My brother
is a charmer. Last year he left his wife and three children under 4 for another bird, he's under audit from the tax dept., he's got creditors for his business after him and he made a false claim on his insurance to the tune of $NZ15 000 (about 5 000 pounds).

On top of that I found out he's been regularly giving out my name to the police when getting stopped for speeding.

Nonetheless I'm the black sheep of my family because I don't lie back and accept all this crap as him just being a unique individual with special needs of his own.

Wheee.....
(seanfish, Sat 15 Jan 2005, 1:09, Reply)

My Twin
no one will talk to the my twin brother,no one talks about him, everyone ignores him it's almost like no one knows he is there!
(Ajtag, Sat 15 Jan 2005, 1:07, Reply)

My dad's crap family
I sometimes make life hell for my dad (I'm 17) I shouldn't really, because he's a really kind and considerate person, and an absolute beacon compared to the rest of my dad's family. Let me tell you about the rest of my dad's family.

My dad was born in Wolverhampton in the 1950s to the landlady of the Wolverhampton Theatre (or maybe just "a theatre" in Wolverhampton, I'm not entirely sure) and the landlord of the local ECC Sports and Social Club, by all accounts an alcoholic racist, but he died before I can remember so I can't really judge him. Dad's mother had an ego the size of Denmark, she was one of those "life is a stage" types and used to act extravagantly at every opportunity. I make her sound like a drag queen but that's not entirely accurate because drag queens have some degree of decadence, whereas Nana just looked ridiculous. She was the result of a wanton girl getting her jollies off the navy in the "Roaring 20s" and no-one knows where the family tan comes from, but I digress. Somewhere in the wilderness of time, Nana saw "the light" and became a spiritualist. To this day you can't move in her house for tarot cards, balls and other assorted pieces of jiggerypokery intended to help one reach "the other side". She left her job, and from then on her income came from turning her house into a halfway house for Z-list celebs playing locally who couldn't be bothered to pay the fees at the W-ton Grand Hotel, sometimes you'd go into her lounge and see Rula Lenska/Paul Shane/The Roly Polies (one of which is my dad's godmother), which was very scary. So much was she enthralled with all this, that she spent 30 years going to hand-holding sessions in Iceland, or dancing around mountain-tops in Arizona wearing a native Red Indian headress (For a while she would only be referred to as "The woman who speaks to the wind"), that she forgot to... er... raise her children. So as you can imagine they became pikeys of the highest order. Luckily my dad flew the nest and joined the army, travelling over the world and I respect him for that decision, however his sister decided to earn a living by marrying as many rich men as possible, and his brother dossed around aimlessly before getting local goats' milk deliverer "Sherie" pregnant and "settling down to a married life", producing the three most pikey kids imaginable (the rich kind, the worst kind) and starting up a dodgy stolen furniture company. While this was happening, my dad was a Sargeant Major in the RAMC, he met my mum who was in the QARANC in Woolwich, and when they got together my "Nana" was horrified to discover that my mum was from a farm in deepest darkest Wales, and on meeting her treated her like some corn-chewing ricketts-riddled gypsy girl with no education. The truth was quite the contrary. Thankfully she got on like a house on fire with my mum's parents which helped them solve their differences. When I was born I became her favourite grandson because I was the only one who took in her spiritual brain-washing clap-trap, unlike the braindead protege of Phil and "Sherie" !! She actually used to make me stay for "decoupage" (mainly of roses, black cats...) weekends!! I tell no lie!! Thank God my mum weaned me off her in time before I started collecting dream catchers and carving passages from "Castle of Otranto" across my chest!!
Still, this side of the family were mildly tolerant and actually quite spirited/well-meaning, UNTIL (YES, THIS IS THE TURNING POINT IN THE STORY)

When my dad left the Army, he decided to work for his brother in the aforementioned "stolen furniture company" and 4 years later despite all attempts from my dad to make it kosher, my dad's brother (the owner) gets a massive fine and a court appearance. This convieniently happens exactly the same time as he was having an affair with unemployed pregnant tart "Jackie" who had 3 kids by 3 different men, and "Sherie" was suing for divorce. Plus his eldest daughter had recently nicked £2000 from him and spent the whole lot on clothes, booze, etc etc. So as you can imagine, my dad's brother was in a tight spot, but he dealt with the situation with tact and levity. He made my dad redundant. Bear in mind that my dad has recently been proven to be the best salesman in the county and at the time was making that company A LOT of profit. Also bear in mind that also working for the comapny was a one-eyed war-scarred dogsbody called "John" who was working whilst on unemployment benefits! Why this waste of space wasn't sacked instead is beyond me!!

You'd think that "Nana" would have supported my dad at this point, but no, in her wisdom she decided to support my uncle entirely in his decision, because he was closest to her (in terms of location, not love) showing just what a conceted evil irrational woman she was. This revived the rift between mum/Nana, this time bigger than it has ever been, and around that time she took the opportunity to show my parents what she really thought of them, by moving away and making the rest of the family swear never to tell where she had gone to. We have not spoken to anyone from that family since January 2000. They could all be dead for all we know.

Freakily enough she still had/has an obsession with me, she stills writes random poems and letters to me, along with ridiculously high amounts of money. That I'm not complaining with :) but what really gets me is that she chooses never to regard her own son and daughter-in-law, her own flesh and blood she just cast aside. I can never respect her after her actions over the years.

Apologies for length.
(knife_of_justice, Sat 15 Jan 2005, 1:05, Reply)

2 cousins and an uncle
1. My uncle. Who has borrowed the last years of my grandmother's life.
My uncle has foisted my cousins (his son from first marriage and another son and daughter from present marriage) on my grandmother for, on average, 4 days a week from the day the eldest was born, up until now. My gran is 83 today. Eighty Three. She's been raising his kids since she was 68. My gran has crippling arthritis in her hands. She's been registered blind for the last 6 years. The kids can't stay at their other grandparents because they are '66 years old and getting on a bit' I hate my uncle.

2. My uncle's son. The selfish ingrate.
The one who has practically lived with my gran for half his life. The one who tells my gran he is borrowing a five pound note from her purse and takes a twenty. The one, who at Christmas, bought my gran a box of Terry's All Gold, knowing that my gran can no longer eat chocolate due to old age. When asked why he bought them, he simply replied, "I know she can't eat them. She can give them to me."

3. My other cousin. Unrelated to the previously mentioned.
Calling her a blonde Essex girl would be somewhat inaccurate. She's from Kent. Terrible with money and relationships. After her first marriage ended, (18 months 1 kid, not bad) She soon found herself married again and sprog no. 2 shortly followed. Fast forward 3 years. £26,000 in debt, out of a job, marriage on the rocks. Luckily, she caught a good piece of the house market boom. Her and her husband sold up and made £70,000 on the sale of the house. Perfect for a new start you might think. But oh no, my poor cousin has to go into hospital for a hystorectomy. Every member of extended family sends flowers, cards, gifts etc. Cousin moves in with her mother for a spell. Cousin falls pregnant again. It shortly transpires that my cousin didn't have the hystorectomy that she told everyone she had. She'd actually spent £12,000 on plastic surgery. Tummy tuck and neck skin tightening. Her mother is not impressed. Asks her to get her act together and move back to her husband. They must be able to get a place together with the £35,000 they've got left. Surely? Nope! Remember that pregnancy I mentioned? It's not her husbands kid. It's his best friends. Oh, and she's spent £30,000 in 2 months on shoes, clothes, fags, booze and living the high life. She now has to live with her mother as she has no job, no money and an angry husband bashing on the door.
( fishsticks, Sat 15 Jan 2005, 1:01, Reply)

Total mystery
We have a black sheep in our family, but that's all I know, I think he was assigned to us or something.
I have thirty-six cousins, and through one stage or another I have met them all. Except one, his name is Robert. I have aked many relatives over the years about him, why haven't I met him, why no one talks about him etc. All I ever get is a dark, knowing look and then get told 'oh he's the black sheep of the family'.
If anyone knows my cousin Robert, please enlighten me... What did he do!!!!!
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Sat 15 Jan 2005, 0:41, Reply)

My relatives are all cranberries
My grandfather seriously beat both my mother and aunt (which contributed to her going a bit odd). Nobody likes him because he's a stuffy, boring old man, and he was a git to his kids.

My dad's brother married a posh girl who proceeded to have 2 kids with him (one of whom has learning difficulties) then fuck off to the middle of Europe. In the middle of moving house with my uncle. So he's forced to look after 2 kids (inc. 1 spack), get divorced, and move house, all at the same time. Consequently, he had a heart attack (right in front of the kids!) a few years later, but he's alright now. A truly decent bloke, unlike my twunt of an estranged aunt.

Similarily, my dad's other brother has been filing for divorce from his wife for 8 years, but she's been refusing to grant it because that way she gets a moleste amount of money from him each month. No-one has spoken to her for years.

My dad is also becoming a pariah, after divorcing my mother for some fat bird, fiddling the law so he pays only #70 a month to his 2 sons, and being a general tightwad. Example: Despite raking in moleste amounts of money, instead of buying us suits, he attempted to make my brother and I wear our school uniforms to his wedding, with different ties. Naturally my mum bought us suits, and everything went well. Also, he gave me a can of Carlsberg for my birthday, in the box to a pair of DC skate shoes to get my hopes us. Nobhead. Oh yeah, and his new wife (who is what Vicky Pollard will become in 25 years) is making him see his real kids less and less, instead making him spend quality time with his "new family" (read: look after them while she swans about doing nothing much in particular).

Hmmm...
(youthink, Sat 15 Jan 2005, 0:35, Reply)

Dear Auntie
She really didn't care what anyone thought. It was a treat driving her around to make cold calls on her enemies: ask her to stop smoking and she'd blow smoke in your face; ask her to stop farting and a rank stench filled the car.

She went out in a blaze of diabetic glory. Panels of doctors insisted she had to get her rotten, gangrenous, gas-filled legs amputated. She told the entire lot of sawbones to fuck off. Got her way too!

Anytime any professional gives me advice nowadays, I reminisce about how Dear Auntie would handle it.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 15 Jan 2005, 0:23, Reply)

Uncle Tom
My Uncle Tom, it has to be said, is a bit of a twat. He soon met up, fell and love with and married a lovely lady. The only problem? She wasn't a moleste fan of her new mother-in-law. In fact, she downright refused to let Tom, or their children spend too much time with her. And so, my lovable dear old gran would spend every Christmas knocking on their door, handing presents to her grandchildren before being hastily shoved.

It all took a turn for the worst when she was in town, buying pointless shite like grans do, when she ran into an old friend. They talked about the weather, the price of whiskey, etc. And before they left, the conversation went along the lines of:

"Oh. And congratulations on your new grandchild."

"My new what?"

Turns out they'd had another child without informing any member of this family. The best part was that my gran really didn't give a toss anymore.
(CowInParachute, Sat 15 Jan 2005, 0:08, Reply)

The white sheep...
My communist father suffered from chronic depression (not meaning to belittle depression, but he did use it to excuse his shoplifting and abusive habits) and he also professed his great admiration of Hitler and yes, I do realize that contradicts the communist bit! - he also disowned me for several years because I had a "darkie" for a best mate, my hardcore roman catholic mother was an alcoholic (although she successfully went on the wagon a few years back) and had a long term affair with a workmate of mine, I have three sisters – two are gay (...not that there's anything wrong with that...) and both are very much into ecstasy and marijuana (one of them seems to have never recovered from a bad LSD trip) and the third one’s just divorced so I’ll have to wait and see about her, my adopted brother served jail time for robbing an elderly employer, an uncle abandoned his family years ago and last I heard he was running a “bar” in Thailand and my grandparents had their first kid when they were 14 - back in 1919 when this was a mega taboo. (That’s a just a small sample for you!)

Me? I’m the white sheep of the family. Married, well adjusted and loving family of my own, never been in trouble with the law, always been gainfully employed, never inhaled, etc, etc…

I’m not sure where I went wrong, but I promise to seek counseling.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 22:10, Reply)

Dear god this is a depressing question!
Mine goes back quite a few years - sometime before WW1.

A relative of mine in Australia discovered his wife was having an affair. Apparrently, the Judge would have been willing to accept that hacking her to death with a hatchet was a crime of passion had he not returned a little later to set fire to the remains. This was considered to be going a little too far, and so intead of imprisonment he was hanged.

Every time I tell that story I think back to a "family history" session in high school, and can still see the look of dawning horror my teacher's face! Ahh, memories!
(Not very much gravitas at all, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 21:59, Reply)

My "stepfather"
Black sheep in both our family and his family.
He siphoned off all of his mums inheritance which was held in trust for his kids.
He's a kiddyfiddler.
Most recently, his twin sister passed away (great lady) and he went to the house while her kids were at the funeral home and nicked all the family heirlooms - jewellry and that kind of thing.
After telling his son exactly what he'd like to do to his stepdaughter, he now gets beaten up on a regular basis.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 21:58, Reply)

Some people....
One of my uncles - hard rinker, heavy smoker (untipped), sold dodgy motorbikes, slept around like nothing on earth, left Cambridge in what he calls a 'parting of ways'.
My dad - straight as nails, doesn't drink much, no drugs, Oxford degree, successful copper.

And my *dad's* the black sheep? Crazy family, my lot.
(The Mysterious ., Fri 14 Jan 2005, 21:57, Reply)

Answer to two questions
i missed last weeks question , because i had nothing to say but i heard something today

in kent (wooohooo to all those livin in ashford its a crap town) we have this radio station called invicta fm i hate it i lothe it the music is terible and the DJ's taste in music is very slim no more than 15 indivdual songs are played a day, so as you can expect they are very stupid their ignorance lead into new realms today when they asked a simple question to this quiz to win something, they asked, how long does it take for the earth to spin on its axis, by the way for those who are still 4 and havnt been through primary school yet the answer is 1 day the person on the other end said a year which is bad in itself but the dj said wow i couldnt of got that SPACK

anyway for this weeks question i have a great uncle who was aparntly a getaway driver for the new york mafia, worse is i look alot like him >< apolgise for the long post and eratic spelling
(weefreemen102, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 21:56, Reply)

my sister 'J'
swore that my mother wasn't of sound mind when she died and could'nt understand why my OLDER sister 'S' was executive of the will and chose to spilt the MEAGER inheritance three equal ways.

even though i was now without a place to live, she thought she deserved more money because she had a (well paid) husband and kids.

so yeah, we haven't spoken in awhile....
(travbot, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 21:18, Reply)

More like black widow, really
My stepaunt's last husband died and left her a shitload of money. She's now married to my own uncle.

Everybody tries to be pleasant about it, but behind her back...
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 21:03, Reply)

No, really, that's fine...
My cousin didn't come to my wedding because she had to queue up for Backstreet Boys tickets.

But they sold out before she got to buy any. Ha ha!
( Sydney Bintstow, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 20:54, Reply)

Gotta be my grandad
All was well in the world of the reefus- family until Gran died a few years back. When she passed on, Grandad expected my mum to do all his cooking and cleaning.

When she said no, he flipped and they barely spoke after that. He then decided to do awful things like cut up family photos and take them out of them and post them through the door and also stand at the top of the path and just stare through the front door.

Thankfully, he moved away about two years later, but it wasnt particularly pleasant!
(reefus-, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 19:48, Reply)

Gotta love those parents
SO, very black and goes baa is my biological father. (note NOT dad)

Anyway, such a fantastic catholic from an Irish background, had several affairs, then after taking a swing at my Mum, she chuched him out and divorced him.

I hardn't think it's a record, but he once went 10 years without so much as a phone call. Nice man.
(Lympicita, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 19:32, Reply)

my mums ex husband...
lets call him Nigel(because thats his name)... well he was a particularly evil bastard, he'd constantly punish/smack about my three older siblings for literally no reason when they were young and managed to have one of them (and my mum) still talking to him until last year, when he said to them that our mum was a crap parent, and no ones spoken to him since.

when my gran first met my mums next husband (my dad) she said to him "how do i know you're going to a better husband to her than Nigel?" to which my dad replied "well, i have a massive cock"
luckily my mums very forgiving....
(PAMPAMPAM, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 18:59, Reply)

Pure Class
My Gran comes from a family of 15, and basically I'm related to half of Swindon. Our most recent black (er) sheep came when my mum's cousin was arrested for 'indecent acts' with a 15 year old boy. His brother, realising that he would get beat up in prison for this, decided he was going to get arrested too; to keep his older bro safe.
Clever, no? After committing some kind of car crime, he got 2 years. And got sent to a different prison.

*sigh*
(Valensin, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 18:30, Reply)

I'm an out cast yay!
Me lives in the good ol' Nor'n Ireland, and I's a reluctant cafflick, (don't believe in god, and go to a protestant school), anyways, our old family, the flemings, were big rich protestant landowners, and their son (my great grandpappy) fell in love with a shoeless country cafflick... of course the parents were none too pleased with this, as it was sin or whatever, and so used their wealth to try and persuade him not to marry her, they offered him a luxury cruise, which by today's terms is a million quid, and in return he merely had to stop seeing her... he of course refused and a wee while later I was born... but the interesting thing is the name of the ship that he was offered a cruise on... the S.S. Titanic...

^_^ I like the story anyways...
(Fartmonger, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 18:00, Reply)

My brother
I would say my older brother is the black sheep in my family because he's a twat, but...being a twat does not make him unique in any way in my family.
(richard pye, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 17:52, Reply)

Myself.
I appear to be in teh shit at the moment.

I've got bad results on my teacher grades...
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 17:20, Reply)

there's
really strange guy at work. He looks funny, he walks funny, he isn't funny (ha-ha). He's an ill mannered, greedy twat with the teeth of a grand piano & a face like the back of a bus. I hate him & consequently don't speak to him. I do feel guilt for my hate, but it's better than having to put up with his pathetic simpering. He avoids me now - hooray!
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 16:54, Reply)

winsome halfwits
my father's family are from a freakass place called todmorden in yorkshire. for those of you who know it, when it's 10.30am anywhere else, it's still 1926 in tod.

anyway, centuries of inbreeding have produced his cousin kevin... a "winsome halfwit" who sweeps the streets for a living.

except that he does it for free. with a dustpan and brush.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 16:51, Reply)

my father, and his side of the family
have been completely disowned, due to the fact he was misogynistic cunt, and liked to "play the field" even when his first born (i.e. Me) was on his way.
several years later, he tried to make amends with me, and managed to fuck it up by constantly lying about why he wasnt coming to visit ("working late" = fucking one of his many women).
Ive since realised that my father figur eis my grandad, and my role model is my eldest cousin (who's 9 years older than me)

half a family tree disowned, id like to see someone beat that! no really, i would.

ive also temporarily disowned my uncle, until he gets that fucking crazy frog ringtone off his phone.
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 16:36, Reply)

My aunt
is a great piece of work. Her daughter, still living with her, had given birth a month earlier and asked to prepare the spare room as a nursery for the baby. Brilliantly, the day she finished the room, spending hundreds on new furniture, the council came to throw them out for non-payment of rent. My aunt had had a fortnight's notice that this was going to happen, and could never explain what had happened to the money my grandmother had lent her to pay the council.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 16:29, Reply)

This is going to be a depressing QOTW
My mother's father (not my granddad...he never deserved the title) Started cheating on my Grandmother a couple of weeks after their 10th child was born. The day my grandmother died of Cancer he was with this other woman, during this time all the money he earned went on booze and horses while his family had to steal bread. I've never seen him and he's the only person I'm actually glad is dead. At his funeral, the woman he married babbled on about how you can tell they're all from the same family since they look alike, the only thing she ever did is marry my mothers dad so she's obviously barking. This old bitch actually phoned my auntie (who had just been diagnosed with Cervical cancer) and told her 'I hope this kills you, god knows you deserve it'. She also recently went into the pub owned by my uncle and started mouthing off at his wife, their daughter then punched her in the face...as a family, we are intensly jealous of my cousin
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 16:17, Reply)