The B3ta UK ManifestoWith the General Election nearly upon us, here's your chance to lay out your own manifesto for the UK. What would you do if you were in charge? Here's your chance to think big! (Or you can call for free hugs and chocolate biscuits. They're important too.)
(, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 17:23)
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Carp Ejaculations!lets making fishing a thing of the past, its for boring sad cunts anyway.
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spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 30 Apr 2015, 8:21,
1 reply)
Sclap erections!Equaw lights faw aw peepaw
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drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 21:40,
3 replies)
Scrap Electrons!!!!Emancipation for the nuclei.
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monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 20:55,
3 replies)
My colleagues seem to suggest they will vote Labour. That's another vote for being fucked.
Party Politics I do not do -- ...
(, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 19:17, 2 replies)
Scrap Elections!!!!That's right, scrap elections. 500 MP's chosen at random from the electoral register every 3 years or so. Can't be worse than the polical class that we have now, bending us over and expecting us to tug the forelock and say "thank you m'lud".
(, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 13:46, 8 replies)
This is my five point manifesto for when I'm rightfully recognised as Britain's leader1) Dig up all the streets. Replace britain's roads with a system of bike lanes and maglev trams and nice potted azaleas. The occasional bike/tram accident would enough to keep the azaleas well fertilised.
2) Invade Belgium. They wouldn't be expecting it.
3) Have each individual's yearly tax rate determined by spinning a Wheel of Tax. It would stop complacency.
4) To boost tourism I'd put Ye Olde in front of all road names. "Ye Olde M56 to Barnsley". The yanks would fucking love it.
5) I would make Britain great again, get Britain working again, put jobs first. And education first. Jobs and education would get equal first and have to be referred to the fourth umpire for video analysis. I would cut the deficit. We would have a deficit deficit under myself. I would take Britain out of europe. We will join the Mercosul if they'll have us. And we need to stop the number of immigrants. Under my rule, no Britain will be allowed to leave these shores so help me god.
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cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:14,
22 replies)
Not so much for the UK and on a serious note.Here in Australia we have compulsory voting. On election day you turn up to your local polling booth, get your name ticked off (surprisingly you don't need to show id, yet) and fill out your ballot papers in a small booth. The Electoral Commission will fine you $50 if you fail to vote.
Now those of you in the States may think this is great - where you guys get maybe 30% of the population voting at any one time. And that 30% is usually the richest and most driven by an agenda.
However the problem here is this - because it's compulsory most people do vote. That means that every redneck bogan whose political nous stretches as far as "Tones is a Cunt!" gets to cast a ballot paper. Furthermore every doddery old biddy who thinks that nice, presentable young man in the suit (the tired old hack) should be Prime Minister. And of course every bleeding-heart rainbow-blooded pinko lefty gets to scruff up the polling booth on Election Day with their "Land Rights for Gay Whales" placards...
To compound this issue we also have a preferential or two-parties preferred voting system. This put simply means that you can take the easy route and put a 1-4 at the top half of a ballot - then the parties will haggle/barter for the preferences from smaller parties and "independents" or you can take the time on the lower half of the ballot paper to number every box (up to about 70 depending on parties and independents) to specify your preferences. This second option it seems is far too taxing and time consuming for the average Aussie citizen, seeing how elections have a nasty way of getting in the way of going down to the pub to get pissed.
The downside is that the major parties do all sorts of dodgy backroom deals with the independents and smaller parties in order to get a majority - often going against their own core values and policies. And of course you end up with all sorts of nutters running as independents who end up holding the balance of power in hung parliaments. Combine this with the fact that there are very few differences between the two major parties and you have the recipe for what we've had for the last few years here - nutjobs holding the two major parties to ransom pushing their own weird agendas and two vanilla parties who might as well argue over black is white etc.
The solution? Well. Go back to a "one man, one vote" system whereby each vote in the ballot only goes to one party/candidate. This I feel would shift the emphasis from charismatic politics to policy driven decision making at the ballot box - people would be far less inclined to 'throw their vote away' or even donkey vote if it meant that the other guy had a greater chance of getting in. I would also keep compulsory voting, however at 18 (the legal age to vote) I would have a compulsory Political Quotient test. The purpose of the test would be to ostensibly test the voters simple understanding of the process and why they need to cast a thought out ballot. Those who fail the test could resit at age 20.
(, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 5:01, 23 replies)
Biblically correct.
Click for bigger (85 kb)
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buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 16:15,
21 replies)
if it could ever work on a practical level, it would be good to vote per major policy rather than per useless partyso an education vote, an NHS vote, etc. as it would be impossible to administer in practice, i'd bring back gladiator contests (roman style not stupid costume style) for politicians.
not sure how many of the losers would get a mercy thumbs up from the crowd, but it's a risk i'm willing to take. especially if we can have a threeway battle between farage, miliband and cameron for the opening fight of the season.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 15:37,
26 replies)
sue perkins for pm(
The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 13:18,
6 replies)
I say we take offand nuke the entire planet from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.
(, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 11:37, 3 replies)
The B3tan Republics of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and LondonOkay, here's my dream for the UK's future, and yes, I am a raving mad socialist. So shoot me.
1. The four nations of the United Kingdom and the city of London shall become politically and economically independent from each other, but shall be compelled to enter a free trade arrangement with each other.
2. Each nation will be compelled to have a written constitution, and any changes to said constitutions must be approved via a public referendum.
3. The monarchy shall be completely abolished, and the majority of their property and wealth shall be taken into the public domain.
4. All industries that employ more than 1% of the population or are considered essential to the functioning of the country (e.g. public transport) shall be nationalised.
5. The nations, particularly England because of its size and population, shall be compelled to use a federal system of government and devolve extensive powers to local communities.
I'm going to leave it to you guys to draft the constitutions of these new nations, and to add anything you'd like to see in your particular B3tan republic.
Update: the position of Media Secretary for England shall be decided by a fight to the death between Katie Hopkins and Russell Brand.
(, Sun 26 Apr 2015, 19:41, 8 replies)
A b3ta ManifestoI'd implement the following policies upon taking over the site from the cold, emaciated corpse of Rob:
1) A new board: /circlejerk
The usual circlejerkers can then compliment each other until their hearts fill with squee without polluting the rest of /board.
2) Public condemnation of Sickipedia
I would distance this site from the hateful collection of racists, misogynists and general creepy fucking weirdoes that Sickipedia seems to attract.
3) Instaban for nonces.
Amorous Badger and Dr Shambolic will be given god-level privileges to remove creepy nonces, rather than the current policy of letting them stay.
4) Two image challenges per week.
A public vote for the challenge that week with the winning subject lasting the week from Thursday and the runner-up running concurrently from the Monday-Thursday. Also, mods are barred from making suggestions or overriding the vote to stop them stockpiling images before the announcement.
I'm open to further suggestions.
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Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 26 Apr 2015, 12:12,
15 replies)
THE SKAGRAN MANIFESTOI am Dr Skagra and these are my policies - a 20-point plan to make this world I happen to be trapped on a better place. Most apply only to the United Kingdom but some (e.g. 1, 5 and 15) can be rolled out worldwide. And WILL be, if you VOTE SKAGRA!
1. I, Dr Skagra, to be made Supreme Commander of the planet Earth, its territories and satellites. All my commands to be obeyed immediately on pain of painful death. An enormous castle to be built somewhere nice by the sea for me to live within and rule from.
2. The televisual representation of that time-travelling tosspot ‘Doctor Who’ to be cancelled without hope of renewal. (I realise with some distaste that I share common ground with Ukip on this matter, however, I stand by this policy.)
3. The band Razorlight, their fans, friends, families and pets to be dropped into an active volcano.
4. The Fall to compose a new National Anthem for the UK.
5. The problem of immigration / migration / overpopulation and therefore hunger, poverty, inequality etc to be solved by the simple expedient of opening up the planet to alien invasion every five years. This would reduce the population of Earth as its inhabitants are either exterminated, converted, or carted offworld to alien slave camps. The following have registered expressions of interest in this scheme: the Daleks, Cybermen, Sontarans, Ice Warriors, Slitheen, Kraals, Terileptils, Nestenes, Drahvins, Sycorax, Zygons, Krotons, Axons, Dominators, Monoids, Krillitanes, Voords, and the Taran Wood Beasts.
6. The financial crisis, the credit crunch, the recession, the national debt. I would solve this simply by abolishing money. What you use in its place is up to you to sort out, but at least you wouldn’t have to worry about mortgages, loans, credit cards, pensions, and all that shite.
7. Royal Scot biscuits to be brought back.
8. Health. As a Time Lord, I am more or less immortal. I cannot die – not even in a fire – because we Time Lords have this thing called 'regeneration', a tumultuous biological upheaval that rearranges the cells in our body, renewing and rejuvenating, giving us a body and a new personality, often wildly different to the preceding ones. And at the end of our regeneration cycle we can get given a new one if we moan enough to the High Council. You, my poor sweeties, do not have this luxury, and live astonishingly brief mayfly lives, subject to the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. I would therefore enter into an agreement with the Sisterhood of Karn to make the Elixir of Life available on the NHS, to cure all your ills and ailments, even cancer, Ebola and AIDS.
9. Education. All teachers to be allowed to discipline their pupils in any way they see fit without fear of accusation of being a peadoe. ('Nonce alert! Nonce alert!' - there, I've saved you valuable time).
10. People who lick their fingers noisily during or after eating to be dropped into oubliettes.
11. Transport. All private motor vehicles to be banned unless required by need (e.g. disability). Cycling to be made compulsory (except for those unable due to disability, old age or infirmity). I will not touch the trains because I believe you stupid pudding-brained apes deserve some suffering in your lives, however, I will make it legal for you to brutally slaughter anyone who makes undue noise in a quiet carriage.
12. Defence. See Policy no. 5.
13.
14. Slavery to be reintroduced on a lottery basis. The National Lottery is to be retooled and rebranded for this purpose. Instead of financial prizes, there will be two sets of 1000 ‘winning’ numbers each week. The losing thousand will be forced to work for the winning thousand for a period of 18 months. There will also be a ‘bonus ball’ option where ten lucky winners will be allowed to track down and murder ten unlucky losers without fear of prosecution.
15. All religion to be abolished. There’s no such thing as God, and it is extremely embarrassing for you lot that belief still persists well into the 21st century. Anyone who still clings to their religion will be executed so that they can enjoy the glory of the ‘afterlife’ they so fervently believe in.
16. A certain Antipodean gentleman who I shall not very obliquely refer to as ‘Thief Pleasantresidence’ to be allowed back onto B3ta.
17. Nigel Blackwell to be made Poet Laureate.
18. Bullying of gingers to be made punishable by death, and all ginger-haired people
19. The environment. You stupid cunts have done such a fantastic job of fucking up your own planet that there is nothing that can be done to save Earth from certain doom. Recycle all you want, but you’ve got less than a hundred years, maybe a hundred and fifty, two hundred max. I therefore propose relocation of key individuals to another planet, probably Florana. These individuals will be chosen by myself. The rest of you can remain here to perish.
20. Free pickled onions for all.
So VOTE SKAGRA sweetiesze! Actually it doesn’t matter if you do or not, because I can always raise an army of giant cybernetic octo-badgers or something to subjugate you all. Either way I win!
LAIGH8TERSZ!
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(, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 16:56, 19 replies)
Ban people going into politics straight from universityMP's should have at least ten or fifteen years of either being employed, being unemployed or being in business before they're allowed to run for office. The whole scene now seems to be clogged with people who have no idea what life is really like for the majority of people in this country. Anyway, students are twats. Fuckin' students.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 23:42, 4 replies)
B3ta manifesto"Nonce" - this term should now become a term of endearment. An under utilised phrase, anyone labeled thus should be subsidised by anyone that uses the term "bins"
"Bins" this term should now become a term of disgrace. An overutilised phrase, anyone found using this term should now be known as a "nonce"
Fuck off, bins
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spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 23:30,
5 replies)
Make the "Royal Family" declare their earningsThen ask why we are contributing primarily to the civil list, and secondarily to their police protection, lovely train, houses bought by their predecessors etc..
We get a lot of shite from all parties about tax avoidance. How can it be enforced unless the irrelevant inbred occupants of big houses that we pay for are made accountable.
If you want them - public subscription. I support various charities via a small monthly contribution. The royal family could be supported in the same way by the Daily Mail frothers.
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The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 19:10,
19 replies)
A vote for me is a vote for burning Dr. Skagra.(
monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 18:34,
2 replies)
If I were elected my first priority would probably be to round up and execute everyone who submits unfunny copypasta from the 1990s onto moribund comedy websites.(
Zuowan, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 15:53,
4 replies)
Ban the following from the internet:
People who like kids *like that*
People who cannot spell or use correct grammar
People who think that replying "first" or "second" to a new thread is worthy
Ban the following from our TV screens:
Paddy McGuinness
That American weirdo magician who locked himself in a box over the Thames.
Noel Edmonds
DLT
Ban the following from this great country of ours:
Chavs
Benders
Forriners
Scroungers
(the above 4 pretty much make up most of b3ta's userbase)
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 15:30, 9 replies)
National referendum to bring back the death penaltyTwo questions on the card:
1: Do you want the return of the death penalty?
2: Given that the justice system is run by fallible and possibly corrupt humans, and that the eventual execution of an innocent person is therefore not only possible but actually inevitable, do you, personally, volunteer to be the first?
Anyone voting "YES/NO" is ignored, because what they are saying is "I want the return of the death penalty, but only if it only applies to other people". Such people should not have their views taken into consideration for anything.
Anyone voting "YES/YES" gets their vote counted. In the event they're in the majority (or even if they're not...), they're rounded up and executed (for which they have volunteered, remember), and then we run the vote again.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 14:15, 16 replies)
This question is now closed.