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This is a question Bastard Colleagues

You've all known one. The brown-nosing fucker, the 'comedian', the drunk, the gossip and of course the weird one with no mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr Majika and sports a monk's haircut (and is a woman).

Tell us about yours...

Thanks to Deskbound for the idea

(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 9:09)
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Suffer the little children
"Why has Colleague X been given a parking space?"

"Because she has children. She has to do the school run."

"And that would be why she gets her teaching scheduled for post-10am and pre-4pm?"

"Yes, she has to arrange child care."

"And that would be why she's done no research for five years, and why we have to cover for her at the drop of a hat?"

"Er, yes."

LISTEN UP BREEDERS! So you gave the gift of a child to the world. Thanks a fucking bunch. It doesn't make you special, it doesn't make you a better person, it does not give you some unique and lofty perspective on the world, and it certainly should not entitle you to a bloody car parking space. You made a lifestyle choice; deal with it. And if you ever, ever say to me "if you had kids you'd understand" then I'll unleash the paedophiles.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:31, 31 replies)
You have just
made me smile for the first time today with that last sentence, nicely done!
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:35, closed)
Tell me about it
I know of a small accountancy firm that took on a girl, she instantly got pregnant, took 6 months maternity pay and then quit. She did about a weeks amount of work. She basically crippled the firm because they had to pay her and couldn't afford to take anyone else on.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:37, closed)
it's sad
because I like children. Well, okay, that's a lie - they're small and hard to operate, but I'd like to have children someday. I just fear turning into a parent. I can't convince myself that I won't turn into one of _those_ *shudder*. Only one person I have worked with has never used her kids as an excuse. She's lovely, her kids are normal, no concessions are expected. Why can't they all be like that?
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:41, closed)
Yeah... We've got the whole company on hold because one of the managers is twatting about deciding if to come back from maternity leave or not.

Ah well, I'm leaving in a couple of weeks because they wouldn't let me take my entitled holiday...

Rant over... Sorry.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:42, closed)
A woman I know . . .
Got 12 months maternity leave, and told them before the last month she wasn't coming back. As soon as 'Willow', the hippy baby, wasn't cute anymore Mummy decided she wanted her old job back even though they had rehired. They created another position for her, her own office, better pay and she even brings the baby to work! Jesus jumping Christ on a bike!
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:47, closed)
if you had kids ...
... you'd be able to do the same.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:47, closed)
To quote Terry Pratchett:
"If seems when someone gets a label saying 'mother', everyone else gets a little part of the label saying 'child'."

Slightly paraphrased as I can't remember it exactly.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:49, closed)
One of my coworkers has been given special treatment because she has a family. she works 9.15 - 5.15 Monday-Friday (the rest of us have to work 2 evenings a week, and we work 5 Saturdays out of 7) and she's always late! Takes the piss, innit
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:00, closed)
People who use their kids as an excuse are twats who cry wolf...I had a work colleague who insisted on having their mobile on all the time because they had a sprog....They were constantly using it and interrupting work ( I worked in a call center) I listened in to the conversation one day...it was all about doing the shopping..I was so annoyed ( I was manager at time) that I got the agency in to give them a bollocking..
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:07, closed)
Working parents
Unfortunately one or two tar the reputation of the rest.

Girl I used to work with is a single mum, okay she was ten mins late some mornings but had no qualms about staying late. She did a great job too.

I guess it's about establishing boundries, those who take the piss and use their kids as an excuse are usually those who are unable to comprehend that just because their snot nosed brats are the centre of their universe, they aren't the centre of yours too. You know the types, they'll stand in the way of a toilet cubicle giving you grins and nodding at their brat endlessly "can you go for a wee wee Tarquin?", oblivious to the queue of annoyed folk who's right to pee they're blocking.

And rest.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:13, closed)
I love kids....
I just couldn't eat a whole one....Sorry!

I hate people who think women who don't have kids are wierd.

I hate people who think that just because they have kids we should all bow down to their reproductive greatness. Hell, any fool can have kids. It takes a special type of person not to have them.

(Can you tell I don't have them).
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:38, closed)
Two bints
In my office had kids, and even though they were only part time at the drop of a hat they would take the severe piss... coming in late, leaving early, but the worst thing was as soon as I got to go somewhere interesting, or do something externally - they would magically be able to find cover - But when large orders had to go out and we were all working over time in the warehouse - guess who left dead on the dot, from the warm office - bint - I hate kids.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:46, closed)
I hate children.
All of my colleagues who have spawned so far keep expressing amazement at this, they can't comprehend it.

Annoyingly, they keep telling me that "I'll love them once I have my own". I hate children, don't want to have any, so I wish they'd stop trying to force them on me!

/rant over.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:06, closed)
BGB / BobFossil
Hear fucking hear! I never wanted kids, never have, never will (OK, my other half has one, but he comes with the package and that's OK). I get heartily pissed off when people coo and swoon over their babies and children, and ask me when I'm having any, usually with the magic phrase 'You'd make a great dad' to hammer home the point.

No I wouldn't, I'd make a shit dad, I know my limitations, and I'm not particularly fond of children (nieces and nephew and Jack notwithstanding). I just don't want the lifetime responsibility of my own spawn, sorry - and if that makes me a selfish bastard, then fine.

The world's overpopulated enough, without unleashing a torrent of mini-Davros' on the world just because people expect it of me.

Sheesh. Ironically, the no kids thing is probably the one thing me and the ex still agree on. Ironic then that we both have 'step' offspring.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:26, closed)
I just had
a student come to me and tell me she couldn't do her group project. Reason? She has children. My comment? "And?". Apparently she can't get enough childcare to do her compulsory coursework, work she plagiarised last year which is why she's repeating it this year. The department is sympathetic. I'm not.

There are days when I read b3ta and I get a little glow inside because people think the same things as me which makes me less of a freak than I thought. This is one of those days. yay.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:34, closed)
On a related topic
A mate of mine once asked his boss for an extra week's holidays, because he didn't smoke. He calculated the hours spent outside by some of his smoking colleagues and it added up to about 40 in a year.

His request wasn't granted though. He did however get a 5 grand pay rise shortly afterwards, but I think that's becuse he's good at his job!

For the record - I've got no kids, and am happy for it to stay that way.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:40, closed)
I have an ex-g/f
who was desperate to get in the family way. Lovely girl, but hugely damaged unfortunately.

Towards the end of the relationship it was "baby-baby-baby" 24-7 and was really, really wearing me down. "You'll love it if it's your own" was not enough for me to knock her up and kiss goodbye to any notion whatsoever of having a life of my own. She popped over to see my friends for coffee, the tears flowed and subsequently they joined in sitting me down and TELLING me to breed.

Chaos, recriminations and fallings out ensued.

If I gave any consideration whatsoever to the notion that I might want to father children at some point, I was pressured for detailed timetables, ie "when do you think you'll want kids?" and "I need to know!" morning, noon and night. By the time I called the relationship quits, I had it on good authority from more than one source that she was considering "accidentally" missing her contraceptive pill. No exaggeration, I was actively researching where I could get myself vasectomized.

Personally, I get a lot of satisfaction knowing that my friends who have kids feel great about having them. I myself have two fantastic nieces who I love dearly. The irony is that I'm actually reasonably good with kids and dating someone who has them does not faze me in the slightest.

However, excessive cooing over babies and all things nappy related is usually an excellent way of alienating me.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:45, closed)
Think you might have hit a nerve there...
There's a couple of single mothers working in our dept, and a couple of non-single ones; most are fine, but S will go on about her sodding little bastard. Something about her not wanting me to tread on its tiny bawling head.

Suffer theing little children. Ah...
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 20:15, closed)
My former boss decided she wanted to work from home after having her second kid in 18 months (she was lierally not pregant for a matter of weeks).

Then threatened court action if they refused.

Instead she got some cushy stay at home position on her manager's pay and does about an hours work a week, cos my company were too scared to take her (and the law) on and argue that she couldn't possibly be a manager if she wasn't in the office.

Mind you, she was a shit boss anyway.
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 8:14, closed)
We're not all that bad
I am a working single parent and it really gets on my nerves when other women do that kind of thing. If you have a child thats great, but don't expect the world to revolve around you because of it. If they can't do the job then they should get another one (at lesser pay if they're not doing as much).
Saying that, there are times when a little bit of understanding is required - my supervisor is convinced my maternity leave was some kind of holiday, it really wasn't, we both nearly died and i had horrendous pnd. but he still looked at me like i was a slacker when i asked him for a week off holiday 6 mths later. But then he is a git
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 9:52, closed)
it is nice to find....
that b3ta is full of like minded individuals.

I'm another one of the sort where people say "you'd make a great dad"

similar to whoever said it earlier. I wouldn't. I know my limits, and I don't think I would cope well with the responsibility.

or the lack of sleep. or money. or free time.

I can appreciate the rewarding feeling of raising some well rounded human beings, but I don't want to have to go through the 20 years before they turn into one.

also, what if they turn out to be a cunt.

the only good reasons for having kids that I can see are to look after me when I'm old and to score me drugs when I no longer have the contacts
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 11:42, closed)
Perfect last paragraph
Much respect.

To be fair there are a lot of parents out there who don't take the piss but the few that do milk it far too much.
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 13:19, closed)
In my opinion...
...if you're going to plan to have a child, that plan should also include how you're going to afford it, and how you're going to structure your life and work around it.

No different from getting a dog.
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 16:58, closed)
And another thing about kids...
I have to admit that since I'm now over 30 & have a nephew & niece, kids have become less of a scary thing you catch from unsafe-sex these days...

However, what does annoy the hell out of me is the offensive noise they make! In the olden days, there were smoking & non-smoking areas. Why was there no 'non-screaming spoiled little bastard' area in the pub/restaurant?

If I've had a skin-full the night before, why can't I chew my way through a Sunday roast in peace without having to put up with screaming kids making that high-pitched noise that drills right into my scull? It ruins it!

These days, people (like me) making anti-social tobacco smells have to stand outside so they don't disturb the pink-lunged. If your kids are noisy, they shouldn't be in the pub either...

Don't get me started on long overnight bus journeys, there really should be a law!

Sometimes the spirit of Fred West stalks the lounge bar...
(, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 14:16, closed)
Being a new parent of almost 3 months
I mostly agree with the sentiment on this page, I hope I would never take advantage like some of those mentioned.

But, you non-breeders have to realise:
Children are not self-sufficient and they often break down. We mothers (and it is usually the mothers) have to be on hand and they are more important than work.
They are the most important things to us, and we rarely have anything else going on so sue us if we talk about them - having said that, I am glad that none of my friends have kids, so I can talk about something else.
And to the asshole who tutted at me in the bank when my baby was crying; there isn't an off switch, ok? The noise annoys me too and I don't know what was wrong with her. You only had to put up with it for about 3 minutes, I'll have whenever she see fit for about another year and a half before she can tell me what's bothering her.
(, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 16:59, closed)
*Puts hand up*
Yes, single mother of two.

However having children *is* a choice and not a disease. They can be fantastic but ultimately they are PEOPLE - so some of them are irritating gits (not mine of course...ha! If only...).
They smell.
They're rude.
They get in the way.
They think the entire world revolves around them.

But the same is true of the elderly.

Personally I'm of the opinion that give and take is good in any relationship - including that of employee and boss. Turn up late (for whatever reason) then you do a bit extra at the end of the day. Call in sick because you've got to take the cat to the vet/ take granny to have her corns done/ stay home with a vomiting child then you make up the time as best you can.

Kids are not an excuse, but then neither is caring for an elderly relative and the way the birthrate is going soon I'm sure there will be more of us caring for some old dear who smells of wee rather than some tiny thing who smells of wee. Both however are facts of life.

But we do have marginally more control over producing babies than having elderly relatives.

I had a student moaning to me the other week that she couldn't get things done because she was a single mother of two. I told her very quickly that so am I and it doesn't stop me.

Children should not be used as excuses or as a reason to get a parking space.

Including those bloody parent and child spaces at supermarkets! When my twins were babies I could never get in to one because some lazy cow with teenagers was always parked in there! Grrrrr
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 22:21, closed)
Baby Rabies

I'm 24. I don't want them. I don't think I ever will. I'm sick of having to pick up the slack from the people who do.
(, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 11:18, closed)
There are kids and then there are kids
I once hugely upset a single mother who took exception when I grimaced at an archetypal chavette in faded leggings and a baggy jumper shouting "Waaaaaayne, fahkin pakkidin!" across a crowded supermarket at her noisy and undisciplined offspring.

"What am I s'pposed to do, leave 'im in the car innit?".

Well yes. Leave him anywhere away from you, because clearly you don't have a scooby.

Sometimes you have to question whether an involuntary sterilization programme is such a bad idea after all.

*goose steps away from QOTW*
(, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 0:14, closed)
careful now PJM!
If you use words like "eugenics" you'll excite the resident bioethicist!
(, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 12:18, closed)
The older I get, the more I agonise over the dilemma of childbearing, and Vipros sums it up beautifully above: what if they turn out to be a cunt?

Radio 4 should never have serialised "We Need to Talk About Kevin"
(, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 12:20, closed)
Well, there are some fantastic (and not necessarily plural) parents out there who manage to ensure their children are well mannered and charming. More of this please.

However, it should be noted that you need to pass a test before you can drive, you need to sit an exam before you gain a qualification and you need said qualification before you can get a job.

However, round my way the only qualification required prior to conception is a crate of Hooch.
(, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 14:47, closed)

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