Don't! Just Don't!
I once bit into one of those Anadin Ultra liquid-filled ibuprofen tablets. It was over 10 years ago but I remember vividly where I was, what film I was watching on the telly at the time, what day of the week it was and that I will NEVER do it again.

If you've ever done this, you'll know what I mean! Everyone else will think (quite rightly) that I am an utter, utter moron!
( file_id.diz is going to need a bigger drill, Thu 26 May 2011, 19:05, 11 replies)

No Funniez here
Tesco finest Sri Lankan Chicken Soup... It's fucking BEAUTIFUL! Ive ate it every day for a week for my lunch.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 26 May 2011, 19:04, 4 replies)

We used to have a fruit tree in our backyard.
For some reason, the fruit was always either delicious, or disgusting.

It was the best of limes, it was the worst of limes.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 26 May 2011, 18:59, 5 replies)

Chapatti at a festival.
Last year I went to Bestival. On the whole it was an excellent, well organised affair. Anyhow, on the first night I decided I wanted one of those Chapatti wraps from one of the van thingies. I go up and order whatever it was I decided on, got the additional sauces and all that. I took a bite, something wasn't right, there was a hint of vomit, no, not a hint, it tasted of full-on vomit.

I gave my housemate a bite and asked him what he thought it tasted of.
"Tastes of sick, actual sick that. It's fucking hanging mate."
I take another bite just in case it magically tasted better.

It didn't taste any better. At least it didn't give me the shits.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 26 May 2011, 18:46, Reply)

Noodles and Black Bean Sauce
Well I’m hardly going to miss the opportunity to trot out another African tale am I?

Once you’ve got used to eating gristle African street food isn’t really that bad – boring maybe, but not really offensive, and in fact the area around Niamey seems to be a centre of culinary excellence where the salad stalls knock up fantastic egg salads with ace dressing.

Things got a little dodgy in the upper reaches of the French Congo as the meat came courtesy of the pygmies who would have to carry the carcasses though the bush for several days before selling it in Pokola market. The women who worked the big iron pots along the airstrip used to knock up some seriously high meat stews, and when you enquired as to the content of said stew the answer was always the same – “Viande de brusque” (bush meat). While there I saw, and probably ate, crocodile, elephant, a smoked monkey split vertically à la Damien Hurst, and a strange animal that I photographed in pieces that nobody has ever been able to identify:


One of the ladies was getting pissed off with the local scallys not paying her so one evening she spiked her pots with poison – she meant to make them sick as a punishment but a dozen people died and I learned about this when I asked about the lynch mob that had gathered around the local gendarmerie – I’m glad I wasn’t at her pots that night.


But the strangest meal of all was one I cooked myself in the Kalahari desert. I was on my own and had spent a hard day slogging up the Trans-Kalahari highway, and at dusk I turned off the deserted road to find a quiet spot for the night. As I didn’t have anything fresh too cook, and I was out of corned beef, I cracked open a bag of Chinese instant noodles and dumped the contents into the pot of water that I’d boiled on the open fire.

It’s always a good idea to show as little light as possible as you never know who might be lurking in the desert darkness, so I kept the fire small, and ate in the dark. It certainly wasn’t my finest culinary effort – the black bean sauce was tasteless and the black beans themselves were bitter and crunchy, so after eating about half the bowl I packed up the camp kitchen, stowed it in the back of the Land Rover (otherwise jackals and hyenas will chew right through your pots and pans) and retired to my roof tent to listen to the scavengers yapping away before dropping off into a deep tranquil sleep.

In the morning I opened the boot to make some coffee, and do my washing up. It turned out that the black beans were in fact small beetles that had been attracted by the water in my pot (they won’t see much water in the Kalhari so I guess they wanted to make the most of it). As it boiled they curled up and died, and then I scoffed them down with black bean sauce. Still, think of the protein.

Length? 18 months and 70,000km
(strongp, Thu 26 May 2011, 18:34, 7 replies)

Steak in Argentina.
Has anybody else tried it? You can eat it even if you have no teeth. Ten years later and I still yearn for it!

As for worst, well, there's a lot of contenders. I'll come back to that one (as it did to me).
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 26 May 2011, 18:30, 12 replies)

And with that, he stuck his finger up my arsehole, saying 'Eat blue cheese to kill the bugs.'
He said "Please take down your trousers and lie sideways on the table."

I remember being brought into an examination room, there was a bloke in a white coat.

At death's door, they drove me to a hospital.

The band manager came in, felt my burning brow and with my mate put me in his car.

My mate went to tell the band manager I was dying.

I was burning up, then freezing, then burning up.

The next day I was lying in bed feeling TERRIBLE. DYING.

I ate a lot of them.

After one concert we had a big spread with losts of OYSTERS.

Touring in Spain.
(roysin, Thu 26 May 2011, 18:26, 7 replies)

Polar opposites
Best : Tornedos Rossini (very thick, very rare steak on biscuit with wine gravy)

Worst : Chitlins (washed out boiled up pig's shit-pipe)
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 26 May 2011, 18:21, 5 replies)

The WORST thing I've ever eaten
Has to be the raw quail's egg from a sushi joint I once went to. I now know how the girls in bukkake films feel... ugh
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Thu 26 May 2011, 18:17, 1 reply)

Curse you, Asterix the Gaul!
A few years ago the tribe went to Parc Asterix for the day. Rather than taking along a cheapskate picnic we decided to eat in one of the caffs. As we trundled along the display I spied some very tasty-looking rustic sausages and decided to have some. Mrs Jannie was going to have them but changed to ham at the last minute.

We sat down, I took a bite of sausage and couldn't do anything but spit it back onto the plate. I've never tasted anything so vile in my life before or since; it's one of those experiences where the foulness fills your whole head. Meanwhile, a French family arrived at the table next to us, all bearing plates of interesting sausages. They piled into them as if they would be their last meal. Funny lot, foreigners.

I shared my better half's ham and only found out later that these were andouillettes, a speciality of Lyon. I also found out that they're mainly filled with chopped pig guts. That explained a lot.
(The Jannie, Thu 26 May 2011, 18:16, Reply)

Not fucking this.
www.b3ta.com/board/5158941
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 26 May 2011, 17:55, 5 replies)

France V USA
best meal ever...Lobster Bisque followed by Surf and Turf cooked by a michelin star chef at a guesthouse in france (it was his guesthouse that he'd only just started renting out and we paid the standard DBB rate that you would have got from a novatel :D)
worst meal ever...Anything cooked by the Yanks that isn't a Burger.
(Bushcricket, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:47, 16 replies)

Bacon sandwich!
It's the god of foodstuffs.
It converts vegetarians back to their natural, omnivorous state.
It's so easy to make, and yet so rewarding to eat. You can even do it when utterly drunk.
It's versatile. Add ketchup, brown sauce or mustard. Put in an egg. Make it into a BLT.
Everyone who watches that Hovis ad of the bacon frying then the sandwich being constructed involuntarily dribbles a little. I don't even know if the ad's for Hovis, it could be for anything, all I notice is that sandwich.
How many of you lot now want a bacon sandwich?
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:41, 5 replies)

Best piece of trolling I've seen recently is when Gonzo convinced people that posting about their lunch would make an excellent idea for humorous anecdotes.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:34, 5 replies)

Worst
A cold chicken's foot. This may be a Chinese delicacy, but I have never, ever come quite so close to hurling at the dinner table. Never again.
(anvil, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:30, 2 replies)

You know when you have a few almost empty beer cans around, to put fag and spliff-ends in?
When concentrating on something else, I once took a swig out of one of them. I can't remember if it was the sensation of the fag ends going down my throat or the consistancy of the ash-heavy beer that made me heave..

Meanwhile, the best thing I ever ate was a Lamb Biryani in Malaysia, complemented by a delicious fruit drink (they didn't serve booze). It was light years ahead of the fatty crap we get in this country.
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:24, Reply)

My girlfriends' neighbours roasted and ate a guinea pig once
It was her guinea pig, which she given them to look after while she was on holiday. When they told her, she cried. They laughed.
(electricteeth, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:20, 6 replies)

Dapted
When I was a youngun, my folks were poor as church mice, and wasting food was out of the question.
On the whole, it didn't matter much - my mum was a wonderworker with leftovers. One chicken dinner became a kind of week-long chicken continuum: chicken quiche, chicken soup, chicken risotto, etc.

This would all be great except for one thing: She didn't give a crap how it tasted. As far as she's concerned, it's just body fuel, and she leaves flavour to chance. So sometimes the resulting creations would be delicious, and sometimes they would not.
My youngest brother gave these creations the name Dapted (from Adapted), and the name stuck

Here then, is the list of Dapted infamy:

*Sprout and Haddock Quiche

*Christmas cake with the last dregs of gin, brandy, port, vermouth and tia maria in it.

*Mystery Risotto - with 48p tins of stewed steak, Certified fit for Human Consumption by the Meat Council of Mexico.

*Shepherd's pie with a one micron thick layer of meat, topped up with potato and, perversely, a hardboiled egg.

*Liver Soup
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Thu 26 May 2011, 17:18, Reply)

The best thing I've eaten
Fish supper with curry sauce, washed down with a bottle of banana bread beer. I've probably had better at some point but that took some beating.
(muzzvsworld, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:13, 3 replies)

Back in the day
*Hovis music plays*

Around the muddled time between Christmas and New Year the fridge was looking rather bare. I was around 9 or 10 years old at the time and sneaked out of my bedroom for a midnight snack after my Mum had gone to bed. There was nowt left for a decent snack, but there was a bowl with foil on it. Utterly convinced it was just soup or some sort of savoury dish I just took a mouthful without hesitation.

What a horrific mistake...

It was the leftover of the turkey, vegetables and other sauces, stuffing etc. I think the plan was to make something of it but must have been overlooked. The taste was foul and I've never had worse as of yet.
(muzzvsworld, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:11, Reply)

Velocipede disaster
I was cycling my flatmate's bike down the pavement, like some kind of 22-year-old cunt.

Aha, a dogshit on the pavement!

I cycled at it full pelt, only for the said piece of excrement to be flung up by the front wheel and straight into my kisser.

I cycled on the road from then onwards. And recommended my flatmate got mudguards.
( krang, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:10, 1 reply)

Swarfega
I used to run a printing shop at school, which generally meant the usual mucking about only with more ink. One day we got into a swarfega fight, using metal rulers to flick blobs at each other. Good clean fun, har har.

Until a blob sailed into my mouth. I can report that Swarfega doesn't have an unpleasant flavour; it has about twenty. I couldn't get the taste out of my mouth, and it would gradually morph through the entire spectrum of nastiness: bitter, soapy, acid, chemical; if there was a flavour that you wouldn't want to taste, it arrived sooner or later.

I don't recommend it.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 26 May 2011, 17:06, 1 reply)

Sausage of doom
During my high school days, my parents went out to dinner one night, leaving my younger brother and I to cook for ourselves. To assist in this, a package of sausages was left defrosting on the counter. Cheap sausages. Very cheap sausages, as it turned out.

I threw them under the grill and cooked them up, and we sat down and prepared to enjoy our meal. I skewered one with a fork and sliced the end off, and we both watched aghast as a torrent of fat poured forth from the ruptured sausage. For almost thirty seconds vile-smelling thick orange fat oozed out, seemingly in greater volume than that of the original banger. My sausages soon sat swimming in a pool of rapidly congealing grease that covered the entire bottom of the plate. My brother experimentally poked one of his snags with a fork, precipitating a similar eruption of fat.

We looked at each other, somewhat traumatised by the event. I hadn't cooked anything else for dinner. The sausages were all we had. Resigned to my fate, I raised the section of sausage to my mouth with steely resolve and bit down.

"So? How is it?" my brother enquired.


We ended up pooling our pocket money and ordering pizza.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:57, Reply)

Ready, steady: cook!
Baked beans + eggs = the worst omelette you have ever eaten...just a bowl of sloppy eggy goo that resembled the gruel they ate in the canteen of the Nostromo.
(oxygenthief, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:57, 2 replies)

I have an unresolvable debate with my friend Iain.
As to what tastes worse out of dog poo and PVA glue. I wish I could say this was a hypothetical pub debate like "who would win out of Spiderman versus the Taleban or Batman versus the I.R.A?"; I wish so much our discussions on the subject could be littered with riders like "probably" and "I imagine", but they can't.

Iain's experience first: The scene - primary school; the time - lunchtime, just after an art lesson. He has just finished his sandwich and is on to his tasty treat, a pot of yoghurt.

He's not sure exactly what went wrong but the popular theory is that he was absent-mindedly chatting to a friend, probably about jobbies. He reaches out to grab his lunch, but without looking he is not paying due attention, and grabs the yoghurt pot to his left. Of course, like all underfunded state schools, we kept our PVA in whatever containers were easily acquired.

The predictable happens. He has no reason to believe that the white gloop heading towards his boyish mug is anything but Onken's finest, and takes a load of polyvinyl acetate in his gob, long before he's old enough to have a bunch of gay jokes made at his expense about the matter. He characterises the taste as "the worst thing ever", and "indescribable". When pushed for adjectives, "bitter as fuck, chemical, chemical, chemical".

Now mine: We've moved onto high school by this stage and the favourite lunchtime activity among us laddish lads is football at the nearby Edinburgh Links. Because I'm rubbish at football and not especially popular I'm usually in goals, to the extent that I actually get okay at it; as such I actually did save the goal that I believe caused my downfall.

It was a muddy day but I made the dive anyway. I needn't tell you that the mud wasn't one hundred per cent soil plus water, but I couldn't have known that at the time. I did wash my hands afterwards, obviously, before I had my sandwich, but that didn't stop the most atrociously bitter, horrendous sensation flooding my mouth on the first bite. Strangely, it doesn't taste like it smells; it's worse. It tastes more like every horrible flavour you can imagine rolled into one and multiplied by five. It tastes, I suppose, like the worst thing ever. Indescribable.

I maintain dog turd must taste worse because our descriptions sound similar, even though I had washed all visible traces off my hands and experienced it by way of a sandwich, whereas he'd had a full-on spoonful. Either way: I really hope no-one can ever resolve this dispute.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:56, 1 reply)

the worst thing I've put in my mouth that's nominally labelled a foodstuff was an icelandic dish called Hakarl
it's basically shark meat that has been left to rot for months. You know when you leave fish outside for a few days, it get's that fishy putrifying smell. Well, that's the taste of Hakarl. Overpowering rotten fish flavour that triggers the vomit reflux as soon as it lands on your tongue. I've eaten many odd things in far-flung places, and mostly the percieved offensiveness is more in the mind than the physical sensation of eating it. Not with Hakarl. There's sound biological reasons why putrefying fish tastes awful. It seems legit, but I can't help but suspect it's just some evil prank they play on foreigners, the bjork-loving bastards
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:53, 7 replies)

I had a fantastic German sausage once.
Best würst ever.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:53, 4 replies)

Yoghurty repost
So a female friend of mine had some kind of funghal infection in her ladybits and the doctor told her the best way to deal with it was to apply natural yoghurt. Said ladyfriend started off dribbling a teaspoonful in, then a desert spoon with some light rubbing, then a cupful massaged in: you get the idea. She found it was a very pleasurable sensation and even after her infection was cured would regularly pleasure herself with a carton of yoghurt.

So having told me this while being, ahem, intimate, she suggested we should try sex with yoghurt as a lubricant. I couldn't think of a reason not too, so she liberally applied yoghurt to her parts and I plunged in. And yes, not at all unpleasant.

But there are some disadvantages:
- never fall asleep after sex with yoghurt all over you. It stinks.
- never have yoghurt sex when it's very hot. It goes all lumpy and looks like puke.
- never have yoghurt sex if you're very hairy. You can't wash it out and your genitals will smell like a dairy for days if not weeks.
- never give oral sex to someone who's got a hairy minge and has been wanking with yoghurt the whole summer.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:41, 2 replies)

Bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah-best. And also worst.
A few years ago a friend and I were dining in Hull’s premier steak restaurant*, The Lantern. The eating’s good in The Lantern; it’s a favourite of John Prescott no less. They do a lovely grilled trout and a stonking steak. That was the starter and the main course, and it was good.

For dessert, we thought we’d try the cheese board for two. What they gave us – well, the food itself wasn’t bad tasting, I guess, but it was a fucking disgrace nonetheless.

They brought it over and I just looked in amazement. It’s not the classiest restaurant in the world, but it’s not cheap: maybe £30 a head for three courses. The cheeseboard for two comprised half a packet of Jacob’s cream crackers, a quarter of a Boursin, a slice of President brie, and a Babybel. Between the two of us. A solitary fucking Babybel.

I burst out laughing when I had to cut the Babybel in two, and I didn’t stop from there. I got the loud and high-pitched giggles, and so then did my friend. We sat there, barely able to eat as we each consumed a Jacob’s cracker with half a Babybel on it, and my eyes started watering with the laughter.

I think we both agree that it’s the worst cheeseboard we’ve ever had, and possibly the worst in the history of civilised dining. But it was also the most fun I’ve ever had in a restaurant: a good half-hour of crying with laughter as the empty wrappers of Boursin and President lay next to the discarded rubber cuttings of a Babybell shell. The waitress was most bemused, and asked if we were alright, but we didn’t complain. How could you when you’re pissing yourself at what you’ve just eaten?

It was fucking brilliant in the end. Not many other meals stick in the mind like that one does.


*It may have been the second best. There are only two.
(Land of Green Ginger It's dreamy weather, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:40, 2 replies)

Best and worst meal
I was in Shanghai with some Chinese folks, who offered to take me out to a 'proper Chinese restaurant'. It was indeed fantastic, with many wonderful flavours. One thing in particular was a big bowl full of dark red strips of meat in a kind of Y shape, together with a load of sauces to dip them in. They were really yummy - it was like a Y shaped bone surrounded in meat, so a little tricky to eat.

Turns out they were ducks' tongues. I'm not particulary squeamish, so I kept stuffing them down. After about 30 they went rapidly from being the best thing I'd ever tasted to being the worst. Suddenly the bony thing kept getting stuck in my mouth, and the meat seemed to get stuck in my throat. I had to stop. Still, explains why you see so many silent ducks in China.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:40, 4 replies)