNGH!!
(pop)
(dribble)
.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 18:00, Reply)

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
I was sitting in the cinema a few weeks ago when it suddenly hit me how gagging Susan from the new Narnia movie was. I checked IMDB when I got home and found she was indeed 17, and thus I was morally obliged to wank like a chimp on viagra.

Not that she could ever replace Emma Watson or Meg Griffin though...

EDITED

Also, the girl who would be your mentor on level 2 of Pilotwings for the SNES - she was a fox.
(misteroz, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 17:51, Reply)

Big Scary Doll
I used to date a young lady who had very fine, very white creamy skin. She also had the biggest eyes I’ve ever seen in the head of a human being. Big, deep, green eyes.

She was a fun girlfriend and we stayed as mates after we split up. One Halloween, she was thinking of ideas for a costume and came up with the idea of putting her hair in pigtails, hiring a big, frilly dress and slapping on lots of white make-up. She said she would then sit in the corner, eyes wide, staring into the distance like a big, porcelain doll. She then proceeded to demonstrate the expression she would adopt for the part.

It is has been frozen into my brain since then.

And now makes me squirm whenever I see one of those china dolls…

Plus there were freckles involved.



Excuse me, I’ll be back in a minute…
(Mr Evian, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 17:06, Reply)

inspoken
Amen. filthy girl.
(TheManofScience, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 16:45, Reply)

Cartoon animal porn. if it's wrong, i don't wanna be right.
This is what my mate said…..
"you seen the Lion King right? you know when the boy lion is play fighting with the girl lion, and he pushes her over, she lands on her back and looks up at him with those innocent eyes, and you just KNOW she's good for it? yeah? you with me? right? that's some good shit right there my friend. i got The Lion Kinky on DVD, my flat mates away, and fuck, i ain't had this much action since i was working night shifts in the mortuary."
For the record he also has knocked one off thinking of Bugs Bunny dressed up as a girl bunny. i need to either A) get new friends , or, B) get over my brown bread fixation and join in the fun. (The brown bread thing is about the bits of oat/wheat in it that i CRUSH with my little toothy pegs. ho what i'd do to a loaf right now!!.... well, i'd eat it i s'oppose.)
(Jeeves, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 16:11, Reply)

I bet this warmed a few cockles
news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/060130/481/lon10201301038
(Plyck, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 16:09, Reply)

Embarrassing Pop Music
Anyone remember the band Scarlet and how shit they were? For some reason their songs gave me wood. It's not as if tey were attractive either! Always thought their album should've been called "Now thats what i call erectile dysfunction", but i guess that really was just me.
(holymole, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:50, Reply)

Its me or the ......
Cant be bothered to check if anyone else has mentioned this yet.... but Victoria Stilwell of "It's me or the Dog" fame has a profound effect on me. 30 mins of my girlfriend "cooo-ing" and "ahh-ing" over the errant pooches week in week out while i simply sit there imagining what kind of discipline and task-reward i could be enjoying with her.

Dog optional... bet she's tried it though, dirty bitch.
(inspoken, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:36, Reply)

onedotzero

I too have heard of a method of sucking your testicles into your body, but I think it works as a sort of inverted cough - bringing the goodies up through the front of your body.

I can't think of anything more painful than grabbing you pippins, yanking them until the chicken-skin handbag is long enough, and poking them up through a rock hard ring of muscle. It would seem to defeat the whole object of the exercise.

Anyway, sorry about that. If some sick fuck writes that they find THAT accidentally erotic I'm cancelling my broadband subscription.
(geegee, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:34, Reply)

Richard Hammond
When I hear the words Richard Hammond, I tend to immediately think of my pet rat who goes by the very same name.

As a direct result, I have been left feeling very disturbed by some of the posts in this weeks QOTW.
(tallulah kittiwake, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:33, Reply)

During arguments when the other person cries
I get inappropriate risings.
( my mum, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:25, Reply)

geegee
Oh, Jasmine, definitely... :)

I've also been reliably informed that there is a technique to pull your testicles in to your body. This, from a 7th Dan Karate teacher.

Though for me, seeing is believing. Which, I suppose, means I'll live in ignorance.
(onedotzero, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:22, Reply)

Disney Beauties

Me and my best mate from school have been having a 10 year argument about the fittest Disney character. For him, Belle from “Beauty and the Beast” is a charming, stunning vision of perfection. He reckons she sums up all the most magnificent attributes of the female sex.

I, on the other hand, have tried to inform him till I’m blue in the face, that she would simply lie their like a sack of spuds. Jasmine from ‘Aladdin’ is an entirely different kettle of fish. She’s a right dirty animal. You can tell, with one look, that she’d take it up the wrong ‘un whilst you shoved her knickers in her mouth.

I don’t know why I bother arguing with him really. He once told me sumo wrestlers protect their balls by sticking them up their bum-holes.
(geegee, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:14, Reply)

Rakky
Right with you on the salon experience.

Fortunately, I'm friends with the owners of the salon and get free cuts.

And I do love it when they massage for longer than normal. Though I'm never quite sure if they think it's a normal period of time or whether I'm getting special treatment... and I'm hardly likely to ask, so I just enjoy :)
(onedotzero, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:10, Reply)

Ciggie thrill
I had my first hand-job courtesy of an inadvertant fetish. I was 13 going on 14 and in those days had to rely on running around and the wrist to syphon off the confusing build up of sexual energy.

One other outlet I had was smoking - It started when out of curiosity I stole one og my older sister's fags and got an overwhelming rush from it, so I would steal them from time to time and smoke it somewhere private and crack one, two or even three off during the process.

About a year later, and still enjoying the occasional clandestine cig/wank I started sharing the cigs at least with a girl of the same age, usually in my Dad's empty garage. One day we were clanging off our cigs and although I couldn't spank one it was compensation enough having her there, then one day she noticed the tent I was pitching.

Turned out she was getting the horn from smoking too and she abley demonstrated this by wanking us both off at the same time ;-D
(Jay Tea, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 15:00, Reply)

This is not the sort of thing I normally admit, be gentle with me doctor…
It’s a bit like the “Little Things That Turn Me On” thread but far more embarrassing. I discovered at a young age that things changing shape had a very peculiar effect on me. I certainly remember being probably the only kid in biology that was watching a butterfly emerge from a cocoon with a massive boner (me, not the butterfly, that would be weird…). It is, unfortunately, a condition that has proven very embarrassing over the years…

My parents thought that the reason why I hid behind the sofa when David Banner lost his temper was because I was scared of the Hulk. I really wish it had been fear that kept me leaping behind furniture once he got the funky eyes going…

Years later, I am grateful for the full box of popcorn that I could secure over my lap during my trip to see Willow at the cinema… (you are not alone!)

I had such a Pavlovian reaction to American Werewolf in London that I have to sit down for a bit when I hear ‘Bad Moon Rising’ by Creedence…

Don’t even talk to me about The Thing…

Of course, the real sucker punch came when I was at a friend’s house for a film. I had the then girlfriend sat on the floor between my legs. She became rather uncomfortable come the film’s conclusion. The film in question?

Society.


Am I weird?
(Mr Evian, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 13:14, Reply)

Ummm, not sure if I should share....
Kat from Jolly Jack's Sequential Art.

Enough said!
(CdrVimes, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 11:47, Reply)

richard hammond?
i've emailed topgear and pointed them in this direction. lets watch the little ones head swell...

not like that!
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Wed 8 Feb 2006, 11:29, Reply)

coxes
wascally weasel


you should see the cox we have for our thames eight this year (tss)

she hot.

im not in the boat, and i still find it hard to concentrate.
(magictorch, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 11:17, Reply)

Hair today…
Accidentally erotic is… Going to an expensive hair salon and having the cutest little 17 year old trainee give you a head massage that goes on for a fraction longer than is needed and culminates in me forgetting totally where I am, squirming in my seat and whimpering out loud. He stopped after that. I’ve never been (allowed) back to that salon since.

Accidentally erotic isn’t… Going for a bra fitting where the raddled 50 summat department store crone stands behind you in front of a mirror and puts her hands into your bra cup and holds up your tits saying ‘I knew you’d be a C cup, I can tell by the firmness.’ I swear I’ve had smear tests that were less intimate than that.

* shudder *

Richard Hammond? Meh, try finding yourself sexually aroused by Andrew Marr’s Westminster reports. I know I do. And that will be why I’m still single.
(Rakky, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 11:15, Reply)

I can't be the only one
to find the scene in Reservoir Dogs where Mr Blonde messes up the police officer and cuts off his ear kind of erotic. It's probably something to do with my suits fetish...
(GiantSquid, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 10:45, Reply)

Strangelady
hnnrrgh *splat*
(Carling, pint of, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 10:06, Reply)

During last night's CSI
Watching CSI last night, I spot a character, supposedly a famous film star, laying down with his shirt off and start to feel a bit hot and bothered.

Me - "He's certainly well put together"
Housemate - "He's a corpse!"
Me - "Shit.."
(Iris_Wildthyme is three sheets to the wind, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 9:52, Reply)

Abu Hamza
Apparently climaxing.....

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4691958.stm
(Trevor, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 9:29, Reply)

ECG
I had to get an ECG a while ago to monitor an irregular heart beat that developed due to stress. I had to lie down on a bench and remove my top and lay there with this sexy male nurse sticking these little sensors all around one breast, and in spots on my leg and arm. He reached over to put one on my wrist and brushed against my nipple. I had to fully restrain myself from moving or i would have climaxed right there and then. If he wasn't measuring my heart rate, i probably would have moved...
(brotagaia, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 7:13, Reply)

Hermione
Dunno why, but I've got a thing for the girl who plays Hermione on HP. I didn't feel bad about it 'til I found out she's 15...

I also had a thing for a second cousin a few years back. She always wore these really short Daisy Dukes. In a fit of teenage stupidity, I brought it up with her hoping something might come of it. Turns out she could tell I fancied her (women's intuition has always baffled me), and we haven't really talked much since.
(coffee keeps me from flying into a berserker rage, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 7:09, Reply)

Arrested
4 years ago I had a bit of an altercation with an ex..........and ended up smacking him a few times (bear in mind this after he'd beaten me up and I left him).
Ex called the cops, and I was handcuffed and hauled off to jail - not a pleasant experience and no erotic happenings whatsoever!

Throughout the 3 months I spent going to court (and I'd like to point out I wasn't allowed to plead as they knew I would plead guilty), the last 2 weeks I was given a HOT Public Defender. Damn, the things I wanted to do to him.
On my final day in court (when the judge was dismissing the charges and letting me off), a guy I'd started dating told me that morning exactly what he'd do to me that night......I'm stood in court practically creaming my knickers at the thought of a) what I was going to get that night and b) the Public Defender fantasy while I was getting it........
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 7:00, Reply)

I am an Optician
It is interesting to read what goes through the minds of so many of you in the test-room.

It must seem like a great job, but remember for each cutie you get onto the slit lamp, you have to see 10 rancid half pikey-half garlic eating herbal freaks.
Worse still are the borderline tramps with soiled skids.

Having thought for a second, I now realise many of you are indulging in energetic touching at the mention of the slit-lamp.

Oh I am available for private hire, and will bring my special pink Ophthalmoscope.
(BigAndyBee, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 1:24, Reply)