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This is a question Annoying Partners

As a recent divorcee, it would be churlish to reveal what annoys me the most about my ex, apart from that unfortunate business with the crinkle-cut beetroot which tipped us over the edge. So, what winds you up about your significant other? If you have no partner, tell us about workmates. If you have no workmates, improvise with an annoying tramp

(, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:47)
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*Really* annoying partner!
it all started wen i was hangin out at the beach n i saw a fat woman n i was like roffle beech whale more like a beach whale ruffle n she turns round n gives me a cold glare n im like shit n she comes at me like a fukin fr8 train so am like fuck that n start runnin off i didnt giv any consideration to the Rags to Ritchie book i left on the beach or me towel so i was jus in me bludy swimmin trunks n sandals runnin away from a fat woman n i kept runnin like michael jordan or som shit n ended up in a hut so this mans there n es like wot u doin ere lad n im like sorry mate i was runnin away from a fat woman n this is where i ended up n e said theres nowt for u ere mate n im like sorry mater i didnt fuckin expect to come in ur shitty hut did i n e goes y u callin my hut shitty for u little prick n im like its not tht bad but its no pizza hut ruffle n e smacks me in the lip n im a hard man and wont take any shit so i smacked im r8 back n got im a good 1 on his chin n he goes u havent seen the last of me yet as e falls on the floor so i go out the hut n i notice one of me sandals is comin loose which is a shame bcuz of all the sandals i av ad these wer by far me favourite they were blue n had a little swiryl pattern but ononehtelss if u love somethin u hav to let it go so i tk me sandles off n jus walked barefoot along this road n i came across a woman not literally came acorss her ruffle but i encountered her n i said excuse me but do u no where i can get som spare sandals n she goes ye i do but im not tellin u unless u go on a diet u fat cunt n i was a bit ashamed n thought she was a bit rude so i go home n start rethinkin me life n i went for the fridge n go no drubert dont do it n dropped the donairs i was pickin up n go rite time 4 a change laa time 4 a change so i go to sleep n i wake up n go to the gym n jus get on the rowin machine n start rowin not rowin as in arguin roffle but propa pullin the thing back n it took abt 5 mins before i was bare on tired so i fked it off n went to the lounge n bought a bacon sandwich n was like fk rowing then all of a sudden the fat woman came in n she seen me n i was redy for confrontation i am not afrade of anything which is y they call me iron bollocks drubert so she comes at me n i jus kick her but me leg gets stuck in her fat n she swings me rond n im on the floor n she jumps on me n i fkin suffocated didnt i the fat shite so i ended up in hospital which is the las place i wanted 2 b as me cuzin roderick works there and he is a fucking A__SHOLE n he comes up n goes haha gettin into trouble i see n i go ur face will get into trouble if ur not careufl u little wanker n e didnt look pleased but e jus decided to b the bigger man n walk away n i got dealt with didnt i so ater tht i go to a shop n buy some nw sandals n i called my cousin roderick n go hey roderick do u fancy nippin down the beach n e goes ye n we met up by the record store which is where i bought me first cd it was a mr men cd i was only little n we walk onto the beach n start checkin out the fit girlz which is wot we came for in the 1st place ruffle n we take our tops off n roderick had much better six pak abs than me unfortunally i only had a 5 pak and i got a bit jealous so i took my trunks off to reveal me big Donald "Dangerous" Dangler n a police saw me so am like bludy hell i gotta do 1 so i ran off as fast as i could but i ad not adapted to me new sandals yet n therefore i tripped over n e cuahgt me n goes ur nicked son so i end up in jail n they slip me thru a nutri grain bar as i ad not ad any dinner that day n me mum comes n sees wot a st8 i am in n goes o boy uve gone and done it again avent u uve rely gone and done it now all i cud do was look down as i was ashamed in meself n so was me mum evidently but i got taken home n decided it was time to turn over a new leaf n be a more sensible boy so neext day i go 2 marks n spencers n buy the best lfipin suit i cud find and the suit was 2 become my new original character trait as i do not have much of a personality and need somethin a bit wacky n zany to make me seem like an interestin person so a suit it was n me mate selina told me women find men in a suit sexy so result i went out in me suit n ladies heads kept turnin i thought it was becuz i looked sexy but i was soon to realize it was becuz me suit was on backwards n i felt like such a waly i ran home locked meself in me room n cried 4 hours on end i also listened to some The cure as they help me wen i am feeling down i dont remember the songs i listend 2 but they had good melodies which is my favourit thing about them n after a long hard cry i had 2 feed me pet lizards but unfrotunatly they ad deid so i took them out 2 the garden n buried nthem n held a little ceremony with my doll Harajuku Barbie and my GI JOE action figureine where i sed rest in hollywood larry the lizard and lisa the lizard u were the best my respect ye cmon after tht i ws feelin down so i went 2 a bar downtown were i could dance the nite away i mingled with the folk n became a bit intoxicated a bit naugty i know but i was avin a bad day n i jus let me feet take control from there on in n i met the woman of my dreams er name was Caroline which reminded me a bit of Childline but i did not let it bother me 2 muc hshe was beautiful with ag reat figure and nice hair as the nite went on we got more n morei ntimate n she invited me back 4 coffee i am a man that luvs my coffee i can not go a morning withotu it and although i am not keen on it at nighttime i decided i wud take up her offer n go back to hers n we got there n she goes ok let me get the coffee n comes back n jus a bit of skimpy cloving rly n i wasl ike o haha i catch ur drift so i got naked on the spot but i was shakin more than Patrick Scarola the time he had cybersex with his tnegaged girlfriend n the nerves were makin me Donovan Dangler rather small so i was a bit embarrased but nonehteless i was redy for action n then Caroline goes i av somethin 2 put in u n she takes er pants down n fuck me she had the biggest twizzler i ad ever seen then it took a fewminutes to sink in its a bludy tranvestite ent it! i was ferin for my life man i started to run off but he/she grabbed me n goes ur not goin anywhere sexy from then on i jus ad to accept me fate cuz e was stronger than me i wudnt say it was rape becuz i did not mind me insides bein tickled by im but rly i wasnt sure if i liked it or not anyway i woke up in the mornin feelin like p diddy if p diddy was a young scrawny white boy with a stretched out rectum i put me cloves on n started to walk home as i was walkin home i started to quite enjoy the walk n started doin a few cheeky body pop jigs n started singin the arthur theme tune to myself wot a wonderful kinder day
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:09, 37 replies)

(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:11, closed)
i tried to read that, i really did.
but, well, you know?
it's properly fucked with my head.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:15, closed)
I can manage about two or three "words" before I zone out and start to see strange things behind the words that probably mean I'm about to be possessed by Zool or something.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 21:31, closed)
i actually started to feel ill.
like motion sickness or concussion.
quite intense really.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 21:35, closed)
You're awesome.

EDIT: Oh no, sorry. Don't know what I was thinking. 'A cock' is what I meant. You're a cock.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:18, closed)

It's like Kerouac, in a way. A sort of poetry, as the words fly at you from the page. They seem unconnected, and yet the longer you look at them, the more you find...

No, my mistake. And the lack of a Honda Accord reference means this may be meant un-ironically. Wow.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:19, closed)
i think you've skipped some vital medication
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:24, closed)
This is brilliant, so well written! *clicks*
Ignore all the trolls, they're just jealous.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:36, closed)
reminds me of...
The scene in Ulysses with the Accord.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:37, closed)
It's like that time I read Feersum Enjin
By Iain M Banks
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:44, closed)
More like Ridley Walker

(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 22:09, closed)
Alright Irvine Welsh?

(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 20:24, closed)
This is the greatest thing on the internet. I'm going to click this.

(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 21:06, closed)
You have broken my mind
Please send me a tube of mind glue, c/o the internet.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 21:46, closed)

Oh my god... that was brilliant.

*falls off seat*
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 21:47, closed)

(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 22:00, closed)
and breath dont forget the gramar nazis will be watching your every post
i would say reading but even me with my enlightened approach to cuntuation gave up at the point it says "it"
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 22:03, closed)
It's nice to see that qotw is returning to form.

(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 22:08, closed)
Yeah it is about your standard of writing now ballbag.

(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 9:07, closed)

Is it wrong of me to have imagined that all in a 'Plymuff' accent?
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 22:11, closed)
i hated and loved it equally
I wanna cry about the grammar but it would be shit with proper grammar.

Shit like this can break the internet.
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 22:12, closed)
It's like a Beatles album played backwards.
The hidden message is "I am a cunt."
(, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 23:09, closed)
Amphetamines and text speak...
...are a horrible combination.
(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 4:20, closed)
I really like this.
At least the way I choose to interpret it I do anyway.
(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 8:48, closed)
Read every fucking word. Fucking brilliant stuff.
RIP Larry and Lisa.
(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 9:03, closed)
This is the most beautiful piece of prose I've ever looked at.

(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 11:57, closed)
My brain actually hurts now.
(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 12:53, closed)
I'm sorry
but what the feck is this 'ruffle' business about?

I didn't get to the end because it was beginning to make me want to kill myself.
(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:01, closed)

(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:18, closed)

(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:39, closed)
shame bout the sandles lyk

(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:52, closed)
Nice work
"Reminded me of Childline." Heh.

There was a bit in Infinite Jest like this. Have a *click*.

All the tl;drs - this really is good. Persevere.
(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 15:05, closed)
Yeah, but "Infinite Jest" is garbage.

(, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 14:35, closed)
I've not read the whole thing...
but I have read some of your 'best of'.

Slightly reminiscent of 'Vernon God Little'.

I call a sock puppet!
(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 15:21, closed)
I concur
It's a world class trolling effort that far surpasses anything else yet. *applauds*
(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 21:11, closed)
Directed by A.Retard

(, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 16:42, closed)

My god the effort it must have taken to write that much in that style...

(, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 3:40, closed)

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