The B3ta UK ManifestoWith the General Election nearly upon us, here's your chance to lay out your own manifesto for the UK. What would you do if you were in charge? Here's your chance to think big! (Or you can call for free hugs and chocolate biscuits. They're important too.)
(, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 17:23)
This question is now closed.
scrap feeslegalise drugs
leave the EU
send the blacks back to their own country
scrap taxes
lower the age of consent to 3
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 13:13, 3 replies)
Global ManifestoForce everyone to randomly swap countries every 5 years. Hopefully it'll motivate us to stop fucking the place up for each other, and when numbnuts start chanting shit like "Britain First!" the natural response will be "Why?"
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ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 13:01,
Reply)
Death to anyone with a personalised number plateDeath to their entire family if their CAR has a personalised number plate
e.g. X5 101
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 11:33, 8 replies)
any person or organisation that owns 3 or more homes must pay a yearly tax of 0.5% of the value of those homes each yearyou can have one home, and one investment property or holiday home, but any more and you get taxed. this would reign in the buy-to-let purchases that distort the property market, and make society a little more equitable and nice.
I'd also ban short selling of stocks. there's no argument of wealth creation, it's just pure speculation. It used to be banned and should be again.
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cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 10:40,
34 replies)
Briton's Get JusticeThis is in two parts. First, the National Lottery is revamped so that instead of cash prizes, 4 winners get to be on the Panel of Briton's Get Justice.
On the night of BGJ, a stream of society's carbunkles are mustered onto stage and instead of the BGT format of "Girl with dog", "Munter what sings", "Magic man" and "Dancing Kids", we have "Bent Politician", "Banker", "Minor Celeb", "sex Offending Footballer" and "PR Consultant".
Each "contestant" then pleads to the panel why some sort of medieval justice (just in time for Magna Carta celebrations) should not be dealt upon them. If they get four buzzes, it's curtains.
Benefits include: Population reduction, value for money on the license fee, no public prosecution service to cosy up to mates, and loads of money from the lottery going straight to the NHS (to spunk up on saving fat people, obvs), no more *problems* at the BBC.
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Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 9:47,
7 replies)
SimpleEvery Saturday night, Ant and Dec will host a show where we get to "vote out" any individual. The winner of the vote will then have to fight to the death against Pat Sharp. Should they triumph, they get to live until the following week when they have to square up against the next "winner".
By the end of the decade, we will have removed the upper echelon of bell ends from our society and within 20 years, the cult of Personality will be dead.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 9:02, 2 replies)
Sterilise those with an IQ under 100.Simples.
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JebediahSpringfield, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 8:58,
6 replies)
Reworked ideaI have an idea.
Let's have some form of culling introduced. I'd introduce a new national force known as 'The fuckwit squad'. They would patrol the country with one aim, to begin to eradicate the fuckwits among us to manageable levels, like we do with other vermin.
A typical fuckwit squad target would be a tracksuit-wearing bellend with a baseball cap, sporting a bulldog tattoo and carrying a copy of the Sun (white van is optional).
After being interviewed with a few simple questions to weed out normal people who may be posing as fuckwits for fancy dress parties, the now-confirmed fuckwit will be DNA tested, tattooed with a barcode and given a tracking microchip - then released back into the wild.
Now, here's the clever bit. When a non-fuckwit needs an organ transplant, we'll have a database of expendable fuckwits in which we can find a match. The fuckwit is called in or tracked down, culled (humanely, I'm not a monster) and his/her organs are harvested for the good of the non-fuckwit population.
This has three main benefits:-
1/ The urge to dress like*, act like** or actually be a fuckwit will be lessened.
2/ The transplant waiting lists will be cut and...
3? Most importantly, the more intelligent fuckwits will leave, hopefully to our nearest neighbours - France - thereby exporting the problem to Europe and as a bonus, pissing off the French!
Vote for me!
*see above re tracksuits etc
**The parameters of identifiable fuckwit behaviour should be obvious, wilful stupidity or displaying a flag of any sort on your Corsa is an automatic offence - natch.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 8:45, 7 replies)
THE INYOURENDO PARTY ALL-INCLUSIVE MANIFESTO: WITH THIS, OUR EYEBROW-RAISING COMPREHENSIVE MANIFESTO WILL ENSURE THAT WE GO DOWN IN THE ANALS OF HISTORYMUSIC
Orchestral wind sections will be given larger grants, owing to the delight of seeing people blow horns and purse their lips to other peoples' flutes.
Keyboardists must always clearly display tulips on their organs.
SPORT
Rugby will be played only by men with odd-shaped balls, and more hookers will be put into the game to make it more exciting. The man of the match will, at the end of each game, show his tackle.
Boxers are expected to take a good battering about the ring.
Anglers shall be expected to have clean flies, and generally favourable tackle.
Maggots are not allowed to be put in the mouth, as some fishermen do, and their poles are expected to be as long as possible.
Bullfights are to be introduced, providing the Matador can stick his weapon in the bull's ring without buckshot. Winners of all bullfights will get the horn.
LIFESTYLES
People will be able to come out more frequently.
People coming into money will be able to splash out as freely as they wish.
Everyone shall be given a free entry on the National Lottery, unless they are physically impaired in which case, they will receive a bonus ball.
People shall be expected to have presentable and regularly cleaned knobs and knockers, or their doors will be confiscated.
People shall be encouraged to attend more performances, unless they are goers already.
Wine glasses are to be prohibited. Instead, wine shall be drunk from hairy goblets or flutes.
Bald clams are no longer permissible.
Eating out is not allowed.
ANIMALS
The following animals are thought highly of by our party, and we shall eliminate outmoded pets as we put this proposition into place: pussies, beavers, and any form of horny beast. Parakeets are not allowed unless their peckers are more impressive than usual. Stabbing birds is agreed as fine, however stabbing sheep unacceptable outside of lonely shepherd circles. Stabbing pigs will be cracked down on severely.
UNIONS
They will be given larger packets at the end of each week to enhance their enjoyment of the weekend.
Members will be bloody well hung if they commit any anti-social behaviour like popping out for a fag or some crumpet.
Miners shall be given more shafts, cleaner shafts, and more lee-way for going down in lifts.
The width of the passage shall be increased to allow double or triple entry.
TRADESMEN
All tradesmen will be made to use "tradesman's entrances" when going to work.
Milkmen will always leave cream up the back-passage.
Candle-stick-makers will be encouraged to dip their wicks in as often as possible.
Butchers shall not slap their meat on the counter willy-nilly, they must be offered payment first. Also, the cleaver they use to slice ham, gammon and other swine or boar-related produce is to be re-named, the "pork-sword". All beef shall be kept behind curtains.
Woodsmiths and other men who handle their tools a lot will be allowed to screw and bang at all times of the day. All tools must be of a sensible length - for instance, how much drilling could you get done with a 2" tool?
RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS
At Christmas time, every one will receive the opportunity of pulling a fair few crackers, stuffing a bird or two and/or giving birth to the saviour of mankind.
At Easter, a census will count how much chicks have laid over the past year. Hot buns are favourable.
Porking will be severely punishable during periods. Especially those of Jewish celebration. Caps must be worn, and no participant may have more than three skins.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 0:31, 6 replies)
It's drawing a line in the sand.It is separating the people that can make this country Great again, and those that are willing to let it die on it's arse.
Anyone who puts the beans onto a jacket potato before the cheese, the exit is over there.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 23:20, 2 replies)
free aparagus for the under 12s(
Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 21:40,
4 replies)
Free guyrims for all public sector workers(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 20:56,
4 replies)
Anyone of voting age who doesn't vote, or spoils their ballot paper,becomes the official scapegoat of the nation.
No more blaming immigrants/hoodies/the elderly/the unemployed/fat cat bankers or whoever for what's gone wrong, we can ask unite and persecute this self-identifying group of smug wankers. Send them to jail, deport them, force then to perform unending community service, or just feel good knowing that there's an acceptable group to look down upon.
Oh, and remove them from the electoral register - this is a one way ticket.
The same fate can be meted out to UKIP/Green voters, too.
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monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 20:45,
18 replies)
Since it seemed appealing last time,here's my proposal from almost 4 years ago.
*cue military music*
PEOPLE OF B3TA!
Your ideas for fixing the world are well-meaning, but ultimately a naïve. The world will be improved by them in certain cosmetic respects, but the big problems will remain unaddressed.
What the world needs is a genuine vision. Something that will shake it to the core, raze it to the ground, and start again.
A radical change. Epoch-making. Tectonic.
We must rebuild the world in such a way as to mean that the old world is not just a memory; it must not be a memory at all. It must be an impossibility in the minds of the enlightened children of the future - a mere incoherence.
We must prepare for something cataclysmic. Nothing else will do.
And if we examine the darkest and deepest recesses of our collective souls, we know what form this cataclysm must take.
Friends, b3tans, lurkers, all. There is no time to hesitate. Now is the time for action.
The label must be redesigned so that it actually fits bottles of Angostura bitters.
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Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 20:26,
4 replies)
All the hot air generated whenever people talk about climate change will be collected and used instead of burning fossil fuels.(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 18:58,
Reply)
1. Golf to be outlawed, cos it's just a load of old farts dressed in ridiculous outfits knocking a silly little ball round Telly Tubby Land.
2. The only approved hand drier will be the Dyson Airblade - those crappy Warner Howard World Dryer Corporation™ ones that are useless would be banned, as well as those stupid new ones that sound like a scramjet and still don't dry your hands.
3. Football to be banned, that goes without saying.
4. McDonald's can no longer call their outlets "restaurants". Restaurants have cutlery.
5. The death penalty for anyone found driving with their fog lights on when there is no fog.
6. Nationalise ebay.
7. Every man be given a real "get out of jail free card", which actually gets you out of jail, free.
Just for starters.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 18:50, 4 replies)
I'd make it illegal to have more than sixty submissions to qftw.(, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 18:47, 3 replies)
I can't believe that Dr Skagra didn't win last week's.(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 17:43,
Reply)
3rd past the post wins!! - All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one.
- To combat global warming and climate change all buildings should be fitted with air conditioning units on the outside.
- The Isle of Wight should be changed to: “The Isle of Mixed Races, and Cultures Located off the Coast of Britain."
- Introduction of a 99p coin, to save on change
courtesy of www.loonyparty.com/
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buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 17:36,
1 reply)
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