Buses.
Bordom, traffic, vibrations.

Its enevitable really....

PS. Throbbe - :-)
(G.Eusebio ...Fentruk from the long past..., Sat 4 Feb 2006, 11:00, Reply)

the new Village People: the giant robot, the aging wrestler, and the escaped Vietnam vet.
Now I get why this homosexualist guy I know is always using the transformers logo in his zines etc. I thought he was just being hip and ironic.

The Mister T and Hulk Hogan motifs are beginning to take on a different complexion as well.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 10:45, Reply)

ummm...
scratching my athelete's foot-laden feet. Or running boiling hot water over them while in the shower=pure extacy followed by sheer pain as the water reaches the nerves in the bottom of my feet. Ah well.

Oh and I'll never forget the lovely feelings I recieved the first time I smelled toner from an operating laser printer while in high school computer science class. It made me love going to that class.
(ShigTheNewt isn't funny. -_-, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 9:53, Reply)

Yeah
Unicron's big and all, but imagine how good Rumble would be at fisting.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 4 Feb 2006, 9:49, Reply)

Unicron
had a bigger cock though.
(Confused, would we? doesn't know what time it is at, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 9:26, Reply)

More Than Meets The Eye
Okay! Okay! I'll admit it! When I was seven, Optimus Prime made my winky go ZING!

I've been avoiding the question so far, considering it far too embarrassing but if people can admit to getting a bonk on over Minnie Mouse even now then I can admit to my first gay crush being aimed at a cartoon robot. In fact, I'd go so far as to blame the leader of the Autobots for making me gay. It does lead to hilarity however. After coming out to people they invariably ask when you first knew. If I'm being nice I say it was when I realised I only played strip poker with other boys. If I'm feeling evil I tell them it was shortly after the battle begun on Cybertron and make some joke about Prime's exhaust pipe.

Top tip though, do not reveal this little piece of information to anyone you are considering sleeping with. This could lead to the one memorable occasion when, getting hot and heavy with a bloke, he removes his pants and, as his erection springs up, he makes the transforming noise. Contrary to popular belief this will not regress you to a state of raging repressed childhood horniness but will in fact make you laugh so hard it renders you incapable of doing anything remotely erotic for a good half an hour.

There, I've said it! Make the voices stop now!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 4 Feb 2006, 8:48, Reply)

Erotic or Sick? You be the judge
Thanks, Hawker Typhoon, it was you!!!
( Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 8:35, Reply)

Erotic or sick? You be the judge
Seeing two Clyedesdale heavy horses going at it in the paddock near my place on the way to work one morning. The stallion was really putting on a show, and I noticed three cars had pulled over to allow the occupants to watch the free hot horse-on-horse action. I didn't stop, but I was a little 'tense' at work all that day and had to take matters into my own hands as soon as I got in the door that night.

Oh, and Fluffy Art (which I never even knew existed until I read a QOTW entry on page 4 yesterday). I have spent all weekend looking at furry beasts making two backs. I have decided I like it. A lot. So Thanks whoever you are on page 4!

One single to Hell, please.
( Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 8:33, Reply)

The Ginger Ninja
Back when I was about 11 or 12 the new craze in shops were those machines where you could print up your own business cards. No one could go into Woolworths or Clintons without mocking up a card that said 'Mr Tits' and then, giggling like schoolgirls all the while, cancelling it when they had to pay to get them printed. My brother decided to go one step further. He was the kind of person that didn't let being horrendously ginger get him down, more than that he actually celebrated the fact. So, he took a couple of quid of his hard earned money and actually printed himself 50 business cards with his name and phone number on, but with the added title of 'The Ginger Ninja: King Of Carnal Knowledge, Master Of The Mammories'.

Well chuffed with himself he started handing them out to all the girls at school. They laughed slightly for the first ten seconds and then generally threw them away. The inappropriately erotic part of this story refers to the phone calls he started getting just shortly afterwards. There has still been nothing funnier than watching my brother answering the phone and going bright red, as 13 year old boys tend to do, when desperate middle age women ring them up and ask how much 'The Ginger Ninja' charges to 'Master Their Mammories' and telling him in great detail how they'd like it done. Maybe I shouldn't have collected all the cards the girls at school discarded and put them in random phone boxes around the area.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 4 Feb 2006, 8:17, Reply)

High school teachers
I went to an all-boys high school.

Sometimes the teachers caused, er, disruptions.

Incident 1: Latin

Latin was taught by one Mrs. K. She was tall-ish, quite slim, had *long* dark hair - down to her waist - and she didn't like to wear bras. As if to make matters worse, said teacher's name was not spelled so very different from 'climax'.

She would stand at her desk up the front, and mark students work by simply leaning over. I guess she knew exactly what this did - heck we were 15-yr olds for heaven's sake! It also meant the whole class got... very... quiet.

Anyway, one day, one of my fellow classmates obviously got enough as while Mrs. K. was leaning over he muttered a sudden 'MmmmPH! and bolted out of the classroom, bright red.

It wasn't me, honest!

Incident 2: History

History was taught for a while by a *very* fresh out of college Miss G. who was at the time dating a very popular soapy star from some show called 'Neighbours' or some such thing. Anyway, Miss G. and boyfriend had a breakup, and she was in a BAD MOOD.

She took one of my classmate's tennis ball that he happened to bring in after lunch, started pounding it against the blackboard, and proceeded to tell the whole class ALL about her relationship with said soapy star, what they had done, and where it all went wrong.

This was most likely the first time in our lives that we had ever heard a woman actually talking about the kinds of things we only read about in certain magazines. The result was a very quiet class of lads listening very earnestly, though all quite uncomfortable in the trouser.
(corinoco is waiting for the revolution., Sat 4 Feb 2006, 7:10, Reply)

stupid sexy chilean
By far not smart enough to be an optician but smart enough to read a pamplet on how to sell krap. We'll call her Claudia. She has always been partial towards me and given me the eye. from time to time I would even tease her about if the carpet matches the curtains(I think her lack of knowledge of english helps out). We started a dailey ordeal of her coming to my house and smoking swag. After a few weeks of this the brain tended to phase out and her body started speaking to me. The only thing left I could hear was that sexxy, oh so sexy chilean accent. One day I think it was my subconcios but I had to know. Will today be the day. Not much of a bloke to kiss and tell but, she was weqaring a g-string with smiley faces. To this day we still are freinds and she knows what is in the back of my mind when I smile. No apologies for lenght or girth, well she didn't complain anyway
(smokinbananapeels, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 3:24, Reply)

Ooo, oo, here's another one!
In art class, the teacher dragged in her brother, a very tall, very skinny (As in, very defined bone structure. In a good way. Pale as hell.) Goth kid and we got to draw him. Not nude, unfortunately, but he was absolutely COVERED in tattoos, the good kind, not nekkid women geting raped by skeletons- tribal-type, really pretty.

Um, awkward? I sat in the back, quietly fantasizing for the entire three hours. Didn't finish my drawing though.
(Cyndia has shuriken in her pompoms, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 2:56, Reply)

Black leather + Sexy optician = Massive girly!hot
When I was 14, I started getting horrible headaches after staring at the chalk board during Latin. (Nearsighted. Found that out later.) But I went to the glasses store to get my eyes checked, and the optician was a lovely young man, the sort of teenage fantasies- tall, short black hair, amazing eyes, bleh bleh bleh...

I soon realized that he was going to have to get very close to my face, and worried the whole time that he'd notice that I wasn't looking at the letters chart at all, I was looking at the leather pants he was wearing.]


MMM. LEATHER PANTS.
(Cyndia has shuriken in her pompoms, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 2:52, Reply)

Foot Rollers
Tried out this strange treadmill-like device that had rollers for massaging the soles of the feet, first time I ever entered a health club. Pow! Better than 70 virgins and a mule!

I have a friend. Blow behind her ear and she's transported to instant ecstasy!

Peculiar treadmills festooned with little air-blowing straws: the latest consumer craze for fitness fans!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 2:09, Reply)

Daisy from Keeping Up Appearances
It's strange people mention Keeping up Appearances, but Daisy is the one that got my rocks off... she used to be a stunner in her time, anyone see "Every Home Should Have One"? she played scary eyed guy Marty Feldman's wife... when I saw that (aged 16) I thought she was fantastic...
(garethuk, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 1:54, Reply)

Spa/Jacuzzi at Gym
Acidentally sitting over one of the bubble vents when nice young lady gets in or lays down on one of the nearby loungers.

Can't believe no one else has mentioned this - I can't be the only one?
(adtibbalds, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 1:24, Reply)

assembly
not quite on topic but as a young lad,hormones raging i always used to get raging stiffys in assembly, right at the end, when you had to get up and walk out

i poked a teacher once by accident

*gets coat and leaves in shame*

EDIT: also if you sit above the wheel on a single decker bus, always miss my stop
(muggins im afraid dave.my mind is going, i can feel it, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 22:48, Reply)

naughty
forget princess leia, darth vader in that leather and weezing like a little bitch really did it for me
(muggins im afraid dave.my mind is going, i can feel it, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 22:44, Reply)

Lace p-p-p-p-panties...
Fresh out of college, I'm interviewing for my first "real" job. Suit, tie, the works.

A VP is sitting in on the interview with the manager, so she's sitting next to me. She's middling attractive but athletic.

Sure enough, she's wearing a skirt and sitting at an, er, advantageous angle.

And she crosses and uncrosses her legs a lot. Very nice, well toned legs.

Very soon I learn that she has excellent taste in very expensive lingerie. She favors old-fashioned white nylons, the kind that go most of the way up the thigh and then stop with lacy elastic. Ohhhh yeah. Daddy likes.

And white lacy panties.

Very thin lacy white panties.

And she keeps the downstairs rug nicely trimmed, too. Hmm.

Meanwhile, I'm fielding questions, asking questions, bantering, and generally handling the interview with aplomb. Didn't skip a beat, got the job, and got to ogle a lovely little clam to boot. But I did need to keep my portfolio securely on my lap.

Too bad it turned out she was an ignorant raving bitch lunatic from hell. After just a few days of working for her, her stiffy-inducing properties vanished under the constant flood of buzzwords and hectoring. She did do me the favor of eliminating my position eventually.

*pop!*
(towelsoaker, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 22:13, Reply)

Accidental Flirting
When I'm nervous or trying not to laugh I nibble my lip. It took me ages to notice why guys kept looking at me like that.

I also had a rather inappropriate crush on my GCSE English teacher. Why innapropriate? Well she's female, has a harsh and very scary Scottish accent and never smiled. I couldn't help imagining her with a cane in her hand. *Shivers*
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 22:00, Reply)

Oh and men in make-up
Tim Curry as Frank n Furter
Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran
Adam Ant as Prince Charming
Eddie Izzard
Brian Molko

...going for a tissue now...
(Flangella, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:56, Reply)

Hot spuds
I'm sat here reading all these on my laptop with my best friend playing the last Interpol album. Laptop's gently warming my spuds and when the lead singer bloke went "Ohh" during that last track ('Evil'?) it's got a little too much. Much giggling and nervous shuffling... can't work out how to adjust myself without him knowing what's going on. *pop*
(safetywink, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:40, Reply)

Oh where to start...
I worked in a library as a teenager and it was the best job ever. The smell of books had always made me feel wibbly anyway; then one of the teenage lads who worked there discovered I also had a penchant for big words. Not as in three foot high big, but words such as concupiscence.

*shudders* GOOD word. Anyhoo...

He used to take me to the research area and read books to me whilst stroking the back of my neck (another turn-on). I was practically drooling on the table. Mmmmm happy times.

Consequently I find it hard to go into a library without instant nipple stiffness and moistening of...um...a secret girl's place.

Hoorah for books. Goddamn I love reading.
(Flangella, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 20:38, Reply)

Hubby told me
the other day that he was in a meeting at work, and his mind wandered... to me! Nekkid!

It's the first time anyone's ever had sexy daydreams about me, that I know of anyway.

We're just married, can you tell?
(MissusD2005, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 19:42, Reply)

opticians
doesnt turn me on, but they're leaning in so close i'm worried i'll suddenly go mad and try and kiss them, or do it absent mindedly or something.
As for inappropriate arousal, revision for exams (why do geography papers have to use the word penetrate so much) and britney, the blonde cheerleader off daria (yummy in a vaccuous sorta way.......)
(skankgirl, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 19:26, Reply)

A stonking great hardon
can sometimes be the only sign of a serious back injury, parameds are taught. They discreetly check the relevant area and if priapism is evident, the patient must be immobilised to prevent further damage.

So when an attractive female paramed of my acquaintance attended an RTA a few years ago she checked the male driver and noticed that he was conscious, coherent and, you know, showing signs of 'life'.

She reassured him, told him to keep perfectly still and called for the fire brigade to urgently assist.

They rolled up, had a briefing from her, and cut the top and door off the brand new BMW, which until then only had superficial damage from being jammed in a hedge.

He was carefuly removed, placed on bodyboard, rushed to hospital, examined....

Yes, you've guessed.
He wasn't seriously injured at all, he was just pleased to see her.

She still hasn't lived it down.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 19:08, Reply)

Reading the Wanking Disasters QOTW
It shouldn't have, but somehow it did.

Maybe I just like the thought of wanking.

Christ, maybe I just like the word Wank.

Wankwankwankwankwankwankkkwaaaannnnhgggguuuuuuuuuuuggghhhh.
(therocker, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 18:43, Reply)

rachelswipe/setimret

rachelswipe: Awww, shucks. Thanks.

Setimret: Hee heeee, you said oral!!!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 3 Feb 2006, 18:16, Reply)

Preliminary Oral Exams for my PhD
VERY stressful! I studied for months. I was to go before six full professors who would decide if I was good enough to pursue my PhD at an American Tier 1 research university, in a world-renowned entomology department (one of the top 10 in the country).

Because my proposed project dealt with the perception of odors by insects, they wanted to know if I understood the ins and outs of nerve transmission from an odor component.

"Well," I started off, "first, along a nerve axon, you have a polarity difference between the interior and exterior of the axon. As the impulse travels down the axon, ion channels open and the change in polarity propagates the signal." For illustration, I went to the board and drew:




"The signal reaches an area called the 'buton,' which I'll enlarge at the end of the axon for clarity."




"A neurotransmitter is needed for the signal to cross the synapse. This is accomplished by the binding of a neurotransmitter vessicle to the pre-synaptic membrane. The membrane opens and the neurotransmitter molecules flow out into the synapse to be taken up by receptors in the post-synaptic membrane."




Smug, I sat back down and we discussed other things, until my major prof said: "Getting back to the giant penis on the board..."

Six full professors of a major tier 1 research university with one of the top ten entomology departments in the country required several minutes to regain their composure.

B3ta, you'da been proud!
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 17:50, Reply)

Debbie Magee
For all those ppl ive read who like Debbie Magee feast your eyes on this lil bit of S&M (soz the Daniels is in shot too)

www.bbc.co.uk/cult/ilove/years/1993/gallery/daniels.shtml
(Keyser Soze, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 17:03, Reply)